Etiquette

[doubleohfive]

I'm posting this mainly for the general opinion of ye fine denizens of Misc.

First, the backstory:

A friend recently got engaged. Yay! Congrats! They're very happy and all that jazz. However, (and unbeknownst to me) her ex decided to rear his ugly head and stir up trouble, causing my friend significant emotional drama for my friend and her fiance.

On top of this, my friend's fiance is rather protective of her. Quite overbearingly at times.

My friend, who models part time, recently uploaded new pictures from a shoot she'd been on. Of course everyone is going nuts complimenting her. Who wouldn't?

So, upon finding this new album I left a comment in the same vein, to the effect of "As always, just as lovely as ever." or some such friendly compliment. Nothing uncouth or seedy or with any insinuation beyond what the words indicate.

Her fiance, in overbearing protective mode, responds with a nice "That's probably the last comment you should make like that, doubleoh."

What followed was a short back and forth wherein I asked why and he informed me that my comment was disrespectful to he and his fiancee (my friend). Failing to see how, I asked why and he, obviously mistaking me for her ex, (though I don't know how) leaves yet another nasty remark:

"Don't be a fucking idiot, I know what you're trying to do and it's pathetic. I'm talking to Sue right now and even she agrees with me"

Oh, well Sue agrees with you! How great, especially since you're talking to her which is impossible at the time because she's on vacation in Australia.

Now, the question:

Ok. It's all been settled out now, but my friend has essentially said to me, "He's absolutely ok with us being friends, but you're never going to get an apology from him."

I don't really care much about that in regard to this whole scenario; to my best estimation the guy is an insecure douche, but whatever. I don't have to deal with him. I'm more irritated by the notion that someone could so make an error like this and be so rude yet feel like he can get away with not apologizing. From my perspective, it's him essentially saying he doesn't respect me or his fiancee's friends. Again, my inclination is simply that it's rather rude.

So, I ask you all:

Is this ridiculous? Is it more of the social laissez-faire Facebook generation at it's worst? Strictly speaking about the scenario, should I feel like I'm owed an apology, or am I being too sensitive?

On the one hand, I do feel like the guy should just man up and send an email to the effect of "Wow, I fucked up. I'm sorry ... things are crazy and you got caught in the crossfire. Hope there are no hard feelings."

Which there would not be, of course, because the guy did the stand-up thing. When I look at it from the reverse perspective, the FIRST THING I WOULD DO upon finding out about the mixup would be to apologize. Maybe it's because that's how I was raised and it's how I conduct myself... I don't know ... but damn.

On the other hand, it irritates me that my friend (who has gone to great lengths to maintain she would like to remain friends) is pretty much washing her hands of the situation. Again, if my girlfriend had gone apeshit at her, I would expect that my girlfriend would be an adult and send out an apology.

So what do you think? According to your own personal etiquette, what would you do if you had mistakenly overreacted? What would you do if you were the one caught in the crossfire?

 

[gturner]

He is overbearing and rude. You have to get him in a compromising position with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee and make sure it hits the tabloids, or at least the Internet.

 

[AstroSmurf]

Wow. He sounds like a 'wonderful' person.

But to answer your question, I think he should have apologized. It would have been the socially correct thing to do.

(And this may sound harsh but... if he is going to act like that, I wouldn't bother dealing with either of them anymore. Even though she is a friend, when she marries him they will be forever lumped together socially and things will most likely get worse for you. It is no fun having a friend's spouse peeing in the corners every time you are friendly.)

 

[JonathonWally]

The guy's an ass and owes you a public apology. He disrespected you in a public forum, his apology should be done the same way.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

My rule is as follows: If you know you've done wrong, or think you've done wrong, or even feel you've done wrong, apologise. Indeed, I have no choice in that regard because I'll be so overcome with guilt and fear of rejection I'll be immediately genuinely sorry. Indeed, I'll probably make too much of a fuss about it and annoy people be being overwrought in my apology. I'll send messages and make public pronouncements of my wrongdoing. There is, however, a side-effect to this; people will try and take advantage of my overly-apologetic nature. So the other side of the rule is that if you have not done wrong, or think you've done no wrong, then stand your ground, dig your heels in and refuse to budge an inch until you get the genuine apology you would give them. Are they likely to give it to you? Don't be silly. Of course they're not.

