Funniest quotes

[John Picard]

All the series had funny lines. My faves include:

From TOS, The Deadly Years, Spock asks McCoy to give him a remedy for his increasing intolerance to cold.

MCCOY: I'm not a magician, Spock, just an old country doctor.
SPOCK: Yes. As I've always suspected.

From TNG, All Good Things, when Picard solves the paradox Q puts him in:

Q: My ship, my crew, I'll bet you're worried about your fish, too!

When Picard insists on an answer, Q quips:

Q: Well, you're here aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

From TNG, Haven, when Data is watching all the squabbling:

Data: Would you please continue the petty bickering? I find it intriguing.

From DSN, The Emissary, when Sisko maneuvers Quark into becoming community leader:

Quark: Hahahahaha! Community leader!
Odo: Seems reasonable. You have all the character references of a politician!

Those are some that haven't been mentioned that stand out in my mind.

Red Ranger

My favorite was when Q was screwing with Sisko and transported the both of them to a late 18th Century bare knuckled boxing ring with appropriate dress.

<Circling each other>

Q: blah blah blah blah
Sisko: <Sisko pops Q right in the jaw>
Q: *gasp* "Picard *never* hit me!"
Sisko: <smirking> "I'm *NOT* Picard!"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Jellico:

"Oh, and get that fish out of the ready room."

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

All the series had funny lines. My faves include:

From TOS, The Deadly Years, Spock asks McCoy to give him a remedy for his increasing intolerance to cold.

MCCOY: I'm not a magician, Spock, just an old country doctor.
SPOCK: Yes. As I've always suspected.

From TNG, All Good Things, when Picard solves the paradox Q puts him in:

Q: My ship, my crew, I'll bet you're worried about your fish, too!

When Picard insists on an answer, Q quips:

Q: Well, you're here aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

From TNG, Haven, when Data is watching all the squabbling:

Data: Would you please continue the petty bickering? I find it intriguing.

From DSN, The Emissary, when Sisko maneuvers Quark into becoming community leader:

Quark: Hahahahaha! Community leader!
Odo: Seems reasonable. You have all the character references of a politician!

Those are some that haven't been mentioned that stand out in my mind.

Red Ranger

My favorite was when Q was screwing with Sisko and transported the both of them to a late 18th Century bare knuckled boxing ring with appropriate dress.

<Circling each other>

Q: blah blah blah blah
Sisko: <Sisko pops Q right in the jaw>
Q: *gasp* "Picard *never* hit me!"
Sisko: <smirking> "I'm *NOT* Picard!"

I always enjoyed the look on Sisko's face after he knocked Q down. Like "come on Q I know your omnipotent, that didn't hurt".

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

I don't know how you people went 3 pages without any Q quotes!

Q: "What must I do to convince you people?!?"
Worf: "Die."
Q: "Oh, very clever Worf. Eat any good books lately?"

"I'm not good in groups. It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent."

"Micro-brain! Give me a growl! Let me know you still care!"

"I've been under a lot a of pressure lately. Family problems."
"Considering I've never eaten before I must be very hungry."
"Picard and his lackey's would have solved this techno-babble hours ago."
"Weren't you one of the little people?"

 

[bluedana]

From ENT:

Archer: Hey, where were you at dinner? You missed T'Pol's latest bout with chopsticks.
Trip: Oooh, dinner AND a show.

 

[Ziz]

VOY, the crew beams down to 20th century Los Angeles in "period clothing" to look for Starling -

Tuvok: "We could have worn our Starfleet uniforms. I doubt anyone would have noticed."

 

[Red Ranger]

I always liked how Kirk teased Spock about how human he was becoming, or made a point to highlight when Spock was being emotional.

From Galilleo 7, Kirk is making the case that Spock panicked when he set the fuel on fire as an improvised flare.

KIRK: You're not going to admit that you had an emotional reaction, are you, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: No, sir.
KIRK: Mr. Spock, you are a stubborn man.
SPOCK: Yes, sir.

From Where No Man Has Gone Before, when Kirk beats Spock at chess.

KIRK: Have I ever mentioned you play an irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: Irritating? Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
(Kirk checkmates Spock. He looks perturbed)
KIRK: Certain you don't know what irritation is?
SPOCK: The fact that one of my ancestors married a human female . . .
KIRK: Terrible, having bad blood like that.

Red Ranger

 

[Kryton]

From Where No Man Has Gone Before, when Kirk beats Spock at chess.

KIRK: Have I ever mentioned you play an irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: Irritating? Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
(Kirk checkmates Spock. He looks perturbed)
KIRK: Certain you don't know what irritation is?
SPOCK: The fact that one of my ancestors married a human female . . .
KIRK: Terrible, having bad blood like that.

In the unaired version of that pilot (a shame they didn't release it as a bonus), Kirk continues on to say: "...but you MAY learn to enjoy it one day." before the call from the bridge comes through.

 

[Red Ranger]

From Where No Man Has Gone Before, when Kirk beats Spock at chess.

KIRK: Have I ever mentioned you play an irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: Irritating? Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
(Kirk checkmates Spock. He looks perturbed)
KIRK: Certain you don't know what irritation is?
SPOCK: The fact that one of my ancestors married a human female . . .
KIRK: Terrible, having bad blood like that.

In the unaired version of that pilot (a shame they didn't release it as a bonus), Kirk continues on to say: "...but you MAY learn to enjoy it one day." before the call from the bridge comes through.

Excellent additional line! I'm sure Shatner said it with a twinkle in his eye.

It seems stubborness is a Vulcan trait. Kirk mentions it again in Amok Time when he and Spock's mother, Amanda, are discussing the rift between Sarek and Spock, all because Spock joined Starfleet and not the Vulcan Science Academy.

