Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #528: I'll just sit over here

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to our new caption contest!

First up to the plate, "Can we get wardrobe over here, please?" Award, going to Smellincoffee for:

Marina Sirtis: If they don't let me wear clothes tomorrow, I'm quitting.


Next, we have the "Ethical Program off-line" Award, going to Leviathan for:

Data: <whispering> If you let me go, you may keep the Organic Females


Next, we have the "Yet we still make the joke" Award, going to Herkimer Jitty for:

Picard: "-and as you can see, Data's OPS station runs on Android OS. Android OS!"

Worf: "Captain, the year 2010 is hailing us. They want their joke back."


Next, we have the "You can see that, right?" Award, going to Mojochi for:

La Forge: It's right over there behind that ultraviolet resonance field. You can't miss it


Next, we have the "Dangerous Relics" Award, going to tharpdevenport for:

Data: "Commander, I believe we have located the stolen Galaxy Note 7 the Smithsonian reported missing."



The Photoshop Award goes to Zombie Cheerleader for:

RIKER: I think we took a wrong turn back there

The Award goes to Shivkala for:

Riker: Commander's log--it seems the plot is destroying itself in an act of mercy. This does not bode well for the rest of our missions.

Our KBL goes to CorporalCaptain for:

Geordi: The Disco's over there, on All Access.


Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, in the new contest, sometimes we have to fill in for our coworkers. This contest has our crew helping out by taking on jobs or consoles that they normally wouldn't.

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: You let WESLEY work the ops station?!

Worf: (thinking) What's a "standard" orbit?

Riker: Captain, I've got the holodecks back online. I diverted power from life support.

Picard: (over comm) Mister Worf, hand my the hyperspanner.

Worf: (over comm) Which one is that?

La Forge: Job switching was a great idea, Commander.

Data: The Hathaway has launched an attack on our computer system. The replicator patter for Earl Grey tea has been deleted.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Report, Number One.
RIKER: They're just standing there, sir.
PICARD: Get the Klingon up there. Maybe he knows what to do.

DATA: I am not sure what Commander Riker got on this console or how. But I would recommend a full decontamination protocol.

 

[Mr Soak]

Cheif Engineer's Log: I've programmed Data's console to make cat noises when he presses buttons, as ordered. I've also programmed funny cat videos to randomly play on the main view screen.

 

[Herbert]

Worf: Let's see. Punch in the code the ferengi gave me, enter my latinum account number, create username, 'KlingonUranus' and hit enter! YES! Klingon porn!

ALTERNATE CAPTION
Worf: Let's see. Punch in the code the ferengi gave me, enter my latinum account number, create username, 'KlingonUranus' and hit enter! Gah! Pakled porn?? <frantic button pushing> ABORT! ABORT!

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: We'll need a volunteer to go on this away mission to the planet for the ambassadorial ritual jello wrestling match. Preferably someone with experience in honor code fight matches; and fighting off attacks of a sexual nature of, I don't know, rape gangs or something.
Data: I volunteer, sir.
Picard: Anyone? Any crew member at all? Perhaps standing at the tactical station?
Data: I said I volunteer, sir. Lieutenant Data, volunteering at the tactical station.
Picard: OH VERY WELL DATA
Riker: A little slow on the uptake, there, Yar!
Yar: YOU NEVER WRESTLE A RAPE GANG IN JELLO!
...
Well, hardly ever.

Picard: Helm, what is our current warp speed?
Worf: KLINGON WARRIORS USE KELLICAMS SIR!
Picard: Very well, what is our current kellicam rate of speed?
Worf: We are traveling at 8,000 kellicams per hour, sir.
Picard: Oh. Is that fast?
Worf: FAST ENOUGH TO BLOW THE HULL PLATING OFF A FRAMPLEXIAN BATTLE CORVETTE, SIR!!!
Picard: Can you calculate how fast that is in warp speed, exactly?
Worf: ........Not a chance in Grethor, SIR!

Riker: DON'T GIVE ME THE BILATERAL KELILACTIRALS BEING SLAVED TO THE PRIMARY HEISENFRAM TERMINAL ROUTINE! I INVENTED THE BILATERAL KELILACTIRALS BEING SLAVED TO THE PRIMARY HEISENFRAM TERMINAL ROUTINE!

Riker: So how do you like Ops, Geordi?
Geordi: Well, it's pretty good, actu -
Riker: ENOUGH CHAT, IT'S TIME FOR LUUUUUNNNNGES!!!!