Of course, if you do dig your heels in and make a fuss...other people will start disliking or condemning you for not "letting it go". So it may actually be best to ignore what I said above and...forget it. Which is alien to me (forgetting events or interactions associated with strong emotion is not something I do) but may be for the best. But without apology there can be no forgiveness, and forgiveness is something to be sought wherever possible.

So...I don't really know what else to say. I'm sorry.

 

[Mr Awe]

On the one hand, yeah, you are owed an apology. On the other hand, the fact that your friend isn't standing up for you doesn't give you a leg to stand on. It doesn't bode well for the friendship.

Unfortunately, that isn't too surprising. He is her fiance, you her friend. Sad that it is that way. It didn't have to be, but once she let it go, it cemented it. I wouldn't push things because it'll just make it rougher on your friend and it won't help you.

Mr Awe

 

[JAG]

You are absolutely owed an apology. You will never get it though. He's an ass, do yourself a favor and move on. Don't worry about it.

 

[Colonel Green]

He clearly owes you an apology, but it's never gonna happen as he is clearly a douche-bag.

But look on the bright side! When their marriage ends what seems to be an inevitable divorce, you may have a shot at that.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Given your story, yes, I think he owes you an apology. No biggies. Everybody behaves like an ass sometimes, especially in stressful times.

On the other hand, do you really care about it? Getting an apology, not getting one: what would change for you? I find it very refreshing to realize that I don't really care what people say or not say. You know, the whole "sticks and stones" motto.

 

[doubleohfive]

I thought I'd been clear in my initial post -- I don't really care in this instance about the situation, or if he should or should not apologize for his conduct toward me.

The entire situation was more of a catalyst that got me thinking about what types of social behavior constitute being worthy of apologizing versus not these days. That's all.

Part of me felt that I was due an apology, even though I had no intention of demanding one. Another part felt that I was possibly overreacting myself, which is why I sought out everyone's opinions here.

As for remaining friends with her, I understand the suggestion to write her off, but as she now lives on the east coast with him, it's not likely to be a major issue. My main concern with regard to the friendship stems more from the now-more-necessary reliance on social media in order to keep in touch. I'm not going to be friends with someone if I have to be censored from saying hello, you know? At the same time, I don't make it a practice to shut people out of my life either. I think that's a cruel and quite unnecessary path to take with people I care about. So, you see the dilemma.

 

[data_lover]

uck, i hope your friend doesn't have any hopes for an independent life after marriage. hello warning sign!

 

[JiNX-01]

Regarding your basic question, of course I would apologize for overreacting. And I thought your comment re: your friend's photo shoot was sweet and gracious. A pity the fiance was so busy being "overprotective" he failed to see that. And from where I sit, it's also a pity that your friend doesn't realize that his refusal to mend fences with you is a red flag.

 

[Colonel Green]

I thought I'd been clear in my initial post --

Just so you know, this sentence is an example of poor etiquette. Passive aggressive.

 

[doubleohfive]

^ How so?

 

[Colonel Green]

Well I was mostly joking, but to be honest "I thought I'd been clear" has a bit of a condescending tone. As if it were the fault of the other person for failing to to understand what was clearly a well thought out and well stated post.

"Just to be clear" is 85% less douchey, places the burden of guilt on yourself. Scientifically proven

 

[doubleohfive]

Ah, gotcha. Thanks for clarifying.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

...So, I ask you all:

Is this ridiculous? Is it more of the social laissez-faire Facebook generation at it's worst? Strictly speaking about the scenario, should I feel like I'm owed an apology, or am I being too sensitive?

On the one hand, I do feel like the guy should just man up and send an email to the effect of "Wow, I fucked up. I'm sorry ... things are crazy and you got caught in the crossfire. Hope there are no hard feelings."
...
So what do you think? According to your own personal etiquette, what would you do if you had mistakenly overreacted? What would you do if you were the one caught in the crossfire?

Yes ~ it's Facebook at it's worse.
If I made a mistake like that I would apologise unreservedly.
I think you have a right to be peeved with both of them.
Personally, I would leave it alone for a good while.
That's my view ~ if it helps at all but I do hope it sorts itself out, losing a good friend though a misunderstanding is not good.

 

[Captain Ice]

In that situation, I would wholeheartedly apologize and let him know that I'd had him confused with the ex.

 

[jkladis]

Apology? Sounds like someone whose scrotum we should be connecting to their ear lobes.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Of course one should apologize, but the issue is that the people who have enough sense and conscience to apologize probably wouldn't be such an asshole in the first place. It may happen but it's rare. It's much more likely that it was an asshole that made the comment, and assholes don't apologize.