An open letter to Alex Kurtzman

[Mudd]

Someone suggested the necessity of a thread such as this one, but honestly I'm no Samuel T. Cogley.

Neither are you.

Unless you're Samuel T. Cogley.

So, I thought that since one of us trying to do something good would be hard, instead we could each contribute a sentence or two. It's got to be at least as entertaining as one of those "Go to a transcript site and cut and paste a random Star Trek Episode Line-by-Line" topics.

So I'll make a faint start.

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

 

[BillJ]

There better be a penis rock in this schlock you're making or else there'll be Hell to pay!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Someone suggested the necessity of a thread such as this one, but honestly I'm no Samuel T. Cogley.

Neither are you.

Unless you're Samuel T. Cogley.

So, I thought that since one of us trying to do something good would be hard, instead we could each contribute a sentence or two. It's got to be at least as entertaining as one of those "Go to a transcript site and cut and paste a random Star Trek Episode Line-by-Line" topics.

So I'll make a faint start.

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

Words fail me.

 

[HIjol]

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important

You obliterated an entire Universe, Space-Time Continuum, and Compendium of Canon, and brought back Spock from the ether. But, here's the thing:

 

[ancient]

Dear Al

One day, I will come for you.

I will challenge you to Star Trek Jeopardy.

You nerd.

 

[sojourner]

Dear Sir or Madam,

You may have already won!

...

 

[Samuel T. Cogley]

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important

You obliterated an entire Universe, Space-Time Continuum, and Compendium of Canon, and brought back Spock from the ether. But, here's the thing:

Whatever CBS is paying you, it's not worth it.

Read a few pages of the TrekBBS, then cash your check, and run away.

While you still have time.

 

[martok2112]

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

By the sceptor wielding Bishops of the Holy House of G-Rod! By the statue of the Vulcan philosopher, Surak! By the Blood of the fans who have been martyred in the righteous cause of continuity and the sacraments of canon!

We, the chosen ones who have flocked to the fanfilms to seek succor and comfort in the truth of Trek that only the unofficial understand are now faced with your executivity; you, who are disguised in official habit and who are bathed in heresy, and ignorance of IDIC; you, who would truncate the divine "phweet" of phasers for the unTrekly sound of "pew pew" blasters from the noon day devil that is Star Wars! We, G-Rod's hand picked disciples, hereby serve you notice!

Your unholy leader, Abrams, has already perverted the sacred teachings of G-Rod with the blasphemies of G-Luc, the pretender to all that is intellectual and good, who seeks to contort young minds with the farcical fantasies of knights, princesses, and bad feelings about things! And now, your unholy leader has shown his true colors, and taken up mantle to bald-face corrupt the masses with the hell-spawned curse that is Star Wars!

You, who have been charged by the papal pontiffs at CBS to bring the starving chosen ones the holy words "Space-The Final Frontier" after having ascended from your fiery pit; You, who would speak these words as if they were a curse from your lips! You, who would ruin all because we only know your kind too well....

You better not fuck this up! In so doing, you will be cast from the utopian paradise we seek that was promised by almighty G-Rod from time immemorial (well...since 1966)! If you deliver not unto us the history as established in canon by G-Rod; if you instead ply us with your fun and spectacle that has no place in the holy realm of Star Trek; if you deliver to us the slightest serving that is unworthy of the sacred name of Star Trek....

We will stink eye upon thee until thy guts crawl like serpents in your walking carcass! We will rage with the piousness of the most ordained nerds! The Internet shall be our voice, to scream unto the masses the injustices and humiliations we have endured all too often! We shall all-cap until our CPU's are hoarse! You will slapped in the face with the Vulcan hand salute until you bleed green from every pore and orifice! We will impale and brand thee with red hot lirpas and lash thee with freshly barbed ahn-woons!

You have been warned! We are watching you! Do not make us go medieval Klingon on your ass!

Have a nice day.

 

[Ghrakh]

Dear Mr. Kurtzman:

Please notice me.

Sincerely,
Obsessive Trek fan who tries to come of like they're not.

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Someone suggested the necessity of a thread such as this one, but honestly I'm no Samuel T. Cogley.

Neither are you.

Unless you're Samuel T. Cogley.

So, I thought that since one of us trying to do something good would be hard, instead we could each contribute a sentence or two. It's got to be at least as entertaining as one of those "Go to a transcript site and cut and paste a random Star Trek Episode Line-by-Line" topics.

So I'll make a faint start.

