Children
- Thread starter TerokNor
- Start date
My husband and I are nerds. We have two young boys. The eldest is a nerdy terror.
The youngest is so stubbornly his own person that he charms the girls, dominates in the sporting arena and has very little interest in nerdy stuff. He's smart, just ... not nerdy. It actually weirds us out a little. 
So, just saying, you won't necessarily doom or bless your kids with your nerdiness.
Based on the little I know of you, I think you'd be a great mom.
I think I just found the opposite of me. Hello opposite!
Hi.
I guess my response to that if that I can intellectually understand your perspective but feel zero emotional investment in that particular goal. It makes little difference to me what wider progress society has made after I am gone. The future can take care of itself; as one man, I am not responsible for it and nor do I wish to be.
I'm sure they feel that. It would be psychologically bizarre, not to mention destructive, for them to feel otherwise about their children. However, this doesn't necessarily mean that their lives actually are better/more fulfilling than the ones they would have led without children. That will always remain speculation, like any counterfactual.
More fundamentally, I don't feel "lack of completeness" is a problem that should be (or is) solved by having children. In fact, I think that's one of the worst reasons to have children. I'd argue that children should be brought into the world for their own merits, not because of a sense of lack of those on the part of their parents.
On a personal, and somewhat controversial level: I think children often distract and divert people from self-actualisation by providing an alternate focus for life's purpose than understanding oneself. The child becomes an unwitting vessel for transmitting, isolating, and then transmitting one's personal neuroses away from you and down to the next generation to solve, rather than facing them yourself. Is that really a selfless act of devotion to the next generation, or a selfish act of self-preservation?
Of course, the above does not apply to all parents by any means. But based on a lot of the people I've seen professionally, I rather think it applies to more of them than they would feel comfortable admitting (probably because they don't realise it in themselves anyway).
I suspect part of it is environmentally driven, dependent on one's upbringing, life role models/identifiers, immediate culture, societal experiences, lifestyle, relationships, etc. In women, especially, I do feel biology plays a significant role (though I suspect probably not quite as large a one as the socio-cultural ones).
So is LSD.
Just to be clear (because I feel I've ragged the concept of children quite aggressively in a few places)... there are a lot of happy parents and happy children out there and I'm delighted these families exist. I'm also a firm believer in individual freedoms, so I would never wish to impose my beliefs on their life choices. But equally, it's nice to be able to explain the perspective of those who don't wish to have children, and to point out the begging-of-the-question behind the "you'll never regret them once you have them" line (or variants thereof) that often gets trotted out in such discussions.
Oh, and I hope you all choke on your big piles of disposable income!!
What the hell is disposable income??
A
Amaris
Guest
Oh, and I hope you all choke on your big piles of disposable income!!
What the hell is disposable income??
Paris Hilton's underwear.
Goddammit, you just described my mother.
And, in a not unrelated issue, why I'm not comfortable these days with the idea of being a parent.
I don't want kids. Ever. It's as simple as that. I do want to get married, but that's the extent of my familial desires.
Why don't I want kids? Simple. I don't want the responsibility. I don't know anything at all about being a dad, but I do know I would probably suck at it.
Why don't I want kids? Simple. I don't want the responsibility. I don't know anything at all about being a dad, but I do know I would probably suck at it.
Tru dat.
This is very true.
WHAT HE SAID!Oh, and I hope you all choke on your big piles of disposable income!!
Wow. Uhh, sorry, I have to disagree.
Here's the thing. My life has been COMPLETELY diverted from the path I was on. But I've gaiend so much from it. I'm a lot deeper than I would have been, more patient, more inclined to stick to doing the tough stuff and seeing something to completion. You say "alternate focus for life's purpose" like it's a bad thing, it's just journeying down a different road. THere are always roads not taken, the secret is to make the road you're on the best journey it can be.
I understand the bit about passing things on, and try very, very hard not to do that. But to ascribe that to even half the population is... not right I think.
