^^^^ What Danoz said. I agree 100%. Build on your strengths. You have them.
I Hate Myself
- Thread starter Admiral Shran
- Start date
I might start using "It's a pleasure to meet me" to introduce myself to people.
So it's not enough for me to be great looking, have dreamy eyes, astounding genius, incomparable wit, substantial wealth, an abnormally large phallus and rockstar friends? I have to force myself to be arrogant and cocky too? I don't know if I can do that.Girls dig a bit of arrogant cockiness. I've tried it. It works.
While I have no intention of defending Cheapjack's dubious advice, I think that your view that you'd be using a woman isn't quite accurate. One of the best-kept secrets about sex is that women enjoy it too, not every woman uses sex as husband-bait. If you meet a woman in a bar or nightclub, she's probably not there expecting a meaningful long-term relationship to present itself in front of her.
If you were to try and hook up with someone that's not "traditionally" attractive, it's not like as if you'd be using her as a tissue, she would (ideally) get something out of it too. So long as you don't lie and pretend that you're looking for something serious, or tell her that you love her, you wouldn't be doing anything wrong. Women aren't stupid (at least, not in a greater proportion to men), they know what a quick fling is and many women enjoy them.
Internet forums such as this one. It happened to me before, and it happened to some other people I knew on a site I used to be a member of. You can fall in love with someone without knowing what they look like, and once you find out you will consider them to be the most beautiful thing you ever laid eyes upon.
Hmm, I think my macho rating just took a hit. I'll have to go back to the Duke Nukem thread in the gaming forum before my testosterone levels fall too low.
I just thought I'd throw my experiences out there. Back in high school I was extremely shy and anti-social. Never had a date, didn't seem to garner much interest even amongst the AP/honors crowd that I had so many classes with. (Looking back on things, I might have have an opportunity or two I let slip. Oh well.) The way you describe yourself sounds like me back then. I didn't like myself much despite my academic successes. I too the thing I needed most in the world was a girl to like me.
I went off to college, determined to change myself. Even though my college was only about 90 miles from home, there were only 2 of my classmates who went there, and we never hung out in the same circles. Of course the down side is that my college was all male for my first two years. No, I didn't score any dates, but I worked on making myself into the person I wanted to be. I made friends, I was social, I joined clubs. After a while I was feeling more confident in myself. If there had been girls there, I probably would have been up to asking one out.
When I started college, the Internet was there but it was a time before most people at home had Internet access. Being a computer person, I took to it. I eventually discovered places online where you could talk to people from all over the world. I talked to a few girls and after a few months we decided to meet. I was nervous as could be! I focused on overcoming that paralyzing fear of talking and not knowing the right thing to say. As it ended up (we hadn't exchanged photos before meeting) I didn't find her particularly attractive but we had a nice weekend together and I met her a couple times after that too. It ended up being more of a nice friendship and I think it definitely made things easier on me for the next girl I would meet, who I ended up marrying!
For me, the Internet was sort of a comfort zone, where I could type whatever I wanted with confidence. Even if I lacked the courage to say it aloud I could convey my feelings to someone, and that really helped. I know you said you still have trouble communicating online. Maybe in this day and age you have a million pictures available at a glance and you might even communicate by video, which I'll admit can make one nervous. But, if you ever find yourself face-to-face and can't say the things you could say online, just explain that you do have those feelings but have trouble saying them out loud. In my experience, many girls like to be the one to break someone out of their shell. Heck, in high school, there was a girl who was unavailable (dating someone else) but she would always needle me to be more social.
It may take time, but I would just start by visualizing a more confident you. Visualize you hanging out with a bunch of friends, if not being the center of attention, than as an active participant in discussions and activities. Now imagine some of those friends are female. They like socializing with you. They have the same hobbies and interests as you. Imagine yourself treating them the same way as your male friends. Once you're in that place, I think you'll find that finding the right person will be a lot easier.
I went off to college, determined to change myself. Even though my college was only about 90 miles from home, there were only 2 of my classmates who went there, and we never hung out in the same circles. Of course the down side is that my college was all male for my first two years. No, I didn't score any dates, but I worked on making myself into the person I wanted to be. I made friends, I was social, I joined clubs. After a while I was feeling more confident in myself. If there had been girls there, I probably would have been up to asking one out.
