Grain of salt, grain of salt, KT.
We heard you.
Need to vent, long read so don't click if you don't feel like it
- Thread starter Kirk's_Tights
- Start date
We heard you.
Grain of salt, grain of salt, KT.
Do you have any idea how incredibly condescending you're being?
Grain of salt, grain of salt, KT.
Do you have any idea how incredibly condescending you're being?
Not really. Please explain.
Grain of salt, grain of salt, KT.
Do you have any idea how incredibly condescending you're being?
Not really. Please explain.
Seriously? You're talking down to her like some ADD 12 year-old who is in real danger of making major life decisions based on some advice on a message board, when she didn't even ask for advice in the first place, and you don't see that as condescending? Really?
KT is venting, so she has described her man in the most unattractive, harsh terms possible. Sometimes venting helps...but she described some things that went beyond the pale into something I wouldn't tolerate from a friend or a lover. Maybe she shouldn't either?
She's described a disrespectful, bordering on abusive (he's at the very least there verbally already), selfish, lazy, intolerant, ungrateful person. I won't speculate further but I certainly have some other more significant concerns about she has relayed to the board. I think folks who are suggesting that she take a better look at the relationship and to get professional help sticking together or getting out are spot on.
She's described a disrespectful, bordering on abusive (he's at the very least there verbally already), selfish, lazy, intolerant, ungrateful person. I won't speculate further but I certainly have some other more significant concerns about she has relayed to the board. I think folks who are suggesting that she take a better look at the relationship and to get professional help sticking together or getting out are spot on.
A freakin' men to all of this. the Op makes me just want to say,"guuuurrrrrl, No." This is a no brainer. There are so many red flags here, the guy could start his own flag shop. Nobody should stick around for this kind of shit.
On your last sentence ELK, I also had that thought from the sound of this guy. If she does decide to end the relationship, if things are looking ugly she should def. get some back-up.
If a guy EVER addressed me this way, it would be the last time he ever touched me.
And he'd be very lucky if he didn't find half his shit thrown out in the street. I mean using a term like that, for your SO and especially one HE took as an innocent girl. That's like crapping on your birthday cake and saying it's ruined. pffft- contemptable.
Now, if the two of you regularly get down like that, and you give as good as you get in terms of name calling, that might be different but I didn't get that impression from your post.
As for couples counseling...well it seems to me there would have to be something left to save and both parties wanting to save it. I didn't see that from what she wrote.
Now if she wanted counseling just for her own clarity and growth around this issue that's another matter.
He certainly sounds like he could use therapy- if he'd even agree to go. But offhand it seems like a very uncertain proposition. The individual has to really want to change, of course. I would say don't spend your youth on this guy. 6 years could easily turn into 12 and you'll be your 30's with not much change for the better. And when does he intend to start chipping in financially, ever? At 25 Kt is still very young, and has most of her choices ahead of her. They aren't married and she has no kids. I'd say cut your losses and learn whatever lessons the experience has to give. Let him get his shit together on his own time.
KT also said:
Even if you'd said nothing else, I'd think this fact would demand a good hard look at whether this was the right relationship. If there's no compatibility, that's it. That can't be fixed. The thought of spending a life with someone you have not a whole lot in common with sounds dismal.
I agree. Some of us are offering opinions etc., but I get the impression she knows her own mind and is very, very capable of coming to her own conclusions and isn't in danger of being overly swayed by anything.
I know KT is capable of making her own decisions as an adult and a smart woman, and I'm not trying to belittle her in any way. I've stated, though, that none of us in this forum are licensed professionals who can urge her to take one form of action or another. Do I believe her SO is an ass? You betcha, based on what she said. Do I think KT deserves a better partner? Of course, but there's a whole lot WE (anonymous strangers on the Internet) don't know about the whole picture.
I've been a member of another forum for nearly a decade, and in that other forum we used to have people asking for medical advice.
"My urine appears a little bloody" or "I seem to notice some itchy skin eruptions in my nether regions. What should I do?" It would've been totally inappropriate and unethical to offer the poster medical advice when there was no licensed physician who was more qualified to address the issues. In the same regard, people are free to dispense any advice they want, just as people are free to believe anything they read. My message, however, is to be cautious when a handful of on-line strangers start telling you to take drastic steps, especially concerning one's marriage. This is KT's life, after all.Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk. ~Joaquin de Setanti
R
Rocketman
Guest
Perhaps not the nicest thing to say, but I find this attitude tremendously entertaining.
It fills me with questions like "so, what if a guy just calls you 'slut'? How about 'slutty'?" or "but what if he said it in a really affectionate manner?"
Do people actually set categorical boundaries like these to their relationships, or is all this just posturing for the sake of entertainment and feeling self-righteous?
Come on now, rocketman, this ain't rocket science. This obviously wasn't said in a joking manner. It sounds like it was said hatefully. Especially considering the rest of the info she gave. Context, dude.
For me personally, If a guy said slut or slutty more than a couple of times "playfully or affectionately", I'd probably just ask him not to. And he should be able to understand and respectfully agree to the request.. Others might not mind. I've heard of couples who use that type of banter.
A lot of women object to being called a slut. Especially something off the charts like "stupid fucking slut." That shouldn't be surprising. It has a tendency to call into question a man's attitude towards her and women in general. If it works for you in your relationships, whatever. If you think that's a self-righteous attitude, again, whatever.
