Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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Nobody Expects the Federation Inquisition!
“Ah, nothing like a nice, long, relaxing stay in the Brig,” Mariner smiled while stretched out on the bunk in her usual cell. “Wonder when Ranny will finally realize the correlation between my pranking and him assigning me to adjust the flow regulators of the ship’s waste extraction system…”
“Stop smirking you arrogant, blood-mongering fascist!” Lieutenant Shaxs roared as he and a Security team escorted an imposing, slickly-dressed Cardassian into the Brig. Shaxs contemptuously shoved the Cardassian into a cell. “Get in there!”
“Oh goodie. Fresh meat,” Mariner quipped glancing over at them. “Who’s this character?”
“Keda Orshii, former Cardassian dal,” Shaxs spat in disgust. “Notorious arms dealer and black marketer specializing in biogenic weapons and narcotics distribution.”
“Correction: I never directly distributed narcotics,” The incarcerated Cardassian Orshii pointed out with a smile. “I simply facilitated connections between suppliers and their various willing, eager clients.”
“As if that makes it any better!” Shaxs snapped. “You’re responsible for ruining millions of lives from to Tilonus IV to Seronia!”
“You have no evidence of that, Bajoran,” Orshii mocked. “Any supposed proof of such alleged allegations was destroyed during your ill-fated efforts to apprehend me.”
“You’re here, aren’t ya?” Shaxs snarled. “Which is where you’ll stay until being sentenced to prison for the next six hundred years!”
“Okay, so this guy’s a major creep and a scumbag,” Mariner concluded. “How did he end up here?”
“The Cerritos detected some unusual activity while supporting reconstruction efforts on Minnbia during their latest ceasefire with the Vek,” Shaxs explained. “Which led to an epic, enigmatic escapade packed with drama, ingenuity, heroism and a climactic battle of wits and weapons ending with Commander Ransom personally subduing the despicable ex-dal here along with an entire cohort of lackeys with his bare hands! Ransom is currently being treated in Sickbay.”
“In order words, just another flashy, overblown interstellar brouhaha involving the senior officers and some random, obscure villain of the week,” Mariner yawned sarcastically. “A tale of such riveting importance that nobody even bothered to inform the Lower Decks.”
“A perfect example of Starfleet’s ignorance being surpassed only by its ineptitude,” Orshii smirked.
“Shut your mouth, you mudslinging lugfish!” Shaxs roared. “Before I rip out your tongue and make you eat it!”
“But I thought you wanted me to open my mouth,” Orshii feinted confusion. “Isn’t that the reason for my current incarceration? So that I may inform you of my purported list of suppliers, clients, storehouses and ostensible bases of operations?”
“You’re going to tell us everything we want to know,” Shaxs glared intimidatingly at him. “Everything!”
“Ha, dream on,” Orshii snorted. “I know the rights granted to me under your pathetic Federation law. You can’t make me talk. And without my testimony there’s not enough evidence for your feeble Federation legal advocates to convict me. Which means sooner or later you litigative barbarians will have no choice but to release me.”
“We’ll see about that!” Shaxs snarled. “You and your entire vile network are going down once and for all!”
“Funny. I recall a similar fate befalling many of your former Bajoran compatriots,” Orshii smiled knowingly. “Especially those wretched souls foolishly present at the Battle of Tempasa…”
“DON’T SAY THAT NAME!” Shaxs roared lunging at the force field separating him and Orshii. “YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT, YOU BLOOD-SOAKED AGENT OF DEATH!”
“I’ll say whatever I wish, Bajoran,” Orshii smirked smugly. “Isn’t that one of those oh-so-precious universal freedoms you Federation phaser-fodder are always fighting to protect?”
“I’LL GIVE YOU A FIGHT!” Shaxs howled as the Security team quickly wrestled him out of the Brig. “LET GO! THAT SMUG CARDASSIAN MURDERER DESERVES TO DIE! I’LL KILL HIM! I’LL KILL…!”
“Ah, that was mildly entertaining,” Orshii grinned at Shaxs’ unwilling departure. Ensign Haubold remained behind to man the Brig’s security station. “Perhaps my stay here won’t be so boring after all.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Mariner said giving him a look. “Starfleet isn’t just gonna let you waltz outta here ya know.”
“Oh please,” Orshii scoffed. “Your so-called Federation justice system is a joke. The entire institution is so pathetically easy to manipulate any reasonably intelligent being can be released without so much as a proverbial slap on the wrist.”
“Well, maybe,” Mariner allowed. “But even Starfleet isn’t that soft when it comes to dealing with suspected criminals. One little mind meld from one of the many Vulcans onboard and your goose is cooked.”
“Bah, a sufficiently disciplined mind can easily defeat such an overrated mental trick,” Orshii waved. “Cardassian officers undergo intensive training to resist every interrogation technique in the known galaxy.”
“Really?” Mariner asked skeptically.
