Need advice on introducing myself to a girl through facebook.

[Trekker4747]

Same here, the various ones I have asked at our over the last few years have all pretty much turned me down, mostly to my ability to pick out women who're already in relationships. I did manage to ask one out a couple years ago, more of an open-ended "would you like to go out?" thing without any specifics, got a "yes" and I blew my wad of confidence in getting the digits and never asked her out again mostly due to still getting cold or hard-to-read reaction from her in the days afterwards when we'd chat or see one another, she got a job at another location within a couple of months of me "asking her out" and I never saw her again.

 

[Kemaiku]

I seem to have a real talent for ending up with the abusive and/or mentally unstable type, hasn't stopped me from trying again.

 

[Mr Awe]

But it doesn't require talent to ask someone out. Beating your inner self to do it is the problem here.

I've explained this multiple times to Trekker, doesn't seem to sink in. Also, explained how it gets easier with practice too, but he never starts practicing!

Mr Awe

But It can be trying on the self esteem. I went through a 23 year period of asking girls out and hearing, depending on the girl:

No
Hell no
fuck no
get lost
Do you really think I'd go out with a retarded crippled freak like you?

With a track record like that, it's no surprise that I was ready to give up.

I do agree with you though, Trekker should at least make an effort.

Just 2 bits of advice:

1) Get a hobby or something where you're out interacting with people. Keep finding things to do. Don't get stuck in a rut. Through one event or another, you'll bump into someone with similar interests and a connection will start naturally. Also, as you become more comfortable interacting with people in general, you become a more attractive person.

2) Learn about body language. If you can read people right, you'll know the answer before you even ask. Or, at least have a very good guess at the answer. There are definite signs of attraction. In fact, the first signs of attraction won't be through what she says but how she acts, the subconcsious signs, etc. It's much easier to ask someone out if you already know they are attracted.

Mr Awe

 

[JarodRussell]

But It can be trying on the self esteem. I went through a 23 year period of asking girls out and hearing, depending on the girl:

No
Hell no
fuck no
get lost
Do you really think I'd go out with a retarded crippled freak like you?

With a track record like that, it's no surprise that I was ready to give up.

I do agree with you though, Trekker should at least make an effort.

LOL, wow, what the hell did you do? Are you actually crippled? Sadly, looks DO count for women. All that "It's just the personal qualities that matter" and "He just needs to make me laugh" talk is hypocritical nonsense, at least 9 out of 10 times.


*edit*
Crippled is offensive, right? I'm sorry. What's the better word?

 

[RandyS]

But It can be trying on the self esteem. I went through a 23 year period of asking girls out and hearing, depending on the girl:

No
Hell no
fuck no
get lost
Do you really think I'd go out with a retarded crippled freak like you?

With a track record like that, it's no surprise that I was ready to give up.

I do agree with you though, Trekker should at least make an effort.

LOL, wow, what the hell did you do? Are you actually crippled? Sadly, looks DO count for women. All that "It's just the personal qualities that matter" and "He just needs to make me laugh" talk is hypocritical nonsense, at least 9 out of 10 times.


*edit*
Crippled is offensive, right? I'm sorry. What's the better word?

I have cerebral palsy yes, and "crippled" is is no way an offensive word. It was perfectly acceptable when I was growing up, and it still is now. If there's one person you don't have to play the PC game with, it's me. In fact, THAT offends me.

As for what I did, it varied. Usually, I just talked to the girls, attempted to strike up a conversation with them, you, know, establish a rapport. Sometimes it would seem like I was making progress until I asked them out, and that was when they'd pull back.

It all worked on in the end though. For the past year and a half, I've been in a relationship with a great lady who was my friend during that same 23 year period. Heh. I often think how ironic it is that I spent those two decades looking for something, only to find out that it was right under my nose all along, and with the ONE girl I never would have thought to see that way. What REALLY fries me though, is that while she was still alive, my mom would constantly ask me why I was wasting time with other girls and not paying attention to my now-girlfriend.

It used to really irritate the hell out of me that mom knew me so well.......

 

[Kestra]

Aww, please don't tell me she had feelings for you that whole time as well! At least you're together now,

 

[RandyS]

Aww, please don't tell me she had feelings for you that whole time as well! At least you're together now,

She denies it on a stack of bibles.

 

[Shatnertage]

Going back to what Trekker was saying, I always found that a crushing lack of self-esteem helped me meet girls, back when I was interested in meeting girls.

When I went out to a club or a bar, I'd say to myself, look, you're going to make a complete idiot out of yourself. Everyone's going to laugh at you.

Since that was settled, I figured I might as well have a good time making an idiot out of myself. And I did. And it turned out that everyone didn't laugh at me. I actually had a really good time.

In other words, I had to get over myself. I figured if I was going to crash and burn doing something as low-stakes as trying to hook up, I might as well have a good time doing it.

