Contest: ENTER TOS Caption Contest #311: Thrusters at Stationkeeping

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Does Ragnarok happen in the Mirror Universe?" award, goes to @Tenacity for:

Leader: "It is Thor, the god of thunder."
Uhura: "Captain. He looks just like that picture of your father."


Next, we have the "Too much of a caffeine boost!" Award, going to @Steven P Bastien for:

Uhura: Mr Spock, why is no one moving? ... Hey, Mr. Spock! ... Mr. Spock? ... Damn it, I knew drinking that Scalosian coffee was as bad idea!


Next, we have the "More lines for everyone! (Not you, Shatner)" Award, going to @Maurice for:

NICHELLE: And that's for taking all of George's lines that they could have given to me!


Next, we have the "Unprofessional Behavior" Award, going to @Redfern for:

Uhura: "Look, M'Ress, I appreciate you as a valued co-worker, but I'm jut not into you like that. So would you stop poking your d*mned fuzzy ass cheeks in my face?!"


Next, we have the "Your call is important to us, please stay on the line" Award, going to @Bry_Sinclair for:

Uhura: Thank you for calling the U.S.S. Enterprise, all our operators are currently busy, please hold.


Two Photoshop Awards!

@TrickyDickie:

Uhura: "Who did it, anyway?"

Spock: "Khan."

Uhura: "Oh....no wonder he gets so mad."



And @Cutie McWhiskers:

(...with apologies to both "Star Trek" and "The Critic"...)

Many Tribbles chose awards this time!

First, @Leviathan:

Uhura: NOW can we discuss why I'm the only one on the bridge who does not get pants?!


Next, @Mr Soak:

Kirk: Hello, switchboard? Quick, what’s the number for 911?


Next, @Laura Cynthia Chambers:

Uhura: "How do you butt-dial a red alert?!"
Kirk: "Just cancel it already, will you?"


And, @Nerys Myk:

UHURA: I think that Chekov kid might have accidentally launched the photon torpedoes again.
KIRK: Shi....


Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

And now, we turn to our helpful helm officer: Hikaru Sulu!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Sulu: Whoops! I guess we were closer to that asteroid than I thought...

Kirk: Hmmmm.... they have Red Alert in the 20th Century too?

Sulu: Mister Spock, why does Leslie get to play video games on the bridge?

Sulu: Uh-oh. Did anybody bring a charger? I'm at 3%.

Scotty: (over comm) Sulu, what the devil are ye doin? Every button in that conduit causes the ship to go from "Fully Operational" to "Nearly Destroyed!"

 

[Redfern]

Next, we have the "Unprofessional Behavior" Award, going to @Redfern for:

Uhura: "Look, M'Ress, I appreciate you as a valued co-worker, but I'm jut not into you like that. So would you stop poking your d*mned fuzzy ass cheeks in my face?!"

Me: "Wow! My entry actually got acknowledged?! You like me! You guys really like me!"

Rest of forum: "Not really. LevelHead needed to meet a quota. Since this section is listed as '...the Original & Animated Series', he had to list something from that d*mned cartoon!"

Me: "Meh, I'll take what I can get. You tolerate me. You guys barely tolerate me!"

 

[ChasFink]

The captain entertains the crew in front of the viewscreen by showing off some moves he learned in Orion dancing class.

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, if I remember my history of 20th century theme parks, this is a staff entrance to Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Sulu: Look, Mr. Spock! I can draw a cow on my magic slate!

D'Amato: I caught a Psyduck!
Sulu: Damn! Just missed one!

Sulu: No! This breaker keeps going off! Just unplug the damn toaster!

 

[Herbert]

Sulu: I can't believe it, Mr Scott. TOS Caption Contest # 311 is actually happening?
Scott: Aye Laddie, now we go in search of the winners for the Movies Caption Aprils Fools Contest # 268:
Sulu: Yeah, like we'll ever find those

 

[Herbert]

Kirk: <offscreen> Dammit Bones, my officers are addicted to their devices

 

[Herbert]

Sulu: D'amato, did you see this post on Spacebook?

 

[Herbert]

Spock: It is illogical to have a stenographer stationed on the bridge.
Sulu: And the Captain is going to rip the Assignments Officer a new one when he finds out it's not a woman.