“Of course,” Orshii boasted confidently. “I myself have been interrogated by the Tal Shiar, Klingon mind sifters, even the former Obsidian Order. Yet I’m still here.”
“Wow. Good for you,” Mariner drawled. “If being part of the Cardassian military is so great, why aren’t you still a part of it?”
“Because my so-called superiors kept denying me my well-deserved promotions,” Orshii said with a slight trace of annoyance. “And even five years after the horrific slaughter of the Dominion War, the Cardassian military is still but a mere echo of what is once was.”
“You have a point,” Mariner muttered darkly.
“At the end of the war, I was one of the few surviving officers stationed in the Ventani system,” Orshii went on. “With the Dominion abruptly pulling out and Central Command virtually ceasing to exist overnight there was a severe personnel shortage and plenty of surplus war material just lying around for anyone to utilize. So I reasoned why let all that valuable equipment go to waste?”
“Gee, how Drookmani of you,” Mariner commented. “And I suppose there were piles of deadly biogenic weapons that just happened to be lying around too?”
“No, but the databanks, laboratories and production equipment that created them were,” Orshii explained. “Cardassian scientists spent untold amounts of time, effort and resources to develop multitudes of biogenic weapons that were never used, even during the Dominion War or against the Maquis. Arranging for such weapons to be used by interested, well-funded parties was the only way to recoup on our investment.”
“And the fact that biogenic weapons are deliberately designed or deployed for use against civilians didn’t bother you?” Mariner hissed.
“A mere technicality,” Orshii waved coldly. “One doesn’t always have the luxury of limiting weapons use to military targets. Simply isn’t efficient.”
“Well thanks for the information dump,” Mariner said. “I’ll be sure to mention every word you just willingly shared with me at your trial.”
“Ha. Nice try, Starfleet,” Orshii scoffed. “But nothing I’ve said can legally be connected to any of the charges leveled against me. You have nothing.” Orshii smirked arrogantly at Mariner. “Did you seriously expect such a simple, transparent interrogative ploy to work against me?”
“No really, no,” Mariner grinned back impishly. “But I know one that will…”
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Later…
“Man, that was one wild recalibration session,” Rutherford smiled strolling down the corridor.
“I’ll say,” Tendi chirped cheerfully. “I never had to deal with multiphasic flux modulations like those before. I can’t wait to tell Mariner all about it!”
“I’m sure she’ll be thrilled,” Boimler commented as the three ensigns entered the Brig to visit their friend. “Since she’s spending yet another day doing absolutely nothing…” Boimler blinked at Mariner’s empty cell. “Huh, that’s weird. Where is she?”
“Ensign Haubold,” Rutherford noticed the prone figure slumped behind the security station. He quickly rushed over to her. “Are you okay?”
“Ughhh?” Haubold’s eyes fluttered open. “Ohhh, what happened?”
“That’s what we were about to ask you,” Boimler said.
“Shhh, don’t move,” Tendi swiftly pulled out a tricorder and scanned Haubold. “Hmmm, I’m not detecting any injures. From the look of things I’d say you simply fell asleep.”
“Sure doesn’t feel like it,” Haubold groaned rubbing her temples. “Wait, I vaguely remember now. Mariner and the Cardassian prisoner somehow managed to escape!”
“What?” Boimler yelped. “Oh no! Wait, what prisoner?”
“The one Ensign Mariner helped break out of the Brig,” Haubold said.
“Huh?” Rutherford blinked in surprise. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” Haubold stated. “I was there! I mean, here!”
“No. That can’t be right,” Tendi shook her head. “Mariner would never do something like that. Would she?”
“She would,” Boimler groaned. “Trust me on this.”
“Trust you with what, Ensign?” Captain Freeman asked entering the Brig.
“Uh…” Boimler gulped.
“Captain! Please, please, please let me interrogate the prisoner!” Shaxs begged trailing after Freeman. “I’ve been very good this month! I’ll get that scum-crawling fascist to talk! Right before I tie him to the warp core and eject the whole thing into a supernova…!”
“Not now, Mister Shaxs,” Freeman ordered turning her attention to the assembled ensigns. “Now, what exactly is going on here?”
“Uh, well, you see…” Boimler stuttered.
“Ensign Mariner and the Cardassian prisoner somehow escaped from their cells,” Haubold reported.
“What?” Freeman gasped. “How?”
“I’m…not exactly sure,” Haubold admitted rubbing her head. “My memory’s still kind of fuzzy.”
“I know what that’s like,” Rutherford said.
“Great. There’s a rogue, highly dangerous maniac loose aboard my ship,” Freeman cursed. “And an escaped Cardassian too. Lieutenant Shaxs, launch an immediate search…”
“Arnemann to Security,” The voice of one of the Cerritos’ primary child-care instructors called out over the comm. “Please send a Security team down here at once. There’s a serious hostage situation.”
“What?!” Shaxs roared in indignation. “On our way!”
“Oh boy,” Rutherford gulped as everyone quickly rushed out of the Brig. “This is getting serious.”
