Perspectives on Solitude

[RoJoHen]

I'm 26, never been in a relationship, and I'm not really trying to get into one. Until I'm truly ready to settle down and start a family, it seems like a waste of time. I think I've been programmed to think that I'm supposed to want a partner, but I really don't think I want one right now. When I see my friends in relationships, I just get annoyed.

They tend to fall into one of two categories:

1) Couples that like each other too much and never leave each others' sight. Even when they're out with other people, they don't pay any attention to anyone else but themselves.

2) Couples that don't let the other one do anything. This tends to be something wives do to husbands. Just because you get married doesn't mean you should suddenly be forced to give up your life or your friends or your freedom. As long as you're being responsible and not doing anything to jeopardize the relationship, you should still be able to do stuff on your own without your spouse's permission.

Sometimes I get lonely, but I've noticed that it happens because I go too long without seeing my existing friends. My loneliness has nothing to do with my lack of a partner.

 

[SPCTRE]

They tend to fall into one of two categories:

1) Couples that like each other too much and never leave each others' sight. Even when they're out with other people, they don't pay any attention to anyone else but themselves.

2) Couples that don't let the other one do anything. This tends to be something wives do to husbands. Just because you get married doesn't mean you should suddenly be forced to give up your life or your friends or your freedom. As long as you're being responsible and not doing anything to jeopardize the relationship, you should still be able to do stuff on your own without your spouse's permission.

To be fair, those are extreme ends of the spectrum. I don't mean to discount your examples, I just don't think you should be so jaded about relationships since the majority of them are quite moderate in terms of commitment/obligation/closeness.

 

[Lindley]

IEven back then, I was a "late bloomer" in that I didn't start dating women until I was 18 years old

That's not late.

 

[RoJoHen]

They tend to fall into one of two categories:

1) Couples that like each other too much and never leave each others' sight. Even when they're out with other people, they don't pay any attention to anyone else but themselves.

2) Couples that don't let the other one do anything. This tends to be something wives do to husbands. Just because you get married doesn't mean you should suddenly be forced to give up your life or your friends or your freedom. As long as you're being responsible and not doing anything to jeopardize the relationship, you should still be able to do stuff on your own without your spouse's permission.

To be fair, those are extreme ends of the spectrum. I don't mean to discount your examples, I just don't think you should be so jaded about relationships since the majority of them are quite moderate in terms of commitment/obligation/closeness.

I'm just going by what I see.

 

[I Grok Spock]

They tend to fall into one of two categories:

1) Couples that like each other too much and never leave each others' sight. Even when they're out with other people, they don't pay any attention to anyone else but themselves.

2) Couples that don't let the other one do anything. This tends to be something wives do to husbands. Just because you get married doesn't mean you should suddenly be forced to give up your life or your friends or your freedom. As long as you're being responsible and not doing anything to jeopardize the relationship, you should still be able to do stuff on your own without your spouse's permission.

To be fair, those are extreme ends of the spectrum. I don't mean to discount your examples, I just don't think you should be so jaded about relationships since the majority of them are quite moderate in terms of commitment/obligation/closeness.

I'm just going by what I see.

Look harder.

 

[RoJoHen]

Um...no.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

Well, if at the age of 26 you're not expecting to discover a great deal that you don't yet know about human beings and their relationships in the next five or six decades you might as well throw in the towel.

 

[RoJoHen]

Well, if at the age of 26 you're not expecting to discover a great deal that you don't yet know about human beings and their relationships in the next five or six decades you might as well throw in the towel.

At no point did I ever say that.

 

[LitmusDragon]

I've had a lot of the same issues that people are talking about here but am a bit older than most people posting (37 now), and I've found that what I had to do was learn to forgive myself for being who I am. I grew up in a conservative part of the country and had a lot of christian guilt that I carried around with me for a long time. Just because I don't value the things that I was raised to value doesn't make me a bad person.

Not that I'm a social butterfly or anything but I am making progress in that direction.

 

[Owain Taggart]

I've had a lot of the same issues that people are talking about here but am a bit older than most people posting (37 now), and I've found that what I had to do was learn to forgive myself for being who I am. I grew up in a conservative part of the country and had a lot of christian guilt that I carried around with me for a long time. Just because I don't value the things that I was raised to value doesn't make me a bad person.

Not that I'm a social butterfly or anything but I am making progress in that direction.

Yep, same here. I'm slowly tearing that wall down and I've been trying to reach out socially. It often means trusting people and letting my guard down, but I feel I've become better at that over the years.

 

[propita]

I don't know if this will help, but maybe if some of the people here try talking with someone, not to start a relationship, but just to talk. The first step is just being able to actually speak. Forget about the next step for now.

And don't limit yourselves to attractive people. You're not looking for a relationship yet. You're looking to try to hold a conversation. Get good at that first. I talk to complete strangers all the time, male and female. Sometimes we've talked for over a half hour. Not flirting (I'm happily married), just chatting away. And making them laugh. It's amazing how good it feels to help someone smile and relax.

Y'all with problems talking with people, come see me. You'll be able to talk with people no problem after that.

