I'd like to think of the new year as synonymous with new beginnings, new horizons, and new possibilities. My romantic interest in my colleague has reached an impasse.
You may recall, as I've stated a few times, that I don't expect this crush to blossom into anything. But I was kind of hoping that he and I could be friends, and I don't even see that happening now or anytime soon. When he interacts with colleagues in his immediate group, he tends to be more cheerful and open. He socializes and talks more with them than others outside of his group.
I've made efforts to chat with him casually, and yes, we've shared interests. But those conversations only get so far. When we pass each other in the hallway, he hardly smiles or makes eye contact, while most of my coworkers exchange greetings and nods. I've known people who are painfully shy and others who are plain antisocial. Sometimes I wonder if he's on the spectrum, or maybe he's got schizoid personality disorder. No wonder I find myself pining for him less and less as time goes by.
I admit I have been a fool all this time for allowing myself to feel like a lovesick adolescent when I should have been focusing my attention on more important things. It must've been love, but ...
Edit:
In retrospect, I did allow myself to cultivate my attraction for him. As a person with anxiety, I know how futile it is to resist intrusive thoughts, so why not do the opposite and embrace the intrusive feelings? No, I don't really regret feeling this way.
This morning we were both in the copy room, and he struck up a conversation with me about Disney +.
We've both been watching The Mandalorian and have also talked about other interests like Netflix (mine) and football (his).
