Flirting

[Amaris]

Generally speaking, and assuming a sincere approach, offering a compliment isn't creepy. I've been complimented plenty of times over the years and, regardless of gender, or personal circumstances, I appreciated the positive feedback. Even if it was offered by someone I wasn't inherently attracted to, I valued the moment and sentiment. I'd like to think the compliments I've given were likewise received.

And heck, once in a while, those exchanges led to, at the very least, a subsequent conversation and maybe drinks and even an exploration of ... compatibility ...

Put simply, I'm in favor of offering the compliment. If it's not welcome, most will just ignore it (even if it is appreciated). But on the odd chance that it *is* welcome, who knows where things might proceed?

When in a conversation where both parties are, or seem to be, flirting? Yeah, offering a compliment isn't likely to be seen as creepy. Obviously, if the compliment is unsolicited, or occurring in a conversation that isn't even approaching that kind of familiarity it would be a bad idea, mainly because it means someone has decided you're worth sexing up without seeing as to whether you're participating in the conversation, and that kind of behavior is usually very creepy.

When two people are making eyes at the bar, and being cutesy to one another? Nah, not creepy, at least not in my opinion.

 

[Greylock Crescent]

if the compliment is unsolicited, or occurring in a conversation that isn't even approaching that kind of familiarity it would be a bad idea, mainly because it means someone has decided you're worth sexing up without seeing as to whether you're participating in the conversation, and that kind of behavior is usually very creepy.

I don't entirely agree. There have been occasions when I was working (at Barnes & Noble, for example - in the café, even), and had customers make complimentary comments about my appearance. Those comments were, almost entirely, without any explicit (or implicit) invitation from myself. But getting a compliment, even if it's not practically going to go anywhere, can brighten a shift, or a day. It certainly depends on the delivery. But if it's sincerely given, it's not an inherently problematic interaction.

 

[Amaris]

I don't entirely agree. There have been occasions when I was working (at Barnes & Noble, for example - in the café, even), and had customers make complimentary comments about my appearance. Those comments were, almost entirely, without any explicit (or implicit) invitation from myself. But getting a compliment, even if it's not practically going to go anywhere, can brighten a shift, or a day. It certainly depends on the delivery. But if it's sincerely given, it's not an inherently problematic interaction.

Perhaps. I prefer to err on the side of caution when giving unsolicited compliments. I may be entirely sincere, but the compliment may be unwelcome anyway, as the conversation is only one sided, and the recipient of that compliment may feel put off or uncomfortable being complimented by someone they don't know, especially if the one giving the compliment is male, and the recipient is female; There is an unspoken balance of power there. So I avoid unsolicited compliments entirely.

 

[Greylock Crescent]

There is an unspoken balance of power there. So I avoid unsolicited compliments entirely.

I can certainly understand the hesitation, and the desire to err on the side of caution. Especially if you factor in social history and how there has often been a sense of entitlement - that giving a compliment must require some kind of reciprocation. But, and I think this is the most important point, it all depends on the expectations behind giving a compliment. Sure, it'd be great to give a compliment, have it reciprocated, and maybe things progress from there. But that shouldn't be the sole reason for giving a compliment. If it *is* the sole reason, then yeah, that's a bit creepy, because it's given with some kind of expectation - with strings attached. But a compliment, freely given, without expectation (even if a reciprocation might be desired) isn't something to completely avoid, IMO. In fact, from personal experience, it can be a very positive moment. In other words, if you appreciate how someone looks, even in a retail setting, the only thing wrong with giving a compliment would be in the expectation following the compliment. Otherwise, why not tell that barista that he (or she) looks good? It just might make her (or his) day.

 

[Amaris]

I can certainly understand the hesitation, and the desire to err on the side of caution. Especially if you factor in social history and how there has often been a sense of entitlement - that giving a compliment must require some kind of reciprocation. But, and I think this is the most important point, it all depends on the expectations behind giving a compliment. Sure, it'd be great to give a compliment, have it reciprocated, and maybe things progress from there. But that shouldn't be the sole reason for giving a compliment. If it *is* the sole reason, then yeah, that's a bit creepy, because it's given with some kind of expectation - with strings attached. But a compliment, freely given, without expectation (even if a reciprocation might be desired) isn't something to completely avoid, IMO. In fact, from personal experience, it can be a very positive moment. In other words, if you appreciate how someone looks, even in a retail setting, the only thing wrong with giving a compliment would be in the expectation following the compliment. Otherwise, why not tell that barista that he (or she) looks good? It just might make her (or his) day.

I see what you're saying, though I'll still err on this side of things. Once I get into a conversation, though, and an appropriate ingress can be made, I can choose that time to give a compliment. Until then, though, I just don't want to make people uncomfortable. People tend to shy away from me anyway. I've had to learn how to smile even when I don't feel it at all, just so I don't intimidate those around me.

 

[Greylock Crescent]

I just don't want to make people uncomfortable. People tend to shy away from me anyway. I've had to learn how to smile even when I don't feel it at all, just so I don't intimidate those around me.

It sounds like we're down to personal experiences. Which, of course, I cannot reasonably disagree with.

