I'm not in love, just because

[Gryffindorian]

This is sort of related to this thread, but here's my question: What is your experience flirting with people you like, or liked in the past?

I googled some info and came up with three good suggestions: ask for a recommendation on something, ask a favor, and give a sincere compliment.

I know there's a very low probability I could go out on a date with my office crush, and even zero if I didn't try. But I've been trying to strike up a conversation with him haphazardly just to get to know him better and try to make a connection. I know his mom used to work in the same department that we are in now 24 years ago. What little information I have about his hobbies, interests, educational background was from an email our boss sent out. It seems like every time I ask what his plans are or what he does on weekends, his answer is "not much." He reciprocates and asks me about my plans, so I tell him I usually go out shopping or try to catch a movie. Then the conversation doesn't really go anywhere.

I don't want to come off like I'm hitting on him and being too aggressive by asking about his relationship status, which is nobody's business but his own. Yet the very few interactions I've had with him seem forced and superficial. So maybe if I flirt with him in a subtle way, things may be different.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

I know that I've been flirted with several times in the past but I never seem to realize it at the time. I've tried flirting with women before but I must be terrible at it.

 

[Sibyl]

I wish I had advice. I'm horrible on both sides.

Oh, if anyone ever asks you to request Extreme's "More than Words" at prom, that is a strong hint. I guess I'll know better next time I'm a Junior in high school.

@Gryffindorian, do you happen to know if your coworker is interested in guys? If you have a feeling he might be, I wish you great success! If he might e the type that would get upset and maybe even physical, please tread carefully.

 

[Gryffindorian]

@Gryffindorian, do you happen to know if your coworker is interested in guys? If you have a feeling he might be, I wish you great success! If he might e the type that would get upset and maybe even physical, please tread carefully.

To be honest, I haven't the foggiest idea. He's very quiet and gravitates mostly toward the immediate coworkers in his section. He's never mentioned anything about a girlfriend, or boyfriend, for that matter. It would be foolish to assume he's leaning toward one side or the other or both with little personal background I know about him.

I was flabbergasted when my best friend suggested to just ask him out. I thought, WTF?! First, I haven't got the nerve to do that. Second, if I did, I would be freaking humiliated if he said no. I would be committing career suicide for a lot of reasons. Word gets around the office; I'd be mortified. Worse, while it's a long stretch, I could get in trouble for sexual harassment. So no, I would never ever have the guts to ask him out, unless I know for sure whom he's attracted to and it's outside a work setting.

 

[cooleddie74]

I'm 45 and still single even after being seriously close to at least one woman. I am the last person who needs to give anybody relationship advice other than perhaps the following: always remember birthdays and anniversaries. I never forgot them and learned that the simple act of treating milestones with importance and serious emotions can get you a long way when you're deficient in other categories.

 

[Gryffindorian]

So I talked to him again today, since he was pretty quiet the past few days. We chatted briefly about our weekend plans. I'm always very casual with my approach. "What's going on/what's up, JT?" without the slightest hint of flirting. If he even senses I'm crushing on him, I'm going to be so embarrassed.

"But the secret is still my own
And my crush for you is still unknown...
Alone."

 

[Nyotarules]

^Are you crushing on him cos he is unavailable, he is a easy target cos nothing will happen?

 

[Gryffindorian]

Well, first of all, I think crushes are meant to be secret, and since he and I don't have much personal interaction during the day, what I'm experiencing is wishful thinking. "Geez, if only ...?"

I have a couple of other office crushes who are both hetero married men in their 30s. I find them attractive, but beyond that, I have no intention or desire to flirt with them, knowing who they are.

With my current crush, he seems available, but he very well could be in a relationship with a woman, and only attracted to women. I get hung up on that.

And then my mind gets flooded with these love songs.

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[Starscape]

Being a quiet/introverted type myself, if someone I don't know very well starts a conversation by asking a question like "how's things/what's up/got any plans this weekend" I'd assume they're just being polite and not particularly interested in the answers so it's a conversations non-starter. Plus, if tell them the truth, that I'm off to see Frozen II at the cinema this weekend (for example ), I don't know how they are going to react.

Now, if someone starts a conversation by telling me something about themselves: "Hey I can't wait for the weekend, I'm going to see Frozen II", I may feel more inclined to comment or share something about myself. For me, it's a less demanding, more comfortable way to start a conversation.

So, the onus maybe on you to share stuff about yourself until the guy feels comfortable reciprocating. That's not to say you should dump your life story onto him, just talk about your interests, share a joke or a funny anecdote. And give him space to respond if he wants to.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Being a quiet/introverted type myself, if someone I don't know very well starts a conversation by asking a question like "how's things/what's up/got any plans this weekend" I'd assume they're just being polite and not particularly interested in the answers so it's a conversations non-starter. Plus, if tell them the truth, that I'm off to see Frozen II at the cinema this weekend (for example ), I don't know how they are going to react.

Now, if someone starts a conversation by telling me something about themselves: "Hey I can't wait for the weekend, I'm going to see Frozen II", I may feel more inclined to comment or share something about myself. For me, it's a less demanding, more comfortable way to start a conversation.

So, the onus maybe on you to share stuff about yourself until the guy feels comfortable reciprocating. That's not to say you should dump your life story onto him, just talk about your interests, share a joke or a funny anecdote. And give him space to respond if he wants to.

