Women: How Important Is Fidelity To You?

[gturner]

I have a little cheating story to relate, though not my own. As a few of you must know, I do factory automation and such.

The married son of one of the project managers I've worked with, who was being groomed to replace his father, was married and had a cute little kid. On some jobsite in the Carolinas he hooked up with a girl working in the factory who was known plant-wide as the company ho. So they did the nasty and he picked up a flesh-eating bacteria on his wee wee. A day or so later he was in the ER and they told him they could cut his manhood off or else he could just die there. He opted to lose his manhood, the whole thing, branch and nuts.

His wife, who used to be a bit subservient, as I heard it, laid down the law to him and his father. If they ever want to see her little boy again they will do what she says, when she says it, and she can hook up with whoever she wants, since her husband brings new meaning to 'gender neutral'.

ETA: Oh, and his family found out immediately because the CDC was doing the call down thing of everyone who's slept with who, etc.

 

[RJDiogenes]

Well, I'm not a woman, and I don't see what difference it makes; if I were in a monogamous relationship, there would be no tolerance for infidelity.

I'm trying to add my own poll to ask what the guys think about this but I can't figure out how.

You can't, actually. There's only one Poll to a Thread, and it must be added at time of creation.

 

[Bloodwhiner]

My wife lovingly looked me in the eyes before we were ever married and in a sweet voice reminded me that she grew up in a society where 5 year old children were given razor sharp machetes to do yard work with. She grew up using a machete and if I ever cheated on her she would use it one more time.

25 years later, I'm still intact and deeply in love with my machete lady.

 

[John Clark]

I'm a guy and infidelity is always going to be a deal breaker for me.

 

[iguana_tonante]

I don't really understand the question. Is infidelity bad? Well, duh. Is it a deal-breaker? Depends on the people involved. For me, it is. For my fiancée, it is too. As for other people cheating on their spouse, it's their own business.

 

[mari]

I've broken up with people (guys and girls) for talking to other girls. I am kind of demanding of undivided attention that way. I don't do violence on them, though. They just lose the awesomeness of my presence in their lives, which I suppose is punishment enough.

Tiger, well, his error was in not waiting to find a wife who was okay with an open marriage. You gotta ask before the wedding, not after a dozen affairs.

 

[Scout101]

I have a little cheating story to relate, though not my own. As a few of you must know, I do factory automation and such.

The married son of one of the project managers I've worked with, who was being groomed to replace his father, was married and had a cute little kid. On some jobsite in the Carolinas he hooked up with a girl working in the factory who was known plant-wide as the company ho. So they did the nasty and he picked up a flesh-eating bacteria on his wee wee. A day or so later he was in the ER and they told him they could cut his manhood off or else he could just die there. He opted to lose his manhood, the whole thing, branch and nuts.

His wife, who used to be a bit subservient, as I heard it, laid down the law to him and his father. If they ever want to see her little boy again they will do what she says, when she says it, and she can hook up with whoever she wants, since her husband brings new meaning to 'gender neutral'.

ETA: Oh, and his family found out immediately because the CDC was doing the call down thing of everyone who's slept with who, etc.

Honestly, that makes the wife look as bad as the husband. If she had any self respect, she'd have just left, and been free to do whatever. She stayed, though, and went the blackmail route. Why? Guessing she liked her husband's money or status, but didn't think she could be as 'important' with half of it. Not sure how she thought she could deny custody in the first place, so in that guy's place, I'd have almost immediately filed divorce papers...

 

[RandyS]

Besides the trust issue, there are too many nasty diseases the cheater can bring home. Herpes is for life and there is always AIDS besides the usual STDs. The guys who have sex with call girls and prostitutes and then go home to their wives or girlfriends are cold-hearted and selfish to say the least.

Yep. Even though they both denied it, I'm convinced this is one of the things that led to my having cerebral palsy. My dad cheated on my mom both before and all through their marriage. The start of this was the late 1960's, when we knew less about medical matters than we do now.

 

[RandyS]

I'm a man, mind you, but I thinkg hearing from men is just as valid and I've no idea why this is just for women.

The OP says it's "common wisdom" that men wouldn't care about fidelity, but I don't agree at all. I am a man and I care about these things very much. So in this case "common wisdom" is wrong.

Agreed. This is an issue that affects us guys just as much.

 

[Eleanor_zhDarjel]

I hate the idea of cheating, as does any person in a loving relationship (I think). Still, I don't know if I would break up immediatly if my bloke cheated at me. For me it depends on the situation. Complicated at best. And what about me? Righ now cheating is definetly a no-go. But who knows what might happen?

 

[T'Baio]

When it first broke I think a lot of guys said they could understand why a billionaire male athlete who led a sheltered life would sleep with a ton of women.

Is that a scientific poll you took? No one I knew thought that...well, no one who isn't a douche bag.

 

[An Officer]

I do not cope at all well with betrayal, of any kind. Infidelity would probably send me into a violent, murderous rampage. Other than that, I'm pretty tolerant in most other things.

