Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #505: The Measure of an Amazing Episode

[Smellincoffee]

Thanks for the win!

Riker: Are you sure you want to attach a prosthetic HOOK?
Data: If we are to experience a Peter Pan holonovel, I shall endeavour for authenticity.

Guinan: Here.
Picard: This isn't Worf's prune juice, is it?
Guinan: Plum brandy.
Picard: Now THAT is a warrior's drink!

Louvois: An extensive review of Starfleet regulations indicates that the captain CAN lead the away mission if one of two parameters are met: one, the plot requires it; two, the ship contains a cool off-road vehicle,

 

[Mr Soak]

Cheers for the win.

Louvois: Welcome, gentlemen, to the 14th triennual Starfleet Poker Championships. I'll act as House for the Enterprise quallifier.
Picard: Riker, you told me this was fizzbin.
Riker: I was practicing my poker face, sir.
Picard: ...merde.

 

[f14peter]

RIKER: "... and furthermore, I will prove that the defense's argument that Data's use of common human terms such as 'I would give an arm and a leg' for something, actually does not make him human because he ... well ... literally can give an arm and a leg for something!"

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Louvois: "Now that we've narrowed down the candidates for the position to two equally qualified individuals, one must be chosen. There are many ways to do this. A multiple choice test, a spelling bee, a dance-off, mortal combat..."
Riker: "Job's yours, Jean-Luc."
Louvois: (disappointed) "...or we could do that."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Picard: I've brought my 1st officer along, because you've been a little too sexually aggressive, and it's making for a rather uncomfortable working environment

Riker: I could stand to hear a little more.


OR...

Louvois: Captain Picard, you are now in charge of the investigation into why my office has no roof. Riker, you will tell me why the viewscreen directly to my left is a sheet of plastic. And you will BOTH find out why I am wearing an enormous tribble on my head. Am I making myself clear?

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Riker: "Data, that's not what I meant when I said we'd be going down to the planet unarmed..."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Semifinals of the Starfleet Staring Contest will begin...NOW!

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Is this where he touched you Ensign?
Data: It's a living.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: So I can't call him Pinocchio?
LOUVOIS:No!
PICARD: Toaster?
LOUVOIS:No!
RIKER: Tin Man?
LOUVOIS:No.
PICARD" Mister Roboto?
LOUVOIS:No!
RIKER: Skin Job?
LOUVOIS: Definitely Not!

 

[rcjames]

Picard: "I don't care, it's either me or Pulaski. If she's still here in Season 3, I won't be!"

Louvois: "Let's not be too rash, Captain, there's a writer's strike on the horizon and we may need to run a clip show to round out the season. We'll give Pulaski something to do during that episode, and come Season 3 we'll make her disappear. No one will be the wiser."

Picard: "Could we get rid of Wesley too?"

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win!

Picard: Your honor, I submit my log into evidence. I believe you will find that, with few exceptions, our weekly mission reports have gotten better since our first year.

Louvois: I've reviewed your logs. There are some not so great ones. I was not fond of the penpal one, but I'll grant you, they are somewhat better than your first year's missions.

Picard: I'm glad you agree, your honor. Seeing as how you agree, I hereby petition the court to order Commander Riker to keep his beard, seeing as how it symbolizes this improvement.

Louvois: Agreed. I, as is my ability as judge in this court, hereby declare that Commander William T. Riker, currently assigned as First Officer of the star ship Enterprise, is to keep the beard.

Data: Ma'am, I find it highly offensive that I have to take an oath using this Robotology bible. I am a non-practicing Robot Jew who had a Bot Mitzvah. Though, to be honest, I'm more of a robot atheist.

Riker: I, um...

Data: Is there a problem with my arm, sir?

Riker: ...it's just made me realize how truly unique you are, Mr. Data. Seeing this arm makes me wonder if there really is a Great Bird of the Galaxy out there who created us all. It's just all so...well, awe inspiring.

Data: Tasha felt the same way about my ass.

Picard: "How's it going?" Well, seeing as how I'm debating my friend and First Officer for the soul, if you will, of our friend and Second Officer, not good. Oh, and I've inadvertently pushed my First Officer to become that which we, as a society hate and thought we evolved past, namely a racist, if that even applies in situations with artificial life.

Guinan: Wow, I meant, "How's it going deciding what you want to eat?"

Picard: ...and how did you feel after Lt. Yar was killed by Armus, the tar creature.

Louvois: Tar creature?

Picard: Yeah, it's just as ridiculous as it sounds.

 

[Leviathan]

Thanks for the KBLA!

Data: Oh, very nice. Guess what ELSE detaches commander? I'll give you a hint - it's 'fully functional'.

 

[Leviathan]

Steve Harvey: OK data....you need 5 points to win Star Trek: Family Feud.....name a famous robot from TV or movies.
Data: Me.
Steve Harvey: Show me 'Data"!

 

[Leviathan]

A rare image from the hastily deleted and buried pilot of Star Trek: Law & Order.

 

[Triskelion]

Riker: Whoa! Data, did you bother to tell anyone that your body parts could still move after they're detached??
Data: Erm, the, uh...Security Chief was aware, sir.

 

[Leviathan]

Louvois:Ah, well, that's not really a good argument Captain. Lots of Starfleet officers use a little mechanical-battery-aided help.

 

[Finn]

Guinan: It's not often I see you here.

Picard: Believe me, after three days of trying to serve Captain Bateson tea and coffee, you'd need a drink!

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Your Honor, Starfleet was founded to seek out new life. Well, there it sits!
...Googling itself.

 

[inflatabledalek]

TFTW LH! Especially as I spelt the name of the guy from Cheers wrong. Repeatedly.

Jean Luc: Wait a sec, Star Fleet automatically recognised Data's sentience when they gave him a commission right? We don't make non-sentient things officers.

Louvois: Good point, well made. Case dismissed. Well, that was unexpectedly easy. What do we do for the 40 minutes left in the episode?

Picard: Fancy a shag?

Riker: Yes.

Data: Sir, it is OK. I do not think this Samsung is over-heating.

Riker: So what you want to do is make an ARMy of Datas then?

Picard: Who puts a light bulb in a table?

Picard: Err, Mr Data...when I said we needed to find the measure of a man, that isn't what I meant. Put it away.

Louvois: It's telescopic!

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Picard: Who puts a light bulb in a table?

GUINAN: That's what John Taffer said before I cursed at him and threw him out. The nerve of that guy trying to rename my bar!