When I started college, the Internet was there but it was a time before most people at home had Internet access. Being a computer person, I took to it. I eventually discovered places online where you could talk to people from all over the world. I talked to a few girls and after a few months we decided to meet. I was nervous as could be! I focused on overcoming that paralyzing fear of talking and not knowing the right thing to say. As it ended up (we hadn't exchanged photos before meeting) I didn't find her particularly attractive but we had a nice weekend together and I met her a couple times after that too. It ended up being more of a nice friendship and I think it definitely made things easier on me for the next girl I would meet, who I ended up marrying!
For me, the Internet was sort of a comfort zone, where I could type whatever I wanted with confidence. Even if I lacked the courage to say it aloud I could convey my feelings to someone, and that really helped. I know you said you still have trouble communicating online. Maybe in this day and age you have a million pictures available at a glance and you might even communicate by video, which I'll admit can make one nervous. But, if you ever find yourself face-to-face and can't say the things you could say online, just explain that you do have those feelings but have trouble saying them out loud. In my experience, many girls like to be the one to break someone out of their shell. Heck, in high school, there was a girl who was unavailable (dating someone else) but she would always needle me to be more social.
It may take time, but I would just start by visualizing a more confident you. Visualize you hanging out with a bunch of friends, if not being the center of attention, than as an active participant in discussions and activities. Now imagine some of those friends are female. They like socializing with you. They have the same hobbies and interests as you. Imagine yourself treating them the same way as your male friends. Once you're in that place, I think you'll find that finding the right person will be a lot easier.
Well, that depends on their reason for that. It is not absolutely necessary for one to be in a relationship. There are people who lead full and happy lives without being in a relationship ever.My personal favorite: "I met that nice girl that went to elementary school with you, what a nice baby boy she has!"(giving significant look) "wouldn't you like to share your life with someone?" - my grandma
From my perspective you're lucky to have people saying that kind of stuff to you. I'd love it if someone said something like to me, just once. Like I said, my family seems to think that me being in a relationship is absolutely unimportant.
I don't know your family obviously, but it is not necessarily bad if your family doesn't act like they think you need to find a woman.
ShatnerTage, the GodBen,
I suggest you try looking up 'Sex tips for boys' reviews on the internet, before you call it dubious. it was written for teenagers, but the bit about assessing your league is good, though I think Americans have no limits on the league they can go for, which is more in line with my thinking.
As to 'strange areas', Shatner, I have no difficulty in talking to women, any of them, and Admiral has, and as I said a ST convention is a good place to go.
What I meant by starting off with someone within your league, is that you can both use each other, and both go upwards and both date other people, if that's what you want. Wouldn't bother me, though I might be a little bit hurt if she did it first and left me high and dry. But if you are both ambitious, you can have something really, really, good and satiate your ambition and passion for each other, get it over with and ascend to the next level, simultaneously, or not, and without regret, as you have done everything together?
My impression is, also, that most people don't really think that sex 'means anything', as that Klingon woman said to Worf. Or, at least a lot of them don't. It's just very good for you and your ego and it's not good being dropped and people find ways to shield themselves from it, cos it hurts and men have more say in this than women, as they rule the roost, sexually. If you think it means anything, you may stumble on the last fence. And, a lot of men and women, too, aren't 'programmed to satisfy' and only really care about what they get out of a relationship, from what I read here. I was born during the 'summer of love', too, surprisingly!
Just repeat to yourself, ten times 'It's just a F***, it doesn't mean anything.'
Then you'll be able to turn around and say 'You can't miss what you've never had'!!
People!
Hopefully, you won't.
My guess is you've got in a rut, which can happen, and stamping on the accelerator sometimes makes it worse. If you can talk here, you can talk anywhere, not just a convention.
Actually, after rereading this thread, and the others it responds to, I may have lashed out a bit. But, sex tips for boys is a good book. For a slightly different, UK, culture, it tells you you can usually go up only two leagues, which I don't agree with. It tells you other stuff, too.
I suggest you try looking up 'Sex tips for boys' reviews on the internet, before you call it dubious. it was written for teenagers, but the bit about assessing your league is good, though I think Americans have no limits on the league they can go for, which is more in line with my thinking.
