I would like advice on a dating issue

[TyberiusDeAngelo]

I need advice from people who can be objective on this issue. I haven't been on a date in almost 7 years due to graduate school consuming all of my time (reading, writing, conferences, and trying to get publications leaves little time for any social life) so I haven't really tried to invest in my personal life. As an undergraduate I had time to go out and asked a few girls out from time to time. But it seems that recently my social skills have gotten rusty when it come to asking women out. I guess that happens when you spend most of your hours alone is a dusty archive or library. Last year, I met a new graduate student in the department and we hit it off as friends. She has many of the same interests as I do (we are both somewhat goofy, we both enjoy games, Star Trek, Doctor Who, etc,). We have had weekly lunches and she comes over to my apartment when I host game nights and we have stayed up to 4AM just talking about random things. She has told me on several occassion that our friendship has really helped her survive her first year of graduate school.

She was recently in a long distance (and long term) relationship that ended over the summer when she decided to stay at our university to continue her Ph.D. Her boyfriend was not happy that she wanted to stay so far away and they ended things pretty much mutally. Now that she isn't seeing anyone I have thought about asking her out on a date. But I am not sure if this is a good idea for a few reasons:

1. We work together so that could get uncomfortable for a variety of reasons should things not work out.

2. She has a small crush on one of the other graduate students in the department, who is 40 years old, which kinda of surprised me, but it is an issue that I am trying to consider. (she is 24 and I am 29)

3. She is taking 4 graduate classes this semester (it is advised to take no more than 3 given the workload) so that is another issue of time.

4. I am not really sure if she is interested in me as a someone she would consider dating.

5. She just ended a long term relationship and I am not sure if she is ready or wants to start something else.

That is alot of issues and I may be overthinking things. Even if she was to say yes to a "date" I would want to take things slow and see how things develope. I am not wanting to push things to a serious stage, more of a gradual development. Some of my friends in the department have told me to go for it but I am just not sure. So that is why I am posting this question here. I am not really comforting dicussing my personal life on a forum but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this.....so comments, suggestions, etc are very much welcome. Thank you for your time.

 

[An Officer]

If you wait too long, she could end up in another long-term relationship, with someone else. The early bird gets the worm.

 

[UssGlenn]

You have to go for it, you'll regret it later if you don't. If she turns you down because she doesn't like you like that, then you can stop worrying about it. if she turns you down because she doesn't want to date right now, you've at least let her know you are interested when she is available. And if she says yes, I wouldn't worry about the time issue, you understand her situation so you know not to pressure her to make time for you she doesn't have.

 

[doubleohfive]

Ask her out. Tomorrow. If she says "no," move on.

 

[Australis]

Has a small crush on someone else? Bad sign. But agree with above: ask. If no, move on.

 

[STR]

1. We work together so that could get uncomfortable for a variety of reasons should things not work out.

Possibly, but screw it. You're not particularly comfortable right now, so what are you really losing?

2. She has a small crush on one of the other graduate students in the department, who is 40 years old, which kinda of surprised me, but it is an issue that I am trying to consider. (she is 24 and I am 29)

Irrelevant. A lot of girls that have crushes on people they'd never date. A lot of guys too (or is it a lot of guys have crushes on women who would never date them?).

3. She is taking 4 graduate classes this semester (it is advised to take no more than 3 given the workload) so that is another issue of time.

A woman is only as busy as is convenient for her. This also applies to men. Whenever my ex calls, I'm pulling an all-nighter. Attractive girl from class? I can put it off until tomorrow.

Actually, that's a half truth. If it's the Ex, I don't even pick up. She owes me money, and any call/text not related to fixing that goes straight to the message trash.

4. I am not really sure if she is interested in me as a someone she would consider dating.

5. She just ended a long term relationship and I am not sure if she is ready or wants to start something else.

Umm...are you planning to propose on the first date? It's just dinner/drinks. Why make it out to be anymore than that?

That is alot of issues

Not really.

and I may be overthinking things.

Most definitely

Even if she was to say yes to a "date" I would want to take things slow and see how things develop. I am not wanting to push things to a serious stage, more of a gradual development.

There's that overthinking again. Let me explain how I think of things. I don't date, go out on dates, or eat dates. I WILL, hang out with a woman in a nice location. It may end with a kiss, it might end with a handshake. I don't go in with expectations or hopes of meeting some hypothetic "One." I just relax and let the conversation go on its own course. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. You can't force it.

 

[JonathonWally]

Ask her out. Tomorrow. If she says "no," move on.

This.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Go for it. Life is too short. Better to go down in flames than just hovering around aimlessly.

Your concerns sound reasonable, but they are just your brain trying to scare you off. Leaving the comfortable routine and jumping into the unknown is scary, but don't let that stop you: take your chances. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, better to know it sooner than later.

So, go for it.

 

[Canadave]

Ask her out. Tomorrow. If she says "no," move on.

This.

Yup, thirded. You're better off knowing one way or the other rather than fretting.

 

[Scout101]

don't sit there and daydream about it until the point you're naming your children, just ask the girl out. Not sure why people make this into such a big thing...

 

[JiNX-01]

She already likes you. You're halfway home.

Instead of treating an invitation like an official "date," just suggest doing things that get you out of the house. Hanging around your place gaming and watching sci fi are fine up to a point, but you need to freshen up the backdrops for getting to know her. Go to a movie. See a play on campus. Pack a picnic lunch and take her someplace secluded and green for some study time.

 

[Finn]

Yes, go for it.

But I gotta ask how you know that she's having a small crush on a 40 something guy? Did she talk to you as a close friends. It might mean she's uninterested, but it also might mean she thinks you wouldn't be interested in her...

