TNG Caption This! #444: Watching

[LeadHead]

Hello and Happy New Year everyone!

First up to the plate, we have the "History Repeats Itself" Award, going to:

PICARD: "They gave her back to me, Data."

DATA: "'Gave' her back, sir? I doubt it was that easy with Nechayev."

Next, we have the "Flashlights for those of us on this side of the pond" Award, going to:

Riker: I know the X-Files is coming back, but that doesn't make "Lighting by torch" cool again!

Next, we have the "Important Explanations" Award, going to:

PULASKI: It's a retrovirus...it causes a healthy person's skin to break out in old person makeup!

Next, we have the "Captain-Level Competition" Award, going to:

Picard: Janeway isn't the only one who can strike a sexy turbolift pose. In fact, I think I'm winning.

Next, we have the "Helpful Advice" Award, going to:

Ensign: Sir?

Worf: Yes, Ensign?

Ensign: Never mind, it's embarrassing.

Worf: Speak your mind, too often humans hide behind their social constructs of awkwardness. It in unfitting of a warrior such as yourself.

Engish: It's just...what do you use in your hair? I can't get the same shine and body with my shampoo.

Worf: Do you not use conditioner? Are you without honor?!

Next, we have the "I shoulda thoughta that....." Award, going to:

DATA: Huh. I just realized that throwing something at Kivas wouldn't affect the forcefield. Why hadn't I thought of that yet?

Next, we have the "Rude Drivers IN SPACE!" Award, going to:

Riker: Data, flash your side vents. That jerk on our left doesn't realize his brights are on.

Our Photoshop Award, goes to:

Ensign Hotness: Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?
Worf: Very well.
Ensign Hotness: Okay. It's morning. You're getting ready for bridge watch. You pull on your Starfleet uniform. Do you fasten and then zip, or zip and then fasten?
Worf: What kind of question is that?
Ensign Hotness: Well look, we got two hours to kill.
Worf: Forget it!
Ensign Hotness: Just a question.
Worf: Why do you want to know?
Ensign Hotness: Why do I want to know? Because I think of these things sometimes. I was getting dressed this morning, and for a second I couldn't remember which I did first! I started thinking about it. Does everybody do it the same way, is it a left-handed, right-handed thing?
Worf: Do you think about this stuff a lot?
Ensign Hotness: Yeah! Look, okay, I'm sorry I asked. And you're always so serious all the time. Not every conversation has to be the end of the world as we know it.
Worf: I did not mean to...
Ensign Hotness: Never mind, it's okay. I'll just --- watch my console. Don't worry about it.
Worf [a long pause and a sigh]: Fasten, then zip. You?
Ensign Hotness [perking up]: Fasten, zip! [They chuckle, then another long pause.]
Worf: How much longer?
Ensign Hotness [bored again]: One hour, fifty-seven minutes. Wanna talk socks?
Worf: No.
Ensign Hotness: It's just a question.
Worf: We are not having this conversation!

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: I think I handled myself well under that situation.

Worf: You screamed at a non-existent emergency.

Riker: I was hoping the party shuttle would be a little bigger than this.

Riker: Sorry, you're not important enough for the big screen.

Picard and Riker had a hard time sitting through the senior staff singing "Let it go."

Picard: Don't worry, Mister Worf. A random alien has just appeared on the bridge after we've been taken thousands of light years against our will. I'm sure everything will work out.

 

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: Captain, making puppeteer motions over Mr Data's head is in violation of several Starfleet Human Resources policies.

PICARD: You might want to let it air out for a bit.

EXTRA (thinking): Okay stay cool....don't miss your cue or flub the line.... Enemy crap on seniors!

DIRECTOR: Cut!!!!!

 

[FormerLurker]

Picard: This hand signalling turns is ridiculous! We're on a starship for heaven's sake!

 

[Gepard]

PICARD: It's bigger on the ins– [beat] – oh, wait no, it's perfectly normal.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

Thanks for the double win!

WORF: Captain on the bridge!
(Picard steps back into the turbolift, then back out)
WORF: Captain on the bridge!
(Picard steps back into the turbolift, then back out)
WORF: Captain on...Capt...Capt...sir, is there a problem?
PICARD: Nope, just seeing how long you'll do this.

PICARD: That is one cool flux capacitor!

ALIEN IN CONSOLE: Oh, and by the way. The officer in the gold shirt should know there's a hole in the back of his pants.

RIKER: What? I never had sex with his wife!
PROSECUTOR: That's your version. Dr Akbar's assistant speculated that you did. In our legal system, wild speculation is admissable as evidence.
PICARD: But do we have to watch the entire sex scene?
PROSECUTOR: Our legal system says yes.

DATA: Commander Worf. Is Captain Picard doing his marionette routine above my head again?
WORF: Yes sir.
DATA: I suppose I must play along.

 

[Gepard]

 

[Triskelion]

Worf: ♩ ♪ ♫ Helloooooooooooooo......♬ ♭ ♮ ♯
Goldshirt: ♩ ♪ ♫ Helloooooooooooooo...... ♬ ♭ ♮ ♯
Redshirt: ♩ ♪ ♫ Helloooooooooooooo......♬ ♭ ♮ ♯
All: HELLO!
Picard: Now that is ship-shape and Bristol fashion!