“No kidding,” Boimler moaned as he and Tendi worked to support Haubold. “Mariner has really done it this time.”
“There’s no direct proof Mariner has anything wrong,” Tendi noted. “Haubold may have been mistaken about Mariner’s alleged escape attempt. Mariner might be trying to subdue the other escaped prisoner right now.”
“You really believe that?” Boimler gave her a look.
“It is a legitimate possibly,” Rutherford pointed out. “Though not necessarily likely…”
“Captain. Lieutenant Shaxs,” A full squad of heavily armed Security officers greeted waiting outside one of the ship’s primary child-care facilities. “The perimeter’s been secured and transport inhibiters are standing by. Recommend we first scan the room and try to beam the hostages out…”
“Forget that! I’ll deal with that foul Cardassian murderer myself!” Shaxs roared shoving the Security team aside. “Rrraaarrrggghhh!”
“Shaxs! No…awww!” Freeman cursed as Shaxs tore through the doors. “Security team with me! Phasers on stun! Subdue the escaped prisoners! You other ensigns get the hostages to safety!”
“Yes sir!” Boimler said as the band of Starfleet officers burst into the room. “Don’t worry, kids! We’ll save you…huh?”
“Here, this Betazoid lipstick will do wonders for your dry lips,” A crowd of children giggled while huddled around a bound, captive Orshii. “Wow, this Argelian blush really brings out your eyes.”
“Your hands are nice too,” Several kids commented painting Orshii’s fingernails. “All little rough perhaps, but this Andorian file will get rid of all those unsightly callouses lickety-split.”
“Hey, hold still!” An older kid scolded Orshii. “Or else I’ll end up trimming the ragged remains your eyebrows instead of your nose hairs.”
“That’s okay,” Another kid waved. “I’ve got a set of synthetic eyebrows and eyelashes for him all set up.”
“GAAAHHHHHH! SOMEBODY GET THESE BRATS AWAY FROM ME!” Orshii screamed bound to a chair while looking like a makeup artist’s nightmare. Instead of his previously stylish clothes he now wore a bright pink ballet costume complete with sparkling fluffy skirt, skin-tight leotard and matching low-cut bodice. “OW! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE WAVING THAT HIGHLIGHTER STICK! WHAT ARE YOU RUBBING INTO MY RIDGES?! OW, THERE’S POMADE IN MY EYE! AAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“Eh?” A twitching Shaxs stood rooted in place taking in the scene having been literally struck dumb.
“Uh,” Boimler and the other Starfleet officers gawked at the sight. “What the hey…?”
“That’s it, kiddos! Apply that mascara good!” Mariner rooted casually draped over a nearby couch while watching the kids swarm over Orshii. “Make that Gloomy Grumpy Gus look all cute and pretty! Put a smile on that battered gray mug of his!”
“NO! NOT THE FACIAL CLEANSER!” Orshii screeched. “YAAAHHHHHH!”
“Mariner,” Freeman said slowly while unable to tear her eyes away from Orshii’s ordeal. “What…the heck…is this?”
“Oh, hey Cap,” Mariner waved. “Just supervising ol’ Orshii’s impromptu makeover session.”
“Makeover session?” Rutherford blinked.
“Yep,” Mariner confirmed. “Mister Tough Guy here kept bragging about how amazingly resistant he is to all kinds of enhanced interrogation techniques. So I decided to hand him over to the experts.”
“You what?!” A stunned Boimler gaped.
“You’re interrogating a prisoner by giving him a makeover?” Tendi asked.
“Na, not really,” Mariner explained. “I haven’t even bothered asking him any questions yet. Right now the kids are just having fun.”
“What style goes better with these glitter ribbons?” An older kid asked braiding Orshii’s hair. “Space buns or pigtails?”
“I was thinking more of a spiked mohawk look,” Another kid replied. “After dying his hair bright yellow blonde or deep neon purple.”
“Hey, stop fitting him for pointe shoes,” A third kid scolded another. “Have him wear open-toe high heels instead to show off his set of newly painted toenails.”
“AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH! HELP! THESE KIDS ARE CRAZY!” Orshii wailed. “WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE NEEDLES?! YOU’RE GOING TO PIERCE ME WHERE?! YAAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“O-kay,” Freeman blinked slowly. “This…isn’t at all what I expected. Wait, what about the reported hostage situation?”
“Oh, the hostage situation is still going on,” Ms. Arnemann said standing off to one side. She pointed at the bound, shrieking Orshii. “He’s the hostage.”
“I see,” Rutherford blinked.
“If you’re so concerned about Orshii’s safety, why don’t you just tell the kids to stop?” Boimler asked.
“Because Ensign Mariner told them to give that man a makeover and she has a higher authority compared to a civilian like me,” Arnemann explained. “Besides, would you try telling the kids to stop? If they do, they may turn on you next.”
“You have a point,” Boimler and the Security team gulped.