OMG, it's funny you mentioned Frozen 2, because that actually came up during our brief conversation. I was sharing my plans for this weekend, which included running errands and possibly going to see the Disney sequel (which, unfortunately, I didn't have time for). I told him I didn't see the first movie, to which he replied, "So you're going to dive right into Part 2?" As for him, he mentioned celebrating a cousin's birthday.

It's not that I'm reluctant to open up to him. It's just that my everyday life isn't very interesting per se, so there's not much exciting stuff to share. I've talked about my favorite TV shows and movies. I told him about my Alaska cruise back in September and how much I enjoyed it. Last month I mentioned that I had gone to a Halloween event at a nightclub. I told him I saw Terminator Dark Fate and thought it was an okay movie.

Some people are just great conversationalists; I'm not one of them. I mean I'm very open and comfortable talking to friends and family, and I consider myself a very good listener, if not a talker. At this point, we're getting to know each other, and it would work so much better if there were things we shared in common, other than working in the same department.

I don't expect this daily interaction to blossom into anything romantic, but sometimes I'm hooked on a feeling.

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[Starscape]

Yeah, conversation can be hard. Sometimes, if I'm caught deep in thought, I can barely string a few words together.

But if you're a good listener you're halfway to being a good conversationalist. People who talk non-stop aren't good conversationalists, the trick is listening and being able to riff on what the other person is saying. It can also help to have a few pre-prepared topics ready in case the conversation goes slack.

 

[publiusr]

Well, the Object of my Attraction left today....
Sure, I'm attracted to him. I know that much, but it doesn't mean I have to act upon it.

Fantasies are often best left alone. I seem to remember films involving the idea of folks who have an affair/fling only once a year--if that.

My lady friend Debra once told me. "Jeff, I love you but I can't stand you..." That sort of thing. A fantasy partner vanishes with the practice of self-abuse. I think it was said of Charlie Sheen that he used prostitutes not to simply pay for sex--lots of young ladies would have said yes.

He paid prostitutes to go away. Fantasies are less costly. Let me leave you with a movie quote to a film whose title I have long since forgotten--on the subject of fantasies.

They can't hurt you...and you can't hurt them.

What is the worse that can happen, the person declines, that does not mean there is something wrong with you, it is just that person is not meant for you at that moment in time, and if the respondant is rude, who wants a rude partner anyway?

Well put.

Now, it has often been said that it is a bad idea to ask folks out at the office. As for me, Debra and I worked together for quite awhile, and she knew me as reliable.

So simply being competent at work is the de facto first move.

Don't try too hard. Let folks come to you so things don't get awkward.

Edited:

Now that I think about it, it could be that it is easier to talk about things not to an individual or a crowd, but in small groups. Ask your friend and some female co-workers out...and mention that you love the films by John Waters, or better year, ask a lady at the table what she feels about them. As soon as she starts talking, shoot a glance at him. If he looks back and winks, you have something.

If he furrows his brow at the mention of the name John Waters—-as if he was saying “who?” —it’s a dry well.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Fantasies are often best left alone. I seem to remember films involving the idea of folks who have an affair/fling only once a year--if that.

My lady friend Debra once told me. "Jeff, I love you but I can't stand you..." That sort of thing. A fantasy partner vanishes with the practice of self-abuse. I think it was said of Charlie Sheen that he used prostitutes not to simply pay for sex--lots of young ladies would have said yes.

He paid prostitutes to go away. Fantasies are less costly. Let me leave you with a movie quote to a film whose title I have long since forgotten--on the subject of fantasies.

They can't hurt you...and you can't hurt them.

I'm not sure I follow, but a little fantasy can't hurt. I've often fantasized about being a millionaire or having superpowers. I'm mindful not to turn fantasy into an obsession.

 

[USS Firefly]

I'm not sure I follow, but a little fantasy can't hurt. I've often fantasized about being a millionaire or having superpowers. I'm mindful not to turn fantasy into an obsession.

Don't give up!
I sometimes fatansized that I am perfect, and I think it works now and then

 

[Sibyl]

Sometimes wishes and fantasies do become obsessions, though. I'm living proof.

God, I wanna die right now.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Sometimes wishes and fantasies do become obsessions, though. I'm living proof.

God, I wanna die right now.

I would imagine most people would be happy getting their wish, which is almost always a positive thing.

 

[Gary Mitchell]

God, I wanna die right now.

Please don't.

 

[Delta Vega]

Sometimes wishes and fantasies do become obsessions, though. I'm living proof.

God, I wanna die right now.

Stop it

 

[Gryffindorian]

I feel detached from him lately. I don't think of him as much; in fact, I've been busy and distracted thinking about the upcoming holidays. I guess in a way, that's a good thing. Maybe I'm starting to get over my crush.

I wonder, is this the same feeling couples experience when their relationship hits a plateau? I would hate to think something like that could bring about the end of a relationship.

 

[Sibyl]

The thing is, this is all you right now. You have no feedback that would help a relationship develop and stay fresh.

Sure a lot of couples grow stale, but you two are not a couple (yet?). I think it is a good thing that you're not obsessing right now and you can concentrate on other aspects of your life that need you now.

Who knows, maybe you two will become great friends and something more may develop. Give yourself some time.