Perspectives on Solitude

[Gryffindorian]

Inspired by Trekker4747's Relationship Advice & Support thread, which was in turn inspired by Aldo's Approaching a Girl thread, I hereby start a new thread based on the absence of a relationship. I'd like to hear people's perspectives on being single and/or unattached.

Here's my situation. I'm a 37-year-old gay/bi guy, and I haven't been in a relationship with anyone since I was in my late teens or early 20s. Even back then, I was a "late bloomer" in that I didn't start dating women until I was 18 years old and living in a foreign country (and only with the encouragement of friends and family). Throughout my high school years in the U.S., I was a loner and didn't really socialize much, let alone approach any girl I liked, not having much self-confidence. I was totally fine with this because I always gravitated towards my family and friends.

Becoming an adult hasn't done much to change the status quo. I'm still very much an introverted type of person, and I'm totally fine with it. It's not that I hate interacting with people in general; I just don't see myself as a gregarious person. I'm mostly quiet, private, and aloof, sometimes even amongst friends and relatives.

I'm not opposed to being in a relationship, but it's a bit more complicated than that. For one thing, I just feel I'm not secure or experienced enough to be involved with someone romantically; therefore, I wouldn't make a very good partner. Someone in another forum suggested that I just go out, meet people, and start having sex, and my response was that I didn't want to be in a relationship for the sake of "getting laid." Surely, there's got to be more to a relationship than physical intimacy. In addition, I'm enjoying the freedom of being single and not constantly having to depend on the presence of a partner. I admit couples probably have more fun in terms of doing things together, like traveling, dining out, enjoying each other's company, SEX, etc.--and I'm missing out on a lot of these things. Yet on the other hand, the prospect of being half of a partnership seems very daunting to me, especially when I hear about others' relationship and marital issues.

While other people my age are already married and have kids of their own, I've somewhat chosen the path of celibacy. As I grow older, I've become more and more accustomed to this lifestyle. I have two very good friends who share the same sentiments (both are retired and much older than I). "Jack" is in his 70s and, although he dated a number of women many years ago, is quite content living by himself and pursuing his interests in the arts and culture. My other friend "Madge" is divorced, in her mid-60s, and would prefer not to be in a relationship at this point in her life. She's just happy to be spending time with her kids and grandkids.

I suppose there is no single answer, right or wrong, to why I'm single and unattached. Someday, perhaps when I'm much older, I would seek out a relationship or companionship. One thing I would like to do before I die is to have sex. (If only that were to happen soon--sex, not death).

What say you? Anything you'd like to share?

 

[Admiral Shran]

I'm a 32 hetero male. Never had a girlfriend. Hate myself because of it.

I can't stand being single, though it's not for lack of trying. I just can't muster up the courage to talk to attractive women, much less ask one out. I tried just earlier today and failed miserably.

 

[Amaris]

I'm a 31 year old, pansexual male, and when it comes to being in a personal relationship, I have no one and am very lonely. I lost my virginity last year, and am essentially (for now) celibate due to circumstances currently beyond my control. In terms of friends and family, I've become tired. More and more I find myself wanting to push off from them, even if it means being homeless to do it. My whole life has been spent in the service of others, and my personal and professional life has been sorely neglected. I see my life as one giant mistake, one that becomes worse every day.

I have many friends and former classmates who are now married, and have children, and for that I envy them. While I can be solitary, and enjoy the solitude, I am finding that I just want to shut myself up and be left alone. I'm not sure if that's who I really am at heart, because it took many years for me to "come out of my shell", and so I am conflicted; wanted to be gregarious and friendly to everyone, but also wanting to be left alone; to be left to my own self, not used time and time again.

Sorry, I had to let off a little steam.

 

[donners22]

I had my first relationship at 25, and had never even considered the prospect before. It was an utter disaster, nearly forced me out of work, and could well have ended up in the courts if I hadn't decided it was too much trouble.

That probably should have put me off, but the prospect of being alone after that was somehow unsettling. I had, in a very short time, started to consider having a family of my own, and it had its attractions.

Unfortunately, they are primarily around my desire to leave a lasting legacy and to not die alone - selfish motivations. Part of me thinks that I would be much better off to be a sperm donor, so that I can have at least some contribution to a future generation without having to go through a relationship.

I suppose my greatest fear is from seeing other people with Aspergers (mainly through the courts system) and hearing from their partners how difficult it is to live with them, and from their children about their failings as parents. I don't want to be one of those people, especially when it's to satisfy my own selfish desires.

I am in a relationship now, but it is not going well, and has not gone well for some time. I think I cling to it for fear of being alone, but I wonder if it is detrimental for both of us. Perhaps it is best for both of us if I were alone.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Admiral Shran, there are many others like you (in this forum and IRL) who don't feel like they have self-confidence, and I know from experience that it can be hard to approach someone. My only advice is not to give up. Get some counseling if you have to. Try some activities that may boost your confidence level.

