TNG Caption This! #415: The Great Outdoors

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, time for a new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Not in any way a remake of a classic gag" Award, going to:

Data: Now remember, do not shoot until we assess the interior of this room.
Worf: Shoot and assess the interior of the room. Got it.
Data: DO NOT shoot until we have first assessed the interior of this room.
Worf: Do NOT shoot the interior of the room first. Got it.
Data: Do NOT shoot before we assess the contents of whatever is in the interior of this room.
Worf: Do NOT assess the contents while shooting unless they are in the interior of this room.
Data: Just - do not shoot at all!
Worf: Do not shoot at all the contents of this room.
Data: DO NOT SHOOT ANYTHING AT ALL EVER IN THIS ROOM.
Worf: Fine! I got it. Can we go in now?
Data: Very well.
Worf: Stun whatever is in the room, so we can shoot it later.
Data: How you ever got through the interview questions at that Klingon beauty pageant I will never know.

Next, we have the "Mixed Messages" Award, going to:

Dr Crusher: We come in peace.

Worf: Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill!

Next, we have "The most evil of evil plans" Award, going to:

LOCUTUS: Your cat will be captivated by this little red dot for hours. Resistance is futile.

Next, we have the "Princeton Plainsboro" Award, going to:

Gowron: Worf, this 21st-century television program you showed me, is truly a work of art. This "Hugh Laurie" is a man of honor!

Worf: So you enjoyed that peek at the Federation cultural database, then?

Gowron: Absolutely! Glory to you...and your "House"!!!

Next, we have the "Food, glorious food" Award, going to:

Data: "Regrettably, I have been singularly unsuccessful in persuading any of these wealthy banquet attendees to donate any of their food to the orphanage."
Guinan: "Don't worry about it. I've got two whole hams shoved up my sleeves. Let's blow this joint!"

Second Officer's Log: I've gotten trapped in the late 19th Century, with no way of getting back to the 24th Century. With the help of Guinan of this period, I have assumed an new identity, a Dr. Brakish Okun. I don't believe this is the past of my 24th Century but an alternate past. I'm curious to how it might turn out.

As a Special Treat, I've decided to give out 4 KBL's this week!

SHELBY: I give one simple order,"Shoot out the lights" and you idiots can't even get that done!

Gowron: The Federation may be weak, but its razors are commendable. I have never seen a closer shave. And no irritation?

Shelby: "Well, I guess we know now the brown colored pyramids are waste extraction nodes."

Data: Doctor? Commander? I suspect your glares of disapproval are having little effect on them. Perhaps stronger measures are required.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now with the end (Or very soon ending for some) of the 2014-15 school year, that means it's Summertime! A good time for getting outside! So this contest will feature our heroes out on location instead of redresses of the same areas of the "Planet Hell" Soundstage.

Enjoy the sunshine! (Wear sunscreen)

Happy Captioning!

 

[LeadHead]

Captain's Log Supplemental. As punishment for my repeated violations of the Prime Directive, I've been temporarily reassigned to be the Academy Groundskeepers assistant. In other news, the crew is laughing every time I walk by.

Data: Could you explain to me why I'm still here? Another photo from this episode was used in the last caption contest.

Picard: ...So Wolverine uses Kitty Pryde's Time Travel ability to go back to 1973 where he encounters me, Hank, Raven and Erik. Now, you'd think we'd be working together on this, but let me tell you what happens next...

Wesley was dismayed that this was the closest parking to the Coachella Music and Arts Festival.

Worf: I heard there were ripe raspberries that way. Don't come back without a lot of them!

 

[Gepard]

Wesley: "Look at these blast marks..."

Dirgo: "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise."

 

[tharpdevenport]

Data: "Ah, okay, I think I understand now. So you say you grasp the penis like this, firmly and..."

Picard: "Picard and penis at Red Light district. Hooker and Picard at motel room, with penis so big."

Picard: "...and we were always like, 'Shut up, Wesley!', but he wopuld never shut up.

"So, then what did you do?"

Picard: "Ah, well, so then I got a shovel and some flower seeds and--"

"So, this wasn't a friendly get together to plant a flower bed?"

Picard: "No."

"Eh, I needed fertilizer anyway."

 

[Ithekro]

Boothby: Who are you calling Martian, Limey!

Picard: I'm French.

Data: I am looking for the San Francico Naval Yard.

Man 1: There's no naval ship yard in San Francisco. There's the one out on Mare Island, or you could go to Hunter's Point if you need work.

