TNG Caption This! 275: Quality Time

[LeadHead]

Happy Saturday to everyone! Hope you are doing well, lets get this show on the road!

First up to the plate, we have the "Unexpected Reactions" Award, going to:

Crusher: "I think you should stop, Data! I think he's overheating internally! There's steam shooting out of his ass!"
Picard: "Oh, very classy, Doctor!"
Crusher: "Well, there is!!"

Next, we have the "Vision of the Universe" Award, going to:

"And there it is. The Acuvue Nebula."

Next, we have the "Missing the Point" Award, going to:

Troi: Captain I am sensing great frustration coming from both you and Beverly.

Picard: Thats nonsense Dr Crusher isnt even in the room.

Troi: Shes hiding under the table.

Picard: ...

Troi: If you ask me your both a little old to be playing hide and go seek.

Picard: Oh we werent... (kicked by Beverly) ...err, Yes hide and go seek thats what we were doing, heh, just playing a childish game, that you interrupted...

Next, we have the "Short Chase" Award, going to:

Riker: Chase him into that extended fist!

Next, we have the "Klingon Tradition" Award, going to:

WORF: They say Kahless used to warm his hands like this; now, we all do it in his honour.

Our Photoshop award goes to:

Paramount exec #1 (OV): Here's the new HD version of TNG's The Price

Paramount exec #2 (OV): There's something familiar about this.

Paramount exec #1: It probably something from Babylon Five

Paramount exec #2: Yeah, those fans wouldn't notice anything

Picard: Point blank range and you hit his armpit? The bloody armpit?!

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congratulations to all of our winners!

I recently realized that just a few weeks back, I had done 100 TNG Caption Contests here as the judge! I can't believe you people have stuck with me this long! I'm starting to plan something to celebrate that, more details will come soon!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Worf told me to watch his station while he was gone.

Riker: You know he transferred to DS9, right?

Data: Computer, set lights and audio to Hangover Program 1.

Crusher often had to protect Geordi from the monsters hiding under his bed.

Picard: According to this, you ordered 300 cases of Scotch Whiskey?

O'Brien: Uh... yes Sir.

Picard: That's not nearly enough!

Frakes: Don't worry, Brent. I'm sure they won't forget to add in the special effects on the blue screen this time.

 

[shivkala]

Congratulations (or my sympathies, I'm not sure which one) on over 100 caption contests, Leadhead!

Data realized, all too late, he should have warned the crew they were about to go to ludicrous speed before hitting "engage" and not after.

Despite his best to immitate David Caruso's sunglass move with his VISOR, even Geordi couldn't save the short-lived CSI: Enterprise spin-off.

Picard: Thank you very much, Mr., um...
O'Brien: O'Brien, sir.
Picard: Yeah, whatever. Ship this size, turnover rate like it is, it's not like we'll ever see you again.

Riker: ...and the best part was, they were THIS big!

 

[Holdfast]

Thank you for the "Klingon Tradition" pick!

I recently realized that just a few weeks back, I had done 100 TNG Caption Contests here as the judge!

Thank you for running the contest for so long. It's been a pleasure knowing I've sticky-switched for you a 100 times.

RIKER: Comfortable?
PICARD: You'd think. But Worf left a phaser on the console.

DATA (thinking): Now they're all unconscious, all I have to do is trade their organs to the Vidiians and I'm rich. Rich, I tell you!

GEORDI (thinking): Is my VISOR not working right, or is she really hot when angry and with a phaser in her hand?

PICARD: The Deanna nudes; hand them over now.
(beat)
She's behind me, isn't she?
MILES (nods): And her angry Klingon boyfriend.

RIKER: This big. And totally natural.

edit: oh, I see shivkala's already done that gag. OK, instead, how about:

RIKER: I can't decide between the two options: beard or no beard?

 

[shivkala]

^
I admit it was an obvious choice. I was just surprised I got to out before anyone else!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Even in the 24th century: Haters gonna hate.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Thanks for the win, LeadHead!

Picard: "The ship feels...half-deserted. It's odd having all the women gone."
Riker: "Well, don't worry. Deanna's Tupperware party should be over soon."

 

[T'Girl]

Picard: " ... so anyway I told her I really didn't want a relationship right now."
Riker: "I see."
Data: "Phasers are firing Captain."

Picard: "Well, she started to get angry, which isn't what I was looking for."
Riker: "Of course not."
Data: "Phasers continue to fire Captain."

Picard: "And there were people coming, so I steer her into a side corridor by touching her arm .."
Riker: "Ohh, bad idea."
Data: "Phasers are continuing to fire Captain."