Though, I do know what you mean, about smiling, even when I don't feel like it. But to add to that, I have also found that smiling, in and of itself, is a great, non-threatening way to break the ice. For example, when I'm out walking through Manhattan, taking photos, I'll encounter hundreds of people. Often, they'll just look past me, or down to the pavement. But if they *do* notice me, I find a smile goes a long way to reassuring them of my intentions, And for those individuals I pass by whom I find attractive, offering a smile is a simple, un-intimidating way of expressing a compliment. If it's reciprocated, then my smile gets bigger. If not, well, I'm still out doing something I enjoy so, no big deal.

 

[hux]

I prefer to err on the side of caution when giving unsolicited compliments.

Aren't all compliments solicited? You don't just randomly say "that's a nice hat" when someone isn't wearing a hat.

 

[Timewalker]

Just because a person wears a hat, that doesn't mean they're soliciting compliments on it. If it was a special hat, maybe...

Jadzia and Kira weren't soliciting compliments when Worf looked at them in their princess outfits and said, "Nice hat."

 

[hux]

Just because a person wears a hat, that doesn't mean they're soliciting compliments on it. If it was a special hat, maybe...

The compliment is based on me liking the hat, not on them wanting a compliment. The compliment was solicited by the hat existing. The notion that a compliment requires permission from the owner of what you're complimenting is nonsense.

I compliment what I want to compliment, not what I'm given permission to compliment. If that intimidates you... then don't ever leave the house. Problem solved.

 

[Timewalker]

The compliment is based on me liking the hat, not on them wanting a compliment. The compliment was solicited by the hat existing. The notion that a compliment requires permission from the owner of what you're complimenting is nonsense.

I compliment what I want to compliment, not what I'm given permission to compliment. If that intimidates you... then don't ever leave the house. Problem solved.

Way to miss the point...

I have a few special hats that I'm fond of and enjoy being complimented on (since I made them). But if you choose to compliment one of my ordinary sun hats instead, knock yourself out.

 

[Greylock Crescent]

Just because a person wears a hat, that doesn't mean they're soliciting compliments on it.

This is true. Which is why it's important, if one *is* going to give a compliment, to have no expectations on how it is received - and to do so, because one genuinely wants to show appreciation for whatever it is that is being complimented.

 

[TorontoTrekker]

Huh, that depends. Did Starbucks stop asking for customers names generally last year?

Now that I'm thinking about it, I haven't been asked in a few months. But it's funny that this topic came up, because I was just thinking about this yesterday. There's a Starbucks I go into a couple of times per month, and there's a barista there who remembers my name and uses it when he says hello, every time I'm in there and he's working - whether he's working the cash register, the espresso machines, or just replacing stock in the pastry display, like he was yesterday. I'm starting to wonder whether there's more going on there than simple friendliness/good customer service - because it's a pretty busy Starbucks, in a very busy shopping mall, and I'm only in there a couple of times a month, and not always during one of his shifts. It seems odd that he'd remember me.

If he is interested, he's going to have to hit me over the head with it, though. I'm another one of those who doesn't recognize flirting from other people. I know I've missed out on at least one possible relationship, or at least a fling, because of it, despite the come-on being blatant. (Note to bisexual guys who have only ever dated women: if you don't tell me that you're bi, I'm going to assume you're joking when you hit on me.)

 

[Guy Gardener]

I need a hat.

Women wear hats: It's cool.

Men wear hats: Their hair is thinning.

 

[Kemaiku]

If he is interested, he's going to have to hit me over the head with it, though. I'm another one of those who doesn't recognize flirting from other people. I know I've missed out on at least one possible relationship, or at least a fling, because of it, despite the come-on being blatant. (Note to bisexual guys who have only ever dated women: if you don't tell me that you're bi, I'm going to assume you're joking when you hit on me.)

I really can't read people either. But yeah I go into this little SB's often enough, she's the only one how asks, the others in there don't. *shrugs*

 

[Gryffindorian]

Aren't all compliments solicited? You don't just randomly say "that's a nice hat" when someone isn't wearing a hat.

Shouldn't that be the opposite? To solicit something means to intentionally ask for it. Compliments are mostly "unsolicited" regardless of how good the other person looks. I've gotten compliments for my clothes, my car, my work, etc., but I wasn't asking for or expecting them from anyone.

 

[Kor]

What if you intemtionally wear a particular piece of clothing because you know it always gets compliments?

Kor

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Men wear hats: Their hair is thinning.

And sometimes to keep their bald heads from becoming parboiled, like when they were visiting New York and happened to stumble across the filming of Spider-Man 3 and stayed too long to watch the filming rehearsal, but unfortunately weren't wearing a hat and got a huge sunburn and dammit, they didn't even get to meet Kirsten Dunst or anyone else from the cast.

Or so I've heard.

 

[TremblingBluStar]

Things are much, much easier if you just do as I do and assume everybody you encounter wants you!

I am joking. Sort of.

 

[Kor]

So with the above note about hats in mind, here are famous guys who are/were likely bald:

Stevie Ray Vaughan
The Edge (U2)
Johnny Depp
Bruno Mars

On a note actually related to the thread, the cashier at Starbucks this morning (who I do not find attractive at all) remembered my name without even asking. Should I be worried?

Kor

 

[CorporalClegg]

So with the above note about hats in mind, here are famous guys who are/were likely bald:

Stevie Ray Vaughan
The Edge (U2)
Johnny Depp
Bruno Mars

On a note actually related to the thread, the cashier at Starbucks this morning (who I do not find attractive at all) remembered my name without even asking. Should I be worried?

Kor

Yes. You obviously spend too much time at Starbucks.