A maybe strange question.

[Spot's Meow]

Spot's Meow - Love your User ID and avatar....just saying!

Why thank you!

I think the physical and mental stuff probably varies from person to person. I'm not fond of physical contact of any sort. Not even hugs from family members. I don't mind them, but they don't mean much to me. What I feel for and about them matters a great deal however. I've only ever wanted to touch a handful of people. But not in a sexual way. Just in that.. I love you and I want to make you feel it sort of way. The whole wanting sex thing is alien to me. But I can relate to wanting someone to pet you or squeeze your shoulder.

I doubt asexuals and.. pro...sexuals(?) could have a good and properly functional relationship. Sex means a lot to some people. I blame the chemicals! :P I can't pretend I understand how sex can matter, because I've never felt that it does. But I know that it does matter to most people. I was surprised at how little it was mentioned here earlier.

Also consider that many are of the mindset that you can go through different sexual identities in different phases of your life. You may go through several years feeling asexual, and then a period where you do desire contact, and then go back to being asexual again. Not everyone agrees with this, some say you either are an asexual person or you are not, but many do. It is certainly something that I can relate to. I too have struggled with feeling like I am the only person who doesn't desire sex in a completely sex-obsessed world. Everywhere you look, everything seems to be based on the human desire for sex, and I find it foreign and often annoying. It's just not something that would ever enter my mind. I just added a documentary called (A)Sexual to my Netflix queue, I think it should be interesting.

 

[BennieGamali]

Also consider that many are of the mindset that you can go through different sexual identities in different phases of your life. You may go through several years feeling asexual, and then a period where you do desire contact, and then go back to being asexual again. Not everyone agrees with this, some say you either are an asexual person or you are not, but many do. It is certainly something that I can relate to. I too have struggled with feeling like I am the only person who doesn't desire sex in a completely sex-obsessed world. Everywhere you look, everything seems to be based on the human desire for sex, and I find it foreign and often annoying. It's just not something that would ever enter my mind. I just added a documentary called (A)Sexual to my Netflix queue, I think it should be interesting.

I certainly wish the changing thing is true. IT would make things a lot easier! :PBut I somewhat doubt it. I'm 25 and it's always been this way for me. That might sound naive to people who are older. I'm not sure when people usually start looking at other people in that way. But if it's like.. at age 15? Then that's 10 years of not wanting a single person, even the ones you've had crushes on. So imagine not a single "naughty" thought about anyone for 10 years. It doesn't really leave me with much hope of changing. But I guess it's smart to be open for that possibility. From what I've read about asexuals it seems the term isn't all that fixed. Some asexuals have sex, they just have no desire for it. And some asexuals are repulsed by it and never have sex. Some asexuals never feel the need for romance either, and some never feel attraction of any kind. I'm glad I at least feel romantic attraction and stuff like that. It's a nice feeling.

 

[Amaris]

I seem to find myself growing more inclined for physical contact. When I was in high school it wasn't so important, but I'm rather touch sensitive now, in the fact that [wanted] physical contact is wholly welcome.

 

[propita]

You know, what's funny is that, when I first met Hubby (at work), I absolutely hated him and hoped he'd fail probation. Or thought I hated him. Years later, I asked our counselor about that and about love at first sight. He said that, because of how I was, that I reacted emotionally so quickly to things, I was his patient most likely to have love at first sight--though, in my naïveté I did not recognize it.

And, yes, my comment about "unusual" was as described. I still smile like a teenager when I even think of him--still in the infatuation stage. I believe I'm very lucky to have found my husband.

 

[BennieGamali]

Haha, that is sweet propita.
It's always nice to hear about people who feel that way. I know a couple who have been together for a while. They say they feel like they're family, they trust that the other person will always be there. They don't feel the spark all the time,and sometimes they get a bit tired of one another. Sometimes they even feel attraction to other people. But they don't care about the attraction thing, it just something silly their brain does. But they talk about each other like that man from that clip earlier.

 

[propita]

We went to talk to, I guess he was a financial advisor, today. Anyway, we were there only about 10 minutes when this guy just started laughing! I'm all, "what's so funny?" He said that we were really a funny couple, joking, relaxed and honest, and so obviously there for each other. I thought that was such a nice thing to say...and it tells you something about me and Hubby. We're (well, I am) pretty obvious about things. No poker face, a complete WYSIWYG

 

[jazzstick]

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
Robert Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

Damn! I Grok that!