Data: I am looking for the USS Enterprise.

Man 2: What that old thing? She's got to be back in New York or Boston these days. Old thing's a training ship.

Data: Must be Captain Spock's ship. 23rd Century. I must get to the Presidio at once.

Man 1: Well just head north until you run into water, can't miss it.

Picard: Skywalker. His target small, his faith vast.

I've had worse.

Data: They said they want a shrubbery?

Worf: Yes. A nice with with a two layer effect with a path running down the middle of it. I've sent the ensign to investigate past the palm trees.

 

[Triskelion]

TFTW Leadhead!

Boothby: Name me any five French people, and you can't say Napolean.
Picard: Uhhn, let's see...there's Pepé LePew....
Boothby: Uh huh, I thought so.

Data: Do either of you gentlemen know where I could find a plus-sized showgirl's clothing shop? I lost my ass in a poker game.

Picard: Beverly, her robe open....

Captain: I don't care if it's a matter of survival, kid, it's too soon to suggest drinking your own urine!

Ensign: Beautiful scenery, nobody around, and none of us have gotten any action for months. So why do you both insist on spending this away mission watching out for snakes??
Worf: Shhhh...Shhhhh.....

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Boothby: "Aloha!"

 

[shivkala]

Boothby: Oh, you're that annoying Picard kid...yeah, I remember.

Picard: But, you encouraged me and helped me finish Starfleet Academy.

Boothby: Yeah, and where do they send cadets who graduated? Far, far away from me!

Data: San Francisco in the 20th Century? In that case, to fit in, can you gentlemen direct me to the nearest S&M Shop?

Dathon: Captain's Log, I hate to admit it, but my first officer was right, it is hilarious to see them try to talk in metaphors! We should try this more often on other gullible species!

Wesley: What are you doing up there?

Dirgo: Trying to get some sleep, I've seen a beagle do something like this once.

Worf's insistence that the female security officers skinny-dip in the nearby water earned him a month of sensitivity training.

http://www.trekbbs.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Dathon: "Picard, his fishing boasts absurd."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

The language barrier made Picard's attempts to explain the infield fly rule even more awkward.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: How can you not know "Row Row Row Your Boat"? It's a classic!

DATA: For an unknown world, with no sentient life forms, this lawn is well maintained

PICARD: Have you always used the pretense of being a sage old man, as a way to get others to do your work for you?

BOOTHBY: And you're just catching on to this now?

DATA: I would be glad to play "Peter", but we will need a "Micky" to successfully cosplay the Monkees.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "So, this is the very first garden you ever planted here at Starfleet Academy? What made you decide to place it beside this footbridge?"
Boothby: "Well, I was a much younger man then. And Starfleet was still using those little mini-skirt uniforms."

 

[Rat Boy]

Picard: "...oh, when you said, 'Can you dig it?' you weren't being literal."

Data: "I'm looking for someone with a snake."

19th Century Person: "Well look no further, sailor!"

Picard: "To answer your question, about this long."

Dirgo: "Get off the sand, you twit! I saw worm sign!"

Worf: "That's the fifth Betazoid wedding we've accidentally crashed, Data."

Data: "It still seems the most likely place to find Commander Riker."

 

[Hutchy01]

Dathon, bored to sleep!

 

[Nerys Myk]

Dathon, his unease apparent

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Dathon, his Chili Cookoff Night backfiring.

 

[Ithekro]

Picard: No, if we want them to see us from orbit we need to make the camp fire this wide. Any smaller and the senors won't pick it up.

 

[Rat Boy]

Dathon, his hemorrhoid ruptured.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: Boothby! I'm in need of some worldly wisdom, are you still the 'Magical senior' around here?

MAN: Take me down to New Vertiform City where the skin is green and the droids are pretty. Oh won't you please take us home!
DATA: Data to Captain. The new life form has evolved dorkiness!

PICARD: How do I put this. Hulk and Loki in New York. If you don't send me back to my ship RIGHT F***ING NOW!

DIRGO: You have no idea how to survive on your own out there, kid. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to sit in the direct sunlight and drink strong alcohol.

WORF: Data! Just take a drop so we can get on with the game!
DATA: No. I can hit the ball out of the water.

 

[Rat Boy]

Alan Carter: "I used to be a pretty good moon shuttle pilot. Then Commander Koenig fired me, then my girlfriend dumped me, then I discovered whiskey..."