Picard: "She yells for me not to touch her, I mean real loud."
Riker: "Playing to her new audience naturally."
Data: "Phasers continue to fire Captain."

Picard: "Next thing I know, she backing me down the corridor, waving her arms everywhere."
Riker: "Drama queen bitch."
Data: "Phasers continue to fire Captain."

LaForge: "Phaser coils are over heating Captain."
Picard: "HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION HERE !!!!"
Riker: "Always something with those two."
Data: "Phasers are sweeping across the USS Republic's port bow Captain."

 

[Holdfast]

RIKER: On one hand, Shades of Grey. On the other, 50 Shades of Grey. Nope, just can't figure out which is worse.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: What did you think I meant by "submarine rides"?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: Deanna, I let you take the helm just one time and now look where we are!

 

[Ln X]

Picard: This is rather annoying number one...
Riker: How so?
Picard: Well after the Tau Ceti massacre, half the crew on the ship avoid me like the plague and I won't have this bridge half-staffed because everyone thinks I'm a genocidal maniac!
Riker: Aren't you?

Upon hearing from a fortune teller about his impending destruction on a Reman ship, Data promptly took over the Enterprise, flooded the ship with Neurozine gas and hightailed it out of there to the Delta Quadrant

Picard (o/s): I don't find anything about you remotely appealing doctor. I find you vulgar, tasteless and whorelike... Ha ha ha!
Beverly: Goodbye Jean-Luc!

Picard: Thank you Mr O'Brien for the report... And counsellor... (turns around) For Godsakes woman! Wear some trousers unless you want everyone seeing your clitoris!

Riker: What can I say? The old man just keeled over and died! So from this moment on I'm assuming command of the Enterprise.

 

[Lanny77]

Riker: Sir, we've identified that unusual energy signature. It's pure sass, being radiating from Jack Harkness Nebula
Picard: That would certainal explain Mr La Forge's stance

Crusher: Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
Geordi: You really need to stop playing Dixon Hill with the captain

 

[Isis]

Data: "That Riker. If it was not for him, I would be First Officer."

<brief pause>

Data: "He is right behind me, is he not?"

To say Crusher was disappointed with the Enterprise's remodeled bathrooms was an understatement.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "Yes, Chief, I know crew morale has gotten pretty low. But don't worry. Counselor Troi has gone to change her uniform in preparation for a plan she has to raise their spirits. Which reminds me...Computer, query: What is a 'pep rally?"

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Worf: Do NOT go in there!

Deanna: Mr. Worf, that was the briefing room, not the bathroom.

Worf: Oops.

O'Brien: Worf's at it again, I see....Captain, I believe you'll want to sign this. It's another requisition for industrial strength janitorial services.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Data's ability to flood the bridge with anesthizine gas ended the command staff's irritating penchant for backseat driving.

Riker: Captain, Lwaxana Troi is still on the viewscreen.
Picard, quietly: Yes, I know.
Riker: She's not going to go away just because you're pretending she's not there.
Picard: I realize that. I'm trying to "accidentally" close the connection by sitting on it, but I can't see, and I can't turn around or she'll know I know she's here --
Riker: Scootch over a bit to the right. Now er, apply pressure with your -
Picard (moves accordingly)
Data: Full spread of torpedos launched, sir! The ambassador's ship has been hit!
Riker: I meant with your other side!

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

Poor Data, always the designated driver.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: I think it's time for a new carpet.

The XXX parody had a strange effect on the entire crew bar Data.

Crusher: Damn car won't unlock, the batteries must be flat.

O'Brien: I'm a veteran of the Cardassian war Sir.

Picard: The what?

O'Brien: One of those wars that suddenly get mentioned in an episode four years into a show's run that everyone suddenly acts like it was a big thing that only just happened.

Picard: Oh, one of those.

Picard: I'm not saying you're overweight Will, but the chair is definitely buckling.

 

[Ln X]

Picard: I don't know who I'm more sick of, you or Worf.
Riker: Yeah but Worf doesn't arrive on time for his shifts.
Picard: I know that! I'm not an invalid you know!

This is why you have a second officer; for when the first officer is a right old lazy dossing bugger...

Beverly: Hold very still!
Picard: Are you sure phasering my head will cure my baldness?

Picard: You call this a report? It is lazy, sloppy, inaccurate, and NOT ON TIME!
O'Brien: But sir if you would just read it-
Picard: No excuses Mr O'Brien! (notices Troi) Counsellor I need some emotional 'therapy' so in my ready room now! And Mr Worf kindly eject Mr O'Brien out of the nearest airlock!
Worf: With pleasure sir!

Riker: Yeah I can get naughty... Real fricking naughty... Why do you ask?