TOS Caption Contest #270: The Immunity Caption

[Santa Kang]

MCCOY: I'm gonna need a blood sample.

KIRK: Why's that?

MCCOY: You're either sick, a duplicate or under alien mind control.

KIRK: Huh?

MCCOY: Uhura's been talking with my new nurse for fifteen minutes and you've yet to go over and suggest a threesome.

 

[Mistral]

Kirk: "Antibiotics?"

McCoy: "Cyanide. Spock paid me twenty bucks to make him the captain."

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: What the devil did you just put in me?

McCoy: Oh, this and that.

Kirk: Care to be more specific, Doctor?

McCoy: Well, let's see. There's Lexorin to alleviate malaise and/or multiple personality disorder. Theragen to deaden nerve inputs to the brain to calm the insane. Tropolisine for hallucinogenic effects. Methohexital, a barbiturate for sedation. Tetrovaline lowers the immune response. Cytoglobin to counter chromoviral infections and arterial aging. Corophizine to prevent secondary infections. The growth hormone Myofibrilin to offset zero gravity. Vertazine for dizziness. And Beano.

Kirk: For...?

McCoy: For the rest of us.

Uhura <to Yeoman>: 'Bout time cause I'm about to go postal up in here.

 

[Riker's Libido]

Bones: Damnit Jim I'm a doctor not Cheech Marin.

Kirk: Bones, Bones, Bones!! I .... KNOW... I ... it just makes Pink Floyd sound... so... DAMN... good.

 

[Santa Kang]

UHURA: I'll pass this time, nurse. I'm the designated driver.

 

[Riker's Libido]

Nurse Chapel: Doctor McCoy, someone has been feeling up her chooch hole.

Bones: NOT IT!!

 

[Riker's Libido]

Spock: He's being a real grumpypuss princess buttercup about not being in the Abrams reboot.

Kirk: Am not!

 

[Triskelion]

Apologies in advance....

Scotty! Set emergency course to Starbase 12!
Aye sir - but why?
We're - out of Midol!
Great Scott! <checks readouts> With the crew's synchronized cycle coming round!!
Where no man has gone before!

Kirk: What is it, Bones?
Bones: Anti-inflammatory for your Vulcanian Taint Creep.
Uhura: See? Told you.

 

[Noname On A Naughty List]

Kirk: "Um, Bones, don't you need to examine me before injecting me with that hypo?"

Bones: "Why should I waste the time? I'm one Doctor for 430 crew. You beamed down, met a green alien female; disappeared for a few hours, and both came back with huge grins. We all know what happened - so I'm giving you the usual antidote you always receive after one of your 'close encounters'."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk (sotto voce): "Look at those two whispering over there. You think they're talking about us?"
Uhura: (sotto voce): "Look at those two whispering. You think they're talking about us?"

 

[Triskelion]

McCoy: This'll knock the sting out of your pee.
Uhura: He keep staring I'll knock the sting right back in.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Uhura: "I don't need an injection just because the Captain has a new STD. Haven't you heard the latest version of Trek lore? Apparently, I'm Spock's babe now."
Med Tech: "Well, according to the slash lore, that still means you need the shot."

 

[Crisp Conditions]

 

[Riker's Libido]

Uhura: Oh you guys gonna go smoke some weed?

Bones: Goddamnit...

Kirk: .... No. No we are just talking official Starfleet shit.

Uhura: Oh it's like that?

Kirk: Like what?

Uhura: Whatever, dick.

 

[LeadHead]

New Contest!