Also:

When you can look at the person you are with at their best, when the are relaxed happy content and easy going and love them for who they are and when they come home from work, tired, stinking, grumpy and possibly at their worst, you can look at them and still see the person you are madley in love with.

You know that's love!

I loved a woman like that once and not a day goes by that I don't miss her and am thankful for the love we had and what it taught me! I think I loved her more when she was like that, when she wasn't trying to be at her best, her guard was down and she could just be who she was, she was the most human then!

 

[TorontoTrekker]

A group that I've been a fan of for several years recently put out a song that nicely sums up how I feel on this topic at the moment:

Talking tough and feeling bitter
But better now it's clear to me
That love is a bourgeois construct
So I've given up the bourgeoisie

Now, I'll probably change my mind if I ever meet someone with whom I become infatuated. But at the age of 46, having only had two relationships in my life that lasted longer than six months, I'm not holding my breath for it.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Same here, but that doesn't mean love doesn't exist. Sometimes there are compatibility issues or geographical issues or whatever that screw things up.

We went to talk to, I guess he was a financial advisor, today. Anyway, we were there only about 10 minutes when this guy just started laughing! I'm all, "what's so funny?" He said that we were really a funny couple, joking, relaxed and honest, and so obviously there for each other. I thought that was such a nice thing to say...and it tells you something about me and Hubby. We're (well, I am) pretty obvious about things. No poker face, a complete WYSIWYG

That's nice. That's the kind of relationship that most people dream of.

 

[Leviathan]

HEY! NOT COOL!

I came in here expecting a strange question. Something akin to "If a flock of sheep were to pedal by on unicycles whilst playing the violin what sort of music should they be playing?"

So. Very. Disappointed.

...your current Philosophical Question may be answered by the internet. Here you are: http://www.prokerala.com/entertainment/love-meter/

 

[BennieGamali]

Someone should make a "strange question game" Like.. You ask a weird silly question.. Then the next poster has to give as good a reply as he or she can.. And ask a new weird question.

 

[Mr Awe]

I've been with Hubby 26 years now. Yeah, we have moments (or hours) where we don't necessarily like each other, are angry or hurt, or even wonder if it was all a big mistake. But the anger passes and we're back at our default...enjoying having the other person there and enjoying touching the other person (not necessarily sex, just contact). I'm told this is unusual. Why?

I think that sounds quite normal for a couple who is in love. Being in love doesn't mean you'll always agree, etc. Life has its ups and downs. But, if you love each other, value the other's happiness, etc, things tend to work out. And, that seems to be exactly what happens to you two.

So, not unusual at all.

Mr Awe

 

[propita]

Normal for people in love, but I'm told unusual--or maybe less common. Which is really sad to me. I think that if more people could feel with someone what I have, there would be some happier people in the world.

This adviser guy said he runs into a lot of couples around our ages who are on their second and third marriages. So I guess they haven't found the person whom they can love, who loves them, and they can grow together instead of grow apart.

Why do you think it's so hard? Is it the "I don't know" thing that so many people answer when they don't want to or can't think about a subject? Is their ability to love limited in some way? I would think that they could find someone who fits well enough if both have an understanding of who they are and what they want.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Some people really don't want to love actively in the same way as others. Yes I think it is limited, or a better way to say it different. If you have two people who want to be in love, show their love, value the other person's happiness, who make that a choice either consciously or naturally because they are wired that way you have a good chance of what you describe propita. But this kind of thing doesn't get discussed generally.. you don't embark on a relationship talking about whether you want to stay in love forever and work on it and express it. So for a lot of people the initial flush of infatuation and happiness wears off, perhaps it was tied to novelty. And no one says "hey lets work on this, let's KEEP that level of happiness going".

 

[Mr Awe]

Why do you think it's so hard? Is it the "I don't know" thing that so many people answer when they don't want to or can't think about a subject? Is their ability to love limited in some way? I would think that they could find someone who fits well enough if both have an understanding of who they are and what they want.

