as long as you observe the no story idea rule, then I have no problem with it.
Woohoo! Thank you, Rosalind. Here goes, then. I'm somewhat embarassed, but I was having fun and I've already shared it elsewhere, so why not? Hopefully others will enjoy it.
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR "A SINGULAR DESTINY":
The Human’s spaceship, it was broken
And couldn’t fly, or so it’s spoken
The aliens all gathered round
The damaged spaceship, on the ground
And so applied their strength of mind
To the betterment of all mankind
The Human said, “oh, hello there
I’m hoping, if you really care,
Because I think it would be nice....”
“Ah! The Human wants advice”
The Vulcan said, and took control
“Before we can achieve your goal
May I inquire, if we have time
As to specifics of design?”
“I guess I want to paint it pink
Is that all right, what do you think?”
The Vulcan arrogantly sighed
Raised an eyebrow and replied
“That would be most illogical”
“Look, where do you get the gall?”
Andorian, all hot and blue
Cried out as he was wont to do
“You never give us any praise,
You’re condescending and always
Scorn us on your slightest whim”
“Well” said Vulcan, sounding prim
“In terms of brains, I top the list”
“You dare!” Andorian waved his fist
The Betazoid was quite distressed
And wished to see them at their best
Broke in to say, “no, no, don’t fight
I know how we can make it right
If we respect how each man feels
We’ll swiftly cure the social ills
Dividing Vulcan and his friend
And soon our woes will meet their end”
“Your talk of feelings worries me”
The Vulcan said, “and yet I see
The logic in your rhetoric
Co-operation, that’s the trick”
“I disagree!” said Tellarite
“Andorian there has it right
I think he’s onto the right scent
The best way forward’s argument!
If we all shout and yell and bluster
And viciously insult each other
What is there we can’t achieve?”
The Trill said then, “no I believe
That only working back-to-back
Will get this project back on track
The word we need is symbiosis
That’s my personal diagnosis”
“Yeah, we all knew you’d say that”
Said Bolian, “that word’s old hat”
The Human cleared his throat, “ahem,
This gets us nowhere, gentlemen
My engines here still lie in pieces
And my worry just increases”
“Your course of action is quite clear”
A voice called out from the crowd’s rear
“you have to make it self-aware”
“Borg! I didn’t see you there”
“Your ship should learn to fix itself
Restore its circuits back to health,
Regenerate! And function still,
Because it’s the collective will.
If we assimilate you all,
We could do that, it’s really cool!”
“But I don’t think we all agree,
Your plan courts much controversy”
Efrosian pulled on his moustache
And said “it’s not a total loss
If you had put that in a song...”
“But that would just be flat out wrong!”
Bajoran cried, “I cannot let
My colleagues and my friends abet
The openly unholy way
Why, what would the Prophets say?”
The Human looked as if he’d cry
All his plans had gone awry
“Don’t give up!” a voice boomed loud
And there stood Klingon, standing proud
“You weakling human, on your feet
This foe, like any other, beat
Into submission with your sword
This cowardice, you can’t afford
Hit the spaceship, much maligned
Until it works, and keep in mind
If that’s not what you want to do
I am twice as big as you”.
Human said, “well I’ll be damned
I guess we’ll follow Klingon’s plan”
“No!” Piped up the Romulan
“The stupid Klingon brute is wrong!”
Despite the Klingon’s warning growl
The Romulan went on: “and how
Do you suppose we’ll fix this blight
If nothing here is working right
Which will, I tell you be the case
If Klingon violence we embrace
Really, Klingon, I protest
Guile and wit will serve us best
Cloaked ships should spy on engineers
Fixing spacecraft far from here
Covertly adding to our knowledge
Until we will have accumulated
Enough that masters we will be
And all without brutality
We’ll conduct ourselves with all due pride”.
“Solid races, stand aside!”
The Founder strode onto the scene
The Vorta with him looking keen
To demonstrate the ordered way
And therefore brighten human’s day
By demonstrating the opinion
Held by those of the Dominion.
The Founder spoke, and shook a fist
“You simply can’t go on like this!
You solid folk are too chaotic
It’s really rather idiotic
If you wish to power up the ship
Listen as I tell you this
Only through applying order
And control can we restore her”
“That’s right, that’s right!” The Vorta said
“Follow Klingon’s plan- you’re dead
If we impose ourselves on you
And bring you round to our worldview
The Human’s ship will soon be flying!”
“Yay! It’s your plan I’ll be trying!”
The Human said “but I must ask
What is our exact first task?”
