TOS Caption Contest #157: No Time To Say Hello, Goodbye ...

[Shatmandu]

Hiya, folks.

Finally getting back into a groove from the holiday. Lots of family, and the aggravating ones couldn't make it.

Your captions that made me spill my stockings were:

Kirk: "Excellent! The plot device has arrived."

Kirk: 'Helen, you know I can't go when somebody's watching...'

When Kirk started smelling every set of wind chimes he could get his hands on, McCoy knew it was time to take him off active duty.

Kirk: "It's Aramis alright! We're on the right trail; Sulu definitely came this way!"

Noel: That will be $12.98. Please pull your Rascal Scooter up to the next window to collect your order.

Dr Conetits: Make suggestions about me shaving again then, Fuckhead, I dare you!!!

KIRK: No one will notice if I open just one.

Very nicely done, all.

This week's shots are a mixed bag:

And the oddball is:

I think we'll probably need a "dick in the door" joke running tally.

Joe, tally-runner

 

[Shatmandu]

Khan: "It would also ... help my recovery ... if I could be given a bladed weapon ... or perhaps a bazooka."
Kirk: "I'll have six of each sent right up, harmless stranger I know nothing about."

Kirk: "Could you guys shut up? I'm trying to figure out what these dots are ..."

Uhura: "It's the non-asshole-detectors, sir."

 

[Gertch]

Kirk: "I'm sorry but I have to move this between your superior chest and the cameras."

"Someone freeze the turbo lift QUICKLY."

 

[marylizz]

Khan: Could I get a different room? The unicorn in the room behind me keeps staring at me from that hole in the wall.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Khan: You have misspelled my name on the medical forms. It's K-H-A-N not K-A-H-N.

Sulu: Pavel, the stars are blinking in and out of order.
Chekov: I told you not to get those pills from Scotty.

Kirk: Whelp, looks like I'll have to change my Adult Friend Finder from uncut to cut.

 

[M'Sharak]

Kirk: All right, Khan - now, look at the monitor. This right here
(tapping monitor for emphasis) says the chest is phony --
totally unbelievable and plastic-looking!

Chekov: (defensively) Vhat?
Kirk: Mr. Sulu?
Sulu: Pavel's already nabbed Mister Spock's earpiece. It's kind of cute.
Chekov: But I am ecting Science Officer!
Sulu: Of course you are. (snickers)

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win, Joe!

Khan (taking a standard Ink Blot Test): "Ugh! Another disgusting sexual image! What is wrong with you people?"

Kirk: "You know, at least indirectly, this is all Helen Noel's fault!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

KHAN: Much better. Now fluff my pillows and get me a glass of water.

SULU: He still can't see the sailboat.

MCCOY: Get the spray bottle Spock. He's at it again.

 

[A beaker full of death]

Archer: This is... *

Sulu: Did you hear anything?
Chekov: Nyet. Not a ting.
Kirk: Them's my boys.

 

[scottydog]

 

[Nerys Myk]

.

UHURA: I'm picking up a transmission...

KIRK: Put it on audio.

ARCHER: Report Mr. Reed?

REED: Hull plating at 100 %. Best I can figure its some sort of welcoming pyrotechnic display.

 

[scottydog]

Kirk: "Magnification 3, Mr. Sulu."

Sulu: "Better make it magnification 100, sir."

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRKS: It's like we're looking in a mirror.

 

[scottydog]

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Khan: "When I awoke, there was a young man with a bad haircut, suckling from me as if I were his mother..."
Kirk: "Chekov..."

Kirk: "That's it, five years is enough of this. Everytime you two glance at each other, I get a face full of homoerotic subtext. Now cut it out, or go on separate shifts."

Uhura os: "Try looking at the back of an egotistical asshole for five years."

Kirk: "Janice, I'm sorry... I was wrong, you don't have fat calves... Janice? Listen, honey. We're in the middle of a situation here. I need to get to the transporter room...

... Spock take a note. Either transfer the neurotic bitch off this ship, or get another turbolift installed on the bridge...

Janice honey, can we talk about this?"

 

[Gertch]

"Ahhhh, a Star Trek movie collection. I hear those ending in 2 are the best, Captain."

 

[Hambone]

KIRK: It's called a "microwave oven". These were unheard of back in your time. It can cook a bean burrito almost instantly...only 8 or 9 minutes.

KHAN: Your technological advances are most impressive, Captain...but I am most disappointed in how little improvement there has been in burritos themselves.

KIRK: I don't know what the fuss is about. I think this "non-remastered" viewscreen works just fine.

Kirk re-thinks his earlier hesitance about installing a glory-hole on the bridge.

 

[Captain Crow]

Thanks for a win Shatmandu.

Kirk, knocking on door: Can you hurry up with your masturbating in there Spock! I gotta use the can!

Worst fan made episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 ever.

 

[Shatmandu]

Khan: "The Golden Girls Season Four DVD set back in the library yet?"
Kirk: "Negative."
Khan: "Bring me this overdue card holder of yours ... this Chekov ..."

Sulu: "Burger King sucks."
Chekov: "I vill not eat Chinese again."
Sulu: "That's not even funny. I'm Japanese."
Chekov: "I vas not ..."
Kirk: "ENOUGH! We're getting a pizza and that's FINAL!"

Being drunk and urinating into the turbolift can be dangerous.

 

[Rat Boy]

Khan: "The boy who changed out my bedpan claimed he shook my penis to make sure the end was dry."

Kirk: "Chekov."

The parking brake crack was bad enough, but when Kirk told him to speed up in the fast lane, Sulu was convinced the crew of the Enterprise hated Asian drivers.

Kirk (in a high pitched voice): "Uhura, listen to me very carefully. Do not let that turbolift go anywhere."