If you became a dragon what things would you do?
- Thread starter Gingerbread Demon
- Start date
here's a cute Pete for you:
you only get the achievement if you fly under those bridges upside down
Hoard gold and precious tomes in my cave, where I would then sleep most of the time, emerging at random intervals to ensorcell a princess or slay and devour a few would-be heroes.
So really, nothing much would change.
So really, nothing much would change.
Hmm, I'm sure that could work.
What do you mean "become a dragon"?
*flies off*
*flies off*
1. Set up shop in Alberta cattle country. Kill and barbecue my first cow. Mmm, tasty. Fly off to my lair while giving a middle claw to the little farm-boy and his dog freaking out over the mutilated cow carcass. Lather, rinse, repeat. Drive the price of prairie beef up to record levels with my eating habits.
2. Befriend an ambitious and morally-flexible youngster to act like as my eyes and ears in the world of humans, and also to work on building a cult that worships me. Convince them that I'm a harbinger of the second coming of Jesus or some shizz, it wouldn't be the most ridiculous thing ever believed by a hick from Alberta.
3. Where the eff is my gold hoard? I must reclaim my gold hoard from whomever has it! Begin the search for a large pile of shiny things, or many small piles of shiny things that would add up to a large pile of shiny things.
4. The cattle farmers are probably petitioning the government to do something about me at this point. Stage a publicity stunt wherein I rescue a small blonde girl from a well. Introduce myself to the people as Albert the Friendly Dragon, though this is not my True Name, the name of my Winged and Fiery Heart.
5. Direct my cultists to set up dummy gangs with a bunch of fake ideologies -- Alberta Separatism, Hygiene Skepticism, Earth-on-a-Turtlism, People Against Yogi Berra, whatever -- and begin stealing my "gold hoard" from vulnerable targets, preferably ones who are themselves already thieves or criminals. A few of my people will object at first. Flame them to ashes (but quickly and mercifully, I'm a dragon, not a savage). The targets will also object at first. Roast them too, to make examples. Make sure to collect a small but valuable hoard of pawn-able items from these robberies that I can use to directly barter with needed human agents.
6. Have my Eyes-and-Ears Guy set up a complicated money-laundering scheme using anonymous shell companies in Kenya. Have his computer and phones hacked to ensure I can track all the details. He'll be feeling pretty important by the time his work is done, so have him killed and replaced by another equally morally-flexible but more fanatical youngster.
7. In my public guise as Albert the Friendly Dragon, befriend a local entrepeneur and channel my ill-gotten-gains into a legitimate business empire which will eventually include banks, solar power companies, vertical farming and synthetic food startups, tech and IT companies, manufacturing interests and such... but whose public mascot will be the luxury "Albert's" brand, a chain of high-end restaurants serving rare and priceless Alberta beef just like the kind the Dragon eats. Albert's will eventually branch out into casinos, golf courses, and its own brand of authentic dragon-breath-cured leatherware.
8. It's time to "give back to the community." Recruit agents to begin establishing a network of charities, first targeting farming families affected by draconian activity with generous benefits packages and permanent jobs at my new Inter-Species Friendship Foundation. Expand to free housing for the homeless, and retraining and placement programs in various of our businesses; target the latter at economically-depressed regions like the Canadian Maritimes and the American South.
9. By now there is probably some intrepid investigative reporter from Vice or something who is analyzing the network of shell companies and whacko militias vaguely connected to me and to my shady cult, starting to put the puzzle together. Find them and offer them an interview... wherein a grieving Albert lays out the shocking excesses and betrayal he's discovered among the leaders of the cult that claims to worship him but which he certainly has nothing to do with. Disclose a token sliver of real criminal activities and shady interests that wound up, without my knowledge, connecting to the Albert's empire -- just enough to scandalize but not enough to damage anything vital -- have an agent donate the proceeds from same to charity, excoriate and denounce the remaining cultists to the authorities. Fly to the aid of the RCMP in the inevitable armed bunker standoff and burn my erstwhile allies to ashes.
10. "Turn over a new leaf" and recruit an agent to found the Church of Universal Brotherhood, a new cult "friendly" to me but no longer using me as a centrepiece. The Church will aggressively go after celebrities of all kinds -- including the redneck-friendly kinds like country music stars and Formula One racers -- and recruit them to support my various interests, especially the Inter-Species Friendship Foundation, which will now launch a new campaign: "Non-Human Persons Are Citizens, Too!"
11. About this time, the entrepeneur who helped start the Albert's empire is starting to work out that I want citizenship, direct involvement in human finance... and direct control of the empire. He's probably feverishly working on a way to have me whacked, or maybe I'm just descending into megalomaniacal paranoia, but fuck it. You miss out on 100% of the betrayals you don't commit. Have him framed as a pedophile and replaced by someone who understands who the real boss and true future owner of the Albert's empire is.
12. To promote my vertical farming and synthetic food startups, switch to eating synthetic beef. As the "rare Alberta beef" in Albert's restaurants comes down in price, have it reinvented as a middle-market chain of family eateries. Announce that I've contemplated the message of my own Inter-Species Friendship Foundation and repented of my former cruelty to bovines, and I'm therefore discontinuing the sale of Albert's brand leatherware and initiating a buy-back program that will recycle existing pieces into furniture upholstery for the homeless.
13. Survey my options. For I am the Wyrm Ourobouros, ready to position myself as Eternal Ruler and Culler of Mankind. I can use my business interests to corner the market on the next drug craze, using the proceeds to build my own private army and intelligence service; build factories in China dedicated to churning out killer robots; staging a final push for Non-Human Citizenship in which I declare that my actual site of origin is Montana, and beginning my own race for the Presidency and possession of America's nuclear arsenal. (For the latter, my association with progressive eco-friendly businesses combined with my otherwise redneck-friendly image will make me a shoe-in. Come on, it's no less plausible than a Trump candidacy...) Perhaps I will do all these things at once, as interlocking initiatives. Ahhh, it's all coming together...
14. Wait, what's that noise! I haven't authorized anyone to come into my private sanctum!
15. Eh. Maybe it's nothing. Back to the scheming. Yes, I think I'll set up a lair in Argentina next, and...
16. No, wait, that noise is definitely something. There's someone in here! Who are you! When I find you I'll roast you alive slowly like I did with Kevin O'Leary...
17. Ow! That hurt!
18. What the eff... is that a rocket launcher? Are you crazy?! Who the hell are you? No wait wait wait
19. ....
20. The world is ringing. All is agony. There's a smoking hole where my chest scales used to be. My slayer is standing over me. I look up at him... and recognize that first farm-boy from step one, all grown up.
21. Well, hell. If life gives you rockets, make... uh, something. I'm not thinking too clearly right now. But I hold it together just enough to deliver the line I've always wanted to say: "I played with fire... but in the end, it was me who got burned." Damn, that's going to sound great in the Hollywood biopic...
22. The farmboy lifts up a pistol and presses it against my left eye. "When you meet the Devil," he tells me: "Tell him George sent you."
23. Hey, good one, kid! That's a pretty good one, too--
24. ...
You have spent a lot of time thinking about this....
Truthfully the whole thing is just packaging for the Kevin O'Leary joke.
I was about to say too much time!
It's just possible.I was about to say too much time!
To an almost scary degree, apparently.
I'd be a long lean spiky dragon and call myself Inigo Monteya no relation to the character from The Princess Bride. I love that movie it needed dragons.
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to fry.
How many folks at work were told 'Just writing up a project proposal' during all this?
Taking the Fifth.
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