“We’ll need some tools” the Vorta cried
And hope within the Human died
As he had not brought any with him
Suddenly his prospects
were grim
Denobulan would not let doubt
Turn the Human’s grin to pout
Stepping forth with beaming smile
He told them all would be worthwhile
“We’ll still achieve the Human’s vision
We’ll find something! Optimism!!”
Cardassian here shook his head
“No, our hope is truly dead.
Listen up now, all you guys
The strong and worthy will survive
We should steal another spacecraft
Come on, Human, you’re not that daft
I’ll wait here while my view’s assessed”.
Bajoran, though was not impressed.
“I won’t put up with Cardie hate!”
“But it’s sanctioned by the state!”
The Human said “I just don’t care
“The ship we’re building’s that one there”.
Betazoid was in despair
And started pulling out his hair.
“But where are we to find the tools?”
“Ha! I told you, worthless fools!”
Said the Cardassian, but then
The situation changed again
A new voice said “no, all is well
I have solutions! Here to sell!”
Everybody whirled round to see
The new arrival was Ferengi.
“Pay me gold and jewels and things
And I can get you, with no strings
Attached , a barrel full of tools
A bargain you’d be mad to lose!
All it costs is fifty credits
Let me handle all your debits”
“I need to borrow someone’s cash”
The human said; there was a dash
As people scattered to and fro
But Klingon felled them with a blow
“Cowards! Hand him all you’ve got
And let the warrior’s blood run hot
We’ll get this spacecraft fixed again
There’s no retreat from this campaign!”
They handed Human all their loot
Said Betazoid, “You Klingon brute,
You could try being more polite,
And not claim power based on might”
“Politeness sucks” the Zaldan said
“try a lack of tact instead”
“Listen, Zaldan, go away
We never liked you anyway”.
Piping up then from behind,
The newly-rich Ferengi whined
That even though he had been paid
In all this pointless talking they’d,
forgot the Rules of Acquisition!
“Well thank god for that omission”
Said the Human, getting snappy
“And my ship’s still really crappy!”
The Klingon cried “to action, fast!
The time for talk has clearly passed!”
The Romulan, his voice quite snide
Said “well that just isn’t civilized.
Put down that sword, I’ve had enough
Of all your silly fighting stuff.
It’s really time you stood aside
Your arrogance I can’t abide
You think that you’re the major player”
“I’ll second that” said the Kinshaya.
Human sighed in disbelief
The others only bought him grief
But finally his work began,
With Ferengi’s tools and Founder’s plan
Watching Human start to tinker,
The Vulcan, who’s the deepest thinker
Something major could discern:
“I didn’t see the Human learn
How those tools are made to work”
then, hoping to suppress his smirk
Vulcan asked “I don’t suppose
The case may be he doesn’t know?”
Human said through gritted teeth
“Some help would certainly bring relief
What does this contraption do?
Does anybody have a clue?”
“Darmok, with the honey bee”
Tamarian said graciously.
“That doesn’t really help me, mate
‘Your metaphors do not translate!”
Now stepped forth the Tellarite
“Argue further, have a fight!
That’s the way to get things done!
With insults is the battle won!”
“Oh not this debate again”
The Vulcan said with real disdain.
Tempers all were rising fast
So in hopes a peace might last
The Nasat ventured forth and then
Addressed the crowd of angry men
“Whatever we decide to do
We’d best take care to think it through
Carefully, and at great length
Until we have in will the strength
To solve this problem and to face
Our current fears with all due grace
It could be dangerous, you see,
It’s best we take this
cautiously.
Said the Klingon, “oh, f**k that”
And threw his
bat’leth at the Nasat
“Order!, Order!” screamed the Founder
“Settle down! Behave much sounder!
Or I’ll send in the Jem’Hadar!”
The Xindi said “oh, la di da”
You changelings think you’re all so great
‘cause you can shift to liquid state
But though you mimic all alive
You’re still just one race; we’ve got five”.
“Is anybody gonna help?”
The Human cried out with a yelp
As on his foot he dropped his hammer
But he was drowned out by the clamour
“My plan’s best!” the Klingon roared
But Kinshaya then stepped forth
“Listen, Klingon, here’s the thing
We’re fed up with your bullying
And pushing us around and that
So now we’ve made the Typhon Pact
Breen and Gorn and Tzenkethi
Romulan, you come with me
Tholian, you’re coming too”
“Now look what you made them do!”
The Human cried, and moaned out loud
To see the thinning of the crowd.
In anger, they all stomped off home
Leaving the Human all alone
“Will I ever see my spaceship fly?
There’s just one hope, it’s do or die
So come on, will you help me Q?
You’re all that’s left, it’s up to you.
But Q was partying on Risa
So Human was left none the wiser
And his spaceship wouldn’t go
So now he’s stuck, oh dear, oh no.
If not, please shame me immediately.