“Well thank goodness neither you nor any of the kids are hurt,” Tendi sighed in relief. “I knew Mariner didn’t do anything wrong. Ensign Haubold said she had helped the Cardassian prisoner escape.”
“Well, technically I did,” Mariner admitted. “But it was for a very good reason!”
“Oh geeze,” Boimler groaned.
“Really?” Rutherford gazed at Mariner in surprise. “How did you manage that? How did you even manage to bring him here?”
“Sorry, trade secret,” Mariner smirked. “Let’s just say it’s the fault of whatever bright mind (cough, Ransom, cough!) who continues to put the most habitual Brig occupier on Brig maintenance duty.”
“I see,” Tendi blinked.
“YAAAHHHHHH, GET THESE CURSED MUD MASKS OFF ME!” Orshii cried. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT MUD?! WHAT THE DEVIL IS IT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME…YEEEOOOWWWWWW!”
“Uh, shouldn’t we do something about this?” Boimler winced at Orshii’s wails of terror. “Inflicting an unwilling makeover on someone has got to violate the Khitomer Accords or some other kind of agreement.”
“Yeah, all those cosmetics and applicators can’t be good for one’s health,” Rutherford agreed. “Physically or mentally.”
“Eh, relax guys. It’s just a little makeup,” Mariner waved. “I bet ol’ Grumpy Gills here has endured worse. It’s not like Cardassian makeup is claustrophobic or anything.”
“OH MY GOSH! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SHAVING ME THERE YOU LITTLE SICKOS!” Orshii shrieked. “THAT’S DISGUSTING! AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!”
“Yikes,” Tendi gulped quickly covering her eyes. “They’re not doing what I think they’re doing, are they?”
“I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know,” Boimler blanched.
“Hey, kids! Remember what I said!” Mariner warned. “You’re not allowed to use razors, knives, scissors or other bladed tools. If you want to remove any body hair, forget shaving it and just wax the lot off!”
“Okay!” The kids chirped happily.
“WHAT?!” Orshii screeched. “NOOOOOOOOO!”
“What about using electrolysis?” A young Vulcan girl inquired innocently.
“That works too,” Mariner said. “Just be careful not to use too high a current. But a high voltage should be just fine.”
“Understood,” The girl nodded.
“I don’t believe this,” A still-shocked Freeman shook her head at the scene.
“Me neither,” Rutherford agreed. “That Cardassian Orshii guy looks surprising good in a tutu.”
“That’s not the only flashy look he’ll be sporting, Ruthy,” Mariner grinned wickedly. “The kids and I got plans to doll him up in a fairy outfit, a princess outfit, an Elasian dohlman getup. Along with taking lots of holopics and spreading them across subspace channels in all four quadrants. That is unless Mister Tight Glossy Lips decides to suddenly start talking…”
“I’LL TALK! I’LL TALK!” Orshii cried frantically. “I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW! NAMES, CLIENTS, SUPPLIERS, BASES, MY PERSONAL ACCESS CODES, ANYTHING! ANYTHING! JUST KEEP THESE INSANE KIDS AWAY FROM ME!”
“But we haven’t given you any dermal filler injections yet,” One kid pointed out.
“Or accompanying liposuction treatments,” Another kid added.
“Sorry, kids, but this man is no longer under your jurisdiction,” Freeman declared gesturing to the Security team. “The rest of us will take it from here. Get this man to a debriefing room.”
“Awww!” The crowd of kids pouted.
“And get this one back to the Brig!” Freeman stabbed a finger at Mariner.
“Awww,” Mariner mock-pouted as the Security team dragged her and a traumatized Orshii away. “Well, it was nice while it lasted.”
“Tweezers…tweezers everywhere…” Orshii twitched with a haunted look in his eyes while still bound to the chair. “And brushes…evil brushes…big brushes…five brushes…!”
“Ensign,” Freeman motioned to Rutherford. “Help me escort Lieutenant Shaxs to his quarters.”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford nodded doing so.
“Eh?” A still-frozen Shaxs squeaked as Freeman and Rutherford half-led, half-carried him out of the room.
“Guess we should get you down to Sickbay,” Tendi said helping Haubold out the door. “Just in case.”
“If you say so,” Haubold shrugged. “My memory is still a little fuzzy…”
“Hey! Wait for me!” Boimler yelped running after them. “Don’t leave me here!”
“Aw, everybody is gone,” The crowd of disappointed kids sighed. “I wanted to keep giving that funny, loud man a makeover. Now what are going to do for fun?”
“Captain! Kids!” A slightly unkempt Commander Ransom rushed into the room wearing a Sickbay gown. “I heard there was a hostage situation! I’m here to save the day…huh? What’s going on? Where’s the hostage taker…uh, why are you kids grinning at me like that? Why are you carrying so many cosmetic…YAAAHHHHHH! GET OFF ME! NO! PUT THAT EYESHADOW DOWN! HELP! AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
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Nobody Expects the Federation Inquisition!