Last edited:
Yikes you got 6 years invested into this relationship I can see why you feel this way...it's perfectly normal. He's wasted enough of your life, time to move on just consider the 6 years a bad investment and start looking forward.
While it is not my place to interfere in anyone's personal lives, I think if you're this unhappy something must be done. What that something is is of course not for me to suggest, but I don't think it can go on like this if you feel so upset and underappreciated.
You've been with this person for six years, you say, so you at least (and possibly your partner too) have clearly made an effort in making it work. However, I would suggest that if you are feeling this unhappy and frustrated, and believe you're being taken for granted (because it sounds to me like you're being taken for granted, if you pay all the rent and do the work) you should consider doing something to change your situation.
You have my sympathies, and my best wishes whatever you choose.
You've been with this person for six years, you say, so you at least (and possibly your partner too) have clearly made an effort in making it work. However, I would suggest that if you are feeling this unhappy and frustrated, and believe you're being taken for granted (because it sounds to me like you're being taken for granted, if you pay all the rent and do the work) you should consider doing something to change your situation.
You have my sympathies, and my best wishes whatever you choose.
Yes, you've said that. About every third post in this thread. At that point it becomes thread shitting and you're contributing nothing new. Do you think she needs to be reminded over and over again?
And since when does one have to be a professional to give relationship advice?
I've been a member of another forum for nearly a decade, and in that other forum we used to have people asking for medical advice.
Completely different situation. Again, she was venting and didn't say "please BBS, tell me what to do!?".
Yes, your point has been made, over and over and over again.
You're angry when you're cute. No, actually, one doesn't have to be an expert to give relationship advice, but I consider marriage to be a sacred institution (one not to be taken lightly, as I've already said), and I make it my personal policy to STAY OUT of other people's marriages. I may have emphasized "grain of salt" once or twice, but not over and over and over, as you stated.
No, actually, one doesn't have to be an expert to give relationship advice, but I consider marriage to be a sacred institution (one not to be taken lightly, as I've already said), and I make it my personal policy to STAY OUT of other people's marriages. I may have emphasized "grain of salt" once or twice, but not over and over and over, as you stated.Just for the record I asked my girlfriend about this and she said dump his ass. I didn't even have to get beyond "fucking slut" that was enough for her to say show him the door.
Grain of salt, grain of salt, KT.
You're angry when you're cute.
Dude, you are also an anonymous stranger. Our opinion is she dump the loser, you say "Grain of salt" and "Get counseling" over and over. You are pushing advise as much as anyone. She's going to make up her own mind, and not based on anything we, including you, say.
Yup. I'm glad you realize that.
KT, even if you take no one's advice here and don't dump him at the end of the day ... just ask yourself this one question:
"If I re-read my own post, is that the kind of relationship I WANT to to succeed?"
"If I re-read my own post, is that the kind of relationship I WANT to to succeed?"
Well here's my grain of salt. I've watched my sister-in-law stay in an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship like the one you've described. She's stayed over and over again and let him come back over and over again in the vain hope that things will get better, but they only get worse. She also has two kids by this guy.
Right now he's avoided additional jail time for a myriad of relatively minor infractions like possession and driving with a revoked license etc. The judge put him on house arrest instead, until his actual trial anyway.
He tends to cheat and then "leave for good this time." when times are tough and come back when he's out money and she's managed to save some up in his absence.
When I first met my wife I was very intimidated by her sister. Now she is the stereotypical mousy abused wife. He hasn't physically abused her, but the systematic emotional manipulation has clearly taken it's toll. She is now his door mat. My grain of salt is to get out now before there are kids involved.
Right now he's avoided additional jail time for a myriad of relatively minor infractions like possession and driving with a revoked license etc. The judge put him on house arrest instead, until his actual trial anyway.
He tends to cheat and then "leave for good this time." when times are tough and come back when he's out money and she's managed to save some up in his absence.
When I first met my wife I was very intimidated by her sister. Now she is the stereotypical mousy abused wife. He hasn't physically abused her, but the systematic emotional manipulation has clearly taken it's toll. She is now his door mat. My grain of salt is to get out now before there are kids involved.
Oh dear, that's where it's at.You're angry when you're cute.
Also there's this other thing with the non-involvement that you talk about. When things do go bad you very conveniently can say "Hey I didn't get involved, so I can't be blamed!" In my opinion that's not exactly the brave way. I'd rather try and help and it would go wrong in spite of it, then sit back and do nothing and it still go wrong.
Also you are too involved, you're trying to very forcefully push your opinions. I push mine as well, but damn dude give it a little rest.
I'm very sorry that things are going that direction for you, KT. 
In my opinion, you ought to think about what made you fall in love with him in the first place, and see if any of those things hold true today. If they do, maybe there's something there still and it would be worth working things out. If not, maybe there's no point in even trying anymore.
Just my two cents!
PS: If I ever called MY wife any variation of "stupid slut", I would expect to die from lead poisoning of the 9mm variety. You are a very patient woman indeed!
In my opinion, you ought to think about what made you fall in love with him in the first place, and see if any of those things hold true today. If they do, maybe there's something there still and it would be worth working things out. If not, maybe there's no point in even trying anymore.
Just my two cents!
PS: If I ever called MY wife any variation of "stupid slut", I would expect to die from lead poisoning of the 9mm variety. You are a very patient woman indeed!
