The Joke Thread.

[scotpens]

A grandfather, who was visiting his six-year-old granddaughter in Florida, watched her playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was, and how she was seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. The grandfather went over to her to see what had captured her attention, and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"It's called a Daddy Longlegs," her grandfather answered.

"So is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well," she said, "that may be okay in Vermont, but we're not having any of that shit in Florida!"

 

[rhubarbodendron]

EUROPEAN COMMISSION RULING ON THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

^Sadly, this is an almost exact description of the latest German spelling reform.

========================================

kindof a joke, but this actually happened at a friend's office:


Two secretaries work overtime. The guy who hands out fresh office supplies has already gone home when one of the secretaries runs out of paper.
She asks her colleague for a few sheets of paper. The other secretary unfortunately hasn't any left either but suggests: "how about taking some from the photocopier?"
"Excellent idea", the first secretary replies, walks to the machine and makes several copies of her last empty sheet of paper.

 

[trekkiedane]

Two secretaries work overtime. The guy who hands out fresh office supplies has already gone home when one of the secretaries runs out of paper.
She asks her colleague for a few sheets of paper. The other secretary unfortunately hasn't any left either but suggests: "how about taking some from the photocopier?"
"Excellent idea", the first secretary replies, walks to the machine and makes several copies of her last empty sheet of paper.

- But isn't that originally a blonde-joke?

 

[rhubarbodendron]

presumably the colleague was blonde
There are blonde men, too: the other day I found two of my male colleagues bent over the electric bread slicer in the office kitchen, completely mystified why it wouldn't work.
I flipped the switch on the power strip into 'on' position.

 

[trekkiedane]

^Like the FAQ in a German users manual:

Q: Why is my device not working?

A: Ensure that the device is plugged in and the on/off-switch is set to the "On"-position.​

Germans are nothing if not thorough

 

[rhubarbodendron]

LOL indeed. Unfortunately, some of us are pretty thorough at being idiots.

 

[trekkiedane]

LOL indeed. Unfortunately, some of us are pretty thorough at being idiots.

Anyone could do that, not notice that they've forgotten to plug in a device or switch it on, many of the first jokes I read on-line were help-desk-exclamations on the stupidity of 'pedestrian' users. To the extent of the help-desk-operative telling the proud owner of a new computer to pack it up and deliver it back to the shop because they were too stupid to own a computer (if they couldn't understand why it didn't work when all power in the building was lost).

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Technical support for wives

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football and SKY TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
........................................................................... ...............................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Gaming or Beer..
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot download new applications quickly.
It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Technical Support

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

 

[Silvercrest]

EUROPEAN COMMISSION RULING ON THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

"Meihem in ce Klasrum", Dolton Edwards, 1946.

Two guys are hiking in the woods when they suddenly find themselves face to face with a snarling grizzly bear...

Two photographers are shooting pictures of a grassy meadow when a bear emerges on the other side of the meadow, roars, and charges them. Unsure what to do, they keep taking pictures as he approaches. The bear is about halfway across the meadow and it's not yet clear who he's going after. Finally one photographer says to the other: "So what do we do now?"
"I don't know," is the reply, "but one of us gets to take one hell of a photo."

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

 

[scotpens]

So, these two dyslexics walk into a bra . . .

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

(Love this Hot Shots joke)

A bunch of people jumping out of a plane...

Jumper #1: Geronimo!
Jumper #2: Geronimo!
Geronimo: ME!!!

 

[Leith Jones]

"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"


"A programmer's wife told him 'Go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.'
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread."


"Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your MicroSoft software."


"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d."

 

[_C_]

 

[Gil T.Azell]

10 Science Jokes for Nerds...

Some corny Wednesday night fun
How Many Will You Get?


1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”

7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

▲ This list was republished from GeeKiez.com.▲

 

[May 20]

Re: 10 Science Jokes for Nerds...

 

[Random_Spock]

^^ Love those!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Two guys are out hunting in the woods one day. One of them is looking through binoculars and says to the other one, "Hey, I can see your house from here. Your wife is cheating on you with another guy!"

"Oh, I've had it with her," the second hunter says. "Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates."

The first hunter says, "I can get both of those in one shot!"

 

[Kai "the spy"]

Q: Why can't you make a pun to a cleptomaniac?
A: They always take things literally.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

You may have to do some research on this one, but...

Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar. A pretty lady walks by.

"I'm going to ask her out," Wade says.
"You can't do that, she's carrying my baby!" replies Steve.
"You wanna bet?" says Pete.