 

[Gryffindorian]

One other thing I wanted to mention is the difference in views between the younger and the older single people. It seems most people (guys in particular) in their 20s and early 30s tend to actively seek out relationships more than those who are older, say 35 and above. And that's perfectly fine and understandable. The mentality is that when you're young, finding a partner, getting married, and eventually starting a family are the expected norms. When you've reached a certain age and still haven't found a mate, being single and unattached doesn't seem to be so bad that you get used to it. There are always exceptions, of course.

 

[Mr Silver]

I'd like to mention that sex plays a bigger factor in younger peoples lives as to where relationships are concerned. But thats a natural response, particulary in males to seek out sexual partners to fulfill the urges placed upon you by your sex drive.

Trouble is, it isn't easy and this is where stereotypes are enforced "all men care about is sex" because men resort to underhand tactics and poor play in order to satisfy their sexual urges. In the case of straight men, it is women who are often left feeling hurt because they have been used for sex.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I'd like to mention that sex plays a bigger factor in younger peoples lives as to where relationships are concerned. But thats a natural response, particulary in males to seek out sexual partners to fulfill the urges placed upon you by your sex drive.

I forgot to bring up this very important point. The younger a guy is, the greater the libido. Women don't reach their sexual peak until their late 20s/30s(?).

Trouble is, it isn't easy and this is where stereotypes are enforced "all men care about is sex" because men resort to underhand tactics and poor play in order to satisfy their sexual urges. In the case of straight men, it is women who are often left feeling hurt because they have been used for sex.

Agreed, this is very true. The generalization that "all [straight] guys are jerks" is totally unfair. For every jerk, there are maybe three or five sincere and nice guys who treat their women right and respect them. The problem is, that the douchebags who seek nothing but sexual conquest give the rest of the male population a bad name.

 

[Trelane]

Hookers. Nuff said. Dating is fraught with pit-falls, sugar-babies, and hypocrites, so I'd avoid dating (exclusively) for now.

I'm in the same situation as you, but I enjoy being in distance relationships. I enjoy working, knowing my lady is waiting for me on phone/skype/yahoo instant messenger when I get home.

Take your time. Now is the time to save-up for travel. (Backpack through Europe or wherever the wind takes you as the economy is all about being able to relocate, if you're promoted to management or if you sign-up as franchisee.)

If you're married with kids, you won't have nearly as many options -- at least, not without a crapload of drama.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

I'd like to mention that sex plays a bigger factor in younger peoples lives as to where relationships are concerned. But thats a natural response, particulary in males to seek out sexual partners to fulfill the urges placed upon you by your sex drive.

I forgot to bring up this very important point. The younger a guy is, the greater the libido. Women don't reach their sexual peak until their late 20s/30s(?).

Yeah, but that's a generalization too.

 

[Gryffindorian]

I don't mean to generalize; there are always exceptions. But my point is that this a biological fact. All one has to do is Google "male libido and aging."

http://health.ezine9.com/male-libido-and-age-1497b7f879.html

Decrease in libido, according to the article, is a part of aging, though aging is not the only factor involved.

EDIT: I meant no offense to any guy in his 40s, 50s and above if I in any way implied that his sexual prowess is less than that of a younger person, which is not always the case. I'm pretty sure there are men out there well into their 70s who are enjoying a healthy sex life; in the same regard, there may be guys in their teens, 20s or 30s who aren't all interested in a sexual relationship.

 

[CaptJack]

Just came off 5 1/2 years of an on-again, off-again relationship - the only one I've ever had in my life - that involved two instances of us being engaged. Now, at 27, I feel like I'm staring into the abyss. I've got another year until I finish grad school and can begin to work on having a career - until then I find it difficult to contemplate how I can even financially support being in any kind of relationship.

Though I'd much rather not be alone, I do not feel comfortable going out and trying to meet other people yet, and I really do not feel that I am at a level of independence (as I have no job and am living with my family still) where I can support a lasting relationship. Getting through to that point in my life seems like an impossible undertaking right now, though I have to hope that I will be able to look back on this as a part of my life that led me in a better direction.

 

[LitmusDragon]

Hookers. Nuff said. Dating is fraught with pit-falls, sugar-babies, and hypocrites, so I'd avoid dating (exclusively) for now.

Stupid question, but how does one actually find a hooker? Off the street? Escort ads?

If prostitution were legal and regulated I'd seriously consider the option at this point. Massive drought over here.

I'd like to mention that sex plays a bigger factor in younger peoples lives as to where relationships are concerned. But thats a natural response, particulary in males to seek out sexual partners to fulfill the urges placed upon you by your sex drive.

Trouble is, it isn't easy and this is where stereotypes are enforced "all men care about is sex" because men resort to underhand tactics and poor play in order to satisfy their sexual urges. In the case of straight men, it is women who are often left feeling hurt because they have been used for sex.

I hate our adversarial sexual reproductive system and think that God must be insane for having designed it that way (if I actually believed he existed). It's like a template for human suffering.

Decrease in libido, according to the article, is a part of aging, though aging is not the only factor involved.

I always read this but I wonder, if this is true then where does the stereotype of the "dirty old man" come from?

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

All things are relative. A lot of guys are so sexually obsessed that you can cut that by fifty percent and still have a guy who's sexually aroused by the legs on a coffee table.