Searching for an ex gay therapist

[Locutus of Bored]

This might come off as a joke (but it's not), but can you sue a doctor performing gay conversion therapy for malpractice/fraud if you are still gay after spending heaps of money on it? In the states where it isn't outlawed already that is.

No reputable therapists (much less doctors) perform this, but yes, you can sue for fraud. Now whether you can win is another matter given the extensive information publicly available about how these guys are snake oil salesmen.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/27/us/conversion-therapy-lawsuit/

 

[T'Girl]

I've been trying to find an ex-gay (gay reparative) therapist or group for more than a year now with no success.

You may first wish to seek out a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in sexual issues and therapy (google is your friend).

They might be able to determine what you want your personal end result to be. A good friend of mine (not gay) was profoundly uncomfortable with his heterosexuality, not so much the act, but that being his natural sexually orientation.

I'm not suggesting that this would be your goal, but my friend eventually determined after therapy that his best life style was to be celebate, an option which he hadn't considered. Hard as it might be to believe, today he is very happy and "well adjusted," happy in his own skin.

Only you can decide who and what you are.

Gay de-programming receives a lot of bad press, and for good resaon. If you are actually gay, this is something that was determined in your third week of life while still in the womb. Nothing can change that. But what you do with your sexuality is something you can exercise a certain degree of control over.

Don't let me or anyone here tell you what you can do.

The nice thing about advise is you don't have to take it.

I'm gay and transgende and have been in therapy before, if you want to talk more about what you perceive as a problem please fell free to PM me here.

Good luck.

 

[USS Triumphant]

I'm not going to ask for details.

Why not? It isn't like G.C. is forced to give them.

So, that said, what's the sitch, Gotham Central? Can you make us understand why you want this?

 

[BillJ]

Making peace with yourself and who you are is the only real "cure."

Can't really add anything more than the above. Make peace with who you are and cut ties with those people who can't see beyond that part of who you are.

 

[Gotham Central]

I'm not going to ask for details.

Why not? It isn't like G.C. is forced to give them.

So, that said, what's the sitch, Gotham Central? Can you make us understand why you want this?

I could explain but I don't think I could get you to understand which is OK. I've talked about it here before and most folks have little to no experience like mine which on the whole is a good sign for most folks

Needless to say I think this would be a wise course of action for me. I only wish I'd had access to it years ago. It would have saved me a lot in wasted time and therapy bills. But of course life is complicated and does not always work out the way we expect.

Years ago I probably would have opposed such therapy because I opposed the political motives behind those that develop such programs and promote them. Now I recognize that they may have something of value to offer.

 

[Misfit Toy]

I'm not going to ask for details.

Why not? It isn't like G.C. is forced to give them.

So, that said, what's the sitch, Gotham Central? Can you make us understand why you want this?

I could explain but I don't think I could get you to understand which is OK. I've talked about it here before and most folks have little to no experience like mine which on the whole is a good sign for most folks

Needless to say I think this would be a wise course of action for me. I only wish I'd had access to it years ago. It would have saved me a lot in wasted time and therapy bills. But of course life is complicated and does not always work out the way we expect.

Years ago I probably would have opposed such therapy because I opposed the political motives behind those that develop such programs and promote them. Now I recognize that they may have something of value to offer.

Please understand that most people here are concerned that taking this course of action may harm you - and we don't want you to end up being hurt.

Please, as T'Girl and others have suggested, discuss this with a licensed licensed mental health counselor who specializes in sexual issues and therapy.

 

[Pingfah]

Years ago I probably would have opposed such therapy because I opposed the political motives behind those that develop such programs and promote them. Now I recognize that they may have something of value to offer.

Can you possibly explain what has lead you to this conclusion? I would think that most people would agree that it has never been more apparent that these therapies don't work.

If you are expecting to not be gay at the end of the experience, then that is not a realistic outcome, which leads me to assume that is not the outcome you are aiming for?

 

[Trekker4747]

To echo what others have said here, go see an actual doctor in the mental health field. You're more likely to get results that will mean something and help you than going to a snake-oil salesman who'll try and "cure" you of something that you are but are not comfortable with. Call your PCP or insurance provider and have them set you up an appointment with an actual mental health professional who deals with gender/sexual identity issues. You're more likely to get meaningful results worth your time and money.

