Another guy kissed my girlfriend.

[Rii]

Since when has inviting someone back to your place and then making sexual advances been creepy?

Television informs me that this is how most relationships proceed. Of course television also informs me that cities consist almost entirely of nurses, police officers, lawyers and criminals.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Since when has inviting someone back to your place and then making sexual advances been creepy? Who makes sexual advances in public? "Come back to my place" is perfectly normal behaviour for someone who has sexual interest in another party. But you seem to think it makes that person a potential rapist! What is it with these "sexual predators" hiding under the bed?

I'm sorry, but i have to disagree. Have you never heard of date rape?

Oh for goodness sake. So, if I said I saw an adult holding hands with a child and insisted "OMG, Paedophile", and you pointed out "the majority of cases it's entirely harmless, don't be such an alarmist" and I returned with "have you never heard of child molestation?!" that would strike you as logical??

Date rape exists. Yes. Indeed. Most cases of inviting a woman back to yourn place, though, are not date rape. If you don't understand that...

 

[Yeoman Randi]

He was not being upfront and honest. What that guy did stinks to high hell.

Well yes, that's true. But "not honest" and "manipulative" does not equal "OMG RAPIST!!!!" as you two seem to be suggesting. Have some perspective.

*sigh* As someone who was date raped when i was 17 i have to say I'm just fine with my perspective.

 

[Jetfire]

^ @ Deranged Nasat
Was this a date? Is she not involved with FC? If I invite a girl over for a friendly visit...it will remain friendly...unless she makes a move...which she did not in this case...this wasn't a romantic outing and further more...this guy could have just told her how he felt instead of earning her trust and then tricking her into a kiss.

Why does she have to make the move? In this case, he made the move. Are you seriously saying if she did it it's fine, but when he does it it's not only wrong but creepy?!

It's not fine in the broader sense...but in that moment...it is safer than just coming on strong for nothing.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Since when has inviting someone back to your place and then making sexual advances been creepy?

Television informs me that this is how most relationships proceed. Of course television also informs me that cities consist almost entirely of nurses, police officers, lawyers and criminals.

Fair enough. But people retreat in couples to private locations all the time in my experience. I often hear people inviting those they've had a few casual encounters with "back to (their) place".

Lets wait until something criminal happens before labelling people as criminals, yes?

 

[Yeoman Randi]

Oh for goodness sake. So, if I said I saw an adult holding hands with a child and insisted "OMG, Paedophile", and you pointed out "the majority of cases it's entirely harmless, don't be such an alarmist" and I returned with "have you never heard of child molestation?!" that would strike you as logical??

Come on. That is ridiculous argument.

His girlfriend had weird feelings about the guy. And he proved her right. I see nothing wrong in saying that this is a perfect example of trusting those initial feelings and staying away.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

He was not being upfront and honest. What that guy did stinks to high hell.

Well yes, that's true. But "not honest" and "manipulative" does not equal "OMG RAPIST!!!!" as you two seem to be suggesting. Have some perspective.

*sigh* As someone who was date raped when i was 17 i have to say I'm just fine with my perspective.

Well your position is understandable then. But to suggest it should be the default position strikes me as not only wrong but dangerous. It encourages hysteria and mistrust and opens people up to more abuses than it prevents.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Oh for goodness sake. So, if I said I saw an adult holding hands with a child and insisted "OMG, Paedophile", and you pointed out "the majority of cases it's entirely harmless, don't be such an alarmist" and I returned with "have you never heard of child molestation?!" that would strike you as logical??

Come on. That is ridiculous argument.

His girlfriend had weird feelings about the guy. And he proved her right. I see nothing wrong in saying that this is a perfect example of trusting those initial feelings and staying away.

What makes you think I disagree that she should trust her feelings and stay away from this guy who is clearly manipulative, selfish and untrustworthy? It's the labelling him as a criminal or abuser that I'm disagreeing with. You have no proof or cause to label this man as such UNTIL HE DOES SOMETHING CRIMINAL OR ABUSIVE. Being an asshole doesn't cut it.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

I never said it should be the default position.

I'm saying women need to listen to those first impressions and inner voices.

And i agree with Jetfire that the guy didn't have to bring her back to his place to tell her his feelings, have her close her eyes and move in for a kiss. I don't remember from Flux's initial post, but did this guy KNOW she is in a steady relationship?

 

[Alidar Jarok]

And what is it about someone coming on to someone else that causes you to feel threatened enough to encourage that violence (which you DID, in your first posts in this thread)?

I already explained it...

..it sounds like what a sexual predator does...luring this girl to his house under the guise of friendship and then making sexual advances???

He could have just told her right out how he felt instead of doing what he did...which is a pretty creepy move and could have turned out bad for her.

Since when has inviting someone back to your place and then making sexual advances been creepy? Who makes sexual advances in public? "Come back to my place" is perfectly normal behaviour for someone who has sexual interest in another party. But you seem to think it makes that person a potential rapist! What is it with these "sexual predators" hiding under the bed?

He also kissed her without her having a clue he was going to. The rest of the stuff about the feelings was fine. That, not so much.

The answer about what to do, however, is simple. If the guy stops - nothing. If not, and he starts doing it at work, she should report him for sexual harassment. That's really all that can be done.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

You know what? You are doing what i have seen you do before. you are getting too emotionally involved in the discussion and not hearing what i am saying. So, i am walking out of this thread now. I've made the comments i initially wanted to make and i'm done.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

He also kissed her without her having a clue he was going to. The rest of the stuff about the feelings was fine. That, not so much.

The answer about what to do, however, is simple. If the guy stops - nothing. If not, and he starts doing it at work, she should report him for sexual harassment. That's really all that can be done.

