TNG Caption This! 281: Standard Procedure

[LeadHead]

Happy Late Saturday to everyone!

First up to the plate, we have the "Lack of Proper Training" Award, going to:

Worf: "I have no idea what these controls do."

Data: "Neither does Chief O'Brien."

Worf: "So that's why he looks so worried every time he beams us."

Next, we have the "Lets get this party started!" Award, going to:

LaForge: Captain, you know you don't -have- to go to Lwaxana's birthday party just because you were invited?

Next, we have the "Communications difficulties" Award, going to:

Picard: "Temba, his arms wide?"
Tamarian (on viewscreen): "Troi, her garments discarded?"
Troi: "Worf, his communication link closed!"

Next, we have the "Interstellar Networking" Award, going to:

"Geordi, I realize you're very attached to the Vulcan social networking system, but you really need to lay off the T'witter."

Next, we have the "Incomplete Instructions" Award, going to:

Picard: Mr. Worf, when Wesley asked you to ensure that I "had protection," he didn't mean for you to stand guard.

Our Photoshop award, goes to:

Stewart: Ah, Mr Berman. I'd like to begin salary negotiations for the fourth season.

Sorry about the late start, I warned you it would be a busy weekend for yours truly. I expect to be on time next weekend!

Gotta get to sleep, so no announcements for now.

New contest! Yay!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Data: Actually, Commander, according to a recent survey of the crew, they'd feel safer if I were in command today.

Barclay: Doctor, these aren't my readings, this person is in a state of arousal.

Crusher: You're right, but who could it be?

Riker: Oh, Beverly...

Crusher: Not now, Will!

Troi's popularity is stable, the phaser is only on stun.

Riker: Turns out you forgot to pay your electric bill.

Riker: Captain, meet the leader of the new alien race, the Florescents.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Data processing: "I swear, if he sticks those stinknuts in my face one more time..."

Barclay: "You need me to reprogram the sickbay transporter? Why?"
Crusher: "Well, we've managed to extract Data's forearm from Commander Riker's rectum, but the Commander's genitals are lodged somewhere around his duodenum. We can't go in surgically so we'll need finer control over the medical transporter to remove them intact..."

Warning from the Federation Surgeon General: Lipophaser should only be performed by a licensed medical clinician...

Riker: "Ensign It, I'd thank you for facing me when I speak to you... Oh you are... Anyway, people are complaining about the sonic showers on G deck being clogged. Do you know about anything about this?"

Data: "We are exactly 88.7535 light years from Gamma Trianguli VI."
Picard: "Then this would be the light of..."
Data: "Captain Kirk's awesomeness at the moment he convinced Vaal to self-destruct."
Riker: "It's breathtaking."

 

[shivkala]

No one quite knew how the stain came to be on the carpet. Riker was quick to blame Spot, but Data had his suspicions that Riker's legendary bacchanalia and orgy might be the cause.

Barclay: I never knew you could put a Tribble that far up your...Oh, God, I think I'm developing a new neurosis.
Crusher: You and me both, Reg. You and me, both.

Troi: Take that Shakira! Not only don't these hips lie, they can also sustain a phaser blast!

Riker: So, do you want to explain why this "Letter to Penthouse" sounds so familiar and is signed I.M. Zadi?

The TNG cast's opinons of Star Trek (2009) varied after their special screening. However, all agreed on one thing: Too much lens flare.

 

[Isis]

LeadHead, TFTW.

Riker: "How many times have I told you? No Eastwooding on duty."

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win LeadHead, and for always keeping these contests running!

Data: Query: What does it mean to "Bang her like a two cent ho?"

Crusher: We have a unique medical situation in which we need a skilled transporter operator.
Barclay: I told him Counselor Troi wasn't in a good mood. And was wearing heels.

Troi: Hah, I'm used to harders taps from any generic lover of the week!

Riker: Klingon Love Poetry? Something you want to tell me?
Troi: We do not discuss it with outsiders.

Frakes: Who let Abrams and his lens flares onto the set?!

 

[Isis]

The crew had looks of anticipatory gravitas on their faces until they realized they were caught in the headlights of a garbage scow whose operator forgot to turn off the brights.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Worf: "Uh-oh. Looks like Commander Riker got wind of Data's comments about him 'coming up short.'"
LaForge (chortles): "Yeah, but he thinks Data was referring to his command abilities!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: I do hope that is a phaser in your pocket.