Being worried that you're going to say/do the wrong thing is just as vain and self-absorbed as standing in front of the mirror exquisitely coiffing your hair (or whatever else you like coiffing).

There's something to be said for not over-thinking things.

 

[RoJoHen]

Going back to what Trekker was saying, I always found that a crushing lack of self-esteem helped me meet girls, back when I was interested in meeting girls.

When I went out to a club or a bar, I'd say to myself, look, you're going to make a complete idiot out of yourself. Everyone's going to laugh at you.

Since that was settled, I figured I might as well have a good time making an idiot out of myself. And I did. And it turned out that everyone didn't laugh at me. I actually had a really good time.

In other words, I had to get over myself. I figured if I was going to crash and burn doing something as low-stakes as trying to hook up, I might as well have a good time doing it.

Being worried that you're going to say/do the wrong thing is just as vain and self-absorbed as standing in front of the mirror exquisitely coiffing your hair (or whatever else you like coiffing).

There's something to be said for not over-thinking things.

I'd actually say this is the complete opposite of no self-esteem. Everybody makes a fool out of themselves at some point or another. Self-esteem is what lets you survive that without embarrassment. Go out, have fun, let yourself be foolish and awkward...the truth is, you're going to notice it a helluva lot more than the general public.

You really have to put yourself in other people's shoes. If you see somebody being retarded out in public, how much does it really bother you? Do you dislike that person? Probably not. It's the same with everybody else. You might make a fool out of yourself, and people may notice, but they are going to get over it very quickly. And if you own up to it and acknowledge that you're an idiot, you might even make some new friends.

 

[{ Emilia }]

Apparently this kind of post always ends up being about "How to approach a girl in a bar".

This has always puzzled me a bit. Being a girl myself polite or even shy guys approaching me just trying to talk to me has never bothered me at all. It's the tough, big-ego idiots who are really annoying with their lame pickup lines.

So some of you have mentioned that you need to find the courage to do that and I don't see a reason for this. Just imagine it the other way around. Would you mind if some girl approached you, just being polite, nice and honest?
Probably not, so why the fear of doing it yourself?

You're not making a fool out of yourself.

 

[Shatnertage]

^ But for every decent, shy guy who's approached you, there might have been a dozen who couldn't even make eye contact with you for fear of...something.

As I alluded to above, it's not something I've had a problem with (and even if I did, it's a moot point now), but apparently it's a big issue for a lot of guys.

 

[{ Emilia }]

^ But for every decent, shy guy who's approached you, there might have been a dozen who couldn't even make eye contact with you for fear of...something.

Well, but fear of what?

I mean, hey... I'm a human being. Guys can just talk to me like they do to other human beings. They don't need to be smarter, funnier or more awesome than they are when talking to their friends.
It's such a silly fear!

 

[Kestra]

Fears don't have to make sense, or even respond to common sense. If we could rationalize our fears away then we'd hardly have any.

 

[Shatnertage]

I don't know what they're afraid of. Success maybe? Or maybe they've just told themselves that they can't do it so many times that they start to believe it.

 

[{ Emilia }]

Fears don't have to make sense, or even respond to common sense. If we could rationalize our fears away then we'd hardly have any.

But realizing that the fear is irrational and doesn't have a basis in reality can make you overcome it. That's my point.

Meh, I'm writing stuff for the guys who don't dare to talk to a girl and who replies?

Kestra and Shatnertage.

You are not my target audience!!!

 

[Kestra]

I guess I'm replying because I have an understanding if what it's like to have irrationally low self-esteem. And for all my good sense, I've never really conquered it. It's really irrational, to the point where I may be driving and wondering if the people in the other cars think I'm an idiot. I understand how it can be crippling, and I think trying to work it out rationally can help, but sometimes only takes you so far.

 

[Goji]

My self esteem was never irrational, it was the direct result of an ugly environment in middle and high school that was very slow to wear off. I learned at a young age that people were jerks and approaching someone with kindness was no guarantee you'd get any back. I completely understand anyone who has difficulty approaching people they don't know, and were it not for the slim chance of meeting an actually decent human being that way, I'd recommend not to bother.

But then, that's me. And I'm bitter.

 

[Trekker4747]

My self esteem was never irrational, it was the direct result of an ugly environment in middle and high school that was very slow to wear off. I learned at a young age that people were jerks and approaching someone with kindness was no guarantee you'd get any back. I completely understand anyone who has difficulty approaching people they don't know, and were it not for the slim chance of meeting an actually decent human being that way, I'd recommend not to bother.

But then, that's me. And I'm bitter.

Word, doubled, seconded, and ditto'd.

 

[{ Emilia }]

See, now my target audience shows up and ignores my post further up.

I miss Kestra already.

 

[Trekker4747]

Fear may be irrational but it is still there and it's difficult to overcome so easily.