J., sorry to hear about the things you've been through, and I understand your need to be left alone. I hope you sort things out and have some peace of mind. There have been times when I feel I'm not satisfied with the way things are in my life and that I want to just get away from everyone and everything--both family and work. I don't know if it's all just stress-related. But I'm also fully cognizant that I need people in my life (friends and family), and I'm always very thankful for their presence and support.

EDIT:

^^ Good luck to all of you.

 

[Miss Chicken]

I am 53 years old and haven't been in a relationship since 1991. When I broke off with my last boyfriend I had a good, hard look at myself and realized that 1 was happier when I wasn't in a relationship and decided that I should embrace being single. I have never regretted this as I am very content with my life.

 

[Admiral Shran]

Admiral Shran, there are many others like you (in this forum and IRL) who don't feel like they have self-confidence, and I know from experience that it can be hard to approach someone. My only advice is not to give up. Get some counseling if you have to. Try some activities that may boost your confidence level.

I've been in counseling for over four years now. It's helped somewhat. Before, I couldn't even make eye contact with an attractive woman. It was so bad that I couldn't even bear being in the same room with an attractive woman.

Now, I can talk to them on occasion, rare occasions. I've even asked some out - though that hasn't helped as they all have rejected me.

But, I'm not giving up. The instance earlier today I spoke of was my trying to ask someone out that I can talk to. Couldn't bring myself to do it, though.

 

[Owain Taggart]

I'm a 32 hetero male. Never had a girlfriend. Hate myself because of it.

I can't stand being single, though it's not for lack of trying. I just can't muster up the courage to talk to attractive women, much less ask one out. I tried just earlier today and failed miserably.

Ditto, except that my age is different.

For me, a lot of it has to do with the bullying I endured at school. It made me more guarded and highly skeptical. There was one girl I liked, and I had heard she liked me. Although it was one of those where you know their face but never really knew their name, or their name isn't something you associate with their face even though you've heard the name many times. We went to summer school together, and I guess being around me made her like me, and then she had one of her friends give me a note with her phone number on it. And because I was skeptical because of having had prank calls in the past, as it had never occured to me who it actually was, I had checked the phone book and when I couldn't find the number, I never called, and it never really came to me that it might be unlisted. I still kick myself over that one. I'm sure that if I had realized who she was, it would be a different story.

 

[Amaris]

Admiral Shran, there are many others like you (in this forum and IRL) who don't feel like they have self-confidence, and I know from experience that it can be hard to approach someone. My only advice is not to give up. Get some counseling if you have to. Try some activities that may boost your confidence level.

J., sorry to hear about the things you've been through, and I understand your need to be left alone. I hope you sort things out and have some peace of mind. There have been times when I feel I'm not satisfied with the way things are in my life and that I want to just get away from everyone and everything--both family and work. I don't know if it's all just stress-related. But I'm also fully cognizant that I need people in my life (friends and family), and I'm always very thankful for their presence and support.

EDIT:

^^ Good luck to all of you.

Thank you, Gryff. It's a hell of a balancing act, isn't it? You want the companionship, but also need to have time alone, but if you have too much time, the loneliness can consume you. Yet, if you are around people too often, you become tired and irritable, restless and exhausted at the same time. At least, that's how it is for me.

 

[donners22]

* That does sound familiar. Is it pressure at having to put on a different "face" for a partner; having to curb certain behaviours and think in a different way to how you would alone?

If so, is it more about finding a person who can accept you for who you are, and having the courage and trust to be more relaxed in how you present yourself?

 

[Snaploud]

I'm a 31 year old...I see my life as one giant mistake, one that becomes worse every day.

Make a list of five things you would have done at age 18 (knowing then what you know now). Do them now. You're still young enough even if you don't believe it.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Thank you, Gryff. It's a hell of a balancing act, isn't it? You want the companionship, but also need to have time alone, but if you have too much time, the loneliness can consume you. Yet, if you are around people too often, you become tired and irritable, restless and exhausted at the same time. At least, that's how it is for me.

J. this is probably nothing you haven't though of before but.. you are I expect using up all your socializing energies just living with other people, people who you feel responsible for. You're an introvert (I would assume INFP on the mbti, but whatever) and you only have so much reserves before you need to recharge through solitude. The problem though is when your socializing isn't actually giving you much of what you need.. it exhausts you but it doesn't leave you looking forward to the next round.

I have a LOT of family interaction and many a time I've had a friend wanting to do something with me and all I want to do is stay home, put my headphones on and not talk to anyone. The last two years I've, experimentally, forced myself to go out and see these friends for my own good. Circumstances have aligned so that this is quite easy at the moment so it's only an inner effort on my part. That said there's many a time I wish I had just stayed home and socialized on forums because it would have been a lot more personally gratifying as well as not boring.

Anyway.. you sound quite burned out from the socializing you have to do just on a day to day basis, socializing that's perhaps leaving you too burned out to get something out of better socializing (ie friends). This is all a round about way to say don't be too hard on yourself, it's not your personal failure as much as it's your circumstances and not having choices.