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

Please finally make my story about a crab who meets the crew of the Enterprise a reality.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

Dear Alex,

Can I call you Alex? I assume I can, because I'm a Star Trek fan, and that makes me infallible. You know the part in TWOK where Scotty brings a near-corpse to the bridge, grieving? I bet you don't. I bet you don't even know what "TWOK" stands for. You're probably sitting there, scratching your head, trying to pronounce it. "Twawk." "Twawk-twawk-twawk."

Don't smile. The fans don't want to see you smile.

Never smile.

Alex, you need to understand that I like the new movies, but that makes me a horrible person. When I brush my teeth, I dare not peer into the mirror, because I'm a beast of burden. I can only believe you, too, are a beast of burden, for having co-written them. Together we are beasts. Monsters.

Stop smiling.

There's this episode of The Next Generation in which Deanna Troi befriends a socially awkward Betazoid. Do you know what a Betazoid is? Ask Dennis. Do you know who Dennis is? He watches television on average six hours a day. Get over yourself. You don't watch Star Trek six hours a day, Alex. And Alex, if you rearrange the letters in "hours" you may just wind up with "horus" so if you're considering ripping off mythology in this farce of a new series then please consult Roland Emmerich first.

Because you're going to rip things off and that makes fans sad. Because Star Trek was 100% original before you got here.

Some people say Gene Roddenberry is in a Great Bird in the Sky even now. Birds are great, aren't they? "Twawk. Twawk-twawk."

Sincerely,
2:26 AM

 

[stardream]

Dear Alex,

You don't know me but I've been an admirer for yours ever since I found out about your involvement in Fringe and Sleepy Hollow which was about five minutes ago.

I LOVED Fringe and the first season of Sleepy Hollow. Ground breaking Television. You are a true visionary.

I liked the NuTrek too. (Well except for that ONE thing. OK...maybe that thing too. OK...maybe a couple of things) but the point is...

You're really good.

Can we be friends? BFFs? I know people. Well...actually I know people who know people who owe people favors but the thing is I am not without influence.

I KNOW you'll have lots of good ideas for the new show. I know that you'll be glad to listen to input from a 'true fan' who who loves (almost) all things Trek more than anyone else. I'm better than all the other fans and my opinions matter more because I know the true genius behind the man.

XXOOOO

From a true devoted fan who does not see your faults because you are perfect...

XXXOOOOOO

 

[Terok Nor]

Dear Alex,

In regards to the tv series "Star Trek : Enterprise" I'm only going to say this once.

It never happened.

Your Sincerely,

Terok Nor.

 

[Jedman67]

Dear Alex,

My 2 year old son would like to submit a spec script for the pilot of your new Star Trek TV show. It's better than Star Trek (2009).

Sincerely,

Jed

 

[cylkoth]

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

Dance off, yeah you heard me.

Just bring it.

 

[Dr. Chandra]

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

By the sceptor wielding Bishops of the Holy House of G-Rod! By the statue of the Vulcan philosopher, Surak! By the Blood of the fans who have been martyred in the righteous cause of continuity and the sacraments of canon!

We, the chosen ones who have flocked to the fanfilms to seek succor and comfort in the truth of Trek that only the unofficial understand are now faced with your executivity; you, who are disguised in official habit and who are bathed in heresy, and ignorance of IDIC; you, who would truncate the divine "phweet" of phasers for the unTrekly sound of "pew pew" blasters from the noon day devil that is Star Wars! We, G-Rod's hand picked disciples, hereby serve you notice!

Your unholy leader, Abrams, has already perverted the sacred teachings of G-Rod with the blasphemies of G-Luc, the pretender to all that is intellectual and good, who seeks to contort young minds with the farcical fantasies of knights, princesses, and bad feelings about things! And now, your unholy leader has shown his true colors, and taken up mantle to bald-face corrupt the masses with the hell-spawned curse that is Star Wars!

You, who have been charged by the papal pontiffs at CBS to bring the starving chosen ones the holy words "Space-The Final Frontier" after having ascended from your fiery pit; You, who would speak these words as if they were a curse from your lips! You, who would ruin all because we only know your kind too well....

You better not fuck this up! In so doing, you will be cast from the utopian paradise we seek that was promised by almighty G-Rod from time immemorial (well...since 1966)! If you deliver not unto us the history as established in canon by G-Rod; if you instead ply us with your fun and spectacle that has no place in the holy realm of Star Trek; if you deliver to us the slightest serving that is unworthy of the sacred name of Star Trek....

