Personal Problems of Pillbugs

[Deranged Nasat]

Hello, all. I hope you won't mind if I use you all as a collective agony aunt for a bit.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma at present. I’m becoming almost desperate to get out of the family home. This is more than a matter of wanting a bit of independence or freedom, which I’m sure is common to most if not all adults, but a matter of something approaching necessity. For my entire life I’ve been jerked around emotionally, had my self-esteem trodden on or destroyed, and the effect it’s had on me and my mental health has been pronounced. I’m only just starting to put all the pieces together and realize that my entire life to date has been about trying to escape, and being unable to. I’ve come to the conclusion: I can’t stay here. If there’s one driving goal in my life at present, it’s to get away from home and live elsewhere. The problem, of course, is that I can’t afford it. And I do mean I can’t afford it; if it were at all feasible I’d have done it by now. Even renting an apartment for a month would cost 10 times my current monthly income, to say nothing of bills, food, etc. In order to get away, I need a full-time, reasonably-paid job and I need to stay there for long enough to put a fair bit of money in the bank before I find somewhere (and then maintain that job through the move). Finding a full-time, reasonably paid job is difficult enough anyway (I’m a Cambridge graduate, but in the year since graduation I’ve only managed to get a 10 hour a week retail job, and that only in the last month), but my erratic mental health makes it harder. In order to get on with my life I need to get away, so I need a reasonable job, but I have (even more) difficulty doing that because I can’t get away. If you follow me.

As part of my drive to do something useful to hopefully escape the rut that leads to depression, I’ve been seriously considering taking a course at the London School of Journalism, which I believe would be a good fit. Specific training for a career would be a welcome improvement over my currently directionless approach, and the success rate in employment for the graduates is seemingly high and stable. The major problem is, of course, money. Fees and travel. Now, I could take out a Career Development Loan, which will make attending feasible but means more debt (on top of my student loans). The course is part-time, though, so I can be working or looking for work at the same time. Still, to acquire more debt with no actual guarantee of a job isn’t something I’m eager to do. And while Journalism is something I know I could learn to love and succeed at, it's not in my nature to take a leap and a stab at something if I'm not confident in my ability to stay on target.

Seeing as the School and its regular courses aren’t going anywhere, I could wait until I’ve got a better, full-time job and a bit of money, and then apply from a position of stability should I still want to pursue journalism. But the whole point, of course, is that I’m having difficulty finding such a job, which is a large part of why I want to commit to a training course that will give me a better stab at a specific career. Do I take a gamble, apply for the course and hope it helps me find a job, and hope that the additional debt will be worth it, or do I wait? If I wait I risk falling into another serious low. Then again, if I take the course while still living at the family home, that will affect my health because it’ll undercut my confidence, which is practically nil anyway, and I’ll have to put up with the implicit judgement that I’m making a stupid mistake (everything I do is wrong and stupid). Finally, I won't be able to make the most of the course and its opportunities if I have another depressive bout.

Basically, I have a knot of interrelated problems: having to live at home, my illness, lack of money to spare, no full-time job, and the desire to commit to pursuing a career so as to give me a sense of direction. I can’t seem to untangle the knot, because to solve one of these issues requires the others be solved first. As the bitter cherry atop the sad clown-faced cake, I need to make a decision and give myself a sense that I’m moving forward in life in order to keep in good cheer, but I also know that making major decisions out of a desperate desire to find a solution, or while in a state of emotional instability, isn’t wise.

So, what do you think?

 

[auntiehill]

I say take the course. No education is wasted and journalism is such a broad field that the skills could be applied to a variety of jobs.

Having suffered from very similar problems, I can tell you that action is always better than maintaining the misery of the status quo out of fear. A little more debt won't make much a difference and frankly, you're never guaranteed a job anyway.

Go for it. Doing something new, learning a new skill and breaking out of your comfort zone will do you a world of good, emotionally. You will find a job, eventually, but widening your options is always good.

Are you in therapy of any kind? I highly recommend it, even if it's only short-term. Having an objective person listen and give you a perspective can really have a big impact on how you eventually start to think about yourself and your life.

From someone who has suffered from depression all of her life, I can tell you that there will ALWAYS be highs and lows. It's being able to recognize the lows and ride them out that makes it have so, SO much less impact on your life.

As always, I wish you the best.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Then again, if I take the course while still living at the family home, that will affect my health because it’ll undercut my confidence, which is practically nil anyway, and I’ll have to put up with the implicit judgement that I’m making a stupid mistake (everything I do is wrong and stupid).

