Another guy kissed my girlfriend.

[Alidar Jarok]

He also kissed her without her having a clue he was going to. The rest of the stuff about the feelings was fine. That, not so much.

To be fair, the only side of this story we've heard is from Flux, who is playing the role of jilted 3rd party in this particular story. And he heard it second hand.

That thought crossed my mind. But, since I don't know the parties involved, I can only address this as if the facts were true. I certainly hope no one respects my opinion enough that they'll do whatever I say even when I don't know everything clearly.

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

You and the guy should both wear antlers and duke it out like stags. You'll be fighting for the chance to propagate your genes. Three billion years of evolution can't be wrong.

 

[Mr Awe]

Well the funny thing is, I was actually in a somewhat similar place as he is about a year ago. She had a boyfriend and I was her coworker with a crush. That is where the similarities end. I didn't make my feelings known until after I found out her boyfriend was verbally and physically abusive and I made it clear that my main concern was getting her out of that relationship, regardless of whether or not she wanted to be with me. It wasn't until after she had broken up with him that I made a move physically. This guy, however, jumps at the first chance he gets to make a move, even though he knows she's not only with someone, but happy. So as you can probably tell, there's some added resentment because I was in that position, but had the strength and respect to keep my distance.

I do agree though. It all comes down to what he does next.

The point here is that you don't really know what she told this guy. She did go to his aparment afterall, close her eyes when asked, etc. Now, not saying she went there with any romantic intentions. It could all have been innocent on her part. However, it makes you wonder. Maybe she never told the guy that she even had a boyfriend? Maybe she suspected that he was interested and she was really curious? You'd think she'd have a clue, you can usually tell when someone is that interested. But, maybe not.

I've actually been in that situation where I had a girl after me. Turns out she was engaged! I didn't know. Obviously the guy was upset at me. I put the breaks on it until she could sort it out. She ended up marrying that guy and is not happy with the marriage. But, that's a different story.

My point is, the guy was upset at me but I had no clue. She didn't tell me. The guy never really knew what was going on. But, instead of being upset at me he should've been talking to his fiance more! However, it was easier for him to be upset and me and think that was actually solving the problem. It wasn't.

Your situation is not identical. But, in the end, he just told her his feelings and did not coerce her. She said she wasn't interested. That should be it.

I only agree with you if he should persist. In that case, you and your girlfriend talk, and as a couple you tell him to stop.

Mr Awe

 

[Jetfire]

Here is the bad thing about some guys...a girl can be with a dude and be happy...but other guys don't care and even do some pretty nasty things to get at the girl who is involved with another guy...and yes girls do this too...and it is quite sad really.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I'm sorry to go on about this, but I had to clarify this, and I trust you understand why.

I'm quite disturbed at just how easily people fall into the trap of essentially labelling people as criminals, abusers and "predators", or relating to people as criminals, abusers and predators, WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST EVIDENCE THAT THEY ARE. Forget "guilty until proven innocent", this is even worse. it's "guilty despite no crime or abuse even taking place in the first place". It's "woman was a bit creeped out by odd or asshole-ish behaviour, therefore man is a predator and abuser". No, not even that, it's "I've decided woman should have been creeped out even if she wasn't, therefore the man is an abuser and predator". Please, please tell me this makes you think !!!! and you understand how dangerous, and how wrong this way of thinking is.

There is only ever one reasonable and acceptable situation in which you can relate to a person as a sexual predator or rapist- that is, when a court of law has found them guilty on the basis of a jury's being convinced by evidence that such a crime took place and the person in question did it. Gods help us if people don't understand this.

It is a violation of all social justice to suggest this man is a date-rapist UNLESS A COURT HAS FOUND HIM GUILTY OF SUCH- NOT just because you think a woman should be creeped out by manipulative or selfish behaviour.

I trust this helps explain why I took such exception to Yeoman Randi's "have you not heard of date-rape?" comment. Yes. Yes I have. But I wait until it has happened or been attempted before denouncing someone as a date-rapist.

 

[Amaris]

It's been said several times already, Flux, but don't do anything to the guy in question (who sounds like he just read the wrong signal). Your girlfriend handled the situation very well, and she isn't in need of help, and you would only make things worse if you "came to the rescue". Now, if she needs your help, be at the ready, but it seems she's got a good head on her shoulders and is a smart woman. I also think she's very trustworthy, as she spoke to you about the event. That shows a willingness on her part to put her trust in you and how you will react. Don't let her down.

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

We don't know that the original poster has a girlfriend or is even a real person.

 

[John Picard]

She immediately pulled away and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. He basically professes his feelings for her right then and there. He wants her to flat out tell him if she's not attracted or interested. She tells him...she's not attracted, interested OR available. He says he doesn't care that she's not available, because he goes after the things he wants, or some bullshit like that. She again says no, she doesn't want anything like that. He then tells her he either wants to be with her, or nothing at all. If she won't be his girlfriend he doesn't want her as a friend...

So she said, "Okay...bye."

