Children
- Thread starter TerokNor
- Start date
As far as being ready for children before having them, here's what I've learned: You will never be or feel fully ready for it until after it happens. Like many life-changing events, if you wait until you feel fully ready for it, you'll never do it.
I can vouch for that. When my wife and I first got married, it seemed she could get pregnant if just by washing our underwear together. We've had 5 children, and never had any trouble getting pregnant; she was usually pregnant the first month after we started trying. However, we would like another one, and this time, it's been about a year and a half, and all we have to show for it is 1 miscarriage, and maybe another very early miscarriage.Naira: 30-years-old-limit? I plan for children earliest with 35...more likely older...IF the fitting partner comes along. Earlier does not work...and before 30...my than I need to be really really really fast, better starting to try tonight.
Your fertility starts to drop after 24. At 30 your chances have dropped by nearly a quarter and from then on it drops by half every 5 years.
Yes, that is unfortunate. That is also part of the reason why my wife and I have a large family. We are both reasonable people, college-educated (she has a B.S., I have a B.S., M.S., and Ph.D.), and generally good, productive members of society. The world needs more people like us having children to at least partially balance out those at the other end of the spectrum who are reproducing much more rapidly.
I will say, however, that you don't need to be well off or educated to be a good parent and raise good children. What is vastly more important is that you love your children, set a good example for them, and teach them to respect others, work hard, etc. I think that what determines who should or shouldn't be having children is much more dependent on those things than on how intelligent they are.
You have a lot to offer! I've been hesitant for health reasons too. Not only passing things on genetically, but how I would physically cope with pregnancy myself.
I've got myself a pretty large brood. I've always loved family and being the oldest of 3, I wished I had more siblings. I was crazy-jealous of my friends who came from big families.
Since I couldn't convince my folks to have more kids, I just decided to have plenty of my own. I love it. I love the craziness. My hubs is from a big family, and though it wasn't his original plan to have a ton, he wouldn't trade it now.
I'm too right-brained to have planned a career. And it wasn't until the last couple of years (in my 30's) that I've figured out what I wanted to do aside from raising my brood. I don't regret having children first, before establishing a career.
I do regret dropping out of college (before hubs and kids so I can't blame that on them)... but at the same time, I didn't know what I wanted then, so it wasn't like I missed out on some huge opportunity since I didn't know what to make of it anyway.
For me, personally, yes. But I can't sit here and write that having kids is the perfect fit for everyone. You gotta do what will work in your life and circumstances.
I am 21 and I can't really imagine having children one day. Or not having them...
I have been like a second mum to my younger sisters who are 17 and 13 years younger than me so I know what it means. You can't relay on your private time at all.
You can plan to travel, but traveling with kids is complicated and exhausting, you can get out but always feel little guilty for leaving them, you can plan to rest or do something for yourself, but just then they get sick.
You have to have "other" personality for your kids so that you are always patient and loving because if you are not then you can realise that you are taking on them your frustrations from work etc.
Also having kids means you should be a role model to them. They imitate everything you do. You are the one that will teach them everything, or at least the most basic things. You can't leave it to your parents, or school, or society, basic things that will form them, your kids will learn from you.
I can't really imagine having enough patience to raise a child. I also plan to have a career and couldn't bear leaving them... So I don't think I'll have children.
On the other side, I would like to be pregnant. I can't really explain that one
And would like to have a child in whom I could see maybe my fathers smile, or my potential mate's eyes, or my whatever. It just fascinates me sometimes the way genetic works. My sister looks just like my grandmather that died 12 years before my sister was born.
Will I regret it in the future? Will I wish for someone to take care of me and stay with me when I am old, grey and dying? Probably, but it's not valid reason for having children. Othervise, I don't think I will feel that I left world uncomplete or sth. You can leave your good deeds, your hard work, or example that you might have been to the others.
Children aren't the only legacy that one can leave.
I have been like a second mum to my younger sisters who are 17 and 13 years younger than me so I know what it means. You can't relay on your private time at all.
You can plan to travel, but traveling with kids is complicated and exhausting, you can get out but always feel little guilty for leaving them, you can plan to rest or do something for yourself, but just then they get sick.