And some people grow to self-actualisation by being guide, mentor, teacher... parent.
But to all those who don't want children, I fully understand. Sometimes waves of doubt crash over me as to the job I'm doing, and that's hard. These pass, when the beloved do something surprising or loving or wonderful. I suppose it's horses for courses.
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So, just saying, you won't necessarily doom or bless your kids with your nerdiness.
Based on the little I know of you, I think you'd be a great mom.
Good to know. I don't know what I'd do if I had a child that didn't enjoy reading, though! Thanks for the vote of confidence too. I really want to have children but I get nervous that I don't know the first thing about parenting!
It's definitely something that only a person themselves can know if they want to do or not. I mean, I get annoyed when people offer me a drink or food and say "here, you've got to try this - you'll love it!" My instant response is "no I won't"
You've shown yourself here to be a thoughtful, kind person. So I know what you will do. You'll find what it is that your child does enjoy and encourage them to pursue that. (And still offer to read them stories for as long as they'll let you
)No-one knows everything about parenting, and since every child is different you really do have to make it up as you go along, and I'm telling you - that is scary! But babies are tough, they survive
I'd love to be a mother. Unless I find a husband (I'm old-fashioned there) in the next few years, though, it ain't gonna happen. The women in my family are notoriously fertile well into their late 40's, so there's some hope...
The women in my family are notoriously fertile well into their late 40's, so there's some hope...
No children for me, thanks. I'm currently 23 and in my fifth undergraduate year due to various past academic mistakes and spending part of that as a part-time, couple classes per semester student. It's currently looking like something along the lines of another 2 years before I'm actually finished with my degree, after which I just want to focus on paying off my student loans, starting a career, and living my own life free of the need to be responsible for someone else. That last feeling is one that I don't think there's any chance I would outgrow, even if I met the "right" woman.
30 and not interested. I don't think I would be a very good parent. I'm rooting for my brother and his girlfriend to have some kids so I can be the cool uncle, though.
My niece (who is 14 now) was born just as my alcoholic haze days were ending. She and my nephew (now 17) have never, after all these years, stopped reminding me of the time I got drunk and sat on a piece of her birthday cake. 
^That's what family is for.
I'm not sure whether I want children. For one thing, there's my health, as well as their's to consider: I have juvenile diabetes and bipolar disorder, and while these conditions don't prevent child-bearing, neither are they conducive to the healthiest pregnancies. Plus, I run the risk of passing both onto my kids. On the other hand, they could also get my great looks, various talents, and super intelligence -- so I suppose I have something to offer.
Naira: 30-years-old-limit? I plan for children earliest with 35...more likely older...IF the fitting partner comes along. Earlier does not work...and before 30...my than I need to be really really really fast, better starting to try tonight.
Your fertility starts to drop after 24. At 30 your chances have dropped by nearly a quarter and from then on it drops by half every 5 years.
I agree with Australis. All parents live through their kids to a certain degree, just as people live through their partners, their jobs, their cars, their hobbies, and so forth. Any one of these can be done in excess. Every decision we make results in a road not taken, and while having kids is one of the biggest detours one can make, it's not the only one. Losing one's job, having to care for elderly parents, being hit by a bus, and so forth, are also major life-changing events.
Part of my self-actualisation is being a parent. We all identify with our families, jobs, surroundings, so why not with our children? Personally I'm a better person now that I would be without my kids, as I've gained patience, flexibility, organisation skills, advocacy skills, confidence, and a load of other positive traits thanks to them. Sure, they drive me nuts sometimes, and dealing with my youngest child's special needs can reduce me to tears, but that comes with the territory. I have no regrets, even on the bad days.
But parenthood certainly isn't for everyone, and I'm glad to see that people who are childless by choice no longer feel the need to give in to familial and societal pressure to do so. Children don't necessarily have to be planned (though it helps!), but they do have to be wanted and loved, otherwise so much can go wrong for both parent and child.