Sounds like she handled it well and did the right thing. The kissing bandit is now in a bad spot.

So now I have the dilemma as the boyfriend of what to do. Part of me wants to simply end this guy. While I don't see my girlfriend as property, you simply do not make a move on another guy's girl.

*SNIP*

Anyway, any sage advice from you guys would be greatly appreciated.

Again, see the above and appreciate what you have. That guy just screwed himself really good. Be thankful your girlfriend isn't like my ex-wife, who went to bed with just about every guy she met -- and that's when she and I were married.

 

[Pingfah]

We don't know that the original poster has a girlfriend or is even a real person.

He's doin a clever trick typing if he doesn't exist

 

[Alidar Jarok]

We don't know that the original poster has a girlfriend or is even a real person.

That thought might normally cross my mind, but it would involve one of the biggest conspiracies in the history of the internet. I'm pretty sure I could name a half dozen posters who have met him and pictures of he and his girlfriend have dated back a long time.

 

[Asbo Zaprudder]

We don't know that the original poster has a girlfriend or is even a real person.

He's doin a clever trick typing if he doesn't exist

Could be a virtual personna cooked up by someone with a fertile imagination. I'm told that others can vouch for his probable existence based on prior evidence. In that case, I would advise his girlfriend, if serious, to escalate a claim of sexual harassment if the guy doesn't leave her alone. If she's curious about him, and the tale does seem to hint at that, then she would seem to be the sort who likes to drag men around by their balls.

 

[marillion]

Your girlfriend handled this situation perfectly.
You should do nothing - unless you want to look like a complete ass and the owner of your girlfriend.

Gonna agree completely with this. She dealt with it well. If you starting hanging around work more often and throwing mad dog looks his way, you're going to come off as overly posessive and this guy will use that against you with her.

PLUS, you will give him what he wants. He delights in knowing he bothers you and your increased presence will only validate his twisted little world.

Hopefully this will serve to give your girlfriend a dose of common sense as well.

 

[thumbtack]

kissed her without her having a clue he was going to

Highly unlikely.



.

 

[SlaveOfSeven]

I don't see how visiting the home of someone who creeps you out and then closing your eyes at their request can be seen as handling things well. Seems like a pretty stupid thing to do to me, assuming it happened as related.

 

[Mr Awe]

I don't see how visiting the home of someone who creeps you out and then closing your eyes at their request can be seen as handling things well. Seems like a pretty stupid thing to do to me, assuming it happened as related.

That's one of my points and why the OP should focus his energies on the productive steps of improving communication with her.

There are 2 basic possibilities here:

1) She's being totally honest. She was creeped out by the guy yet she not only went to his apartment but closed her eyes when he asked her to (rather than staying on guard). That's bad decision making on her part.

2) Or, she's being a bit deceptive. Maybe she was curious about the guy. Maybe had some inkling that he has a crush on her and wanted to find out. It does seem highly unlikely that she didn't have any clue that this guy was interested in her and was potentially going to kiss her.

Either way, there's something not quite right. The OP should focus on the relationship rather than looking like an overprotective/possessive boyfriend.

Mr Awe

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

How about this: say "hey, that other guy's an ass, but at least he knows a good looking woman when he sees one!"

Getting mad at the guy implies that he's a threat. Conversely, the surest way to deny the threat is to not get mad. If you're not angry, it means the other guy is NOT a threat, that he's irrelevant.

 

[Squiggy]

The troubles of having a smoking hot girlfriend.

 

[ByrdMan]

Either way, there's something not quite right. The OP should focus on the relationship rather than looking like an overprotective/possessive boyfriend.

Mr Awe

Absolutely right.

This reminds me of something similar that happened to me: I was 18 and in my first serious relationship, with a girl who was a couple years older than me. A guy she was in college with tried to kiss her, and she decked him. A few days later, he went up to her, said how sorry he was, and asked her to go see Phantom by way of an apology.

She asked me if I minded if she went (she was a music/theater major), and being the trusting dufus I was, I said I was OK with it. A week later, she broke up with me with no explanation. A month after that, she called me up to tell me they were engaged.

Now, I don't know what kind of person the OP's girlfriend is, but I would be concerned about her willingness to go over to some creepy guy's home alone.

Don't worry about the guy... worry about the girl!

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

If your girlfriend works with this guy and she needs the job, then the first time he crosses any kind of line in the workplace - and he will, because his behavior is already obsessive - she needs to file a complaint with her employer.

That includes texting her while she's at work. Let HR figure out the niceties of that, but get it on the record.

If he bothers her in any way when she's not at work, she should file a complaint with the police. She's told him already that his attentions are unwanted.

All of this is for her own sake, not for her boyfriend or the relationship - she simply has an absolute right to be left alone by this guy.

 

[Squiggy]

If your girlfriend works with this guy and she needs the job, then the first time he crosses any kind of line in the workplace - and he will, because his behavior is already obsessive - she needs to file a complaint with her employer.

And, regardless of what actually happened, the advantage goes to the girl in this situation.