As to 'strange areas', Shatner, I have no difficulty in talking to women, any of them, and Admiral has, and as I said a ST convention is a good place to go.
What I meant by starting off with someone within your league, is that you can both use each other, and both go upwards and both date other people, if that's what you want. Wouldn't bother me, though I might be a little bit hurt if she did it first and left me high and dry. But if you are both ambitious, you can have something really, really, good and satiate your ambition and passion for each other, get it over with and ascend to the next level, simultaneously, or not, and without regret, as you have done everything together?
My impression is, also, that most people don't really think that sex 'means anything', as that Klingon woman said to Worf. Or, at least a lot of them don't. It's just very good for you and your ego and it's not good being dropped and people find ways to shield themselves from it, cos it hurts and men have more say in this than women, as they rule the roost, sexually. If you think it means anything, you may stumble on the last fence. And, a lot of men and women, too, aren't 'programmed to satisfy' and only really care about what they get out of a relationship, from what I read here. I was born during the 'summer of love', too, surprisingly!
Just repeat to yourself, ten times 'It's just a F***, it doesn't mean anything.'
Then you'll be able to turn around and say 'You can't miss what you've never had'!!
People!
Hopefully, you won't.
My guess is you've got in a rut, which can happen, and stamping on the accelerator sometimes makes it worse. If you can talk here, you can talk anywhere, not just a convention.
Actually, after rereading this thread, and the others it responds to, I may have lashed out a bit. But, sex tips for boys is a good book. For a slightly different, UK, culture, it tells you you can usually go up only two leagues, which I don't agree with. It tells you other stuff, too.
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Maybe there should be a theme anthology.Sorry about the double post, but that is a classic.
Reminds me of another example of the genre.
Hello, it's a pleasure to meet me. I hope you never find a live turtle in your soup."
We have discussed it and she's always trying different approaches. If she just stuck with the same failed strategies, I would have stopped seeing her a long time ago.
The main reasons I have stuck with her for so long are....
1.) I honestly feel that she "gets it," as in understanding how deep the pain goes.
2.) She actually cares. She's the fifth doctor I've seen about these issues. All the others (who were all men - I don't know if that makes a difference or not
) treated my problems almost with contempt - like I could just wish them away.UPDATE ON MY LIFE - Today I actually held a conversation with an attractive woman at work. Now, this woman is certainly no supermodel, but I've seen her around and about and she's definitely what I consider attractive. I asked her how she was doing today. She said she was doing great since she just finished a vacation. We talked for a few minutes about her vacation and how I'm planning to go on vacation in Tennessee this upcoming weekend. I think that was a major breakthrough for me. So, today I'm happy.
YAY YOU!!!!
There's loads of stuff on the internet, you know. And people you can talk to in coffee shops. These psychiatrists may have seen you coming a mile off. Can't you pay by results? Or even have milestones? Can't they get a woman in, for you to talk to? Or, even a female psychiatrist? Just sitting and talking and gaze holding and exchanging conversation must do some good. Or even role playing, you sit there and pretend you are in a bar, I'll just walk in. what would you say?
You've got somewhere with your conversation today, cement it, perhaps, with an invitation to meet up again.
And, there is a list of things on the internet that women do, when they are interested in you, fiddling with their hair, turning towards you, holding gaze and so on.
You've got somewhere with your conversation today, cement it, perhaps, with an invitation to meet up again.
And, there is a list of things on the internet that women do, when they are interested in you, fiddling with their hair, turning towards you, holding gaze and so on.
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<snip>
UPDATE ON MY LIFE - Today I actually held a conversation with an attractive woman at work. Now, this woman is certainly no supermodel, but I've seen her around and about and she's definitely what I consider attractive. I asked her how she was doing today. She said she was doing great since she just finished a vacation. We talked for a few minutes about her vacation and how I'm planning to go on vacation in Tennessee this upcoming weekend. I think that was a major breakthrough for me. So, today I'm happy.
Awesome!
