TOS Caption Contest #136: Creeps, Peeps, Beeps, and Sleeps

[Shatmandu]

McGivers: "I don't mind having sex standing up, but could you leave my goddamned hair alone?"

Kirk: "I swear to God he said something."
Spock: "Impossible, Captain."
<pause>
Pike, whispering out side of mouth, toward Kirk: "Suck my burnt dick, asswipe."
Kirk: "THERE! You had to've heard that."
Spock: "Nothing, Captain."

Spock, sleeping: "... yes, Miss Uhura ... that's it ... work the shafts ..."

 

[SeerSGB]

Kirk: Damn that cup of coffee was hot. Felt like I dunked my wang in molten lava...haha, bet you know all about that, eh Chris?

Pike: Beep...beep-beep-BEEP...BEEP!

Kirk: What did he say?

Spock: Suck it you bald bastard....

Kirk: Gene, Leonard's off script again.

 

[Nerys Myk]

MCGIVERS: I'm thinking just a trim

KHAN (Catty): I'd touch up them roots.

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Thanks for the win!

McGivers: I'd prefer if you put your fingers in me not on my hair.

<Beep> <Beep>
Kirk: Step aside, Spock. I think he's trying to back up.
<Beep><Beep>

Spock: Miss Uhura, I do not believe that is what is meant by dictation. Nevertheless, you may continue.

 

[Nerys Myk]

Spock knew it was McCoy who erased his etch-a-sketch portrait of I-chaya

 

[Shatmandu]

McGivers: "In this century, hairdressing is only done Bolians. They're blue."
Khan: "Lady, I haven't busted a nut in about two centuries. They're blue."

Pike begins to BEEP in rhythm. Kirk's hips start to swivel, and Spock taps out a supporting beat on the back of Pike's chair. Four female yeomen approach and gyrate with the tune. Everyone is having a great time.

Uhura enters the room, smiles, and archly begins to sing, which sounds like cats fucking.

Everyone freezes, frowns, "ahems", and leaves. Pike eventually stops BEEPing.

Spock, sleeping: "... Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb ..."

 

[Maurice]

KHAN: We offered the world ORDER...ly hairstyles. Now, just let me get my scissors.

BONES: Impotent again?
RAND: Wang like a wet noodle
KIRK: I'm right here!

KIRK: Think we can use him as an 8-track player?
PIKE: "BEEP!!!"

Spock's narcolepsy struck at the most inconvenient moment for Captain Kirk's defense.

 

[Captain Crow]

Khan, very camply: Oh dear lord who did this? You've got split ends and this dye job looks like you fell into a vat of chili.

Spock: BUTTFUCK! The cheap-ass batteries in this damn thing have craped out! Now I've got to push this bastard around in this useless piece of shit for the rest of the episode!

Spock, dejected: She took my eggs.



[not sure if anyone will get the reference]

 

[Triskelion]

Kirk: Chris, you don't think I'm a bad Captain, right?
*Beep* *Beep*
Kirk: Sorry, is that a no? No you do think so?
Kirk: *Beep*
Kirk: No, you think so?
Kirk: *Beep* *Beep*
Kirk: Sorry, what?
*Beep*
Kirk: Is it one beep for no and two for yes?
*Beep* *Beep*
Kirk: See, that's a yes. Two for yes.
*Beep*
Kirk: No? You mean, one beep for yes?
*Beep*
Kirk: So you don't think I'm a bad Captain?
*Beep**Beep*
Kirk: I don't understand.
*Beep* *Beep* *Beep*
Spock walks over to Kirk and slaps the back of his head.
*Beep**Beep*
Spock: You're welcome.

McGivers: You remind me of my boyfriend back on Starbase 13, Ensign Pavel Chekov.
Khan: Who?

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Khan: "Id rather give you a pearl necklace"
McGivers: "Pearl necklace? You mean you'ld hurt those inocent little ...
Khan: "How can you be a expert on the 20th century and not know the meaning of a Pearl necklace?"

McCoy: "He's clean Yeoman, and you're the meat in the sandwich so to speak"

 

[Isis]

McGivers: The engagement is off. I can't compete with a 2-foot tall midget screaming "da plane, da plane."

Rand: Which one of us should tell him that his hamminess is inoperable? Wanna draw straws?

"Damn Etch-a-Sketch..."

 

[tharpdevenport]

Khan: "Yesss ... you will keep the red shirt and take it with you no matter where you go. I'm sure nothing bad will come of it."

McCoy: "Well, ensign, I'm not entirely sure if it's a combination of his 'awesomness', or the frequently and rough masturbation, but it'll be a bit before his vision returns. Just long enough to solve that thing on your head."

 

[Rat Boy]

Khan: "I got some very interesting hairstyle tips from a very charming young Russian. I'll never forget his face."

 

[Captain Crow]

Play them off, Invisible Keyboard Playing Dejected Spock!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Khan: "Why global domination you ask? Simple, at school the other children used to tease me about my accent. A childhood of torment, they used to call me Dirty Sanchez."
Marla: "I've been meaning to ask..."
Khan: "We do not discuss it with gringos."

Rand: "The hairstyle? It's to ease my unbirthing. Why do you ask?"

McGivers: "You'll need a scalpel, a pair of needlenose pliers and a 2mm crosshead screwdriver. You can reach the cranial access port through the upper scalp. Break the seal and remove the whole unit. The read only jumper settings..."
Khan: "I was thinking maybe some highlights?"

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Oda Mae Spock spiritually possessed by Roger Corby: "Christine? Where you at? I can't hardly see!"
Chapel: "Roger? Roger!"
Oda Mae Spock: "Damn baby, what'd you do to yo hair?"
Chapel: "Roger, you like it? It's 'blonde slut.' Hold on, why are you talking like that?"
Oda Mae Spock: "You try being channelled through a pimp, shee-it!"

 

[Rat Boy]

Wanna piss off a Vulcan? Bail on him when the bill comes.

 

[scottydog]

McGivers: "You have superior intelligence, right?"

Khan: "Of course."

McGivers: "Then what are you doing in the ladies bathroom?"

Rand: "So this is the men's room, eh?"

Kirk: "Can't a man take a dump in peace?"

Spock using the bathroom-cam.

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

"No message intended Captain, except of course, Happy Birthday."

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

Kirk spied on the crew using the latest 3-D projection technology. If only he hadn't lost the glasses.