Women's mixed signals (or are there none?)

[FPAlpha]

Yeah... i'm 35 and with women i still feel like a teenager sometimes.

See.. there's this woman, my best friend actually. We've known each other for about 10 years now (maybe even more.. can't remember exactly) and during the first years she was "just" a buddy.. she had relations with other men, a hot affair with a buddy of mine (and he spilled some juicy secrets for which she have probably killed him had she known ) etc and all this time i went "Go girl! Get some!" because she was just a buddy with breasts.

Now obviously this has changed.. a few years ago i realized i had fallen in love with her (she was single for quite some time too and me as well) and it took me ages to get enough courage to come clean to her. Since real life is not Hollywood we didn't ride out into the sunset but she said she doesn't feel like this about me and it hurt of course. Over the next months and years we went on with the friendship and never spoke of it again though i still have deep feelings for her but i guess she assumes i've fallen out of love and become best friends and that this is settled (not for me but she doesn't know that).

Well.. over the last few months i noticed something has changed and i don't know why. We've always been close but somehow tearms of endearment have crept into our conversations like honey, sweety etc and most recently a german pre "I Love you" version that's pretty teenager level but still above normal conversation words (hard to explain since i don't know an english equivalent.. it's a teenager way to say i love you without actually spelling it out).

As i said.. i'm an idiot when it comes to women and feel like i'm 13 again and i wonder what happened for her to change so subtly.

I don't want to get my hopes up in the slightest and a big part of me (the rational part) is claiming she's just gotten way comfortable in out friendship to not think twice about this but a tiny part hopes there's more to it.

I just don't know.. any helpful advice or some wisdom?

And before anyone asks.. no, i will not risk our friendship again by re-opening a supposedly closed love file. I value her dearly and i'd rather have her like this in my life than not at all.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

Maybe next time she uses one of those terms, you can comment lightly. Something like, "Hmm, we didn't used to say things like that." If she doesn't respond, move on to the next (or the original) conversation.

 

[infinix]

How does this woman have any other close friends? How does she treat her other close male friends?

If she indeed treats you differently, it shouldn't hurt your friendship to sit her down and ask her what's going on.

If she treats all her close male friends the same way, then you should just move on and seek someone else.

 

[RoJoHen]

I suggest you get her drunk, flirt with her, and see if she flirts back.

(mostly kidding)

 

[SmoothieX]

When I found a woman whose signals were not mixed to me, I married her. Understanding goes a long way.

 

[Shatnertage]

^ On a related note (to RoHoJen's post), try this line if you're out at a bar or drinking together at home, when it comes time for another round:

"I'd better stop...I get way too flirtatious when I'm drunk."

If she says, "Bartender, make it a double," you're home free. If not, you know where you stand without having made any embarrassing declarations.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

^^ All good advice. I can totally understand why you don't want to jepodise the friendship, but with your feelings towards her and the different signals I think you should investigate further.

Are there any friends in common that you could ask advice from? Tactfully, of course!

Man and I were friends for months before we got together, he with 'further intentions' but scared to declare them.

One night, it just happened, we kissed and we've been happily together for 6 years.

I really hope your story ends up as happily.

Give it a try FPA, but carefully. Viel Glück.

 

[nevermore]

Well, as a female who has several long-term (as in over 15 years), entirely platonic friendships with dudes, I suggest you get over it or, if you can't, let the friendship go. It's deceptive to pretend you're cool with being friends when you're really obsessing over whether everything she says and does means she's interested in you. She thinks she can let her guard down around you, but apparently she can't, and that's unfair to her.

Look, you told her how you felt, she didn't feel the same way, and that means either a) you move on, accept things the way they are, and remain friends or b) you broach the subject again, and if she is still not interested and you simply can't accept that you are, and will be, friends, you cut ties. Don't continue trying to read what you want into everything she says and does. That's no good for either of you, and if you actually value the friendship, you're both going to be hurt, and she's going to feel betrayed, when it inevitably comes out.

 

[Kestra]

Yeah there's really no way to resolve this without asking her directly, and if you're unwilling to do that, it just seems like asking for trouble.

 

[iguana_tonante]

And before anyone asks.. no, i will not risk our friendship again by re-opening a supposedly closed love file. I value her dearly and i'd rather have her like this in my life than not at all.

Then get over it. Really, no other way out. You can either tell how you feel, or get over it, and mean it this time. Pining after her while you fake being cool with being just friends is wrong for you and her both. Not to mention creepy.

EtA: What the ladies said. Listen to them, for they know what they are talking about.

 

[Lookingglassman]

This is what has always worked for me: After you make your intentions known and they shoot you down, ignore them and then they will come running.

There was this chick I really liked in college, but she was dating a frat boy who treated her like crap cheated on her all the time. I would go visit her everyday and we would talk, but she wanted to be "just friends". Well I had more than enough female friends and sure didn't need another one crying on my shoulder about a boyfriend so I basically stopped going overthere and would only say "hi" to her when I saw her around campus.

Well that really bothered her because she "missed me", but I saw no point in being a shoulder for her to cry on when I knew I would have treated her far better than that loser she refused to dump. When she finally came around I had a girlfriend and she missed out.

 

[Mr Awe]

And before anyone asks.. no, i will not risk our friendship again by re-opening a supposedly closed love file. I value her dearly and i'd rather have her like this in my life than not at all.

So, what do you want to know then? You will do nothing and just see what happens. Ok. There's not much that we can add there.

I think what you really want to know is how can you tell what she is thinking? If so, none of us here will have any insight into that.

I can tell you that it's entirely possible that women can change their mind and start loving someone who they didn't before. Their tastes can change over time.

