Ok I'll be the smartass who points out that fat can be burned with absolutely no exercise.
Arrgh!
Need advice on introducing myself to a girl through facebook.
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Arrgh!
Well I suppose so in some cases, but its really hard, especially if people aren't able to convey their intentions clearly.
Men usually give up finding love on the internet when they find porn.
I don't know if I believe that. I mean, they each fulfill a different part of someone's needs and I would think that both people want both.
Actually, I read a study about this (sorry, no handy reference) that suggests this is happening and growing. There is a growing proportion of single people for this reason (men and women).
The only part of Captain M's statement that I'm not sure about is the "usually" part. I doubt it happens in the majority of cases but is happening more frequently than before.
Mr Awe
You guys are making it sound like I think about her every waking moment
Yes, I have built her up in my mind a tad, but that doesn't mean I'm constantly thinking about her. In fact after I posted the first thread about her I had forgotten about it, until I ran across her facebook page through a mutual friend. But yeah, just from reading my posts I can see how someone would come to the conclusion that I'm always thinking about this girl.
I wouldn't say what you've done is inherently creepy, it just wasn't that smooth. Remember some of the advice in this thread and apply it to future occassions. For example, if you had included a message that explained about your mutual friend, voila, nothing so bad! It's small things like that that make a difference between a clunky approach and a smooth approach.
Also, up thread, you stated that you didn't know how to approach women. I think it's great that you know and embrace this truth. Now, try to work on it a bit. First, just get used to talking to women. Don't try hitting on them for a bit. Then, find a place to watch how men hit on women, watch the body language. Most importantly, learn the body language of attraction. It's much, much easier to ask a women out if you can tell by her body language that she is attracted to you. My experience is that the first signs of attraction are not through words, but through body language. Know that language and it'll be easier for you!
Mr Awe
It frustrates me to no end that I see a girl at work everyday that I really, like, have talked to her -slightly- a few times but I can't work up the gumption to simply ask her out. It's tough being a shy guy with serious social anxiety there's just no other way to describe what it is like. The simple action of talking to someone you hardly know or even someone you do know is an incredible amount of pressure.
Ask her to go out for a cup of coffee or go to lunch or something. Doesn't even have to have any dating label attached to it. Worst case, she will just say no.
I find this an interesting problem for someone who has worked in customer service. I used to be super shy, but I've had to talk to so many people through my various jobs that I have no problem engaging other people now.
It helps if you treat women like regular people, instead of princesses, sluts, or the potential love of your life. You don't have to introduce yourself by proposing marriage, just say hi, shoot the shit, see if they want to hang out or grab a drink.
If you don't play it up into a big "wanna go to the prom and/or have my babies?" sort of situation, it's not a problem. When you obsess over it for too long, you seem to idealize these women and make it harder to approach them (plus get nervous and screw it up). If you don't build it up into a big thing, it's not as much of a let down if they say no, either. Shrug and move on. The way half the people here describe doing it, having a girl they've been borderline stalking say no is the equivalent of being asked for a divorce...
Try treating them like people?
Self-confidence is the other half of it. If you don't even like yourself (and body language says that for you, even if you don't), why are OTHER people supposed to like you? Not saying you gotta be cocky or aggressive or anything, but stammering while staring at her shoes and not saying much isn't going to get you very far.
If you don't play it up into a big "wanna go to the prom and/or have my babies?" sort of situation, it's not a problem. When you obsess over it for too long, you seem to idealize these women and make it harder to approach them (plus get nervous and screw it up). If you don't build it up into a big thing, it's not as much of a let down if they say no, either. Shrug and move on. The way half the people here describe doing it, having a girl they've been borderline stalking say no is the equivalent of being asked for a divorce...
Try treating them like people?
Self-confidence is the other half of it. If you don't even like yourself (and body language says that for you, even if you don't), why are OTHER people supposed to like you? Not saying you gotta be cocky or aggressive or anything, but stammering while staring at her shoes and not saying much isn't going to get you very far.
Is it just with people you find attractive, or a more general social anxiety?
I've found my new pickup line!
My job requires me to talk to customers and to help them, not be best friends with them or have any kind of relationship with them beyond retailer/customer. There's no expectations or worries in helping customers they're just animals in a maze wanting to strike that feeder-pellet and I'm there to help them.
With other people, however, people I want to interact with, be friends with, or potentially date that's a whole other story there's my expectations I have to meet, her expectations and there's the possibility of rejection which can be damaging to ones ego and self-esteem.
It's both but it's worse with women whom I find attractive/want to date unless there's already something there. My best friend right now is a guy I met by going up to him and tried helping him out one afternoon when he had trouble with his lawn-mower one day after school. I took that risk and we ended up being best friends. At work, most of my friends are people whom I've just built a relationship up with naturally as people I'm near all day and this includes a few women, none of whom, however, I've any interest in due to a variety of reason not the least of which being their marital/relationship statuses.
But the girl I am interested in there's weight there and pressure. I'm friendly with her, chat with her sometimes but the vagaries of our jobs makes constant, consistent interaction difficult. Asking her out brings with a chance for rejection and also opens up a can of worms. It's a lot different than simply becoming friends with someone by working close to them for 40-odd hours a week.
That's why I'm always baffled by guys who can just go up to a strange woman, out of the blue, and ask her out! How do you just go up to a complete stranger and come out of it with a date? Blows my mind.
Why, you and everyone else are just animals in a maze wanting to strike that feeder-pellet.
What exactly are you going to lose if you get rejected? You already have the "No, thanks.", since you never asked. You can only win.
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That's like painting a masterpiece and turning to me and my stick-figures and saying, "It really is that easy!"
It doesn't come so easily to some people.
But it doesn't require talent to ask someone out. Beating your inner self to do it is the problem here.
But it will come easier with practice.
That, too. Like I said some posts above, you need to train your social muscle. And of course it will get sore, no doubt about that. But it gets better and better with each exercise.
Also, it's easier to deal with the rejection if she's just some cute girl you saw. If you wait a month and build her up until (in your head) she's perfect for you, you know everything about her, you're picturing children, then getting rejected is definitely going to hurt.
SHE is just rejecting someone she's not into. YOU are getting dumped.
If you weren't so invested in it ahead of time, no biggie, ask out some other cute girl you run into.
SHE is just rejecting someone she's not into. YOU are getting dumped.
If you weren't so invested in it ahead of time, no biggie, ask out some other cute girl you run into.
I've explained this multiple times to Trekker, doesn't seem to sink in. Also, explained how it gets easier with practice too, but he never starts practicing!
Mr Awe
Agree with this. But, there's a whole other aspect going on too. People who are getting so interally worked up over this, so much anxiety, are going to naturally start sending out weird vibes, which will be a huge turn off that prevents anything from developing.
These people often need practice just interacting with people, then with women platonically, then with asking women out. Kind of a progressive desensitization program so they don't get themselves into an anxiety fit.
Trekker, just complaining about anxiety but not doing anything about it isn't going to get you anywhere!
Mr Awe
But It can be trying on the self esteem. I went through a 23 year period of asking girls out and hearing, depending on the girl:
No
Hell no
fuck no
get lost
Do you really think I'd go out with a retarded crippled freak like you?
With a track record like that, it's no surprise that I was ready to give up.
I do agree with you though, Trekker should at least make an effort.
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