TNG Caption This! #416: Second String

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! New contest time!

First up to the plate, we have the "Outwitted by the Groundskeeper" Award, going to:

Picard: "...oh, when you said, 'Can you dig it?' you weren't being literal."

Next, we have the "Attempts at communication" Award, going to:

Data: I am French. Cannot you tell by my outrageous accent. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of Elderberries. I fart in your general direction.

Next, we have the "Difficult Explanations" Award, going to:

The language barrier made Picard's attempts to explain the infield fly rule even more awkward.

Next, we have "The Expendable" Award, going to:

WESLEY: Dirgo, why aren't you coming?
DIRGO: I'm not stupid, your ship has certainly answered to a distress call and your Captain can't be killed at this point of the season. In other words, I'm the one who has to put you in trouble and then die.

Next, we have the "To Phaser Strange New Worlds..." Award, going to:

Ensign: "How beautiful! These grounds are exquisitely landscaped!"
Worf: "Indeed. Now take your phaser and burn us a path through that foliage."

Some Special Awards, before we continue, every time a picture of Picard & Dathon pops up in the contest, I know we're in for a lot of great captions using metaphorical communications. We had some AMAZING entries on this, and the three winners of our Metaphorical Captions are:

Picard: Skywalker. His target small, his faith vast.

And...

PICARD: How do I put this. Hulk and Loki in New York. If you don't send me back to my ship RIGHT F***ING NOW!

And...

Picard: Risan massage, the ending happy.

Great Creativity in our Photoshops, both of these are winners!

Wesley: "Look at these blast marks..."

Dirgo: "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise."

WESLEY: I think it's the Heisenberg Compensator.

Dathon: Captain's Log, I hate to admit it, but my first officer was right, it is hilarious to see them try to talk in metaphors! We should try this more often on other gullible species!

Data: I do not have any change for you, but I do have a fist if you don't leave me alone.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, a contest for our recurring characters, who I freely admit don't always get a lot of attention here in the contests. So, Miles O'Brien, Guinan, Ro Laren, Reginald Barclay, Alyssa Ogawa and Kathrine Pulaski, enjoy your contest!

Have fun!

 

[LeadHead]

Barclay: Engage.

O'Brien: It's 'Energize" and you're at my station.

Ro: Why are you so happy to see me?

Guinan: I'm excited that we'll finally have someone at the CONN besides Wesley who will appear in more than 3 episodes.

Picard: All right, be on your best behavior everyone. Mister O'Brien, beam aboard the delegation from Supermodel IV.

Ogawa: I'm reading some sort of parasite inside him.

Crusher: That's impossible! I haven't inserted the Trill Symbiont yet!

Riker: (thinking) Maybe I should have come in for a checkup after that party on Risa...

La Forge: According to our analysis, somebody's set the replicator to spike the Captain's Earl Grey Tea with Johnny Walker Blue.

Data: This may explain why the Captain has been performing the Picard Maneuver on furniture this week.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

O'BRIEN: Hey, Reg! Are you a hologram?
BARCALAY: What? No, I'm not a hologram.
O'BRIEN: Oh, good. Then I need you to contact the bridge. Tell them holographic O'Brien has just become sentient, and he could sure use any progress they've made on the Moriarty thing.
BARCALAY: ...Wait, wait. We're in the holodeck right now?
O'BRIEN: You didn't know?
BARCALAY: If you're messing with me right now, you're a bad person.

GUINAN: Yeah, I spent hundreds of years on Earth. In the 21st Century I even hosted a talk show called The View.

PULASKI: (Oh my God. When I told him that was the new men's dress uniform he actually believed me.)

RIKER ODAN: I still remember you, Doctor Beverly.
BEVERLY: Alyssa? ...Full STD panel, stat.

RIKER: So, I read that alcohol acts on the same receptors in your brain as anxiety medication. Does anyone here have anxiety issues? Anyone?
GEORDI: Commander, just no.

 

[shivkala]

I'm in no way sucking up by saying, "Thanks for the win, Leadhead, as well as for these wonderful pictures to caption. You're the best."

Barclay: And another thing, stop calling me, "Reg." I've told you people, I'm to be referred to as the "Barc Master..."

O'Brien: Uh, Lt., they beamed out a good minute ago, no one can hear you except me.

Guinan: ...so I convinced Yar to join the Enterprise C on a suicide mission. Except, you know what? They didn't actually die, they were taken prisoner by Romulans, and she became a consort to a General. Not too far from the Rape Gangs she escaped, but at least it was somewhat consensual.

Ro: And you're telling me this, why?

Guinan: Oh, no reason. 'Cept I seem to have a bit of a bad streak with short-haired, female officers. And I haven't even mentioned what happened to Pulaski yet. We don't talk about what happened to Pulaski.

Ro: *gulp*

Picard: The ambassador is sure to be impressed to see my new dress uniform and a bunch of non-important people looking like shlubs. Is it too late to get you all to either dress up or vacate the transporter room?