Or, they can call you sweety, honey, etc but not mean it romantically. Every time I get my car serviced, the lady there calls me various affectionate names like that but I doubt it's a romantic come on!

So, it could be either case. You won't know unless you ask her. Is it a risk? Definitely. Could it be worth it, possibly.

More importantly, what are these juicy secrets!!

Mr Awe

 

[Robert Maxwell]

Yeah, one way or another, you need to let her know you still have those feelings and you want to know where they're going. It's not fair to either of you for you to pretend nothing's going on and not to tell her about it.

I have a (female) friend who was in a similar situation recently. She was good friends with this guy and didn't realize she was in love with him until he'd already moved on to someone else. She finally told him about it and while he was understanding, as far as he was concerned that ship had sailed and he wasn't going to go there. She's pretty upset about it but it's better to know than to be in flux and doubt everything.

 

[Peach Wookiee]

I think you need to ask her if things have changed. Do it calmly. Tell her you don't want to wreck the friendship, but you've noticed she's been adding terms of endearment that might be interpreted as she's interested. I know I'd appreciate it if a guy was straight with me.

 

[RAMA]

Yeah... i'm 35 and with women i still feel like a teenager sometimes.

See.. there's this woman, my best friend actually. We've known each other for about 10 years now (maybe even more.. can't remember exactly) and during the first years she was "just" a buddy.. she had relations with other men, a hot affair with a buddy of mine (and he spilled some juicy secrets for which she have probably killed him had she known ) etc and all this time i went "Go girl! Get some!" because she was just a buddy with breasts.

Now obviously this has changed.. a few years ago i realized i had fallen in love with her (she was single for quite some time too and me as well) and it took me ages to get enough courage to come clean to her. Since real life is not Hollywood we didn't ride out into the sunset but she said she doesn't feel like this about me and it hurt of course. Over the next months and years we went on with the friendship and never spoke of it again though i still have deep feelings for her but i guess she assumes i've fallen out of love and become best friends and that this is settled (not for me but she doesn't know that).

Well.. over the last few months i noticed something has changed and i don't know why. We've always been close but somehow tearms of endearment have crept into our conversations like honey, sweety etc and most recently a german pre "I Love you" version that's pretty teenager level but still above normal conversation words (hard to explain since i don't know an english equivalent.. it's a teenager way to say i love you without actually spelling it out).

As i said.. i'm an idiot when it comes to women and feel like i'm 13 again and i wonder what happened for her to change so subtly.

I don't want to get my hopes up in the slightest and a big part of me (the rational part) is claiming she's just gotten way comfortable in out friendship to not think twice about this but a tiny part hopes there's more to it.

I just don't know.. any helpful advice or some wisdom?

And before anyone asks.. no, i will not risk our friendship again by re-opening a supposedly closed love file. I value her dearly and i'd rather have her like this in my life than not at all.

I usually prefer to be direct....but if that's not in the cards....maybe you can find out from mutual friends if she talks about you differently now...or subtly increase the terms of endearment to see if it goes anywhere.

RAMA

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

The thing about this is that a lot of people who are friends do it and it doesn't really mean anything. My male friends say 'honey' and 'babe' but it's nothing. They know I am taken and respect that and they know they have no chance. It's kinda like how chicks will call each other sweetie. Just a really kind, friendly type thing. I know people have question marks when it is between a male and female but that doesn't always mean they want some sort of relationship other than a friendship.

I think you should just wait things out and see how they go. If it's love, you will get a definite clue in one way or another. If she loves in in any way other than as a friend, I am sure she will let you know, but you also don't want to assume it's love and get all creepy. That might scare her away or make the friendship awkward.

 

[FPAlpha]

I never had the intention to be creepy. i.e. camp outside her house with binoculars (has anyone ever done that? ) or follow her trail through the internet to see what she does and what she posts on other sites.

I'm trying to move on, date other women and it's not like i'm awake at night pining after her. I'd really like to meet someone who fits me but the problem is that she fits me perfectly (at least i think so) and i haven't met the woman yet that sweeps me off my feet.

I know in my mind that it is most likely just a deep friendship that has developed over the years which put her in a comfortable zone calling me all these things and not think twice about it. I'm pretty sure that none of her other male friends (of whom i know many and am friends with most) are "awarded" this level of behaviour which makes it even more odd to me.

It was just me wondering why she changed her tone and if there's something else there.. i know her pretty well but this part i'll never figure out.. with any woman. I've always been the guy who realizes he's in a relationship when the girl says so.. i'm totally clueless in these things and probably always will be

For now i'm just happy to have her around to talk to about all the things that interest us, cheer each other up when we need eat and comfort each other when need be. That may change in the future and i may bet all on one hand again or i find another woman that invokes similar feelings.

 

[Gaith]

And before anyone asks.. no, i will not risk our friendship again by re-opening a supposedly closed love file. I value her dearly and i'd rather have her like this in my life than not at all.

Then get over it. Really, no other way out. You can either tell how you feel, or get over it, and mean it this time. Pining after her while you fake being cool with being just friends is wrong for you and her both. Not to mention creepy.

Aye.

Here's the tough-love version...

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

There's no hurry.

 

[O'Dib]

The one and only time this happened to me (coming clean to a friend about having been in love with her for years, and getting rejected), I sent her a few follow-up e-mails, foolishly thinking if I could only better explain myself, she'd change her mind. Eventually I realized, as amazing and patient she was with me answering all of them, I'd have to drop it for both our sakes. The e-mail exchange ended with me vowing to forever leave the ball firmly planted in her side of the court, a sort of " well, it's now up to you to tell me plainly if you ever change your mind," just so I wouldn't keep misreading her actions, and rekindling the hope that I obviously had to bury. Not being friends anymore never came up.