 

[TribbleFeeder]

Scotty: What’s that smell?
Sulu: Sorry, I had Andorian gristhera for lunch today...

 

[Maurice]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

Next, we have the "More lines for everyone! (Not you, Shatner)" Award, going to @Maurice for:

NICHELLE: And that's for taking all of George's lines that they could have given to me!

Thanks for the nod. I LOLed when that caption hit me (pun intended).

SULU: Affirmative, Mr. Scott. I am holdiing down Control-Alt-Delete and we've still got the Blue Screen of Death.

SULU: There, across the street. See the sign?
KIRK: "Nob Hill Theater. Touch Our Junk! Nude Male Shows". Wow, you really do know old San Francisco, Mr. Sulu.
SULU: I'm a historian....this week.

D'AMATO: It's like nothing I've even seen before.
SULU: Clearly, you haven't been to the Nob Hill Theater in San Francisco.

GEORGE: Seriously, Leonard. I get that Eddie wants more screen time—who doesn't?—but this is going too far.

—or—

LESLIE: You sank my battleship!
SULU: War games are fun, Mr., Spock!

SULU: I've found the problem, Captain. The "Plot Device" has been bolted to the wall of the Jefferies Tube.

 

[TrickyDickie]

Thanks for the win, LH.

Sulu: "Who is 'Catwoman'?"

D'Amato: "I don't know, but it sounds to me like Dr McCoy needs to vaccinate us against cat-scratch fever!"

 

[TrickyDickie]

Kirk would soon come to find that the 'Battle of The Bulge' poster had been eerily prophetic.

 

[Triskelion]

Sulu: That dog is way to small to mount that other dog.
Kirk: Just wait.

 

[Timewalker]

Sulu: Just a few more minutes, Mr. Spock. We're at a critical juncture.

Leslie: Hah, I built Leonardo's Workshop, the Great Library, and the Hanging Gardens, and my spearman just slaughtered your tank! Whaddya say to that?

Sulu (adjusts a couple of orders, then smiles evilly): Never trust an Aztec with nukes, my friend.

Leslie (as Tenochtitlan launches a nuclear missile at his capital city): Damn!

Sulu: D'Amato, you do realize that if anyone's going to die on this landing party, it won't be either me or the Captain, right?

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Sulu: Mr. Spock, how much longer must these exercises continue?

Spock: As the Captain said, until all bridge personnel have a 100 percent rating.

Leslie: Simulator reset. Helm techniques, parallel parking, attempt 47.

Sulu: I'll never live this down, will I?

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Glad I have one...

Spock: "Mr. Sulu, take a letter. Let's see...'Dear Mother...'"
Upon being assigned to the Enterprise, every crew member spent their first two weeks aboard in the secretarial pool.

 

[Triskelion]

Sulu: Commander, why is this court reporter here?
Court Reporter: type type type type
Spock: Starfleet Command wishes to analyze our unofficial communications to determine whether the crew would benefit from sensitivity training.
Court Reporter: type type type type type
Sulu: That's ***** ***** ***** *****.
Court Reporter: typetypetypetypetypetype
typetypetypetypetypetypetypetype
typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype....

 

[1001001]

Sulu: Commander, why is this court reporter here?
Court Reporter: type type type type
Spock: Starfleet Command wishes to analyze our unofficial communications to determine whether the crew would benefit from sensitivity training.
Court Reporter: type type type type type
Sulu: That's fucking gay.
Court Reporter: typetypetypetypetypetype
typetypetypetypetypetypetypetype
typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype....

Seems like you could use some sensitivity training yourself.

Using "fucking gay" as a pejorative, even in jest, is not cool.

 

[Herbert]

I thought I would combine a couple of my earlier ones

Sulu: D'amato, did you see this post on Spacebook?
D'amato: Not now, I just leveled on Candy Crush
Kirk: <offscreen> Dammit Bones, my <pause> officers are <pause> addicted to their devices
McCoy: <distracted> ......uh what did you say, Jim? I was caught up in this new game. It's called Tricorder Trivia Crack.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Sulu: "Mr. Scott, did you just scuff your shoes on the carpet?"
Scott: "No, why?"
Sulu: "No reason."

Kirk: "Another fire drill? Why do these things always happen when I'm in the bathroom?"
Sulu: "Murphy's Law doesn't like you?"