Honest answer? I think it's because most people (myself included) are more annoying the more you know them. Familiarity breeds contempt. Everyone has annoying habits and the more you're exposed to them the more irritating they get. Things like that compound over time.

Also, throw in the fact that life has some serious adverse events, money problems, etc all of which add stress.

There's also evidence that, unlike some bird species, humans are not meant to be monogamous. Trying to force that can also impose stress and resentment.

You combine the stress of life, familiarity breeds contempt, and enforced but unnatural monogamy, and that's what can happen.

Hey, just trying to be your ray of sunshine today! "True love" can happen. But, I think there are many reasons why it can wear out over the years and decades.

It's great that you guys still have it! Treasure it!

Mr Awe

 

[propita]

Some people really don't want to love actively in the same way as others. Yes I think it is limited, or a better way to say it different. If you have two people who want to be in love, show their love, value the other person's happiness, who make that a choice either consciously or naturally because they are wired that way you have a good chance of what you describe propita. But this kind of thing doesn't get discussed generally.. you don't embark on a relationship talking about whether you want to stay in love forever and work on it and express it. So for a lot of people the initial flush of infatuation and happiness wears off, perhaps it was tied to novelty. And no one says "hey lets work on this, let's KEEP that level of happiness going".

RE: the bolded portion

Oh. The thing is, we did talk about it, partially because, as my parents said a lot, "You two over-analyze; you beat it to death with analysis." But the thing is, we BOTH do this. It's how we each approach problems and issues. I don't think we thing too much, just more than many. But it's been this way of thinking of options and consequences, and therefore which option to select, that has kept us aligned with each other. We each grow on our own, but we don't diverge too far.

I am quite positive that I would not have stayed with someone who did not think similarly, similarly as in think a lot. Ditto for Hubby. We're a good match that way.

Yes, we saw a counselor for a few years--nothing is perfect. Most of what we dealt with was our individual baggage, but then also having to take the other's baggage into account, to understand where they were coming from and how to understand and deal with it.

Our way is not the way for most people; they are not us. But I had always figured that a lot of people could find their counterpart, in their own way, without succumbing to "eh, too much bother to change things" or "skip this and get a divorce."

 

[propita]

I guess this subject matter to me from all the similar comments we've gotten from friends and complete strangers. How we're so "sweet" and "it's nice to see people can stay in love" and such.

I didn't think too much of it for the first 10 years or so; I express my emotions and Hubby has relaxed over time. But after 20 years.... And people's surprise that we're not newlyweds, after so many years.... Well, I just ended up wondering if what we have, that is obviously obvious to others, is really that unusual. I didn't think it was; now I'm wondering.

 

[Mr Awe]

^ Honestly, I don't think it's so unusual despite my earlier email. Life can wear people and relationships down. However, I think there are multiple studies that show people are happier both when they're older and particularly when they're married. Unmarried, and remarried people tend to be less happy.

Mr Awe

 

[RoJoHen]

Also consider that many are of the mindset that you can go through different sexual identities in different phases of your life. You may go through several years feeling asexual, and then a period where you do desire contact, and then go back to being asexual again. Not everyone agrees with this, some say you either are an asexual person or you are not, but many do. It is certainly something that I can relate to. I too have struggled with feeling like I am the only person who doesn't desire sex in a completely sex-obsessed world. Everywhere you look, everything seems to be based on the human desire for sex, and I find it foreign and often annoying. It's just not something that would ever enter my mind. I just added a documentary called (A)Sexual to my Netflix queue, I think it should be interesting.

This is interesting that you say these things. I've also often found myself feeling like this. I never had a girlfriend, so everybody for a while assumed I was gay. Well, no, because I'm not attracted to men either!

It honestly hasn't been until this last year that I actually started wanting to have sexual relationships. I was perfectly content to be alone, but now I want to start dating. I want a partner. It's odd; is this how most people have been feeling all their lives? Did I just hit puberty at age 28?

 

[trekkiedane]

"If a flock of sheep were to pedal by on unicycles whilst playing the violin what sort of music should they be playing?"

Bach - Definitely Bach!

Someone should make a "strange question game" Like.. You ask a weird silly question.. Then the next poster has to give as good a reply as he or she can.. And ask a new weird question.

I think it would be stopped if it wasn't in a lounge.