O'Brien: ...it is now, sir.

Picard: Merde.

Ogawa: Nurse's Log, I'm afraid that we might have another "Shades of Grey" situation here. Before she left, Dr. Pulaski left a standing order for all sickbay personnel to shoot Commander Riker if that were to happen again...

Riker: The Captain wanted me to remind everyone that due to mechanical issues, we're rationing water. He said to tell you that we're enacting "California Draught 2015" protocols, which include, but are not limited to taking to social media to shame those wasting water and drinking our own urine. Please, think before you waste water people!
http://www.trekbbs.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Smellincoffee]

And thus began the first ever meeting of the Transporter Chiefs Union, Local #001.

Ro: You're telling me Worf, the big bad security guard, drinks PRUNE JUICE?
Guinan: Well, yes and no. Prune juice is code for vodka with a splash of prune juice.

Crusher, OS: You people look so happy to see me.

Crusher: Commander, it's good to see you. You've been in that coma for four months. I'm afraid a growth has overtaken your face in the meantime, but I'm confident we'll find a cure.

Riker: And remember, when you ask for the prune juice, try to look like Worf giving Guinan a conspiratoral smirk.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Gerodi: "It's a cup, commander."

Riker: "Oh. Do we have those in the 24th century?"

Picard's secret late-night trist had gone unnoticed, or so he thought, until he discovered he wore the party's dress uniform. Eventually somebody would look down and realize where the captain had been at 0900 hours...

 

[Ithekro]

During one of his regular episodes, 'Howling Mad' Murdock would start to tell tales to the other patients about is days fighting the good fight from the Los Angeles underground with his army buddies. On this particular day, the 'Ranting Irishman' O'Brien, stopped to listen, indicated his medication might be worked for a change.

Ro: What do you mean, 'I am of Bajor'?

Spot the Frenchman.

If you said the guy in grey you would be wrong.

If you said the guy in red, you would find out this is in fact a trick question, there are no Frenchmen on the Enterprise.

Riker: I take it Worf took it rather well?

Crusher: Well he didn't kill you for arranging a surprise party with blackjack and hookers.

Riker: It took ages to find that many Klingon card dealers.

In 2369 a crack Starfleet team were arrested for a crime they mostly didn't commit (via time travel). They immediately escaped from Starbase 9 in a Galaxy-class Starship run by a Frenchman. If you are in trouble. If no one will help you, and you can find them, maybe you can hire, the Away-Team.

Geordi "Moderately Annoyed" La Forge
John "Data" Smith
"Howlin' Mad" Barclay
William "Face Time" Riker

 

[Triskelion]

THX Leadhead! That contest was full of win!

Broccoli: Oh hello, Chief Bowels O'Moanin.
O'Moanin: So what have you been doing all shift, coming up with that nickname?
Broccoli: Oh no sir. I've made nicknames for all the crew. Let's see, there's Jean Ponce de León, Number One Jerko, Counselor Sweater Puppies, Foreskin LaDouche, Commander Gaydar, Doctor Beaver Squeezer and her son Weenie Squeezer, Ensign Low Rearend, and Guy-Man.
O'Moanin: Nice. What about Keiko Ishikawa?
Broccoli: Crack Ho Instant Camera.
O'Moanin: That's racist. But - nailed it.

Guinan: Space Simon, bitch - do you play it?

Wesley: Prom's tomorrow night, sir.
Picard: ...merde.

Crusher: You see Ogawa? There's an inverse relationship between hairline width and forward time travel. The thinner and straighter the beard, the further into the future we can convince him he's traveled when he wakes up.
Ogawa: But - why do something like that?
Crusher: To see how he handles Weird Beard Syndrome.
Ogawa: So, medical research then.
Crusher: Medical research.

Riker: One for the homies.
Geordi: What homies?!

 

[tharpdevenport]

Sudden Terrifying Shock: That moment when you realize it wasn't a leg Guinan just "accidently" brushed against you.....

 

[hux]

TFTW

O'Brien: Beaming people over then asking them to pull your finger is not how we do things Reg.

Guinan: It's a Romulan sex toy. I'll show you how it works after you finish your glass of rohypnol.

Worf: Captain is wearing a dress
O'Brien: lol, I know, trying to keep a straight face
Wesley: I think it looks good
Picard: Shut up Wesley

Crusher: I've tried every test I can think of but can't find what's wrong with you
Ogawa: Hang on Beverley, my tricorder says....smug douchbag syndrome.

Riker: I like it. What was it?
La Forge: My urine sample

 

[Rat Boy]

Barclay: "Uh...Chief, I...I...I didn't beam their clothes down with them."

O'Brien: "Since they're beaming to a Betazoid wedding, you're probably forgiven, but this is the last time I'm letting you play with the console!"

Guinan: "...and that's why I've always been attracted to bald men."

Picard: "Welcome aboard the Enterprise, Ambassador Phallus...er...Fellus...sorry..."

