Self-Deprecate!
- Thread starter TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME
- Start date
No farts are truly worthy of trust unless they can strip the varnish off a foot locker.
Sometimes the body waits until one is wearing light colored trousers, just to make it more embarrassing.
Until you've been violently ill with food poisoning while wearing a thong, your argument is invalid.
Same here. Anyway the best 'on the fly' defense against surprise chocolate pudding when the bowels are on the fritz is to pack the butt with paper towels.
The one thing I can always find without a lot of trouble is ... a lot of trouble.
I was taking out the garbage one morning and I saw a snake. I reacted, of course, like a screaming pile of neuroses.
In full view of my next door neighbor.
In full view of my next door neighbor.
While driving with my wife on one occasion, she was giving me the usual hard time (driving too fast, etc.) I'd had enough and asked her at the next red light if she would like to drive. She said yes, and I flung open my door and got out. Too bad I forgot to put the car in park. The car drifted into the one in front of us, and hilarity ensued. 
Brought a folder up to the scanning room at work yesterday, and later it transpired that instead of the day's post it was notes for a meeting I'd been at earlier. I can be disturbingly absent-minded at times.
I myself am a blithering idiot at times. I'm surprised my limbs are attached considering I do a lot of carpentering in my work and use power tools. I have on more then one occasion managed to put a nail attached to boards trough my shoe, but has somehow always missed my toes or foot. On the list is also managed to narrowly avoiding powersawing my fingers off. Thus far my only real injuries relating to work are sprains, minor cuts and sunstroke.
My dad on the other hand dislocated his little finger when he slipped on a bit of exposed rock. I don't have a pick, but imagine an "L" and the foot of it being his little finger pointing out and in the wrong direction.
My dad on the other hand dislocated his little finger when he slipped on a bit of exposed rock. I don't have a pick, but imagine an "L" and the foot of it being his little finger pointing out and in the wrong direction.
Okay, I'm adding one to the "I was a total idiot" category...
On Monday I awoke with pain in my gut on the left side. It didn't go away and my dad thought I'd somehow pulled a muscle. Tuesday came and I still hurt and lost my dinner. Wednesday came and I was still in pain. I called the doctor, was told to head to the ER, and found out I had something rare that I have to wait out with strong pain meds and "the warrior's drink."
On Monday I awoke with pain in my gut on the left side. It didn't go away and my dad thought I'd somehow pulled a muscle. Tuesday came and I still hurt and lost my dinner. Wednesday came and I was still in pain. I called the doctor, was told to head to the ER, and found out I had something rare that I have to wait out with strong pain meds and "the warrior's drink."
Hope you're on the mend now, Peach.
A few days ago I knocked on my 17-year-old daughter's bedroom door at 7am to wake her up as per our usual routine on a school day. I heard her mumble something, confirming to me she was awake, and I crawled back in bed for a bit before puttering around in my bedroom and showering. I was getting dressed shortly after 9am when there was a phone call for my daughter. When I told the caller my daughter was at school the reply was a curt, "No, she's not". My daughter wasn't feeling well and never got out of bed and to school, and I hadn't noticed. I don't think the school is going to give me any kind of Parent of the Year award.
A few days ago I knocked on my 17-year-old daughter's bedroom door at 7am to wake her up as per our usual routine on a school day. I heard her mumble something, confirming to me she was awake, and I crawled back in bed for a bit before puttering around in my bedroom and showering. I was getting dressed shortly after 9am when there was a phone call for my daughter. When I told the caller my daughter was at school the reply was a curt, "No, she's not". My daughter wasn't feeling well and never got out of bed and to school, and I hadn't noticed. I don't think the school is going to give me any kind of Parent of the Year award.
My dad was over at my house one day helping me with the lawn. I happened to be driving home that same time, and I backed into the fire hydrant right across the street. Tore a huge hole in one of the doors of my car. In full view. Of my dad.
I still consider myself duly chastised, after all these years.
And another thing: My dad was also, once, witness to me coming home, three sheets to the wind, and 'decorating' the carpet in my bedroom.
He wasn't mad at me, though. He thought it was hilarious.
I still consider myself duly chastised, after all these years.
And another thing: My dad was also, once, witness to me coming home, three sheets to the wind, and 'decorating' the carpet in my bedroom.
He wasn't mad at me, though. He thought it was hilarious.
The colloquial term is "sharting."I remember on one occasion when I felt the need to pass gas, and ended up saying to myself "that's not air". So in that case, the self-deprecation was a self-defecation.
That happened to me once in sixth grade while sitting in class. I not only soiled myself, but had the audacity to announce within earshot of the teacher, "I just cut a wet one!" The teacher was not amused.
I called maintenance up to my hotel room because the phone wouldn't work.
Did I, they asked, hit the button for line 1 or 2?
...
no, dammit
Did I, they asked, hit the button for line 1 or 2?
...
no, dammit
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