You have to have "other" personality for your kids so that you are always patient and loving because if you are not then you can realise that you are taking on them your frustrations from work etc.
Also having kids means you should be a role model to them. They imitate everything you do. You are the one that will teach them everything, or at least the most basic things. You can't leave it to your parents, or school, or society, basic things that will form them, your kids will learn from you.
I can't really imagine having enough patience to raise a child. I also plan to have a career and couldn't bear leaving them... So I don't think I'll have children.
On the other side, I would like to be pregnant. I can't really explain that one
And would like to have a child in whom I could see maybe my fathers smile, or my potential mate's eyes, or my whatever. It just fascinates me sometimes the way genetic works. My sister looks just like my grandmather that died 12 years before my sister was born.
Will I regret it in the future? Will I wish for someone to take care of me and stay with me when I am old, grey and dying? Probably, but it's not valid reason for having children. Othervise, I don't think I will feel that I left world uncomplete or sth. You can leave your good deeds, your hard work, or example that you might have been to the others.
Children aren't the only legacy that one can leave.
I'm not too fond of children. They are smelly, messy, loud, confused, stubborn, hyper-active, over-emotional and generally a nuisance. But then again, that's my opinion about people in general.
On the other hand, I can see the appeal to pass your own genetic and cultural peculiarities to the next generation: I love myself way too much to think of a world without even a tiny bit of me running around and being awesome. Also, as my relationship with my SO grew and evolved, I surprised myself thinking it would be nice to raise her kids, not just mine. I guess it's part of being in love with her.
So, in the end, children are still much an open question for me: whatever will happen, will happen. I live strictly with a "no regrets" rule, so I will be happy either way.
On the other hand, I can see the appeal to pass your own genetic and cultural peculiarities to the next generation: I love myself way too much to think of a world without even a tiny bit of me running around and being awesome. Also, as my relationship with my SO grew and evolved, I surprised myself thinking it would be nice to raise her kids, not just mine. I guess it's part of being in love with her.
So, in the end, children are still much an open question for me: whatever will happen, will happen. I live strictly with a "no regrets" rule, so I will be happy either way.
It's actually a very beautiful name. Too bad the original bearer got (undeservedly) such an ugly reputation.
I really like the way you think.
The sad thing is that a good number of these children from the "not-more-intelligent" families are actually bright kids with good potential, but their environment often doesn't allow their intelligence to develop fully. The result is yet another generation of unmotivated, frustrated kids repeating the lifecycle of their parents. It's one of the reasons why working in a Sure Start centre is bloody frustrating but never dull.
I'm 34, and I will not be having children. My choice to be child-free begins with my general dislike of children - I have always found being around them to be profoundly unpleasant, to put it as mildly as I feel I can. In addition, I am simply in no way invested in the concept of family, nor have I ever felt inclined to conform to socio-cultural norms or expectations on this topic. Finally, I enjoy my ability to seek out quiet and solitude at home, and my freedom to spend my time, energy, and money as I please.
I'm an only child, and I'm self-centered, and I'm ok with that.
I'm an only child, and I'm self-centered, and I'm ok with that.
I never wanted kids till I was about 24. Now I've got a stepson and two of my own. Wouldn't change it for the world. I'm sure from someone looking in from the outside it looks like I gave up a lot to devote myself to them, but the truth is once you have a baby in your arms a lot of that other stuff just loses it's appeal. I'd rather be home with my boys than out with friends 99% of the time. And no job success in the world is more satisfying than kisses from a toddler.
Btw, give up all those ideas you have about passing on your genetic material or cultural values. Kids are thier own people just like you are. They may have your dna but do things like love star wars and hate star trek. Or may look nothing like you.
and I still rarely like other people's kids. And other people's babies are boring. Could spend hours just staring at mine though.
Btw, give up all those ideas you have about passing on your genetic material or cultural values. Kids are thier own people just like you are. They may have your dna but do things like love star wars and hate star trek. Or may look nothing like you.
and I still rarely like other people's kids. And other people's babies are boring. Could spend hours just staring at mine though.