“Ah, nothing like a nice, long, relaxing stay in the Brig,” Mariner smiled while stretched out on the bunk in her usual cell. “Wonder when Ranny will finally realize the correlation between my pranking and him assigning me to adjust the flow regulators of the ship’s waste extraction system…”
“Stop smirking you arrogant, blood-mongering fascist!” Lieutenant Shaxs roared as he and a Security team escorted an imposing, slickly-dressed Cardassian into the Brig. Shaxs contemptuously shoved the Cardassian into a cell. “Get in there!”
“Oh goodie. Fresh meat,” Mariner quipped glancing over at them. “Who’s this character?”
“Keda Orshii, former Cardassian dal,” Shaxs spat in disgust. “Notorious arms dealer and black marketer specializing in biogenic weapons and narcotics distribution.”
“Correction: I never directly distributed narcotics,” The incarcerated Cardassian Orshii pointed out with a smile. “I simply facilitated connections between suppliers and their various willing, eager clients.”
“As if that makes it any better!” Shaxs snapped. “You’re responsible for ruining millions of lives from to Tilonus IV to Seronia!”
“You have no evidence of that, Bajoran,” Orshii mocked. “Any supposed proof of such alleged allegations was destroyed during your ill-fated efforts to apprehend me.”
“You’re here, aren’t ya?” Shaxs snarled. “Which is where you’ll stay until being sentenced to prison for the next six hundred years!”
“Okay, so this guy’s a major creep and a scumbag,” Mariner concluded. “How did he end up here?”
“The Cerritos detected some unusual activity while supporting reconstruction efforts on Minnbia during their latest ceasefire with the Vek,” Shaxs explained. “Which led to an epic, enigmatic escapade packed with drama, ingenuity, heroism and a climactic battle of wits and weapons ending with Commander Ransom personally subduing the despicable ex-dal here along with an entire cohort of lackeys with his bare hands! Ransom is currently being treated in Sickbay.”
“In order words, just another flashy, overblown interstellar brouhaha involving the senior officers and some random, obscure villain of the week,” Mariner yawned sarcastically. “A tale of such riveting importance that nobody even bothered to inform the Lower Decks.”
“A perfect example of Starfleet’s ignorance being surpassed only by its ineptitude,” Orshii smirked.
“Shut your mouth, you mudslinging lugfish!” Shaxs roared. “Before I rip out your tongue and make you eat it!”
“But I thought you wanted me to open my mouth,” Orshii feinted confusion. “Isn’t that the reason for my current incarceration? So that I may inform you of my purported list of suppliers, clients, storehouses and ostensible bases of operations?”
“You’re going to tell us everything we want to know,” Shaxs glared intimidatingly at him. “Everything!”
“Ha, dream on,” Orshii snorted. “I know the rights granted to me under your pathetic Federation law. You can’t make me talk. And without my testimony there’s not enough evidence for your feeble Federation legal advocates to convict me. Which means sooner or later you litigative barbarians will have no choice but to release me.”
“We’ll see about that!” Shaxs snarled. “You and your entire vile network are going down once and for all!”
“Funny. I recall a similar fate befalling many of your former Bajoran compatriots,” Orshii smiled knowingly. “Especially those wretched souls foolishly present at the Battle of Tempasa…”
“DON’T SAY THAT NAME!” Shaxs roared lunging at the force field separating him and Orshii. “YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT, YOU BLOOD-SOAKED AGENT OF DEATH!”
“I’ll say whatever I wish, Bajoran,” Orshii smirked smugly. “Isn’t that one of those oh-so-precious universal freedoms you Federation phaser-fodder are always fighting to protect?”
“I’LL GIVE YOU A FIGHT!” Shaxs howled as the Security team quickly wrestled him out of the Brig. “LET GO! THAT SMUG CARDASSIAN MURDERER DESERVES TO DIE! I’LL KILL HIM! I’LL KILL…!”
“Ah, that was mildly entertaining,” Orshii grinned at Shaxs’ unwilling departure. Ensign Haubold remained behind to man the Brig’s security station. “Perhaps my stay here won’t be so boring after all.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Mariner said giving him a look. “Starfleet isn’t just gonna let you waltz outta here ya know.”
“Oh please,” Orshii scoffed. “Your so-called Federation justice system is a joke. The entire institution is so pathetically easy to manipulate any reasonably intelligent being can be released without so much as a proverbial slap on the wrist.”
“Well, maybe,” Mariner allowed. “But even Starfleet isn’t that soft when it comes to dealing with suspected criminals. One little mind meld from one of the many Vulcans onboard and your goose is cooked.”
“Bah, a sufficiently disciplined mind can easily defeat such an overrated mental trick,” Orshii waved. “Cardassian officers undergo intensive training to resist every interrogation technique in the known galaxy.”
“Really?” Mariner asked skeptically.
“Of course,” Orshii boasted confidently. “I myself have been interrogated by the Tal Shiar, Klingon mind sifters, even the former Obsidian Order. Yet I’m still here.”
