TNG Caption This! 290: Security Concerns...

[LeadHead]

Happy Sunday everyone! Another crazy weekend for LeadHead, sorry for the late start.

First up to the plate, we have the "Personal Calls" Award, going to:

PICARD: I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life as it has been… ah, wait a moment Number One, I'm getting a call on my bluetooth...

PICARD (distractedly): Hi... Yes, I'm telling him right now... OK, talk later... No, I can't say that here... he'll hear me, that's why!... Fine, fine... Locutie loves his Queenie-Weenie...

PICARD (back to Riker): Uh, right, where was I, again?

Next, we have the "Useful Technology" Award, going to:

Troi: (moans)
O'Brien: Ooooh! This new orgasmo beam works GREAT!

Next, we have the "Happy Halloween!" Award, going to:

Data: "What is trick or treating?"

Geordi: "Why do you want to know?"

Data: "I'd like to know what the middle-aged female in the house back there meant when she said, 'Hey you, you're too old to be trick or treating."

Next up, we have the "THAT'S gonna be a big ticket!" award, going to:

Data: "Are you aware you were doing Warp 6 in a 25 mile an hour zone? License and registration."

Next, we have the "So that's why that happened" Award, going to:

Picard: This new lighting is stupid, the day I approve it is the day I make you all dress as sailors.

Next, we have the "Technicalities" Award, going to:

Deanna was, technically, correct when she said she'd never kissed Riker with a beard before...

Next, I very rarely will let my own politics get into the Caption Contests I run, but this one had my LOLing! So I hope those of different political beliefs than mine will forgive me...

Locutus: Hello, do you have a few minutes to talk about the Church of Latter Day Saints?
Riker: Mr. Data, please note in the ship's logs that the Borg are now an even bigger threat than we imagined, they've assimilated Mitt Romney.

Our photoshop award goes to:

Riker: I don't remember leaving Miles O'Brien's bachelor's party last night
Geordi: Why is Data's head bolted to the ceiling?

SHELBY: My god, its Captain Picard.

RIKER: I'm not worried.

LOCUTUS: We are the Borg. We surrender.

RIKER: See.

Congratulations to all of our winners and many thanks to everyone who participated!

Lets go again!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Report, Mister La Forge.

La Forge: Not good, Sir. The Raiders are down by 11 with less than 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter.

Picard: Red Alert!

Data didn't blend in well at the Borg Rave.

O'Brien: We'll ship these to Voyager. I have a feeling they'll need the extra shuttle parts.

Picard: So, Number One, what did Admiral Nechayev say when she called?

Worf: Worf to Picard. They made off with the Rum.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Borg: "Relax! We're not going to hurt you! We just want your credit cards so we can buy more rubber tubing!"

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW!

PICARD: Put it away Mr La Forge. Just because you can't see us doesn't mean we can't see you. And what you're doing.

DATA: What do you mean, "There's a dress code to get in"?

O'BRIEN: Let's just file this one under "Things the Captain doesn't need to know about".

PICARD: I'm concerned that the crew think I'm too condescending...
PICARD: ...that means talking down to them, by the way.
RIKER: Oh, you!

WORF: Oh say can you seeeee...
PHASER-WIELDING CREWMAN: Stop or I shoot.

 

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win!

Picard: Do we know who won yet?
LaForge: The vote in Ohio's still too close to call.
Picard: We must know at soon as we can. If Obama wins Mr Worf agreed to shave his beard.
LaForge: What is Romney wins?
Worf: I get command of the Enterprise. I am most decorated after all.

Data: Query... did the Borg assimilate the Kama Sutra or are you just happy to see me?

O'brien: (whistling) Another one bites the dust!

Picard: Report
Riker: Deana's going through a dominatrix phase.... I'm not sure how to cope.

Worf: Who has stolen my cases of bloodwine? Only a Ferengi would do something so dishonorable!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Worf: "Dammit! I left my communicator somewhere!"
Crewman: "Is that a problem, sir?"
Worf: "Not if I left it somewhere I was supposed to be!"

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Thanks for the win!

MacDuff: "Wait, don't use the computer! I haven't tampered - ahh, I mean, I haven't cleared it for use yet."

Borg: "No. You will flood the whole compartment."

Data: "He will die."

Borg: "He is dead already."

O'Brien: "Blown up runabout, huh? Glad I don't have to put these things back together."

Picard: "Number One, what on Earth would possess you to die your hair green?"

Worf: "I think I just found a lump."

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: Worf to Picard, the container from the Nostromo marked "Xenomorph" appears to be empty.

 

[T'Girl]

Geordi: "Mom, you wouldn't believe the people I work with."
Mother: "Honey you ..."

Geordi: "Picard is a giant pussy, Riker is a egotistical moron, Ro is a professional victim like all Bajorians, Worf just want to shoot people, and there's this new red shirt who's name I can't remember ...
Mother: "Honey they ..."

Geordi: "They're all right behind me, aren't they?"

Data found that get through 24th century TSA security was intrusive.

Picard (os): "So Chief, you took the Captain's Yacht for it annual check. How is it?

O'Brien: "Just fine Sir, ah could you not come down to the flight deck for a few weeks?

 

[Armored Saint]

Data: According to my database, this Borg couple is examining my body to see if I may be a good husband for their daughter.

