ENT Caption Contest #86: Worst. Slumber Party. Ever.

[Skywalker]

Another year, another caption contest. Sure feels like it takes a year between these things, doesn't it? Sorry again for the late start, but now that the holidays are past I should be able to keep up better.

That said, on to the next contest! But first, You-Know-Who has something to say...

Right. Now that that's out of the way, let's get to it.

First up we have the "At Least It's Not Voyager" award, going to:

Padma: I have to be on an episode of.... Enterprise?

Followed by the "What Happens on Risa Stays on Risa" award, going to:

Phlox: What's the last thing you remember, Trip?
Trip: Putting tequila on my cornflakes.
Phlox: Well that explains the tramp stamp.

Next up we have the "And a Fetish is Born" award, going to:

Princess: I told you not to rescue me, my lover is a Vulcan and he'll rip you to pieces!
Trip: I thought Vulcans weren't emotional?
Princess: This one is different.
Trip: You don't say...

Continuing onward, we have the "Screw the Ratings, Nobody's Watching Anyway" award, the lucky winner being:

T'POL: Well, this is what I'm wearing from now on. The drooling fanboys will just have to deal with it!

We also have the "Men Are from Romulus, Women Are from Vulcan" award, going to:

Archer: "So, how do you like these new 'holodecks,' Malcolm?"
Reed: "Actually...it's sort of boring."
Archer: "That's just what I was thinking. Computer, generate holographic character: Sheena, Queen of the Jungle!"
T'Pol: *sighs*

Our tag-team award goes to:

Archer: This reminds me of the time I went to Africa in my 20s...

Malcolm - You did it with a gazelle, sir?

And our Photoshop award goes to:

Captain got plomeek? That's crazy.

T'Pol: On Vulcan we call that an ass meld.
<Both men turn>

Thanks to everyone who participated, and congrats to our winners! Also, I hope everyone had a happy and safe holiday season.

With that long ordeal behind us, we now move on to "The Catwalk," the latest in Season Two's long line of show-killing mediocrity. Let's hope our brave captioners can liven this turkey up!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

"They gave me a line in this episode."

 

[jespah]

Thanks for the tag-team win! Gazelles everywhere are a-skeered.

Archer, Off-screen - Anyone who can roll their tongue gets to be a Lieutenant. And they get a line in this episode.

In my magic mirror, I see Travis, and Liz, and Michael. And a campy, over the top Empress with excessive makeup and a taste for B & D who looks a lot like me.

T'Pol - Must you read your porn collection now?
Archer - It helps me sleep better. We haven't invented neuropressure yet.
T'Pol - Okay, but must you moan and do the gestures?
Archer - These gestures?
Vulcan eyeroll.

Travis - I learned how to roll my tongue. I'm gonna be a Lieutenant! And I'll get lines.
Hoshi - Security! Who the hell is this guy?

Archer, Offscreen - You're not doing the tongue roll right! No lines for you!

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win! Happy new year to everyone, and grats on all the winners too. Some great ones this time around!

Reed: Our science officer is so hot. I'd do anything to see that hot Vulcan body.
Mayweather: No way! She's our superior, we could get in so much trouble!
Phlox: Infantile minds. Watch and learn. (raises voice) Oh subcommander! I need to see you in the decon chamber for your medical evaulation!

The fanboys quickly lost interest in Hoshi when they found out about her girlstache.

T'Pol: Captain?
Archer: (startled) What? It's not what you think! It's not erotic fanfiction about us!

Mayweather: If I don't get a line, I'll just flirt with the camera until they give me one.

Trip: It's a good thing I brought my library card with us.
T'Pol: Why?
Trip: Because I am totally checking -you- out!

 

[lurok]

Travis: How you doin'
Hoshi: That's not the line

T'Pol: What is so amusing, Captain?
Archer: Oh, the execs' ideas for the show's finale. There's a great joke here about turning us all into holodeck characters.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW!

T'Pol (annoyed and alarmed): "Are you...are you tweeting about me?!!"

 

[Mach5]

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Phlox: "If Lieutenant Reed doesn't stop sucking on lemons, the quantum citrus particle damage to his tongue could be permanent."

Gorn infiltrators should never forget to file down their teeth.

T'pol: "That is not an iPad. That is a large Tupperware lid you are holding like an iPad."

Travis: "Well well well, what have we here?"

Hoshi: "Stop that right now. You are not Lando Calrissian."

Trip: "Well, sure, I've got no idea how to fix this here warp engine. Never did. But I sure can grill up a mean catfish."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Phlox: "I'm looking forward to your first physical, Ensign!"
Reed: "Look! My tongue just got hard!"
Mayweather: "I think I'm in love!"
Hoshi (OS, sighs): "Christ, this is going to be a looong deployment!"

T'Pol (OS): "Ensign, aren't you worried that someone will make some disgusting 'picking hairs out of her teeth' caption?"
Hoshi: "Worried? I've got a bet riding on it!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

T'POL (oc): I don't recall any regulation requiring two witnesses during a physical exam.

ARCHER: It's not porn!!!

T'POL: I didn't ask.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

T'Pol (OS): "You've heard of the 'Vulcan Death Grip'? Well, we call this the 'Vulcan Love Grip.' You like it?"

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Hoshi: (thinking) "Dam-it I hate when they get stuck in my teeth!"

Looks Like Hoshi won the bet.

 

[Valin]

"I hope T'Pol doesn't mind that I borrowed her lipstick? Wait a minute. This isn't lipstick; I wonder if it's a... No!"

 

[Triskelion]

Thank ye for the wins, Hanukkah Solo!

Phlox: Captain, why don't we just skip the diplomatic protocols for Vaginus VII.

Mayweather: That is not how you do that.

T'Pol is right, shaving with a boot knife is so much easier than a pair of safety scissors.

T'Pol: Are those my X rays again?
Archer: Maybe. Who wants to know?

Hoshi: I was wrong. You should forget bars and stick to the internet.

Trip: Hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.

Hoshi: Oh come on! It's the Captain's dog for crying out loud! How long have we been in space anyway??

 

[Ln X]

TFTW Hanukkah Solo!

Archer (o/s): I have an idea, instead of exploring new worlds why not we blow up random natural stuff? And you know entertain the crew?
Reed: With what sir? This is a ship of exploration after all.
Archer (o/s): Oh bugger it...

<Hoshi thinking> Now remember Hoshi if your teeth go whiter, it's not a sign your fading away from some transporter mishap...

Archer: Me and you on this bed right now making crazy passionate love due to being sexually repressed for so long?
T'Pol: Though it is a logical suggestion, I am not that desperate captain.

Mayweather: I have a confession; this ship is always on autopilot.

Trip: A platinum coloured wingnut? Awesome!

 

[LeadHead]

Archer: You know, we just just speak aloud rather than texting back and forth.

 

[BriGuy]

Archer: The surveillance system on this ship is quite extensive...

I don't have to "imagine," commander.

 

[BriGuy]

T'Pol: Captain, with the exception of the Pakleds, you are the last humanoid in the quadrant who still plays "Angry Birds."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Archer: "I've been reading over your crew evaluations. I like the way you wrote that Ensign Brady 'plays well with others.'"
T'Pol: "Well, I figured calling her the 'ship's bike' on her official evaluation might be unnecessarily harsh."

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Trip: "Piloting a starship ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"