Don't fall for these fly-by-night "pray away the gay" organizations or similar. There's not one shred of scientific evidence that they work.

 

[Amaris]

I can't offer any links or services, Gotham, but I do hope you find the peace of mind you so desperately want.

 

[Gotham Central]

Years ago I probably would have opposed such therapy because I opposed the political motives behind those that develop such programs and promote them. Now I recognize that they may have something of value to offer.

Can you possibly explain what has lead you to this conclusion? I would think that most people would agree that it has never been more apparent that these therapies don't work.

If you are expecting to not be gay at the end of the experience, then that is not a realistic outcome, which leads me to assume that is not the outcome you are aiming for?

You are quite correct. I don't pretend to believe that said therapy can actually make one really straight. However, what I do believe is that such therapy can do is teach me how to properly live without and and not desire to have certain things in my life.

If one has no legs one learns to stop wanting to run. If one has no voice, one learns to stop wanting to sing. This is what I've got to learn to live without.

Again, I could try to explain but few would understand it, and quite frankly I've tired of being made to feel like even more of a freak by those that have no Idea what I go through…especially those for who such things come so easily.

 

[Maurice]

As an out gay man who's watched a lot of people struggle with their sexual orientation, I'm going to second the thought that what you should do first is talk to a professional about what you're feeling and why before undertaking any kind of process for Kohlinar-ing your feelings.

From your location I would suggest contacting the Center on Halstead (page link) and ask to speak with someone about what you're going through.

And you can always PM me if you need addition information.

 

[Kommander]

Again, I could try to explain but few would understand it, and quite frankly I've tired of being made to feel like even more of a freak by those that have no Idea what I go through…especially those for who such things come so easily.

I recall you expressing an interest in ex-gay "therapy" before, but beyond that, I don't recall anything else. Still, I can say with full confidence that you're not the only one. Whatever you've experienced, others have as well. If you feel like a freak, well, that's your problem. If others are or have treated you like a freak, they're ass holes, and you've done nothing wrong.

I'm going to agree with everyone else that seeking out a gender/sexuality specialist would probably be a better idea. The primary reason I say this is because the issue is almost certainly more complex than you're making it out to be, and more than an ex-gay program can handle, while a real therapist might be able to handle it.

I don't pretend to believe that said therapy can actually make one really straight. However, what I do believe is that such therapy can do is teach me how to properly live without and and not desire to have certain things in my life.

So, to paraphrase, you're seeking out ex-gay therapy because you believe it will help you to make lifestyle changes that you feel are necessary? That's what a real therapist would do, and would almost certainly do a better job of it. A real therapist might also help you to consider options you haven't previously considered.

 

[Relayer1]

Commander seems to have the right idea. A real therapist might be able to help you to where you wish to be. It is hugely unlikely that you would succeed by going the ex-gay route.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

. I don't pretend to believe that said therapy can actually make one really straight. However, what I do believe is that such therapy can do is teach me how to properly live without and and not desire to have certain things in my life.

If one has no legs one learns to stop wanting to run. If one has no voice, one learns to stop wanting to sing. This is what I've got to learn to live without.

Again, I could try to explain but few would understand it, and quite frankly I've tired of being made to feel like even more of a freak by those that have no Idea what I go through…especially those for who such things come so easily.

My heart goes out to you, because you are obviously in a lot of emotional pain.

But I don't believe you can learn not to desire something that you do desire. The issue is learning how to deal with those desires, how to act or not act on those desires. That, a well-trained and competent psychotherapist can help with.

I also don't think that desires necessarily go away just because you know you can't do something. To use your running example, I used to be a long-distance runner. I stopped years ago, realized a few years later how much I missed it, and tried to start again. Unfortunately, a relatively minor physical issue put a quick stop to that. Now, I have a major physical reason why I can't run (plus, the neurosurgeon who saved my life would kill me ). But that does not keep me from sometimes wanting so badly to turn a long walk into a run. If anything, by now I've forgotten all the pain and exhaustion and sweat and just remember longingly how great the best runs felt.

As for "few would understand," I've seen several people talking here about sexuality that is a bit out of the mainstream. I suspect you'd find more support than you expect.