KIRK: They're both . . . stubborn!
AMANDA: A human trait, Captain?

Red Ranger

 

[M'Sharak]

(Phlox and Archer, attempting to catch an escaped Pyrithian bat -- an unidentified liquid has been spilled on Phlox)

ARCHER: That stuff isn't poisonous, is it?
PHLOX: (tastes it) Naah, I'll be fine.

-------------------------------------

(finishing surgery on Porthos)

ARCHER: If Porthos pulls through, will he need a special diet or treatments having a chameleon's pituitary gland?
PHLOX: You may have trouble finding him. He'll have the ability to blend into his background when frightened.
(beat)
ARCHER: You're kidding.
(beat)
PHLOX: Yes, I am.

 

[bluedana]

(Phlox and Archer, attempting to catch an escaped Pyrithian bat -- an unidentified liquid has been spilled on Phlox)

ARCHER: That stuff isn't poisonous, is it?
PHLOX: (tastes it) Naah, I'll be fine.

-------------------------------------

(finishing surgery on Porthos)

ARCHER: If Porthos pulls through, will he need a special diet or treatments having a chameleon's pituitary gland?
PHLOX: You may have trouble finding him. He'll have the ability to blend into his background when frightened.
(beat)
ARCHER: You're kidding.
(beat)
PHLOX: Yes, I am.

The panicked look that crosses Archer's face and the weird silent laugh that Phlox gives just makes that scene. Good call.

 

[Cyke101]

Mirror O'Brien: "That Cruiser has us in weapons range. Do we make a run for it?"
Sisko: "We run alright, right at it!"
O'Brien: "Ahh! Pattern suicide."

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Just burst out laughing at DS9. Season 5 Ep 2
Random guy on away team; "I can't feel my legs"
Dax "Don't worry they're still there"
I guess you had to be there at the time

 

[mr.peany]

Oh, Take Me Out to the Holosuite is a hum-dinger:



O'Brien: Nog! He didn't touch the base!
Nog: What do I do?!
Worf: Find him and kill him!!

Oh, Worf. I love you so!

Good god, every time I see that scene I end up on the floor. Classic.

I also enjoy this exchange:
Data: How is your diplomatic assignment progressing ?
Worf: Fine.
Data: I have heard that in moments of diplomatic tension it is often helpful to find elements of commonality.
Worf: Mister Byleth is demanding, temperamental and rude.
Data: You share all of those qualities in abundance. Perhaps you should build on your similarities.
ST:TNG "Liaisons"

 

[Temis the Vorta]

I am not familiar with this quote, which series is it from?

TOS - "A Piece of the Action", if I'm not mistaken.

http://tos.trekcore.com/gallery/albums/2x17/pieceoftheaction_342.jpg

Check!

Right!

Sorry that took so long.

And kudos to Q for Chak's nickname: Chuckles.

 

[Atavachron]

I know some don't appreciate this, but I crack up everytime I hear it:

"Ode To Spot

by Data Soong

Felis Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature;
Your visual, olfactory and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion
O Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well developed cognitive array
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend."

Atavachron

 

[Timewalker]

I liked it until the part about Spot not being sentient.

 

[carenrose]

One that didn't actually make in on-screen (but should have):
From the 6th movie --

BONES: Bet you wish you'd stood in bed...
SPOCK: Vulcans sleep lying down...
(For a moment Bones buys it)
BONES: Spock, that was actually funny.
SPOCK: We DO sleep lying down.

And another, not quite as funny as most of the ones here:
RIKER: Fate protects fools, little children and ships named Enterprise.

Another ...
KIRA: If your lies are going to be this transparent, this is going to be a very short interrogation.
GUL DARHE'EL/whoever he was: Then I'll try to make my lies more opaque...

ODO: The Klingon, Doctor; what did you find?
BASHIR: He's still dead, if that's what you mean.

BASHIR: Nothing makes them happy! They are dedicated to being unhappy, and to spreading that unhappiness to others! They are the Ambassadors of Unhappy!

TUVOK: Do you know what a Vulcan mind meld is?
LON SUDER: It's that thing where you grab someone's head...

And I almost forgot:
ODO: Doctor, Get to the point.
BASHIR: I need to borrow a cup of goo.
ODO: Excuse me?
BASHIR: I'll give it back!

 

[Red Ranger]

From Where No Man Has Gone Before, when Kirk beats Spock at chess.

KIRK: Have I ever mentioned you play an irritating game of chess, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: Irritating? Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
(Kirk checkmates Spock. He looks perturbed)
KIRK: Certain you don't know what irritation is?
SPOCK: The fact that one of my ancestors married a human female . . .
KIRK: Terrible, having bad blood like that.

In the unaired version of that pilot (a shame they didn't release it as a bonus), Kirk continues on to say: "...but you MAY learn to enjoy it one day." before the call from the bridge comes through.

Excellent additional line! I'm sure Shatner said it with a twinkle in his eye.

It seems stubborness is a Vulcan trait. Kirk mentions it again in Amok Time when he and Spock's mother, Amanda, are discussing the rift between Sarek and Spock, all because Spock joined Starfleet and not the Vulcan Science Academy.

KIRK: They're both . . . stubborn!
AMANDA: A human trait, Captain?

Red Ranger

Actually, the ep is Journey to Babel! Ooppss! -- RR

 

[Ziz]

Just remembered another favorite from DS9

Bashir: (after telling Garak the story of "Peter and the wolf") "The point is that if you constantly lie, no one will believe you when you tell the truth."
Garak: "Are you sure that's the only point, doctor?"
Bashir: (confidently) "Of course. What else could it be?"
Garak: "Don't tell the same lie twice."