TOS Caption Contest #271: The Tholian Caption

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone, sorry about the delay, but hopefully now I'll be able to make this go one a every other week schedule now. *Fingers Crossed*

First up to the plate, we have the "Mutiny on a Budget" Award, going to:

Kirk: "Antibiotics?"

McCoy: "Cyanide. Spock paid me twenty bucks to make him the captain."

Next, we have the "Now, we DO expect Miracles, Scotty!" Award, going to:

Kirk: "Scotty! I know this doesn't make any sense, but... you've been elected Pope."

Scotty: "Borgias frat!"

Next, we have the "I smell a lawsuit coming...." Award, going to:

McCoy (sotto voce): "Nurse Chapel, could you nonchalantly walk back to Exam Bed 1 and see if you can subtly find out if Nurse Jones had a medical reason for removing Ensign Gately's pantyhose?"

Next, we have the "Spock's Prognosis" Award, going to:

McCoy: "I hate to admit it, Spock, but you're right on both counts. He'll get over the Rigellian Fever... <brief pause> ...but he won't get over himself."

Next, we have the "Moe's Tavern" Award, going to:

Uhura: "Incoming transmission for a, Mike Hunt?"
McCoy chuckling: "That Spock's turned into a right japester."

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

Kirk: I don't remember posing for that!
Scotty: Well, you did!

MCCOY: I'm gonna need a blood sample.

KIRK: Why's that?

MCCOY: You're either sick, a duplicate or under alien mind control.

KIRK: Huh?

MCCOY: Uhura's been talking with my new nurse for fifteen minutes and you've yet to go over and suggest a threesome.

Many thanks to everyone who participated on this one! Congratulations to our winners! I'm enjoying being the substitute on this contest, lets continue forward!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Spock: Mister Sulu, please do not place passed out crewmembers on the helm controls.

Spock: I am sorry, but this evening's class on Prophecy has been cancelled due to Unforeseen Circumstances.

Kirk: What the hell are you two doing in my quarters?

Chekov: Uh-oh. That wasn't a dream...

McCoy: I've brought you gentlemen something that will help you start the day?

Spock: What is it called, Doctor?

McCoy: Screwdrivers.

 

[Maurice]

BONES: I told you that wig was generating more heat than Chekov's brain could handle!

SPOCK: I never slept with that woman.

BONES: Figures, Jim's porn collection is of himself.

KOENING: I promise! I won't argue with Bill stealing my lines again!

SPOCK: You found an antidote.
BONES: I sure did. Tang! And Tang is good for you kids, too, and mmmm mmmm, Tangalicious!
SCOTTY: Borgas frat...new sponsor...

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Thanks for the win LH!

Sulu: "Oh my God!"
Scott: "What is it?"
Sulu: "How the hell should I know? I'm just the helmsman, the Doctor's standing back there, bitching at Spock... again..."

Spock: "Excuse me while I whip this out."
women scream and faint

Spock: "Jim, does my butt look big in this?"

Chekov: "Nurse... Nurse! I'm ready for my sponge bath. Nurse!"

McCoy: "There's a tad too much unhealthiness aboard this ship. I'm prescribing orange juice for everyone."

...

...

"fermented and distilled..."

Scott: "Ah... make mine a double."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

McCoy (o.s.): Chekov's medical treatment is proceeding well. Jazz Hands is clearly a sign of a full recovery.

 

[1001001]

No entry from me, just a friendly reminder to keep these captions in (relatively) good taste, please.

Thanks. Carry on.



PS: This comment was in regards to the last thread. This one is fine so far. Just so you know.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Uhura: "You had better be admiring my exquisite nail polish, scuzzball!"

Scotty: "Heh! I have to admit, Doctor, when ye invited me t' yer quarters for some "Tang," I wasn't quite sure what ye had in mind!"
Spock: "Yet you came anyway. Fascinating."

 

[Triskelion]

Bones: In the future Spock I suggest you hand your dead soldiers to the Yeoman for proper disposal.