 

[TyberiusDeAngelo]

Yes, go for it.

But I gotta ask how you know that she's having a small crush on a 40 something guy? Did she talk to you as a close friends. It might mean she's uninterested, but it also might mean she thinks you wouldn't be interested in her...

Yeah, she told me last semester she has a crush on this graduate student. She can't explain why. she just finds him attractive.

 

[greenguy]

Okay, I'll go ahead and be the asshole: I think it's an awful idea to haul off and ask her out ASAP, and I find it shocking that anyone would recommend this course of action AFTER a woman that you work with tells you she likes someone else. This isn't a technicality or a "BTW/FYI, we can still hook up" statement; this is the "I do not consider you on a romantic level" flag. If in her mind there existed one iota of desire for a romantic future (especially a legit relationship) with the OP she wouldn't have said that at all or even let him find out about those other feelings. OP, this doesn't mean that she can't ever develop those feelings too, but the fact that she told you about this other dude makes it pretty clear that at least for the moment, you're not being considered in the same way he is. This could be because of many factors you mentioned.

Timing is 90%+ of the starting point of most relationships. This just sounds like it's not your time. By forcing the issue when her mind and eyes are elsewhere, you risk forcing yourself forever into the hole of "that one nice dude friend who helped me adjust to campus!" and that's it. If this is really important to you, I would suggest waiting until her classes and hopefully her crush blow over, and have a conversation about where your friendship/relationship is going. Ask her the same questions and issues you did here. Unless you are exaggerating or leaving things out, all the evidence points towards her rejecting you should you ask her out tomorrow, and this answer often stays after you've popped off the question. There are many obstacles here that need to be passed before anything happens.

That's just my opinion, though, take it or leave it.

 

[TyberiusDeAngelo]

Okay, I'll go ahead and be the asshole: I think it's an awful idea to haul off and ask her out ASAP, and I find it shocking that anyone would recommend this course of action AFTER a woman that you work with tells you she likes someone else. This isn't a technicality or a "BTW/FYI, we can still hook up" statement; this is the "I do not consider you on a romantic level" flag. If in her mind there existed one iota of desire for a romantic future (especially a legit relationship) with the OP she wouldn't have said that at all or even let him find out about those other feelings. OP, this doesn't mean that she can't ever develop those feelings too, but the fact that she told you about this other dude makes it pretty clear that at least for the moment, you're not being considered in the same way he is. This could be because of many factors you mentioned.

Timing is 90%+ of the starting point of most relationships. This just sounds like it's not your time. By forcing the issue when her mind and eyes are elsewhere, you risk forcing yourself forever into the hole of "that one nice dude friend who helped me adjust to campus!" and that's it. If this is really important to you, I would suggest waiting until her classes and hopefully her crush blow over, and have a conversation about where your friendship/relationship is going. Ask her the same questions and issues you did here. Unless you are exaggerating or leaving things out, all the evidence points towards her rejecting you should you ask her out tomorrow, and this answer often stays after you've popped off the question. There are many obstacles here that need to be passed before anything happens.

That's just my opinion, though, take it or leave it.

I appreciate your opinion and I have thought the exact same thing.

 

[MetalPants]

Dude, don't think, just act.

 

[sidious618]

Ask her out. This crush may be a fantasy and she might have no plans to actually pursue it. Do it.

 

[Robert DeSoto]

it does sound like you're in the friendzone. You helped her get through the first year. You've known each other a while.

Most guys will tell u that once you've been friends for a while, you lost your chance. I dont believe that cuz I've seen my friends hook with girls they've known for years and I'm just like wtf? where did that come from.

You can be friends for a while, but not necessarily in the friend zone. Friendzone is "guys that are really nice, but I'll never date". So the most important part of staying out of the friendzone is don't be too nice.

You should also take a hint at what kind of guys she's into. One, she likes older guys, you can't really do much about your age. But you can see what that 40 year old and her ex-bf is like. She might like watching Star Trek with you, but if her ex is some jock that beats the shit out of Trekkie guys, then you might wanna think about sharing some other interests that you have.

Also, getting girls, just like getting a PhD, takes time and practice. If you wanna get the girl you like, you need to start hanging out with other girls. Even if you don't like them. I'm not telling you to fuck around with all of them, (but if you do, that's just a bonus). You need to hang out with other girls, cuz one, like you said, you're rusty, and you need some practice. Two, it creates social proof. It shows her that other girls enjoy your company. Don't let her think that she's the only thing going on in your life outside of school.

Finally, as others suggested, don't make it a formal "date". Just go, hang out, have a good time. Keep it ambiguous and let her figure out if it's a date or not.

 

[Kelso]

Ask her out. Tomorrow. If she says "no," move on.

Totally.

 

[Kestra]

Okay, I'll go ahead and be the asshole: I think it's an awful idea to haul off and ask her out ASAP, and I find it shocking that anyone would recommend this course of action AFTER a woman that you work with tells you she likes someone else. This isn't a technicality or a "BTW/FYI, we can still hook up" statement; this is the "I do not consider you on a romantic level" flag. If in her mind there existed one iota of desire for a romantic future (especially a legit relationship) with the OP she wouldn't have said that at all or even let him find out about those other feelings. OP, this doesn't mean that she can't ever develop those feelings too, but the fact that she told you about this other dude makes it pretty clear that at least for the moment, you're not being considered in the same way he is. This could be because of many factors you mentioned.

You can crush on someone and develop feelings for someone else. It's not like you can only be attracted to one person at a time. And just because a woman isn't thinking about you in a romantic way doesn't mean she can't or won't.