“Wow. Good for you,” Mariner drawled. “If being part of the Cardassian military is so great, why aren’t you still a part of it?”
“Because my so-called superiors kept denying me my well-deserved promotions,” Orshii said with a slight trace of annoyance. “And even five years after the horrific slaughter of the Dominion War, the Cardassian military is still but a mere echo of what is once was.”
“You have a point,” Mariner muttered darkly.
“At the end of the war, I was one of the few surviving officers stationed in the Ventani system,” Orshii went on. “With the Dominion abruptly pulling out and Central Command virtually ceasing to exist overnight there was a severe personnel shortage and plenty of surplus war material just lying around for anyone to utilize. So I reasoned why let all that valuable equipment go to waste?”
“Gee, how Drookmani of you,” Mariner commented. “And I suppose there were piles of deadly biogenic weapons that just happened to be lying around too?”
“No, but the databanks, laboratories and production equipment that created them were,” Orshii explained. “Cardassian scientists spent untold amounts of time, effort and resources to develop multitudes of biogenic weapons that were never used, even during the Dominion War or against the Maquis. Arranging for such weapons to be used by interested, well-funded parties was the only way to recoup on our investment.”
“And the fact that biogenic weapons are deliberately designed or deployed for use against civilians didn’t bother you?” Mariner hissed.
“A mere technicality,” Orshii waved coldly. “One doesn’t always have the luxury of limiting weapons use to military targets. Simply isn’t efficient.”
“Well thanks for the information dump,” Mariner said. “I’ll be sure to mention every word you just willingly shared with me at your trial.”
“Ha. Nice try, Starfleet,” Orshii scoffed. “But nothing I’ve said can legally be connected to any of the charges leveled against me. You have nothing.” Orshii smirked arrogantly at Mariner. “Did you seriously expect such a simple, transparent interrogative ploy to work against me?”
“No really, no,” Mariner grinned back impishly. “But I know one that will…”
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Later…
“Man, that was one wild recalibration session,” Rutherford smiled strolling down the corridor.
“I’ll say,” Tendi chirped cheerfully. “I never had to deal with multiphasic flux modulations like those before. I can’t wait to tell Mariner all about it!”
“I’m sure she’ll be thrilled,” Boimler commented as the three ensigns entered the Brig to visit their friend. “Since she’s spending yet another day doing absolutely nothing…” Boimler blinked at Mariner’s empty cell. “Huh, that’s weird. Where is she?”
“Ensign Haubold,” Rutherford noticed the prone figure slumped behind the security station. He quickly rushed over to her. “Are you okay?”
“Ughhh?” Haubold’s eyes fluttered open. “Ohhh, what happened?”
“That’s what we were about to ask you,” Boimler said.
“Shhh, don’t move,” Tendi swiftly pulled out a tricorder and scanned Haubold. “Hmmm, I’m not detecting any injures. From the look of things I’d say you simply fell asleep.”
“Sure doesn’t feel like it,” Haubold groaned rubbing her temples. “Wait, I vaguely remember now. Mariner and the Cardassian prisoner somehow managed to escape!”
“What?” Boimler yelped. “Oh no! Wait, what prisoner?”
“The one Ensign Mariner helped break out of the Brig,” Haubold said.
“Huh?” Rutherford blinked in surprise. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” Haubold stated. “I was there! I mean, here!”
“No. That can’t be right,” Tendi shook her head. “Mariner would never do something like that. Would she?”
“She would,” Boimler groaned. “Trust me on this.”
“Trust you with what, Ensign?” Captain Freeman asked entering the Brig.
“Uh…” Boimler gulped.
“Captain! Please, please, please let me interrogate the prisoner!” Shaxs begged trailing after Freeman. “I’ve been very good this month! I’ll get that scum-crawling fascist to talk! Right before I tie him to the warp core and eject the whole thing into a supernova…!”
“Not now, Mister Shaxs,” Freeman ordered turning her attention to the assembled ensigns. “Now, what exactly is going on here?”
“Uh, well, you see…” Boimler stuttered.
“Ensign Mariner and the Cardassian prisoner somehow escaped from their cells,” Haubold reported.
“What?” Freeman gasped. “How?”
“I’m…not exactly sure,” Haubold admitted rubbing her head. “My memory’s still kind of fuzzy.”
“I know what that’s like,” Rutherford said.
“Great. There’s a rogue, highly dangerous maniac loose aboard my ship,” Freeman cursed. “And an escaped Cardassian too. Lieutenant Shaxs, launch an immediate search…”
“Arnemann to Security,” The voice of one of the Cerritos’ primary child-care instructors called out over the comm. “Please send a Security team down here at once. There’s a serious hostage situation.”
“What?!” Shaxs roared in indignation. “On our way!”
“Oh boy,” Rutherford gulped as everyone quickly rushed out of the Brig. “This is getting serious.”
