The power behind the throne? Code of Honor seemed to show the men in positions of power, only at the end do we find out that the women hold authority over the men.But she specifically says this is the place of the Vulcan woman
When Sarek perceives Amada may have embarrassed Spock, he said "not even a mother may do this." This was step beyond whatever power Amada did possess in Vulcan society.
Whether there would be kalifee rested in the hands of T'Pring, not Spock. Males couldn't challange the selection of the bride. But the bride could with the groom.