THE PICARD CONSPIRACY

[Prax]

So after listening to episode 81 of the Earl Grey Podcast at Trek.FM, I thought this would make for an entertaining thread.

How do Starfleet Captains explain the insane events that happen to them? Whether its an after action report to the admiral or a postcard to a friend, how would you summarize the shenanigans into a report? One that immediately came to mind was the episode Battle Lines. I'll give an example:

To whom it may concern,

I received a call from Her Eminence, the Kai. She was inquiring about a tour of the station, So I decided to take her on a trip through the wormhole. She came alone...I guess her aids were too tired. So, we go through the wormhole, get shot down by something, and crashed onto this asteroid where these two heavy metal bands were condemned to fight against each other for all eternity. Then, it wasn't my fault, but the Kai was killed. She didn't really die though(I'll explain later), but she couldn't leave the planet, or she would have REALLY died. In fact, she wanted to stay. So.....we decided it was best to leave her on an asteroid in the Gamma Quadrant. Don't worry! We're gonna go back! We just have to get our Federation scientists to work, and eventually we'll figure out a way.

I am very sorry for this inconvenience,
Your Emissary.

So how would you explain the unexplainable, weird, or awkward circumstance found in Trek?


Here's the podcast if anyone is interested

adventure in Sherwood Forest? A temporal anomaly that repeats every 14 hours? The accidental creation of sentient life in the Holodeck? Viewers of The Next Generation realize that many of our favorite (and not-so-favorite) episodes contain plots that sound crazy when summarized. Darren, Daniel, and Phillip discover that they do not sound any saner when sent as log entries to Starfleet Command. The trio goes on a comic romp this episode and attempts to explain the logical reaction of Starfleet Headquarters to Captain Jean-Luc Picard's trek through space. Whether the good captain is suffering early from early symptoms of his neurological disease or whether he is the lead conspirator among his crew in covering up a range of ghastly serial killings, Earl Grey goes through seven years and the feature films. They explain how the U.S.S. Enterprise's mission logs paint a disturbing picture of our favorite Starfleet officers ... and may have, in fact, never happened.

http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/d/0/9/d09...89420393&hwt=8c6887e977408ea1bda19f639bdce989

 

[Tenacity]

I would imagine that the leadership of Starfleet are well aware that "strange shit" often happens in the universe, and that starship captains often find themselves and their ship right in the middle of it.

 

[at Quark's]

Dear mr. and mrs. Kim,

I'm happy to have returned from the Delta Quadrant, and proud and pleased to tell you that your son is in excellent health and that he performed exemplary on this slightly longer-than-anticipated mission.

Though he's not really your son. And yet, he is.

Your son got sucked out in the vacuum of space when my ship was bombarded by an almost exact copy of our crew & ship. We're just fortunate that the other crew sent over their version of Harry (which is the one I'm returning to you now) when my alter ego decided to make her ship go kaboom in order to prevent her crew's organs being harvested (your son can tell you more details if you wish). But if he were to start acting weird, weirder than usual I mean, this might explain it. And please, also keep in mind that weird is part of our job.

Come to think of it, perhaps I should tell you too that he's been dead quite a few times, tortured in more ways than I care to remember right now (though I'll never forget that one time when he was slowly being eaten alive, and no sedative even worked), infected by viruses that can grow up to a meter in size, starved in some alien penal colony, but all in all, nothing too strenuous, really.

Oh, and you'll be pleased to know I made sure he kept practicing the clarinet.

I'd be happy to recommend him for a next mission. Though I'd say it's a bit too early for a promotion yet.

Yours sincerely,

capt. Kathryn Janeway.

 

[JasonJ]

Dear mr. and mrs. Kim,

I'm happy to have returned from the Delta Quadrant, and proud and pleased to tell you that your son is in excellent health and that he performed exemplary on this slightly longer-than-anticipated mission.

Though he's not really your son. And yet, he is.

Your son got sucked out in the vacuum of space when my ship was bombarded by an almost exact copy of our crew & ship. We're just fortunate that the other crew sent over their version of Harry (which is the one I'm returning to you now) when my alter ego decided to make her ship go kaboom in order to prevent her crew's organs being harvested (your son can tell you more details if you wish). But if he were to start acting weird, weirder than usual I mean, this might explain it. And please, also keep in mind that weird is part of our job.

Come to think of it, perhaps I should tell you too that he's been dead quite a few times, tortured in more ways than I care to remember right now (though I'll never forget that one time when he was slowly being eaten alive, and no sedative even worked), infected by viruses that can grow up to a meter in size, starved in some alien penal colony, but all in all, nothing too strenuous, really.

Oh, and you'll be pleased to know I made sure he kept practicing the clarinet.

I'd be happy to recommend him for a next mission. Though I'd say it's a bit too early for a promotion yet.

Yours sincerely,

capt. Kathryn Janeway.

Oh man that was a good one! LOL. Poor Harry Kim.... haha...

 

[Prax]

OK, I've got another one. Following the events of Q Who, Captain Picard calls up Admiral So nSo from his ready room.

Admiral: What Happened? I hear you're heading to starbase 12 for repairs
Jean Luc: uhh, yes Admiral. We got carved up like a roast. I lost 18 people.
Admiral: You know, Picard, you're really starting to rack up the casualties. I never get these kinds of reports from the Potemkin.
Jean Luc: Yes sir, well wha..
Admiral: Lemme guess. You encountered another godlike alien being...
Jean Luc: Well yes actually. You see, it was my old friend Q
Admiral: Uh huh...
Jean Luc: And he wanted to serve as my crewman. It's quite humorous actually...
Admiral: ...right...
Jean Luc: I refused of course
Admiral: ...Of course...
Jean Luc: So then he naturally got upset...
Admiral: ...Naturally...
Jean Luc: ...And then he snapped his fingers and sent the Enterprise thousands of lightyears away. It was there that we encountered a giant floating cube filled with thousands of zombie-like mechanical people.
Admiral: I think I'll just read the rest in your report. Thank you, Captain.
Jean Luc: "You sound skeptical, Admiral. Guinan can verify everything I've said. She is intimately acquainted with the lifeforms we encountered today."
Admiral: "Guinan?"
Jean Luc: "Yes, Guinan. She is my bartender."
Admiral: Good day...Captain

 

[CRM-114]

If we assume that Starfleet's basic mission is exploratory, then they might reasonably consider the possibility of finding just about anything. That would seem to include anything that may defy and/or confound any obvious explanation. Also, since Starfleet also functions as a defensive arm of the Federation, they would certainly want to know about anything that could be considered a threat.

 

[Prax]

Did you listen to the podcast or read the description?

 

[Paul Weaver]

If we assume that Starfleet's basic mission is exploratory, then they might reasonably consider the possibility of finding just about anything. That would seem to include anything that may defy and/or confound any obvious explanation. Also, since Starfleet also functions as a defensive arm of the Federation, they would certainly want to know about anything that could be considered a threat.

These things do seem to keep happening to the same ship though.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

After Pen Pals

Admiral: So what does the prime directive say about saving prewarp planets from the apocalypse?
Picard: Don't save prewarp planets from the apocalypse.
Admiral: And what did you do?
Picard: Save a prewarp planet from the apocalypse.
Admiral: And?
Picard: The prime directive is callous and inhuman when applied to billions of preventable deaths, sir.
Admiral: That's it, I'm giving you a warning.