“No kidding,” Boimler moaned as he and Tendi worked to support Haubold. “Mariner has really done it this time.”
“There’s no direct proof Mariner has anything wrong,” Tendi noted. “Haubold may have been mistaken about Mariner’s alleged escape attempt. Mariner might be trying to subdue the other escaped prisoner right now.”
“You really believe that?” Boimler gave her a look.
“It is a legitimate possibly,” Rutherford pointed out. “Though not necessarily likely…”
“Captain. Lieutenant Shaxs,” A full squad of heavily armed Security officers greeted waiting outside one of the ship’s primary child-care facilities. “The perimeter’s been secured and transport inhibiters are standing by. Recommend we first scan the room and try to beam the hostages out…”
“Forget that! I’ll deal with that foul Cardassian murderer myself!” Shaxs roared shoving the Security team aside. “Rrraaarrrggghhh!”
“Shaxs! No…awww!” Freeman cursed as Shaxs tore through the doors. “Security team with me! Phasers on stun! Subdue the escaped prisoners! You other ensigns get the hostages to safety!”
“Yes sir!” Boimler said as the band of Starfleet officers burst into the room. “Don’t worry, kids! We’ll save you…huh?”
“Here, this Betazoid lipstick will do wonders for your dry lips,” A crowd of children giggled while huddled around a bound, captive Orshii. “Wow, this Argelian blush really brings out your eyes.”
“Your hands are nice too,” Several kids commented painting Orshii’s fingernails. “All little rough perhaps, but this Andorian file will get rid of all those unsightly callouses lickety-split.”
“Hey, hold still!” An older kid scolded Orshii. “Or else I’ll end up trimming the ragged remains your eyebrows instead of your nose hairs.”
“That’s okay,” Another kid waved. “I’ve got a set of synthetic eyebrows and eyelashes for him all set up.”
“GAAAHHHHHH! SOMEBODY GET THESE BRATS AWAY FROM ME!” Orshii screamed bound to a chair while looking like a makeup artist’s nightmare. Instead of his previously stylish clothes he now wore a bright pink ballet costume complete with sparkling fluffy skirt, skin-tight leotard and matching low-cut bodice. “OW! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE WAVING THAT HIGHLIGHTER STICK! WHAT ARE YOU RUBBING INTO MY RIDGES?! OW, THERE’S POMADE IN MY EYE! AAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“Eh?” A twitching Shaxs stood rooted in place taking in the scene having been literally struck dumb.
“Uh,” Boimler and the other Starfleet officers gawked at the sight. “What the hey…?”
“That’s it, kiddos! Apply that mascara good!” Mariner rooted casually draped over a nearby couch while watching the kids swarm over Orshii. “Make that Gloomy Grumpy Gus look all cute and pretty! Put a smile on that battered gray mug of his!”
“NO! NOT THE FACIAL CLEANSER!” Orshii screeched. “YAAAHHHHHH!”
“Mariner,” Freeman said slowly while unable to tear her eyes away from Orshii’s ordeal. “What…the heck…is this?”
“Oh, hey Cap,” Mariner waved. “Just supervising ol’ Orshii’s impromptu makeover session.”
“Makeover session?” Rutherford blinked.
“Yep,” Mariner confirmed. “Mister Tough Guy here kept bragging about how amazingly resistant he is to all kinds of enhanced interrogation techniques. So I decided to hand him over to the experts.”
“You what?!” A stunned Boimler gaped.
“You’re interrogating a prisoner by giving him a makeover?” Tendi asked.
“Na, not really,” Mariner explained. “I haven’t even bothered asking him any questions yet. Right now the kids are just having fun.”
“What style goes better with these glitter ribbons?” An older kid asked braiding Orshii’s hair. “Space buns or pigtails?”
“I was thinking more of a spiked mohawk look,” Another kid replied. “After dying his hair bright yellow blonde or deep neon purple.”
“Hey, stop fitting him for pointe shoes,” A third kid scolded another. “Have him wear open-toe high heels instead to show off his set of newly painted toenails.”
“AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH! HELP! THESE KIDS ARE CRAZY!” Orshii wailed. “WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE NEEDLES?! YOU’RE GOING TO PIERCE ME WHERE?! YAAAGGGHHHHHH!”
“O-kay,” Freeman blinked slowly. “This…isn’t at all what I expected. Wait, what about the reported hostage situation?”
“Oh, the hostage situation is still going on,” Ms. Arnemann said standing off to one side. She pointed at the bound, shrieking Orshii. “He’s the hostage.”
“I see,” Rutherford blinked.
“If you’re so concerned about Orshii’s safety, why don’t you just tell the kids to stop?” Boimler asked.
“Because Ensign Mariner told them to give that man a makeover and she has a higher authority compared to a civilian like me,” Arnemann explained. “Besides, would you try telling the kids to stop? If they do, they may turn on you next.”
“You have a point,” Boimler and the Security team gulped.