Picard: I haven't seen anything like this since I flew over Macho Grande VII.
Riker: Over Macho Grande VII, sir?
Picard: Yes that's correct Number One.
Worf: !@#$%^& if this were a Klingon ship....

Alien: My commendations to your Lieutenant Tasha Yar. She is commanding her station admirably!
Riker: Lieutenant Yar is no longer with us. That's Ensign Hairhelmet. Rod Hairhelmet.
Alien: Oh thank goodness, I was going to suggest she lay off the tacos.

Picard: Number One, is that your move?
Riker: No sir. Our uniforms don't have butt flaps.
Picard: Pity. I would have liked to try that one out in counseling, I mean on the holodeck.

Picard: Mister Data, tell me the estimated time of arrival at the Arugula Cluster?
Data: We will arrive at approximately -
<THWACK>
Data: About -
<THWACK>
Data: Around -
<THWACK>
Data: Precisely -
<THWACK>
Data: In...?
<...>
Data: In an hour or so.
<THWACK>
Data: What was that one for??
Picard: I didn't say Spocky Says.


http://www.trekbbs.com//www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Bagofmostlywatr]

Picard: Sit still Data, there's a fly on your head.
Worf: Stand aside sir, I will deal with it.
Data (thought): Please say he didn't just pull a Phaser

 

[shivkala]

Worf: Sir! I thought you called off sick today?

Picard: I, oh crap, this is the bridge isn't it? I thought I was on deck 17 near the spa!

Picard: If you are from the future, how come our records show you come from 200 years in the past?

Rasmussen: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.

Picard: Mr. Data?

Data: Actually, sir, that may be the most accurate description of time travel you are likely to find.

Riker: I visited a holographic with Doctor Phlox. I knew a holographic Doctor Phlox. Doctor Phlox's hologram was a friend of mine. Mister, you're no Doctor Phlox, hologram or not.

Riker suddenly realized his facial hair was an insult to the aliens.

Worf: I'm sorry sir, but this is necessary. You're exact words were, "Mr. Worf, if it appears I am about to break out into a musical number, say by signaling for someone 'off-stage' to throw a cane and/or top hat, shoot me!" I am just following your orders!

 

[Captain Crow]

Picard: You first Mistah Worf.

Worf: No sir, you first.

Picard: No. You.

Worf: No. You.

Picard: You.

Worf: You.

Picard: You.

Worf: You.

Picard: You.

Worf: You.

Picard: You.

Worf: You.

Picard: You.

Worf: You.

[2 days later]

Picard: You.

Worf: You.

Riker: They're still at it I see.

Data: Yes sir.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Oh no - I'm not falling for the old "painted-door-on-duratanium-hull-plating" gag again!

Picard: Just a moment - Mister Worf, hold your fire. Ok lost little girl, you can enter the bridge now.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "You might want to give it ten minutes. I had plomeek soup that fought back."
Ensign Noname: "Ah, we can get the next car."
Picard: "The whole turboshaft I'm afraid."
Worf: You are without honour."

Picard: "Oh merde, it smells like a dead targ in there."
Riker: "Ixnay on the argtay, sir. That's Worf's cologne."
Worf: "You are both without honour!"

Alien of the week: "Say, who's that ensign with the fine ass working tactical there. I'd like a piece of... wait, is this thing on?"

Picard: "The Blasian greeting ritual looks painful, pulling out the beard by the roots..."
Riker: "Brrdd, wht brrdd?"

"Captain's Log, Stardate 43501.2. Rumours are spreading through the ship that Data is attempting humour again, this time with the collected works of Roy Chubby Brown as inspiration. I am therefore administering a pre-emptive smack up the back of the head, before Worf blows his bloody positronic brain out."

 

[2takesfrakes]

... Thanks, for the win! >: )

Lwaxana Troi's fan dance was unforgettable ...

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard: "Mr. Dahtah, am the the handsomist, crome domish captain in all of Starfleet that still gets the MILFs?"

Data: Moving the strings, "Why, yes you are, captain Awesome."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Worf: Sir! That is not the correct procedure for Jazz Hands.

 

[Bagofmostlywatr]

Riker (Thinking): My God, that's worst than the one he left in the turbolift
Picard: "Captains Log...."

 

[Captain Crow]

Data: Q appears to have scrambled all the porn channels.

Riker: THE BASTARD!

Data: Initializing backup computer now.

Holly: Alright dudes, what's going down in groove town?

 

[indycar]

Worf: Are you okay sir?
Picard: Never keep me alone with him again.
Wesley: Goodbye captain! I'll see you again tomorrow!

Picard: Geordi what are you doing with that mannequin?

Extra (thinking): I was considered for the part of Data, now look at me.

They just finished watching Star Trek: Nemesis.

Picard: When I put my hand above him and move it upwards, his head moves up also.
Troi: Captain stop.
Worf: This is not honorable.

 

[Bagofmostlywatr]

Picard: Don't blame the pilot, the yellow line is there for a reason Mr Worf
Riker: I always wondered how good tritanium-toecaps really are, guess I know now
Crusher: I'm a doctor, not an engineer, you'll have to get someeone else to get the dent out of the shuttle
Pilot (extra at the back): I'll stand behind these three until I'm totally, totally sure he's calmed down... then I'll get the shuttle off his foot.