Worf: Worf to bridge!
Picard: Go ahead, Lieutenant Worf.
Worf: Captain, these boxes are full of phasers.
Picard: What is written on these boxes, mister Worf?
Worf: It’s written “PHASERS”, sir!
Picard: So, the phasers’ boxes are in the weaponry hangar and contain phasers?

Picard: What do you see Mr La Forge?
La Forge: A pieace of paper scotched on the wall...I read...“Not avalaible until Tuesday”

Picard: I swear it, Number One! I never wrote fart jokes on any caption contest!

Riker (os): What the hell did happen with this goddamn shuttle?
O’Brien: Do you know that story about an Emergency Landing Plan B on the Enterprise-A?
Riker (os): Yes....
O’Brien: It seems your Imzadi is not Hikaru Sulu.

 

[shivkala]

TFTW, Leadhead.

Worf: You know we have this big viewscreen thing over here. I'm just saying, group of people, small viewscreen, big honkin' viewscreen behind me not being used...

Despite assimilating Clive Anderson, the Borg still could not quite get the hang of the Whose Line is it Anyway game, "Helping Hands."

O'Brien: Okay, so you all get what we're doing. Wesley is dead and the Captain wants it to look like an accident...

Riker: Sir, you can drop the act, everyone knows "Science II" is your code word for "porn."

Security Guard: Sir, I realize it is important to be vigilant, but could you please perform your breast cancer self-exam somewhere else...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

O'Brien: "Jeez, look at these edges! You really think this even remotely qualifies as 'precision fabrication work'?"
Crewman: "Well...they were the low bidders--"
O'Brien: "They're Pakleds!!!

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

La Forge: Captain, our computer records show that as soon as this many redshirts are in the same location, one of them's sure to be killed!

MacDuff: [thinking] Aww crap!

O'Brien: [thinking] Honestly, I've been on this ship for years, an experienced Chief Petty Officer with decades of combat and technical experience, and they have me picking up rubbish! There has to be a better assignment, somewhere darker and grittier where I can be truely appreciated.

Even on duty Worf couldn't resist a bit of Klingon nipple play.

 

[inflatabledalek]

TFTW!

Picard: The captions this "Dead Head" character is picking are terrible, I miss Leadhead.

Geordi: They're the same guy.

Picard: They can't be, they have different names!

Data: I'm sorry I ruined the end of Skyfall...

O'Brien: Wait, that panel with the roundels... that's from the Tardis isn't it?

Riker: No, I have no idea what half these stations are for either.

Worf: Worf to Lister, we found the Curry supplies. Try to make them last this time.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Straighten up people, here comes the bowling ball.

Borg: You will adapt to service our UHF reception. Resistance is futile.
Data: Are you referring to my direct or alternating current?
Borg: You have already surpassed our annoyance threshold. Please leave.

Crewman: Couldn't we just transport this shit where it's supposed to go?
O'Brien: Not if you want to sue for disability at some point.

Picard: Now tell me, Number One. Was your password "Password?"
Riker: I don't know. Maybe?

Worf: Worf to Riker. Nothing down here but some crates of Cheateau Picard.

Riker: Ugh. Party over.

Worf: Wait - here's a bucket of Klingon bathtub hooch left over from my visit to the Monastery of Boreth.

Riker: Woo hoo!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Guy in back: "I never get to see the viewscreen."
Worf: "You're not missing anything. They're only scrolling through the old caption contests, laughing at the captions where the compare my forehead to human female genitalia."

Data: "Get your clamps off me, you damn dirty Borg!"

Picard on intercom: "Mr O'Brien, any progress with the shuttle?"
O'Brien: "We're just cleaning away the wreckage now. We located the flight data recorder, and it bears out Lt. Chakotay's testimony. The late instructor gave him a passing grade and cleared him for flight operations just before they crashed into the moon. Lt Chakotay therefore is a qualified shuttle pilot now."

Picard: "Don't you tilt your head at me in that tone of voice, Numbah One!"

Worf: "Ee plebnista..."

 

[bullethead]

Picard: Mr. Worf, open a hailing frequency with the closest Starfleet JAG office. This "Fashion It So" Tumblr needs to pay my catchphrase fee.
Random Redshirt: Sir, do you even have a catchphrase fee? I thought we don't use money.
Geordi: Preparing to beam him into space sir.
Picard: Make it so, Mr. La Forge.

There's nothing worse than being dragged to a Borg performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Everyone pitched into help cover up any evidence that poked holes in the story of Captain Janeway's "accident".

Riker: Sorry captain, we can't upgrade to LCARS 8. We're stuck with this until we get those bioneural gel packs Starfleet Command is gushing about.

Worf's discovery of the missing film meant that the 300 year quest to remaster every film and TV series made on Earth could be completed.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Worf: Sir, I have to report that once again someone hasn't been sorting through their recycling properly and has put paper in the plastic bin. 500 issues of Trombone Player Monthly. If only there was some clue as to who it was...

 

[T'Girl]

Picard: "Number One, how's your neck feeling since Lieutenant Yar showed you her pimp hand?"

Riker: "Coming along nicely Sir."





.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: So, that's your sarcasm face?

RIKER: Geee. what was your first clue?