 

[Dorian Thompson]

Infidelity was the deal breaker in my marriage. It's not something men have to do. You make a choice. I found out after 15 years of marriage that he was sleeping with his friend's 21 year old sister. He wanted "time to think" instead of saying he'd recommit to the marriage. I changed the locks and kicked him out. He's since called me several times, asked us to try again numerous times, pointed out how good things were between us in the beginning and middle years of our marriage, lamented that he and his fresh young piece don't have anything in common now that they get out of bed once in a while. No shit, really?

Not a chance. He had a midlife crisis. He chose to betray me instead of asking for counseling. The punch line is that he and his new wife (yes, he eventually married her) have healthy twin boys born 8 months after I kicked him out. We tried to get pregnant for the entire 15 years of our marriage. He's written me letters saying the responsiblity of having two toddlers in middle age is too much for him. I don't believe in violence, but I fantasized pretty vividly after reading that letter. Words can't do justice to the rage I felt. All in all, he should have used a condom.

So yes, I'd say infidelity is a deal breaker and a half. Especially when you knock her up, boys. And yes, he gave me an STD. Fortunately, it was the treatable kind. Tiger Woods is a selfish schmuck and his wife is a doormat for not filing for divorce immediately. If there were detailed stories in the press about Elin having spread her legs for 13 men since they'd been married, do you think he'd have stayed with her? Not a chance in the world.

 

[DevilEyes]

I voted for 1 because those were the options in the pol and because I'm guessing it's not meant to be taken literally. But in fact I don't think people have the right to use violence against someone just because of infidelity. Breaking up/divorcing, however? Definitely. If someone cheated on me, it would be "We're finished. Bye bye".

 

[Aquarius]

It's a good question...and my answer varies based on the situation.

If I'm in a "committed" relationship, yeah, you best believe he better be faithful. Already been there and done that with someone who wasn't...won't stand for it again.

After finding myself newly single, though, I dated a guy briefly...after the first week he was convinced I was his soul mate and wanted things to be exclusive. He couldn't understand that it was way too short of an amount of time for me to know if he was "the one," and I wasn't committing to anybody or anything, so he wasn't "Mr. Right," more like "Mr. Right Now."

 

[FPAlpha]

How can you ever regain the trust and intimacy with a person that's hurt you so much?

Every time the partner comes home late without calling, after every fight, every time you have a phase of low self esteem there will be this tiny voice in your head reminding you that at one point he/she decided you weren't enough for whatever reason and betrayed you.

What kind of life is this?

For me it's the definite dealbreaker and i can't imagine a single reason why i would tolerate that person anymore.

 

[SiorX]

I agree with the spirit of option 1, though not the wording.

To me, infidelity is indicative of a lack of respect. It almost invariably means that you're more interested in casting your SO in the role of villain or obstacle in your little psychodrama, rather than regarding them as your equal and partner. That's not the kind of relationship in which I would ever want to stay.

And for the record, infidelity would have been a deal-breaker with me in any of my past romantic relationships, whether with a man or a woman.

 

[Dorian Thompson]

How can you ever trust again? If I'd have taken my husband back I'd have been wondering what he was doing whenever he was out of my sight. I don't want a marriage where I have to be the old ball and chain keeping my naughty husband on a short leash. Screw that. Once trust is lost, it can never be regained. I'd have been checking his cell phone messages, looking through his pockets, calling his cell if he ever went out with friends. Infidelity destroys. Therapists are big on figuring out "why," but that doesn't make you trust a person again. Counseling works before cheating, not after. Trust can't be magically recreated once it's gone.

FYI--did everyone read about Tiger's latest mistress to come out of the closet for her fifteen minutes and cash payout? Yep, another porn star. Her name is Devon James. I lost the link, but you can find the story if you google it. Tiger told them that his wife "didn't like sex." Translation--She had two kids in 24 months and she was tired so she didn't feel like doing it 24/7 and I'm a selfish prick who fell on the nearest porn star. What is she? Number 14 or 15?

 

[Nerys Ghemor]

And I must say that anyone who chooses the second option, also IMHO, needs their head examined. "It's just something men have to do"? Bullshit! No one has to cheat. THAT would be selfish. It's not hard wired into either gender to do that.

The same is equally true of the first option. But then violence against men doesn't really count as domestic violence, does it? It's not just the OP either, there are two women in this thread openly advocating violence in response to infidelity also.

Violence against men absolutely IS domestic violence and should not be advocated, condoned, or even mocked.

Now, I did vote for Option 1 in the poll, but violence would not be my response. Divorce--yeah. Violence? No.

 

[Punky]

I have to much self respect to tolerate infidelity. I would never commit an act of violence if it happened, but I would throw all of his shit out of the house on the front yard and change the locks.

I feel that if my fiancé committed the act of infidelity, then he does not love or respect me in anyway and I would not waste an ouch of my time trying to "work it out" or figure out why he cheated. See, if the cheater had any balls at all, he would try to "work things out" with me PRIOR to cheating or, at the very least, respect me enough to end our relationship if he is not happy.