CRUSHER: Riker's backfat is impenetrable to all scans, Reg!!!!

REG: Sorry Doctor, that's the most advance scanner we have.

Crusher was a cruel taskmaster when it came to dance.

CRUSHER: Get that hip out!!!!!!

RIKER: Damn it, those TrekBBS clowns are calling me fat again! Now its some jerk called "Sensing Girl"!

PICARD: Idiot Klingon has his brights on!!!!!

 

[Holdfast]

DATA: Sock-stuffing again, Commander?

RIKER: But you can't say no! This is TNG; we always get to have a happy ending.

RIKER: Fifty Shades of Grey? Wasn't one episode of them enough?

Future's so bright, you gotta wear shades....

(if only Geordi had been in this pic, I could even have worked in the "I'm a peeping-tom techie with x-ray eyes" line from the song as well! )

 

[T'Girl]

Riker: " ... and the Captain feels that posting nudes of yourself in spacebook is inappropriate."

Troi: "She looks nothing like me, those moles are on the wrong side."

Riker: "Deanna, you took the picture using your bathroom mirror."

 

[Isis]

Barclay: "Glad you brought the TV today--this new quarterback is really surprising me."

Crusher (sotto voce): "Point taken, Barclay. Just keep your voice down."

 

[Ln X]

Data: Your flies are undone sir.
Riker: What?
Data: No one wanted to point it out to you, which is why LaForge and Worf are sniggering away.

Like many of the great doctors before her, Beverly still couldn't find that holy grail of medicine; clinical immortality.

Berman: As part of your contract we want you to be size zero! Liposuction didn't work so we'll try burning off that gello with the most advanced laser of the 90's.

Troi: Will I have a confession to make... I eavesdropped on your mind when you were thinking about very... erm... pleasurable things.
Riker: Did you jack off to my thoughts?
Troi: Erm... Yes.

First season in a nutshell; whitewash.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Thanks for the belly laugh.

Riker: I can't hold it in any longer.. Mr. Data... I LOVE YOU!

Crusher: According to the medical directory your condition is "Being a Fool" and the suggested treatment is to "Pity You".

Barclay:*SIGH* I have done other things you know.

Sirtis: Denise, NO!! I know you regret leaving but killing off the other female castmembers in an attempt to get back on the show is doomed to fail!

Frakes: It's called "Thunderbirds", based on some old British show I've never heard of. Can't turn out worse than that last Trek film I did...

Bond Fans: OUT OF THE WAY FRAKES!!!! WE WANT A PICTURE OF GENERAL GOGOL!!!!!!

 

[dahj]

Barclay: See, there's something wrong with this game. The princess is always in another castle!

Okudas: Troi usually fires phasers from her nipples, not hips. We'll fix it in the re-master.

 

[Xaios]

Having been handed a rare loss in last night's poker game, Riker had to make good on his promise to Geordie and Worf to consult Data on just how "fully functional" he was when dealing with males.
_________________________

Barklay: How on earth did you ever come up with this diagnosis?!
Crusher: It was quite simple, really. I just asked this "What If Machine" that Dr. Farnsworth sent me while we were dating.
_________________________

Troi: For the last time, vaporizing my clothing does NOT count as a "wardrobe malfunction," you nerds.
_________________________

Riker: Deanna, would you PLEASE stop blogging about our sex life? I'm tired of Wesley smirking at me and making "bow-chicka-wow-wow" noises.
_________________________

Picard: My God, it's beautiful! It's the shortest-living supernova I've ever seen, but it burns so brightly! What's it called?
Data: Firefly, sir.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Riker: Thanks for the offer to join the band Brian, but frankly I don't think a trombone will replace Freddy Mercury very well.

 

[Isis]

Riker: "Aha! I found intimate photos of you and Worf."

Troi: "What's wrong with that? Did any of the pictures catch me on my bad side?"

 

[Bob Karo]

Barklay: How on earth did you ever come up with this diagnosis?!
Crusher: It was quite simple, really. I just asked this "What If Machine" that Dr. Farnsworth sent me while we were dating.
_________________________

Crusher: Incidentally, seeing as you stuck your finger in that clock... We should talk.

 

[Xaios]

Crusher: Incidentally, seeing as you stuck your finger in that clock... We should talk.

Barklay: That's a clock? What kind of clock says "not soon enough?"