Voyager Caption This: Brainstorming Session

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY: No it wasn't an accident.... it was MURDER!!!!!!! And the killer is in this room!!!!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Chakotay: "We're in deep space, 60 years flight time from Earth, light years away from any terrestrial mammal. I'm sorry Captain, blaming it on the dog just won't cut it anymore."

 

[Triskelion]

Q tipped me off. One of you is going to give me lizard babies.
(Everybody stares at Skruffy)
What?? I don't even procreate sexually! My species utilizes cell-division! Not to mention I find you all hideously unattractive! And I'm gay!
Neelix (thinking): Is it me?

 

[cultcross]

Janeway: Okay, okay, I'll get us a bigger table, the very next Pottery Barn we pass.

 

[jgdst]

Janeway: I want to get this crew home, but the only thing stopping us is my rage at the stupid grooves in these tables. They actually make YOU seem acceptable Chakotay. WHICH, by the way, I have no intention of ever pronouncing correctly.

 

[Triskelion]

Alright. Meeting adjourned. Now let's clear the sacrificial altar - I mean the table - to welcome Jiminy here for the bloodletting - I mean the potluck dinner. Clear the grooves, Tom.

 

[Rat Boy]

Chakotay: "We've got a big one here, Captain. The Borg are attacking, Q's lurking about, and somehow our janitor's been replaced by that lizard looking guy."

Janeway: "No time for that. We have to...construct my own Capital One credit card!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

JANEWAY: So Pizza? Pepperoni?

TUVOK: I'm a vegetarian.

PARIS: No mushrooms.

TORRES: Is it Chicago style? I prefer Chicago style.

EMH: Who's paying? 'Cause I'm not that hungry.

KIM: Better be delivery. I'm not picking it up. You always make me pick it up.

SEVEN:What about drinks?

NEELIX: And Cheesy Bread. I love Cheesy Bread!!!

JANEWAY: OK, lunch is over.

 

[jgdst]

Chakotay: I've been talking with the senior staff, and we're uncomfortable with the location of the last few meetings... I mean, this one isn't so bad, at least we're nowhere near your bathroom this time...
Janeway: Au contraire... there's a reason you have the biggest flask of all. OPEN IT!

 

[Triskelion]

Chakotay: What's the matter Captain? Suck at musical chairs much?

 

[chancellorjake]

Janeway: This lizard surgeon assures me that the surgery was a complete success. What do you all think of my new Boobs? They don't look lopsided; do they?

Janeway: This lizard beast needs a couple of volunteers to be hosts for its egg pouches. He assures me that it will be extremely unpleasant, but not fatal. I've recommended Ensign Kim and Commander Chakotay for this mission. Any objections?

 

[Shatmandu]

Thanks much for the win! Gotta love a Trek-specific gerbil-up-the-ass joke.

From the first draft script:

Janeway, grim: "[Tech.]"
Paris, lightly: "[Tech tech.]"
Seven, definite: "[Tech tech tech.]"
Forehead, intense: "[Tech tech tech tech!]"
Chakotay, peacemaking: "[Tech tech tech, tech tech tech.]"
Kim nods.
Forehead, softening: "[Tech tech ... tech tech.]"
Janeway: "[Tech.]"

 

[Nerys Myk]

My name's Kathy and I'll be your server this evening.

 

[Triskelion]

Janeway: Alright people. I want feedback. Now.
Chakotay: It -
Seven: It is acceptable, Captain.
B'Elanna: I don't know...could be a little forced.
Tom: Forced? I don't see it. What's that supposed to mean?
Doctor: She means it's trying to be insouciant and breezy, but Lt Torres is too polite to say it's desperate and slutty. But I disagree, Captain. I think it's appropriate for a single femme d’un certain âge who hasn't gotten her plumbing inspected in...years was it?
Chakotay: Can -
Tuvok: Perhaps with a little less artificial coloring.
Harry: This isn't what I trained for at the academy <fume>.
Neelix: Well seeing as how the Captain has hired her new male pattern baldness - challenged stylist I'd say it doesn't really matter what some disposable crewman like me thinks about her hair. No matter how luxuriant his own coiffure may be.
Tom: You're just jealous and Kes isn't here to placate you.
Chakotay: I -
Tuvok: Indeed. I believe the correct human idiom is, grow a pair, Mr Neelix.
Janeway: Well I like it. Makes me feel like I went straight to class from a strange dorm room again. Ok people, same time tomorrow.

 

[SciFi75]

Janeway: I know that we are stuck out here in the Delta Quadrant millions of light years away without a hell's chance of getting home alive, and that this alien representative is demanding our surrender or we will be blasted out of space, but I have called this meeting to remind some of you that you have not contributed anything to the United Way.

 

[Gertch]

Since these were the only bingo cards left onboard, Janeway was determined to stretch this game out.

 

[Rat Boy]

Janeway: "A woman becomes preeminent, she's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiams... Enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Softball! A woman stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There she stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork.... Looks, throws, catches, hustles - part of one big team. Bats herself the live-long day, Jennie Finch, Taryne Mowatt, and so on. If her team don't field... what is she? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does she have to say? 'I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins.'"

 

[John Picard]

Meetings: All of us are as dumb as one of us

 

[Triskelion]

Most of you are almost competent. One of you is out the airlock, to be replaced by this lower-paid semi-sentient cockroach. Here's the kicker: I don't care who it is. Fight amongst yourselves. I'm going for a holomassage, I'll be back when you've got your loser.

*Neelix phasers the semi-sentient cockroach*

Chakotay: Officer-level thinking, Neelix.

 

[Candlelight]

Janeway suddenly realised she'd forgotten to log off.