A maybe strange question.

[BennieGamali]

So. I have a maybe strange question, or maybe it's a normal question. I honestly don't know. I just want to know:

How do you know if you love someone, or if you just love their attention?

 

[Mr. B]

Does the thought of living without that person make you feel physically ill?

Also this:

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
Robert Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

 

[Amaris]

Just my opinion, of course, but when it feels like "friendship" isn't enough, and "crush" just doesn't do the feeling justice, you're on your way. When that person's thoughts and feelings matter to you, and when they are away from you, you can't wait to see them again. When you want them to be happy, even if their happiness doesn't involve you, I would say you're right there where love lives.

 

[propita]

John has it right.

I met my husband and work and was falling in love with before I even knew that I liked him! When he wasn't there, my day was...worse. And I realized that his presence made my day better. All this before we ever went out.

But even then, if it was better for him to be without me, I would've stepped back.

 

[Shanndee]

All of the above! (seriously good answers everyone!)

I'd add that simple things that used to seem incredibly important just don't seem that important without the person.

When I was single I always swore I would have a "girls only" night every week. I certainly didn't count on missing him when he wasn't there...and I really didn't expect to have less fun when he wasn't around! (...my last "girls night" was almost 2 years ago!)

So, yeah. The big things stated above are the most important, but little things speak volumes too!

 

[BennieGamali]

Thanks for your answers you three.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Romantic love can be complex and subtle, but J has the essential element-- the other person's happiness supersedes your own. True love isn't selfish-- it's not about needing somebody or not being able to live without them or not wanting anybody else to be with them or any of those things-- because your happiness comes from just knowing they exist. Of course, the best thing is when the feeling is mutual.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

John has it right.

I met my husband and work and was falling in love with before I even knew that I liked him! When he wasn't there, my day was...worse. And I realized that his presence made my day better. All this before we ever went out.

I feel this way about coffee.

 

[propita]

Lol!

Here's another question...if all these positive feelings are about loving someone, what is not loving someone anymore? Do you just not give a damn about their happiness anymore, one way or another? Do you not have that "generally feels better when they're around" feeling anymore?

I've been with Hubby 26 years now. Yeah, we have moments (or hours) where we don't necessarily like each other, are angry or hurt, or even wonder if it was all a big mistake. But the anger passes and we're back at our default...enjoying having the other person there and enjoying touching the other person (not necessarily sex, just contact). I'm told this is unusual. Why?

 

[Amaris]

Lol!

Here's another question...if all these positive feelings are about loving someone, what is not loving someone anymore? Do you just not give a damn about their happiness anymore, one way or another? Do you not have that "generally feels better when they're around" feeling anymore?

I've been with Hubby 26 years now. Yeah, we have moments (or hours) where we don't necessarily like each other, are angry or hurt, or even wonder if it was all a big mistake. But the anger passes and we're back at our default...enjoying having the other person there and enjoying touching the other person (not necessarily sex, just contact). I'm told this is unusual. Why?

Who told you that's unusual? Not that I'm accusing, just wondering. What you're saying sounds more like "comfortable," which is fine as long as the two of you are happy. Love doesn't always have to move the world; sometimes love is just a warm blanket laid upon you when you fall asleep on the couch.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I think she's told it is unusual because a lot of folk are sick of each other after 25 years.

 

[shivkala]

I could stumble through a response, but this scene from Good Will Hunting says it better than I could, especially this part:

[yt]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuPmhz-r3og[/yt]

If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feelin' like God put an angel on Earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know|what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her be there forever. Through anything.

And the part that follows, that's not in the video above:

Through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleepin' sittin' up in a hospital room... for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes... that the terms 'visiting hours' don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

 

[Spot's Meow]

When someone annoys the shit out of you and you feel like they must be the most irritating person in the world at that moment...and yet the possibility of just leaving them doesn't even occur to you. And even while you are arguing, you can suddenly burst into laughter with each other about something and then go back to arguing afterwards. It's a level of trust that, even when you are having your worst days together, you can still depend on each other.

This is why I think it takes time to discover whether you truly love someone. Love at first sight may be real, but to know whether that's what you're experiencing, or just a passing fancy, you have to be together for a while so that you can get into that more comfortable space of being your worst self around each other. It will be all positive and giddy in the beginning, but after that's over you get to the real relationship.

The opposite of love is NOT hate, the opposite of love is apathy. Even when you are fighting with someone you love, that exhibits passion, strong emotions either way that you cannot contain. Once those strong feelings go away, and instead of engaging in both the positive and negative moments, you just don't care that much anymore, the love is gone. You feel apathy toward the person and while it may be hard to imagine living your life without them (after all, their presence has become a habit for you), you just aren't emotionally invested anymore. Or maybe you never were.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Everybody could come in here and answer this question, and every answer would be the same and completely different.