 

[TrekNut87]

I'm a 24-year-old hetero female and haven't been in a relationship since I was 16. This is most likely due to the fact that I have been painfully shy for years and finally started busting out of my shell in the past few years or so. That's not to say that I don't want to be in a relationship, I really would, but I just haven't found the right guy yet and am perfectly okay with that. I'm very happy with how my life has been going lately and I kind of feel that I don't really "need" a boyfriend right now.

So I guess you could say I'm not actively looking for a relationship, but if the chance arose, I wouldn't turn away from it

 

[iguana_tonante]

What say you? Anything you'd like to share?

Less talking. More shagging.

 

[Kemaiku]

What say you? Anything you'd like to share?

Less talking. More shagging.

I readily endorse this sentiment.

 

[Gepard]

Thus begins the TrekBBS Official Shagging Meet-up.

 

[Kemaiku]

Thus begins the TrekBBS Official Shagging Meet-up.

Excellent, better order up a couple of boxes of lube.

 

[Mr Silver]

Involuntary Celibacy, thats the proper term for some of the posts in this thread if I recall correctly. I think its a real testament to the character of TBBS posters when they feel that they can share their personal feelings and experiences.

I try to stay away from these kinds of threads because they remind me of my own relationship failings! Thats the best bit of advice I can give to anyone feeling alone, because you really aren't.

 

[Admiral Buzzkill]

I've been in enough relationships and also spent enough time single that I appreciate the periods when I'm alone. Once you get out of a "scarcity mentality" occasional solitude is nourishing.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I'm saddened to hear that so many of you feel negatively about yourselves because of your solitude. It just goes to show how important companionship is. I'm younger than most of you, so I don't feel the disappointment as strong, but I do fear that I'm set for a lonely future.

I believe I know what the problem is. Ultimately, it's the same problem I experience when it comes to friendships, employment, and many other aspects of life, which is that I'm not an outgoing or assertive person. Actually, I should say the problem is not me as such but the fact that the prevalent expectation seems to be that you should be these things - and that if you're not, you're simply not trying. At the very least, the way things seem to work is that you have to grab the bull by the horns to get ahead in anything. That's simply not how I approach things. I like to build things up slowly, let relationships form on their own terms almost organically, rather than driving myself forward. The difficulty is that this is a slower and more subtle method and while I find it perfectly useful - I've established some very meaningful friendships that way - other people forge ahead and construct more artificial relationships of their own initiative and that leaves me out of the loop. Too many times I've seen friendship groups or other relationships form around me and not include me because they're all going for the "top-down" approach of forging links and only later getting down to the actual business of knowing people, where I'm going by the "bottom-up" route. I like to establish a presence, get to know people and build up a trust and a friendship. As I say, that works fine...when people around me aren't taking the other, quicker path that I find less meaningful.

It's certainly frustrating. Particularly when your friends have so many relationship problems because they take the "top-down" approach and then later find a relationship isn't going anywhere, that they're just not compatible. After the umpteenth time offering comfort and advice, a little selfish part of me starts thinking "you know, maybe by now you might have realized that taking a different approach might be better". But the prevalent expectation in all areas of life is that you assert yourself, make bold steps and then deal with the actual interpersonal issues later. People like me end up as a background safety net - friends know they can depend on me to be there, and they certainly show their appreciation (and I wouldn't change this set-up at all), but I'm in a different category to the people with which they seek to build relationships. I end up just "being there" due to my bottom-up approach and so overlooked a bit by people used to defining relationships by "artificial" top-down linkages. If that makes any sense.

And I agree so very much with Gryffindorian and J.Allen: socializing can be exhausting - and I think it's precisely because I'm forced to try and socialize their way to gain entry to the group. If you don't socialize, don't accept invites, etc, you won't be part of the relationship groups...but it's not actually your preferred way of getting to know people, so it's an effort that often causes more grief than results. You exhaust yourself rather than having meaningful interaction. It's frustrating, because people have said to me in the past, "why don't you socialise more?", and I try to explain that I'm eager for company, but I have a very different way of making relationships. For me, they grow over time, they're not forged artificially.

When it comes to women, I find I'm caught between two groups. The first is the sort of woman I probably would like to get to know intimately, but who quickly categorize me as a supportive friend, someone to fall back on when they need someone to listen to their problems. Being a friend first and only interested in possible courting as a secondary concern, I simply keep to the role rather than betray that loyalty by trying to change a functional friendship. The second group also see me as support, but not of the "fall back to" kind but instead the "look up to" kind. These, ironically, might well want to pursue a relationship with me, but I'm not up for it. I need a relationship where I'm the more "dependent" one. So the women I'd love to be a supportive friend too and nothing more show signs of wanting to court me while the ones I'd be open to courting automatically see me as just a supportive friend. Basically, I've found most women are looking in a certain direction from themselves on the personality scale, and I'm looking in the same direction, which causes me problems. I'm in the right position for the female friends I'm not interested in courting but in the wrong direction for those I potentially am.