Shatnered
Voyager strikes the Nexus, and Captain Kirk appears on the bridge. At the same time, Voyager is also struck by transdementedkinetic mines that Annorax once made while on a binge and some primo Kush, which cause Kirk to be split into Kirk, William Shatner, and their toupee. Both men grapple for the toupee, but it releases an acid that burns a hole through several decks and makes its escape. Somewhere, Veronica Cartwright screams.
Janeway is a little bowled over by the sudden appearance of the legendary James T. Kirk, but has Tuvok confine him to quarters after he sits in the command chair and sends her for coffee. Shatner, a little shocked but rolling with it and having seen Galaxy Quest 28 times, offers his skills to defeat the Klingons, and warns that the grain is poisoned. He gets confined to quarters too.
Kirk leaves his quarters unescorted and attempts a site-to-site transport to a shuttle, but is split once again into good Kirk and sweaty Kirk. Sweaty Kirk attempts to put some moves on Seven, and gets a broken wrist for his trouble, but later he punches out Harry and all is forgiven. Good Kirk tries to explain to the bridge crew that he needs his evil half to function, because what is a man without all his stuff etc etc, and Shatner explains that he will never again be able to do a torn-shirt scene without that part either because sweat. Everyone falls asleep under this combined assault, and the ECH takes command. Shatner is so impressed by the Doctor's scene chewing that he offers him the McCoy role in a Star Trek:The Final Frontier remake, but the Doctor declines when he hears it's not a musical. He does successfully do an emergency re-attachment of the toupee to Shatner while singing a recitativo from Rigoletto, which wakes everyone up and gets the Doctor their undying gratitude and also deactivated indefinitely.
Janeway orders all three men to the transporter room and attempts to fuse them again. Unfortunately the Nexus, mines, and toupee acid have altered the transporter again, and argle bargle in the pattern buffer causes Tuvix, a second Neelix, and another Tuvok to pop out instead. The Neeli and Tuvokim host a buffet and snarkfest, which quickly becomes the wordiest food fight in history after Tom, having learned about Animal House from New Neelix (who has a few Shatner memories), does a phenomenal zit impression. A burnt-out Janeway retires to the Nexus with Annorax, the Kush, and a silver surfer vaporizer, and puts Tuvix in command, because she has had it up to her early-season updo with the TrekkBBS "murderer!" whiners.