 

[Gotham Central]

As an out gay man who's watched a lot of people struggle with their sexual orientation, I'm going to second the thought that what you should do first is talk to a professional about what you're feeling and why before undertaking any kind of process for Kohlinar-ing your feelings.

From your location I would suggest contacting the Center on Halstead (page link) and ask to speak with someone about what you're going through.

And you can always PM me if you need addition information.

Thanks for all of the concern folks but its not really necessary. I've seen all sorts of therapists and even done a bit of group therapy. But life and therapy don't always go hand in hand.

So know that I don't do this in a vacuum (if I'm able to do anything given that its been shockingly hard to find a group/therapist).

Its funny you mention the Kohlinar. I've long wished that such a purge of emotion was possible. That would be awesome! Hopefully I'll learn the tools to come close

 

[USS Triumphant]

Without more info, I'm left speculating on what you need.

Based on that speculation: Since formal professional therapy (which I agree with others here is probably the best answer) seems undesirable of ineffective to you for some reason, would an abstinence or celibacy support group like Abstinence America or Passion 4 Purity or some such be of help? My understanding of regular Christian church doctrines that condemn homosexuality is that it isn't actually people being gay that is supposedly a problem, but rather that they act on it - a position that I still find cruel, myself, but this seems more realistic than trying to learn to pretend to be straight with some "Pray the gay away" group.

 

[Maurice]

As an out gay man who's watched a lot of people struggle with their sexual orientation, I'm going to second the thought that what you should do first is talk to a professional about what you're feeling and why before undertaking any kind of process for Kohlinar-ing your feelings.

From your location I would suggest contacting the Center on Halstead (page link) and ask to speak with someone about what you're going through.

And you can always PM me if you need addition information.

Thanks for all of the concern folks but its not really necessary. I've seen all sorts of therapists and even done a bit of group therapy. But life and therapy don't always go hand in hand.

So know that I don't do this in a vacuum (if I'm able to do anything given that its been shockingly hard to find a group/therapist).

Its funny you mention the Kohlinar. I've long wished that such a purge of emotion was possible. That would be awesome! Hopefully I'll learn the tools to come close

Therapists who specialize in the kinds of issues you're having? Because not all therapists have training or practical experience with what you're describing.

re Kohlinar. It's a Trek board, I have to stay on topic.

 

[Christopher]

Its funny you mention the Kohlinar. I've long wished that such a purge of emotion was possible. That would be awesome! Hopefully I'll learn the tools to come close

Trust me, you don't want that. When I was a kid, dealing with the grief of losing my mother and the pain of being bullied, I tried to follow Spock's example and suppress my emotions, but I ended up being more like the Incredible Hulk, since without a healthy release the emotions just built up until they burst out of me in dysfunctional ways. I came to accept, around the same time Spock did in ST:TMP (and maybe in part because of that), that emotion is natural and needs to be accepted, that fighting it just does more harm.

Emotion cannot be eliminated. Without emotion, there is no motive to make any decision or undertake any action. Neurological studies have shown that even the most detached intellectual tasks, like solving math and logic problems, engage the emotional centers of the brain, because we feel a need to find a solution or an affinity for a correct answer. Feeling is an inseparable part of thinking. Even the attempt to deny or avoid feeling is motivated by an emotion, the desire to avoid pain.

But emotion can be managed and directed. Once you accept it as part of yourself, that gives you the ability to take control of it -- or simply to acknowledge it and move beyond it, rather than letting it oppress you. Think in terms of martial arts -- it's about letting the energy flow through you and redirecting it smoothly in the direction you want, rather than trying to struggle against it and hurting yourself in the process. Indeed, martial arts or yoga can be excellent for calming the mind and learning emotional discipline.

If one has no legs one learns to stop wanting to run. If one has no voice, one learns to stop wanting to sing.

I'm sure that's not true. The desire to do something you used to do never goes away once it becomes impossible. You can accept that it will never happen anymore, but you'll still miss it. Desire cannot be erased. It's part of our instinct and brain chemistry. It can only be coped with, and the first step in doing that is accepting its presence. Instead of expending energy on wishing it would go away, you accept that it's going to be there, take it in stride, and move on.

 

[doubleohfive]

Forgive this sidebar, but I had no idea you lost your mother at such a young age, Christopher. I'm sorry to learn that about you and of course offer my condolences, decades later though they may be.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

A very good post Christopher, thanks for that.