"Oh, god, she shit her pants again. I know she's been a Borg fora long time, but ... and why does she always ask me to clean it up?"
Contest: ENTER Voyager Caption Contest #245: The One With a Sentient Jellyfish In It
- Thread starter Orac
- Start date
"Oh, god, she shit her pants again. I know she's been a Borg fora long time, but ... and why does she always ask me to clean it up?"
"Oh, GOD! Turn off the Ass-Cam 3000!!!!!"
Orange is the new brown.
"On the plus side, now we know how many times we can hit the snooze button before we have to wake up."
Tuvok: "Captain, the alien planet has been destroyed, as ordered. Three billion lives were lost."
Mistress Janeway: "How much closer did the explosive force put us towards home?"
Tuvok: "Point 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000013 light years closer."
Mistress Janeway: "Worth it."
Kim: "I love what you've done to the place. Those nebulae really pop."
"And while I'm creating a distraction with you, Spock will sneak up and pinch the poor unsuspecting bystander."
"The poor unsuspecting who now?...ooooohhhh." *thump*
"As you can see, it's remarkably effective."
Tuvok: Indeed, and they'll always be on the monitors no matter how far we travel in the delta quadrant.
Kim: "I love what you've done to the place. Those nebulae really pop."
Tuvok: Chief Fart Officer's log, supplemental. After three months serving as Fart Cannon generator, I have finally devised a plan to force Captain Janeway to return me to my former duties. It required some reprogramming of the EMH...
EMH: No, this isn't my camera, you're right. It's a restraining field generator, Seven.
and a little surgery and telepathic brainwashing on Seven of Nine...
Seven: I will NOT be a fart machine! Release me!
but I am at last ready to end my disgrace.
Janeway: Captain's log, supplemental. Commander Tuvok has sabotaged the Fart Cannon and contamintated the entire ship with the stench.
Kim and Torres: <pounding on door> Let us in! For the love of God, LET US IN!!!
Janeway: Fortunately, with Seven's assistance I have managed to seal my ready room from the environmental system in time and am holed up with a working replicator. Despite his extortion attempt, Mr. Tuvok will remain as my Chief Fart Officer...
Seven, why are you standing with your ass aimed at me? Turn around!
Seven: Captain, I seem to be experiencing some odd sensations in my stomach, and an irresistable urge to...
Janeway: GOOD GOD! I need a strong coffee to clear the smell!
Tuvok: Tuvok to Janeway. By now Seven's reprogrammed Borg digestive tract should have delivered an amplified version of my Fart Cannon emissions. Destroy the Fart Cannon forever, or Seven has the telepathic suggestion to fart indefinitely in your sealed Ready Room. I have reconfigured the replicator to create only Neelix's Leola Root Curry. Resistance is futile.
Janeway: I'm a Starfleet Officer, Tuvok! I don't give in to blackmail nor weapons of ass destruction!
Tuvok: I have also deleted all but one copy of the coffee replication files. If you do not destroy the Fart Cannon immediately, I will purge the last copy.
Janeway: Janeway to Torres! He wins! Destroy the Fart Cannon!
EMH: No, this isn't my camera, you're right. It's a restraining field generator, Seven.
and a little surgery and telepathic brainwashing on Seven of Nine...
Seven: I will NOT be a fart machine! Release me!
but I am at last ready to end my disgrace.
Janeway: Captain's log, supplemental. Commander Tuvok has sabotaged the Fart Cannon and contamintated the entire ship with the stench.
Kim and Torres: <pounding on door> Let us in! For the love of God, LET US IN!!!
Janeway: Fortunately, with Seven's assistance I have managed to seal my ready room from the environmental system in time and am holed up with a working replicator. Despite his extortion attempt, Mr. Tuvok will remain as my Chief Fart Officer...
Seven, why are you standing with your ass aimed at me? Turn around!
Seven: Captain, I seem to be experiencing some odd sensations in my stomach, and an irresistable urge to...
Janeway: GOOD GOD! I need a strong coffee to clear the smell!
Tuvok: Tuvok to Janeway. By now Seven's reprogrammed Borg digestive tract should have delivered an amplified version of my Fart Cannon emissions. Destroy the Fart Cannon forever, or Seven has the telepathic suggestion to fart indefinitely in your sealed Ready Room. I have reconfigured the replicator to create only Neelix's Leola Root Curry. Resistance is futile.
Janeway: I'm a Starfleet Officer, Tuvok! I don't give in to blackmail nor weapons of ass destruction!
Tuvok: I have also deleted all but one copy of the coffee replication files. If you do not destroy the Fart Cannon immediately, I will purge the last copy.
Janeway: Janeway to Torres! He wins! Destroy the Fart Cannon!
Seven: Captain, why did you ask me to replicate this ultra secure safe in secret?
Janeway: Seven, this safe now stores the ship's entire surplus store of rank pips. Harry Kim must never be allowed to get his hands on one, or the entire galaxy will implode. I hereby swear you to secrecy!
Seven: I am curious, Captain. Exactly why will the galaxy implode if Ensign Kim is promo--
Janeway: Because I say it will, that's why. Now bury this somewhere in Tuvok's bathroom.
LATER THAT DAY...
Harry finds the box and uses one of 7's Borg programs to get it open...
Harry finds the box and uses one of 7's Borg programs to get it open...
Stop pressing that! It's not a button, it's my nipple!
"But I wanted creamer with my coffee!"
LATER THAT DAY...
Harry finds the box and uses one of 7's Borg programs to get it open...
Worth it!
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