UPDATE ON MY LIFE - Today I actually held a conversation with an attractive woman at work. Now, this woman is certainly no supermodel, but I've seen her around and about and she's definitely what I consider attractive. I asked her how she was doing today. She said she was doing great since she just finished a vacation. We talked for a few minutes about her vacation and how I'm planning to go on vacation in Tennessee this upcoming weekend. I think that was a major breakthrough for me. So, today I'm happy.
Great news! You're totally on the right track. Have fun down in Tennessee.
Excellent advice. Pay attention, Shran!I would have a few concerns here, and forgive me as I'm going to be a little bold in how I offer advice.
1. Your self-hate. I think you're suffering from a kind of depression, and your lack of relationship or intimate contact is an easy scapegoat. This way, you can wallow in the world of, "if only I had this, I would be happy." The truth is that in your current emotional state you would probably be too needy to maturely handle a relationship, even if you found a young woman who wanted nothing more than to be with you.
2. Friends and Family. It's clear you have a support network, but you seem cynical about whether they are looking out for your best interests. Just to play Devil's advocate, it's very difficult (if not impossible) to give advice to somebody who feels hopeless or thinks I'm not looking out for them.
3. The positive. You need to take a few steps back, and focus intently on the things you like about yourself. What about your hobbies? Your work? What special skills or talents do you have? When you do finally force yourself out of bed, what small moments do you have that make you feel good about yourself? Try to tear yourself away from the fear and self-loathing and trying basking in your own greatness for awhile.
4. What then? Lindley gave some especially good advice about building friendships. When you find a girl you like, never, ever crush on her from a distance for an extended period of time. You'll lather yourself into insanity not talking to her. Remember, you don't need to have some concrete divider between plutonic friends and friends with potential. I have several female friends I stay in touch with that I could see blossoming into something more-- but that's not the only reason I stay friends. Part of the fun of friendships with the opposite sex is the casual flirtation and sexual tension. Granted-- you need to take a lot of steps before you get to this point! You need to break out of your shell. Don't be afraid that engaging with multiple conversations with young woman is "using them."
Anyway, good luck. REMEMBER, Find. Something. You. Like. About. Yourself. And pursue it to no end. First connections are almost always buit on like interests. Join clubs. Force yourself into social situations outside of your employment. Take care of your body and health so that you feel physically good.
And, let's be real, you're an avid Star Trek fan-- so you're already pretty damn cool in my book.
Sources: The school of hard knocks.
UPDATE ON MY LIFE - Today I actually held a conversation with an attractive woman at work. Now, this woman is certainly no supermodel, but I've seen her around and about and she's definitely what I consider attractive. I asked her how she was doing today. She said she was doing great since she just finished a vacation. We talked for a few minutes about her vacation and how I'm planning to go on vacation in Tennessee this upcoming weekend. I think that was a major breakthrough for me. So, today I'm happy.
Nice job, my son.
Seriously nice job, though.Ablative_Oberth
Lieutenant Commander
Hey Original Poster! You consider a different head-shrinker? I had some issues stemming from PTSD that just weren't getting any better... After four years I switched shrinks on the advice of a friend.
While I am not 100% over it... I am 100% better than I was before.
Just something to consider.
Keep plugging away... as has been said, stuff happens you might end up with The One very suddenly. A friend of mine... met the love of his life in the supermarket at 2 o'clock in the morning.
And whatever you do, suicide is NOT an option: That means THEY win and you don't want THEM to win at all ever.
While I am not 100% over it... I am 100% better than I was before.
Just something to consider.
Keep plugging away... as has been said, stuff happens you might end up with The One very suddenly. A friend of mine... met the love of his life in the supermarket at 2 o'clock in the morning.
And whatever you do, suicide is NOT an option: That means THEY win and you don't want THEM to win at all ever.
A friend of mine... met the love of his life in the supermarket at 2 o'clock in the morning.
Plecostomus?
UPDATE ON MY LIFE - Today I actually held a conversation with an attractive woman at work. Now, this woman is certainly no supermodel, but I've seen her around and about and she's definitely what I consider attractive. I asked her how she was doing today. She said she was doing great since she just finished a vacation. We talked for a few minutes about her vacation and how I'm planning to go on vacation in Tennessee this upcoming weekend. I think that was a major breakthrough for me. So, today I'm happy.
Keep up the good work!
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