I agree with all of this.

 

[TheBrew]

I say come into her work and take her then and there. That should send a clear message.

Or do the normal thing and trust her. She handled it and it sucks, but only intervene if it looks like it might be becoming to big for her to handle.

 

[Jetfire]

Deranged Nasat

Is wanting to deal with this guy man to man rational...no...but it is an honest emotional response...apon hearing news like this...after much thought...yes, wait and see how things play out and yes she should see how this is going to effect work...maybe talk to someone there.

But from what I read...this guy is a creep...not a criminal...but a creep.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

You know what? You are doing what i have seen you do before. you are getting too emotionally involved in the discussion and not hearing what i am saying. So, i am walking out of this thread now. I've made the comments i initially wanted to make and i'm done.

I am hearing what you're saying, and it's worrying me. The reason being, you seem to be, due to your own traumatic experiences, projecting the motives and actions of those who hurt you onto others without cause. That is something I do myself, believe me- including on this forum every now and then. And it's no more helpful when I do it. I'm certainly not blaming you- as a victim, of course your perspective will be extra cautious, but it is not helpful- indeed harmful- to start seeing sexual abuse or any other abuse before it has happened, when it HAS NOT happened. Seeing harmful and creepy motives in every asshole-ish behaviour is dangerous. It encourages hysteria and false accusations and abuses.

And as several people on this thread have proven, encourages VIOLENCE against the accused. Maybe I'm jumping at shadows just as I'm accusing you of, but then violence and suspicion and mistrust are to me what sexual abuse seems to be to you. I hope that makes sense.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

But from what I read...this guy is a creep...not a criminal...but a creep.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I agree. He IS a creep. That's a good reason for her to have nothing to do with him and report his behaviour should he try anything again and it heads into harassment. It is not, however, a reason to encourage violence against him or to suggest he's an abuser or sexual predator!

 

[Jax]

Give your girlfriend the most passionate kiss right in front of him to PISS him off and if he does anything else have a nice quiet word with him. I understand the kick his ass comments in the thread though I would only do tha if he threw the 1st punch (make sure you duck of course ).

 

[Scout101]

He also kissed her without her having a clue he was going to. The rest of the stuff about the feelings was fine. That, not so much.

To be fair, the only side of this story we've heard is from Flux, who is playing the role of jilted 3rd party in this particular story. And he heard it second hand.

Not saying it didn't happen exactly like that, and she could have been completely oblivious, but seems more likely that the guy just misread the situation a little. No one's ever been attracted to someone, and built it up just a LITTLE too much in their head. Told someone they liked them, or gone for a kiss when YOU thought you were having a 'moment', only to find out you might have fucked up a little?

Come on, guys! This wasn't some creepy stalker thing, or date rape, or whatever. Guy worked with a girl he was attracted to, read more into her attempts to be friendly, and made a move. After a couple minutes of hurt feelings, he tried to laugh it off a bit and backed off. Where's the f'ing problem here?

Know we gotta go all high drama, and talk about how he probably wanted to kill her and screw her (in that order), or puff out our chests and talk about beating his head in (all while pretending we're not treating women as helpless property that just can't be responsible for themselves), but I really just don't see the problem here, except for how Flux and a couple others seem to want to react to it.

The answer about what to do, however, is simple. If the guy stops - nothing. If not, and he starts doing it at work, she should report him for sexual harassment. That's really all that can be done.

Pretty much it, and what i said at the beginning. He fucked up and read too much into a pretty girl being friendly. If he drops it, that's it. If he pushes the line, he becomes a problem you have to TALK about, not resort to violence.

And the guy may not get Flux's respect, but his gf isn't his property, so the guy can make moves on whoever he wants. I mean, Flux even set his own standards for that! He said it was ok if he felt the girl's other relationship wasn't a good one. Doesn't take much more rationalization to feel that YOU could offer a better relationship than another guy, and to take a shot. Especially since, if you don't treat women as property, all you're offering her is an OPTION. If she feels the new guy is a better choice, good for him. Otherwise, she can just say no. It's not first-come, first-served, and no one has Dibs!

 

[Jetfire]

But from what I read...this guy is a creep...not a criminal...but a creep.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I agree. He IS a creep. That's a good reason for her to have nothing to do with him and report his behaviour should he try anything again and it heads into harassment. It is not, however, a reason to encourage violence against him or to suggest he's an abuser or sexual predator!

True.

So many emotions rush up when this kind of news breaks...honestly it starts out as anger and then more deep emotions will bubble up...I am sure FC will do what is rational and what most of people have suggested. I would hope that his girlfriend keeps her distance from that guy.

 

[Mr Awe]

First thing is to realized that you got the edited version of events. Now, I'm not saying there was anything more than a kiss. But, to go to this guy's apartment and close her eyes, etc doesn't really fit with her being weirded out by him. She made a decision to go. Now, don't blame her for the guy kissing her and expressing his feelings, but you should talk to her about her decision making process. Something is faulty there. At least you can take heart that she told you about it.

Second, the guy didn't do anything that bad. He shouldn't have kissed her without her permission but that's not a huge deal. All he really did was express his feelings and asked her about hers. He didn't force her into anything. She came along willingly. What he did was normal. You really don't have any cause to be upset at him. It was just 2 adults talking about their feelings without any coercion. If that's all it amounts to, no harm done.

So, my advice to you. Don't contact the guy at all. While you'd understandably feel threatened by him, any hostility on your part would be wrong. You don't have to like him but no contact is best. More importantly, talk to your girlfriend and keep those lines of communication open. Thats where your positive steps lie.

Mr Awe