I'm 28 and do not wish to reproduce, ever. Never have, and probably never will. I can think of so many reasons why I'd ruin not just my own life but my kid's life, and few reasons why that wouldn't be so.
I have major hereditary mental illness, for one, and frankly a big part of me resents my parents for bringing me into the world knowing my ability to derive joy from life would be curtailed. So why would I do the same to someone else. Even if I adopted, my mental illness would dictate too much of my parenting style to leave my kid unscathed.
I'm like baby kryptonite. Every kid I've ever held, without exception, begins screaming hysterically as soon as they're in my arms. I think the babies of the world are trying to tell me something.
I've never been comfortable around children, and can't relate to them. This was true even when I was a child. They're screeching, stinking selfish little creatures, and the majority of people I know who have them would choose not to if they could do it over again.
My life's in pieces and I'd really like to pull it together and actually control it myself for once little instead of handing it off to someone else for the rest of my life.
And don't even start me on my pathological revulsion for all things pregnancy-related.
I have major hereditary mental illness, for one, and frankly a big part of me resents my parents for bringing me into the world knowing my ability to derive joy from life would be curtailed. So why would I do the same to someone else. Even if I adopted, my mental illness would dictate too much of my parenting style to leave my kid unscathed.
I'm like baby kryptonite. Every kid I've ever held, without exception, begins screaming hysterically as soon as they're in my arms. I think the babies of the world are trying to tell me something.
I've never been comfortable around children, and can't relate to them. This was true even when I was a child. They're screeching, stinking selfish little creatures, and the majority of people I know who have them would choose not to if they could do it over again.
My life's in pieces and I'd really like to pull it together and actually control it myself for once little instead of handing it off to someone else for the rest of my life.
And don't even start me on my pathological revulsion for all things pregnancy-related.
Bears, i am totally in love with you now. You summed up how i feel about kids, esp. not being able to relate to them. My niece and nephew are selfish little bastards, lol. I make a pretty good uncle, but i would make a horrible father.
You summed up how i feel about kids, esp. not being able to relate to them. My niece and nephew are selfish little bastards, lol. I make a pretty good uncle, but i would make a horrible father.
I'm a little surprised (in a good way) to see so many with the same attitude as I do (not wanting kids). I guess it just seems that most people I interact with in life don't understand how I could possibly not want them, and it's frustrating to have to "explain myself" all the time. I'm firmly of the opinion that some people are meant to be parents and some aren't. Just because I'm in the second group doesn't make me a weirdo or a second-class citizen.
When the kids were babies, we had disposable income - income we spent on disposable diapers.
We have 3 kids - 2 adopted and one bio. We went through a fairly long struggle with infertility prior to adopting and it was hell on my wife. She always had the expectation that she would be a mother and would raise a family. When it didn't look like we would be able to do that, she was heartbroken. Being a labor and delivery nurse didn't help the situation much at times, either.
In May of 2003 we adopted two kids from Russia, and then the following September had a biological child. Looking back, I'm glad we did what we did, our lives are certainly fuller for it. Sure, we don't go on big vacations or have new cars every year, but life is all about choices.
We choose to send our kids to private school, so more money out the door, but it's our choice.
I almost can't imagine not having my kids in my life. From the first time my daughter said "I love you daddy", to seeing my oldest make an interception in his first football game, to the wide eyed innocence of my youngest giving me one of his stuffed animals to take on a business trip so I "wouldn't be lonely".
We've made some great friends with other parents in the school that we wouldn't have known were it not for our kids.
It works for us but I know it doesn't work for everybody. I respect those who know that it won't work for them.
Russia?! You're raising Communists!
But no, that's a very nice family.
But no, that's a very nice family.
I don't want kids and never have.
Russia?! You're raising Communists!
But no, that's a very nice family.
"In Soviet Russia, children adopt YOU!"
I'm impressed with the posts in this thread. Children can be such a touchy topic, but it's also a very personal choice and I'm impressed that most people have respected the decisions of others without taking issue. It sounds like most people have thought things out well and are happy with their decisions.
I am quite happy with my decision to not have any kids ever, lol.