Spock: Lieutenant, don't let my briefing interfere with your pursuit of space-HPV.

Spock: Zombies are illogical. Necrotic tissue cannot metabolize.
Kirk: It's a ridiculous premise. You never see them drinking water.
McCoy: I don't care. I'm putting it on. There's a chick with a samurai sword.

In Soviet Russia, HMO screws you! Ok, that vun is not so different.

Scotty: Screwdriver?
Bones: No, some nurse.

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: If you will all turn your hymnals to page thirty-two...

HARRISON: First officer, science officer and now Chaplain? This guy does everything, Uhura. Why are the rest of us here again?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Spock: "Welcome to the 'Enterprise Players' stage production of the classic tale 'Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.' Just one announcement before we begin. Due to unforeseen circumstances, the part of 'Larry Talbot,' originally to be played by Benjamin Finney, will instead be portrayed by Pavel Chekov. Enjoy!"

 

[Diesel Micky Dolenz]

McCoy: "Damnit, Spock! You can't simply reattach a man's head by placing it atop his body. There are all kinds of nerves and arteries and things that have to be surgically reattached."

Spock: "'Things'? Really doctor. You almost had me convinced until then."

Spock: "Furthermore, continued connecting of the waste disposal system to the spray tanning booths will not be tolerated."

Ensign Camisa-Roja: <barfs in Uhura's lap>

McCoy: "Spock, I think Jim's lost it. Orders or no orders, I'm not massaging a Klingon's prostate."

Kirk: "I can still see and hear you.

<off screen> McCoy: "Nurse, is Mr. Chekov here for a tonsillectomy or a vasectomy? Aw, screw it. We'll just do both."

Running with Jonas Grumby's idea...

Scotty: "Tranya? Ach, I thought you said you had 'trannies' in your quarters!"

Spock: "And yet you came anyway. Fascinating."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

McCoy (sotto voce): "For God's sake, Scotty, if you're going to play pocket pool, at least sit in the back row!"

 

[Dale Sams]

"Psst...Uhura. Is there *anyone* on the Bridge?"

"1. These are the shittiest restraints I've ever seen. Seriously, they're like the Chinese Finger-Puzzles of restraints.

2. Who changed my clothes and why?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCCOY: And one for my homies.

 

[Triskelion]

Sulu: I have a question? About our five year mission?
Spock: Proceed, Mister Sulu.
Sulu: Well some of us were wondering...Couldn't we change it to going boldly where no one has gone before?
Spock: Perhaps Lieutenant Uhura would care to discuss it with me over breakfast.
Ensign Akbar: It's a trap.
Uhura: Shut up, fool. I know what it is.

I don't mind the restraints. But could someone please bring me some man pants!

 

[Nerys Myk]

CHEKOV: Why am I in restraints and a black leotard....again!

 

[Isis]

LeadHead, TFTW.

McCoy: "When you said you asked Ensign Ricky to 'connect the dots or else,' I didn't realize I should take you literally."

Chekov (to self): "I vould do vell to get cracking. The first season is a lost cause, but if I hustle wery fast, I can at least make the second."

McCoy: "If it's in a beaker, it's medicinal."

Spock: "Indeed."

 

[Triskelion]

Bones: Tang and hooch. A Hillbilly Margarita.
Scotty: Just like ma used to make!
Spock: White trash.
Bones: Is that a no, Spock?
Spock: No one told you to stop pouring, Doctor.

 

[Nerys Myk]

CHEKOV:Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Isis]

Spock: "And we've convened this meeting to plan the captain's, as you term it, surprise birthday party. Would someone enlighten me on the custom of giving a party on someone's birthday and why this one has to be a surprise?"

Crewman in first row (sotto voce): "This guy doesn't have a clue. What is he--from another planet?"

When the galaxy hit difficult economic times, Kirk earned a few extra quatloos by doing reverse mortgage commercials.