“Well thank goodness neither you nor any of the kids are hurt,” Tendi sighed in relief. “I knew Mariner didn’t do anything wrong. Ensign Haubold said she had helped the Cardassian prisoner escape.”
“Well, technically I did,” Mariner admitted. “But it was for a very good reason!”
“Oh geeze,” Boimler groaned.
“Really?” Rutherford gazed at Mariner in surprise. “How did you manage that? How did you even manage to bring him here?”
“Sorry, trade secret,” Mariner smirked. “Let’s just say it’s the fault of whatever bright mind (cough, Ransom, cough!) who continues to put the most habitual Brig occupier on Brig maintenance duty.”
“I see,” Tendi blinked.
“YAAAHHHHHH, GET THESE CURSED MUD MASKS OFF ME!” Orshii cried. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT MUD?! WHAT THE DEVIL IS IT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME…YEEEOOOWWWWWW!”
“Uh, shouldn’t we do something about this?” Boimler winced at Orshii’s wails of terror. “Inflicting an unwilling makeover on someone has got to violate the Khitomer Accords or some other kind of agreement.”
“Yeah, all those cosmetics and applicators can’t be good for one’s health,” Rutherford agreed. “Physically or mentally.”
“Eh, relax guys. It’s just a little makeup,” Mariner waved. “I bet ol’ Grumpy Gills here has endured worse. It’s not like Cardassian makeup is claustrophobic or anything.”
“OH MY GOSH! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SHAVING ME THERE YOU LITTLE SICKOS!” Orshii shrieked. “THAT’S DISGUSTING! AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!”
“Yikes,” Tendi gulped quickly covering her eyes. “They’re not doing what I think they’re doing, are they?”
“I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know,” Boimler blanched.
“Hey, kids! Remember what I said!” Mariner warned. “You’re not allowed to use razors, knives, scissors or other bladed tools. If you want to remove any body hair, forget shaving it and just wax the lot off!”
“Okay!” The kids chirped happily.
“WHAT?!” Orshii screeched. “NOOOOOOOOO!”
“What about using electrolysis?” A young Vulcan girl inquired innocently.
“That works too,” Mariner said. “Just be careful not to use too high a current. But a high voltage should be just fine.”
“Understood,” The girl nodded.
“I don’t believe this,” A still-shocked Freeman shook her head at the scene.
“Me neither,” Rutherford agreed. “That Cardassian Orshii guy looks surprising good in a tutu.”
“That’s not the only flashy look he’ll be sporting, Ruthy,” Mariner grinned wickedly. “The kids and I got plans to doll him up in a fairy outfit, a princess outfit, an Elasian dohlman getup. Along with taking lots of holopics and spreading them across subspace channels in all four quadrants. That is unless Mister Tight Glossy Lips decides to suddenly start talking…”
“I’LL TALK! I’LL TALK!” Orshii cried frantically. “I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW! NAMES, CLIENTS, SUPPLIERS, BASES, MY PERSONAL ACCESS CODES, ANYTHING! ANYTHING! JUST KEEP THESE INSANE KIDS AWAY FROM ME!”
“But we haven’t given you any dermal filler injections yet,” One kid pointed out.
“Or accompanying liposuction treatments,” Another kid added.
“Sorry, kids, but this man is no longer under your jurisdiction,” Freeman declared gesturing to the Security team. “The rest of us will take it from here. Get this man to a debriefing room.”
“Awww!” The crowd of kids pouted.
“And get this one back to the Brig!” Freeman stabbed a finger at Mariner.
“Awww,” Mariner mock-pouted as the Security team dragged her and a traumatized Orshii away. “Well, it was nice while it lasted.”
“Tweezers…tweezers everywhere…” Orshii twitched with a haunted look in his eyes while still bound to the chair. “And brushes…evil brushes…big brushes…five brushes…!”
“Ensign,” Freeman motioned to Rutherford. “Help me escort Lieutenant Shaxs to his quarters.”
“Okey-dokey,” Rutherford nodded doing so.
“Eh?” A still-frozen Shaxs squeaked as Freeman and Rutherford half-led, half-carried him out of the room.
“Guess we should get you down to Sickbay,” Tendi said helping Haubold out the door. “Just in case.”
“If you say so,” Haubold shrugged. “My memory is still a little fuzzy…”
“Hey! Wait for me!” Boimler yelped running after them. “Don’t leave me here!”
“Aw, everybody is gone,” The crowd of disappointed kids sighed. “I wanted to keep giving that funny, loud man a makeover. Now what are going to do for fun?”
“Captain! Kids!” A slightly unkempt Commander Ransom rushed into the room wearing a Sickbay gown. “I heard there was a hostage situation! I’m here to save the day…huh? What’s going on? Where’s the hostage taker…uh, why are you kids grinning at me like that? Why are you carrying so many cosmetic…YAAAHHHHHH! GET OFF ME! NO! PUT THAT EYESHADOW DOWN! HELP! AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks.