Data: Commander Riker has an interesting search history here. "How to get your coworkers to shut up"... "How to win an argument with an AI" ... "How to disable an android"..."How to short circuit a positronic network"... "How to buy an android-killing ray gun" .... "Best evil planets for selling used robot parts".... "How to convert an android head into a ashtray"... "How to go back in time and kill a mad scientist before he creates his invention" .... "How to go back in time and kill a mad scientist before he creates his invention, without creating a grandfather paradox...."

 

[Hutchy01]

Riker: Let's see. Punch in the code the ferengi gave me, enter my latinum account number, create username, 'KlingonUranus' and hit enter! YES! Klingon porn!

 

[Herbert]

Picard: Commander, enter the time travel calculations into the computer.
Data: Calculations entered Captain
Picard: Engage
Data: Aye, Captain
Switch to viewscreen shot of fancy schmancy and trippy CGI effects. Switch back to Data and Picard after 30 seconds.
Data: Captain, we have arrived at Earth in the 21st Century
Picard: Excellent. Use sensors to locate THE TREK BBS servers.
Data: Servers located.
Picard: Target photon torpedoes and fire! We'll put an end to these caption contests once and for all
Data: Why so serious?



ALTERNATE CAPTION
Picard: Commander, enter the time travel calculations into the computer and engage!
Data: <imitating Sherman, after a study of 20th century cartoon shows> Where are we going today, Mr Peabody?

 

[Herbert]

Data: <whispering> ......and then Barclay called Kolrami, "Kohlrabi" which was ironic considering that Barclay was once referred to as "Broccoli"....
Picard: <Tunes out Data, thinking> hmmm, I wonder how many names of crew members I can change into something food related? Yarfruit? Gourdi LaForge? Miles Potatoes O'Brien? Banana Troi? Pho Laren?

 

[Herbert]

Frakes: <thinking> Get up LeVar. Get up. How can I do my patented 'go over the back of the chair and then sit down move' if you're sitting in it? Don't you have a rainbow to read??? Get up! GET UUUUPPPPP, DAMNIT!!!

 

[Mr Soak]

Riker: When you suggested a keyboard duet, this isn't what I had in mind.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Picard: "I sense a disturbance in the force..."
Riker: "Did one of you just-"
Data: "I am quite incapable of-"
Yar: "Really, Commander?"
Troi: (thinking) "It's the hairdo, isn't it?"

 

[Jedman67]

Riker: "Deanna, Take the helm!"
DIRECTOR: "CUT!!"

Yar: "Remember when we had to stop and ask for directions at Starbase 7"?
Worf: "I KNOW where we are going!!"
Yar: "Fine!!"
Worf: "What?"
Yar: "Nothing."
Worf: "Do you have a problem or suggestion, LIEUTENANT?"
Yar: "It's ok. Do whatever you want."
Worf: <KLINGON SCREAMING!>

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

When you're doing schoolwork and pretending not to notice your seatmate...

 

[Tenacity]

Picard was having considerable trouble as the judge in the Whose Paler contest

 

[tharpdevenport]

Data: "Captain, after hours of rigorous research, I believe I not only found out who wrote the Book of Love, but also who put the bomp in the bomppa bomppa bomp. I believe continued research will show who put the ram in the ramma-lamma ding dong."

Picard: "Some how this is Will's fault..."

 

[Leviathan]

Data: It's no use Captain. I cannot get these displays to rotate like they did in the first season.

 

[Leviathan]

TFTW!

Riker: Excuse me? I believe you have my stapler?

 

[Leviathan]

Picard, Riker, Data, Troi, Crusher, LaForge <comms>: We're Under attack! Beam us back! NOW!
Yar: Security is in charge now. When one of you gets needlessly vaporized I'll energize.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PATRICK STEWART: Yes, I see the X. Sir Patrick Stewart doesn't NEED blocking.

WORF: Tasha, you're the ranking officer on the Bridge, why don't you sit in the Captain's chair?
TASHA: The producers said it would make the audience uncomfortable.
WORF: **** that, it's the 80s!

RIKER: So...do you like...stuff?

RIKER: Geordi, I have a special mission for you. Find out if there's a way I can erase Ensign Ro's memory again.
RO: Commander, I can hear you.

DATA: The smarm readings...they're off the charts!
PICARD: Computer, activate smarm containment field.
KOLRAMI: I disabled them days ago. STRATEGY!