Of all the intertwined problems this is the one thing you do have some control over, how much of this you take on board. You can't control debt, getting a job, whether the course leads anywhere or the inevitability of there being lows in your depression. But you can say, this fear of being undercut and judged will not stop me from taking forward steps in my life. You can't stop the treatment but you can decide that by letting it stop you taking positive actions for your life you let this toxic influence win.

I think the course is a great idea. I completely agree with auntiehill about action always being better than "maintaining the misery of the status quo out of fear." Action is good for you, gets you out, meet new people, have direction and something to aim for. Don't worry about the debt, just think how much more debt other people have

It's incredibly toxic to feel trapped. If a way presents itself that might have a better future attached I say take it.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

I'm with auntiehill and teacake.

 

[Gul Re'jal]

I'd been in such a similar situation, so I can understand how you feel.

I also think you should take the course. Doing something and doing something to get out of the situation should have a positive impact on your feelings too. That would become seeing the end of your current situation and that is a step forward.

Do you have any supportive relatives, who could take you while you're educating yourself? I finally escaped the toxic situation at the place I lived (I don't call it "home" because it was never home for me) moving out to my grandmother. I had to move to another city, but the peace of mind was worth it and I spend the last year before getting my own place to live without being emotionally destroyed.

 

[Gaith]

An idea, take it or leave it: consider doing something really wild, like backpacking around Asia or moving out to California, or at least out of the UK. I lived in London a while, and though it's a great place, it can also be rather suffocating. Maybe there are some cheaper international journalism courses? Living somewhere foreign might seem like piling on challenges, but it might also boost possible eventual rewards.

 

[propita]

I think you're getting encouragement here. I understand that you're not a risk-taker (I'm not one either), but look at it this way, what do you have to lose? Try to minimize the foreseeable negatives and go for it.

As for your personal problems, the fact that you're still striving to move forward actually says many positive things about you. You haven't given up! I was similar, then found out in my 40s that in my case, a lack a self-confidence was neurochemical. Don't let this continue to affect your physical health, it can be bad.

Keep us up on what you do?

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Thank you, all, for the advice and support. It's much appreciated. It's difficult for me to commit myself to a course of action because I've spent most of my life with my head in my shell (so to speak), afraid to poke it out and look around. I'm only now beginning to see the extent to which I've been "hiding", and I think I still need encouragement before attempting anything. I won't need to make an application for the course for a few months at least (and I might delay until early next year and give my other cast lines the chance to snag something regarding employment or education). So I can afford to consider it a bit longer.

As for your idea, Gaith, I have often thought that spending some time abroad would be a great idea. However, between the money issue and my unfortunate need for emotional support, I think that might be a bit too large a step for me at the moment.

 

[Gaith]

^ Believe me, hombre, I know exactly what you mean. Lack of adventurous/gumption is something I've often struggled with myself, and am also wrestling with now. That said, maybe there are some organizations that could provide a social and supportive experience abroad? Habitat for Humanity, maybe, or some other group volunteerism venture?

 

[Alpha Romeo]

I say take the course. No education is wasted and journalism is such a broad field that the skills could be applied to a variety of jobs.

Having suffered from very similar problems, I can tell you that action is always better than maintaining the misery of the status quo out of fear. A little more debt won't make much a difference and frankly, you're never guaranteed a job anyway.

Go for it. Doing something new, learning a new skill and breaking out of your comfort zone will do you a world of good, emotionally. You will find a job, eventually, but widening your options is always good.

Are you in therapy of any kind? I highly recommend it, even if it's only short-term. Having an objective person listen and give you a perspective can really have a big impact on how you eventually start to think about yourself and your life.

From someone who has suffered from depression all of her life, I can tell you that there will ALWAYS be highs and lows. It's being able to recognize the lows and ride them out that makes it have so, SO much less impact on your life.

As always, I wish you the best.

I disagree. IF you have no self esteem and confidence journalism is the last thing you will be able to do. Find something else that suits your talents and interests.

 

[Mary Ann]

maybe there are some organizations that could provide a social and supportive experience abroad? Habitat for Humanity, maybe, or some other group volunteerism venture?

This may be a good alternative for you. As you say, the journalism school isn't going anywhere soon (though I also agree with what auntiehill and teacake have said), so you could do a few months or perhaps even a year of volunteer experience abroad. Apart from getting you away from your toxic situation and building your confidence it would look very impressive on a CV. Whatever road you choose to take I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Gaith]

IF you have no self esteem and confidence journalism is the last thing you will be able to do.

I'm not sure I agree 100%, but Alpha Romeo does raise a legitimate point here - and then there's the matter of journalism jobs on the wane generally. I definitely agree that you should take some sort of concrete step(s) to get out of your rut, but a London journalism course strikes me as a particularly risky and expensive endeavor. I hate to be a downer, I really do, but this is stuff to keep in mind.