Love is like the Mandelbrot Set: A simple equation of infinite detail.

 

[Captain Kathryn]

You just know.

Distorting a Harry Potter quote for you:

"If you need to ask, you're probably not. If you already know... you need not ask."

 

[Captain Kathryn]

Spot's Meow - Love your User ID and avatar....just saying!

 

[BennieGamali]

You just know.

Distorting a Harry Potter quote for you:

"If you need to ask, you're probably not. If you already know... you need not ask."

It's not always that simple. I've always been told love is a physical thing. But I've never wanted anything physical with anyone. I was told "YOu weren't in love with him in the first place" when I told someone that being physical with my ex had been the reason I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. So I beleived that and for years I felt like an asshole for having "tricked" him into lovingme without loving him. After asking this question here I started googling a bit. I found out there's something called being an "asexual". Turns out you don't have to want to sleep with people to be in love!

I think all the replies here have been quite lovely and good. Its interesting to see what people think of it, or how. People think of it in slightly different ways, but bottom line it's almost the same for everyone it seems.

 

[Emher]

Just my opinion, of course, but when it feels like "friendship" isn't enough, and "crush" just doesn't do the feeling justice, you're on your way. When that person's thoughts and feelings matter to you, and when they are away from you, you can't wait to see them again. When you want them to be happy, even if their happiness doesn't involve you, I would say you're right there where love lives.

J. nails it again. Spot on.

Also...

I could stumble through a response, but this scene from Good Will Hunting says it better than I could, especially this part:

If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feelin' like God put an angel on Earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know|what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her be there forever. Through anything.

And the part that follows, that's not in the video above:

Through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleepin' sittin' up in a hospital room... for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes... that the terms 'visiting hours' don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

...this is spot on as well. It's so rare, my Gods, it's so rare. So if you've never felt anything like that before, don't worry.


Also what you say about asexuality...that's a tough one since I am highly sexual myself, but I will say that love is not a purely physical thing. I'd say it's mental and it enhances the physical aspect.

 

[BennieGamali]

I think the physical and mental stuff probably varies from person to person. I'm not fond of physical contact of any sort. Not even hugs from family members. I don't mind them, but they don't mean much to me. What I feel for and about them matters a great deal however. I've only ever wanted to touch a handful of people. But not in a sexual way. Just in that.. I love you and I want to make you feel it sort of way. The whole wanting sex thing is alien to me. But I can relate to wanting someone to pet you or squeeze your shoulder.

I doubt asexuals and.. pro...sexuals(?) could have a good and properly functional relationship. Sex means a lot to some people. I blame the chemicals! :P I can't pretend I understand how sex can matter, because I've never felt that it does. But I know that it does matter to most people. I was surprised at how little it was mentioned here earlier.

 

[Captain Kathryn]

You just know.

Distorting a Harry Potter quote for you:

"If you need to ask, you're probably not. If you already know... you need not ask."

It's not always that simple. I've always been told love is a physical thing. But I've never wanted anything physical with anyone. I was told "YOu weren't in love with him in the first place" when I told someone that being physical with my ex had been the reason I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. So I beleived that and for years I felt like an asshole for having "tricked" him into lovingme without loving him. After asking this question here I started googling a bit. I found out there's something called being an "asexual". Turns out you don't have to want to sleep with people to be in love!

I think all the replies here have been quite lovely and good. Its interesting to see what people think of it, or how. People think of it in slightly different ways, but bottom line it's almost the same for everyone it seems.

Love isn't a physical thing or at least, not solely. For me, physical affection is just an added benefit. When you meet someone, you automatically size them up in your mind. You make assumptions based on interactions and make judgements that might not even realize you are making. I think they said that the more time you spend with someone, you eventually figure out (maybe subconsciously) if you are compatible or not. This MAY be based on some physical factors, of course. But that is not the primary nor sole decider, even if people think it is. I think they say if your compatibility is over a certain threshold (example: 80%), you may be more likely to date or fall in love with that person.

If you can't imagine yourself ever, ever being without that person. If you miss them when they aren't around, but respect them enough to let them live their own life to the fullest. If you find yourself assuming that you will end up together and if that thought makes you feel good...then you are probably in love.

If the thought of spending your life with that person makes you feel uneasy, sick, or any other undesirable feeling...you may not be in love.

Sex is not love. Sex is a byproduct of love for many, but really is just a purely physical act. The chemicals released during sex in the brain (if you enjoyed it, at least) does serve to produce a feeling of connection between the two people, especially for women. There is also the incessant drive to procreate with your chosen mate, etc. Yeah, that is what most people do. But sex itself is not equated with love. I could have sex with anyone right at this moment and maybe enjoy it, but that does not mean I am in love. And on the other hand, I could be desperately in love with someone while never laying a hand on them.