We will stink eye upon thee until thy guts crawl like serpents in your walking carcass! We will rage with the piousness of the most ordained nerds! The Internet shall be our voice, to scream unto the masses the injustices and humiliations we have endured all too often! We shall all-cap until our CPU's are hoarse! You will slapped in the face with the Vulcan hand salute until you bleed green from every pore and orifice! We will impale and brand thee with red hot lirpas and lash thee with freshly barbed ahn-woons!

You have been warned! We are watching you! Do not make us go medieval Klingon on your ass!

Have a nice day.

I think this should be a petition that could be signed by millions (or at least me), instead of a letter.

 

[ancient]

Hey Al,

This a good place to suggest my idea for a new series:

The plot is that there is an evil guy with a giant ship who wants revenge.

The good guys have to learn how to work as a team.

Then they shoot phasers at the bad guy.

Then the bad guy tries to take revenge but the good guys stop him with a combination of yelling, explosions, punching, and phasers.

Then the good guys are friends at the end.

I think this concept should carry the series though at least 5 seasons.

Thanks

 

[Jedman67]

Jonathon Frakes will play the role of the new ship's deadliest weapon. Whenever the ship is under attack, an elderly and slightly senile William Riker will emerge and shout badly-translated Shakespeare in Klingon. Few would be able to survive such an onslaught.

 

[martok2112]

Dear Alex Kurtzman,

You don't know me and I've never worked a day on the staff of any television series, but I am a real Star Trek fan who's watched a lot of television since I was a little kid. I figure I've averaged six hours a day.

And you're sort of a wunderkind, so you really aren't even old enough to have seen as much TV as me.

So I'm clearly qualified to tell you how to do your job.

Pay attention, dummy. This is important.

By the sceptor wielding Bishops of the Holy House of G-Rod! By the statue of the Vulcan philosopher, Surak! By the Blood of the fans who have been martyred in the righteous cause of continuity and the sacraments of canon!

We, the chosen ones who have flocked to the fanfilms to seek succor and comfort in the truth of Trek that only the unofficial understand are now faced with your executivity; you, who are disguised in official habit and who are bathed in heresy, and ignorance of IDIC; you, who would truncate the divine "phweet" of phasers for the unTrekly sound of "pew pew" blasters from the noon day devil that is Star Wars! We, G-Rod's hand picked disciples, hereby serve you notice!

Your unholy leader, Abrams, has already perverted the sacred teachings of G-Rod with the blasphemies of G-Luc, the pretender to all that is intellectual and good, who seeks to contort young minds with the farcical fantasies of knights, princesses, and bad feelings about things! And now, your unholy leader has shown his true colors, and taken up mantle to bald-face corrupt the masses with the hell-spawned curse that is Star Wars!

You, who have been charged by the papal pontiffs at CBS to bring the starving chosen ones the holy words "Space-The Final Frontier" after having ascended from your fiery pit; You, who would speak these words as if they were a curse from your lips! You, who would ruin all because we only know your kind too well....

You better not fuck this up! In so doing, you will be cast from the utopian paradise we seek that was promised by almighty G-Rod from time immemorial (well...since 1966)! If you deliver not unto us the history as established in canon by G-Rod; if you instead ply us with your fun and spectacle that has no place in the holy realm of Star Trek; if you deliver to us the slightest serving that is unworthy of the sacred name of Star Trek....

We will stink eye upon thee until thy guts crawl like serpents in your walking carcass! We will rage with the piousness of the most ordained nerds! The Internet shall be our voice, to scream unto the masses the injustices and humiliations we have endured all too often! We shall all-cap until our CPU's are hoarse! You will slapped in the face with the Vulcan hand salute until you bleed green from every pore and orifice! We will impale and brand thee with red hot lirpas and lash thee with freshly barbed ahn-woons!

You have been warned! We are watching you! Do not make us go medieval Klingon on your ass!

Have a nice day.

I think this should be a petition that could be signed by millions (or at least me), instead of a letter.

Jonathon Frakes will play the role of the new ship's deadliest weapon. Whenever the ship is under attack, an elderly and slightly senile William Riker will emerge and shout badly-translated Shakespeare in Klingon. Few would be able to survive such an onslaught.

 

[xortex]

Three words: Giant space chicken.

Make GRRRR proud. It should have been given to Ian Banks but unfortunately he died. But they and space opera lives on. I just wish you were Rod Serling.