Crusher: "Let me guess, Data's cat?"

Riker: "No."

Crusher: "Cactus in the arboretum?"

Riker: "No."

Crusher: "Alien torture machines?"

Riker: "No."

Crusher: "Then I give up. What scratched you this time?"

Riker: "I was shaving. Does it always have to be something crazy?"

Data: "It is a glass filled with equal volumes of liquid and air."

LaForge: "His optimism/pessimism chip's broken again."

 

[Nerys Myk]

BARCLAY: Umm...

O'BRIEN: Relax, Lieutenant. Edosians are supposed to have three arms.

RO (thinking): Don't stare at the hat......Don't stare at the hat......Don't stare at the hat......

RIKER: You nerds ever have Sex on the Beach?
........yeah, I didn't think so.

OGAWA: We really gonna do this?

CRUSHER: Yep, we're shaving his entire body!

 

[Nerys Myk]

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Ro: "Another one? Wow, this is the fourth drink that nice man at the bar has sent me! Please be sure to tell him I said 'thank you.'"
Guinan: "You really don't get how this works, do you."

Pulaski: "Well, since everyone else is apparently too embarrassed to say anything, I guess I will. Commander, what happens on Risa stays on Risa. And that should include embarrassingly obvious erections."

Ogawa (checking tricorder): "He's exhausted."
Riker: "I can't get any sleep. I keep waking up in a cold sweat. These dreams..."
Crusher: "What kind of dreams?"
Riker: "Disturbingly violent dreams. With lots of kinky S&M. With me and...and Nurse Ogawa."
*awkward pause*
Ogawa: "Perhaps I should leave."
Crusher: "That's probably a good idea."
Riker: "Thank you, Nurse."
Ogawa: "You'll record this, though, so I can watch it later, right?"
Crusher (sighs): "Fine."

 

[Armored Saint]

PICAD: Shut up, I'm a princess!

 

[Mojochi]

Barclay: So, technically, when I rematerialize, It will be an entirely different me

O'Brien: I certainly am hoping so, Sir.

Ro: No, it's fine, but the way Worf described it, I expected this prune juice to do something special

Guinan: Oh it will. Give it time

Captain's Personal Log. Apparently, I was misled by Ensign Crusher into thinking his mother was returning to the Enterprise because she missed me

Crusher: There. It's the girliest blanket I could find. I hope you're happy

Geordi: No question about it, Commander. The Earl Grey is definitely not hot

Riker: Damn, I was just beginning to like this ship

 

[Hutchy01]

Barclay: I love it when a person re-materialises together!

Picard (thinking): I am a serious, Experienced Captain and I'm talking to the ambassador of the fucking 'Worm-people'. (For the international readers this is a reference to a scene from mock the week called a line you would never hear on star trek where it was 'I'm a serious Shakespearean actor and I'm talking to ... well you know the rest!)

Riker: Mister Barclay I need you to take this urine test for me!

 

[huskers57]

Chief O'Brien: I know this is difficult for you. Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: No.
Chief O'Brien: Have you ever been in a transporter before?
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: Yes. No.
Chief O'Brien: Which one?
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: Yes, but she, it wasn't. It wasn't really a transporter.
Chief O'Brien: Most people find a transporter chief intimidating at first. It's okay if you feel that way toward me.
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: Not at all.
Chief O'Brien: Now, lean back, close your eyes.
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: Why?
Chief O'Brien: I want to make you more comfortable.
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: You do?
Chief O'Brien: Yes.
[He dims the lights and stands next to him]
Chief O'Brien: It's okay. Close your eyes.
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: What are you going to do?
Chief O'Brien: Just listen to the sound of my voice. Take a slow deep breath in through your nose and let it out through your mouth just as slowly. That's better, isn't it?
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: [standing up] Much better. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, that's, that's much better. That is extremely helpful. Thank you for your time.
Chief O'Brien: But...
Lt. Reginald 'Reg' Barclay III: Really. That's very helpful. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I'm going to practice that and I'll let you know. Thank you again.

It's not door to heaven... it's Stargate.

Ogawa: The first step in an operation like this is....

<checks the book>

Ogawa: to shave the patient.

Geordi LaForge - The Galaxy's Most Interesting Man

 

[Nebusj]

O'Brien: ``Are ... are you saying 'oil can'?''

Ro: ``I thought that was your Nintendo GamePyramid on the table. It's not?''

You know, with all that acoustic foam lining the walls the transporter room probably makes a good recording studio too.

Crusher: ``His condition is stabilized, but he's still oozing this strange sparkly-silvery thing down his chest and arm.''

LaForge: ``So, the staff party consists of one small plastic cup of lukewarm Vernor's, that Riker gets. I gotta get out of this ship.''

 

[tharpdevenport]

Riker: "That was the wankest rum I've ever tasted."

Geordi: "Ah, commander, that was the specimen cup Dr. Crusher gave me."