I'd say KT if anyone is aware that teh internets is severely limited. But I don't really think she's minds us sharing our opinions and experiences either. And I don't really see anyone claiming to be psychiatrist or counselor.
Need to vent, long read so don't click if you don't feel like it
- Thread starter Kirk's_Tights
- Start date
No one is claiming to be a professional, but that wasn't my point. When it comes to marital issues, they're better discussed with a professional. The best things friends can do are to listen and to sympathize. It's not in anyone's place to tell anyone how to run his/her life.
Amen!
I stayed in a horrible marriage for ten years because I was afraid to admit I'd made a mistake. It eventually separated and isolated me both physically and emotionally from my friends and family, put me into a spiralling depression, and I felt trapped and hopeless.
It wasn't until someone described my relationship as abusive (a hard thing to accept as a man), that my eyes were opened. We went to marriage counseling and instead of repairing the marriage, it made me realize how badly I needed out.
I wouldn't presume to put the label of abuse on your relationship, KT, given the limited nature of what you've vented about, but I can understand the frustration. My wife was the only relationship I'd ever been in, the only woman I'd ever slept with, and making the decision to leave was the hardest thing I've ever done, despite the fact that I was miserable beyond belief.
And it is definitely not a decision to make quickly. I'm not advocating one course of action over the other to you, but in my experience removing myself from a poisonous situation was the most liberating thing I've ever done.
At least the marriage counseling reaffirmed how you felt about your marriage and you were able to make sound decisions based on your own judgment.
I really want to say something about bears and woods right about now, but I'm laughing too hard to type it out right...
Not implying that about any specific member in the thread, of course; discretion and general courtesy would naturally cause me to sheer away from that. But it's sheer naiveity to think it won't cross a few members' fanciful subconscious here, somewhere.
That's true. I was getting bombarded by a couple of friends urging me to leave my ex. And while the counselor was attempting to fix the damage, and was actually quite annoyed when she found out we were spiltting up, the sessions showed me that our life-goals were different, and that we were just plain incompatible. The envoronments that she and I grew up in, and that shaped our personalities and the way we react to conflict, were completely at odds with one another.
Granted, there were other stressors in the marriage, too, but had we been puzzle pieces you'd have had to force us to fit, and it would've fucked up the pieces beyond recognition.
I've done it!
But luckily the guy she was dating before I convinced her to leave him turned out to be a date-rapist, so it was win-win. 
However, I'm not in love with Kirk's_Tights, I don't even know her all that well, so therefore I have no problem giving her advice.When the guy comes back you should calmly explain to him that you've had enough of his childish behaviour and if he wants the relationship to continue he's going to have to be more of an adult. And stay calm, if you get angry or into any sort of a shouting match then that is a display of passion and shows that you have strong feelings for him, if you stay calm then you're sending him a warning that you are losing your feelings for him and would be willing to leave him.
And if this plan backfires... it's not my fault!
First, she's not married, they just live together. A long term relationship to be sure, but not a mmaiage. Second, where did I claim to be an expert on marriage? My point was, I'm a happily married guy and am not trying to break up her relationship so I can have her for myself. In my opinion, which she asked for by posting, the guy is verbally abusive, and an all around jerk. Nobody should have to be called a slut and worse by someone who is suppose to love them. She's young, she's pretty and smart, she should not have to live in an abusive relationship, and make no mistake, she is being abused, she can do MUCH better.
Originally Posted by Kirk's_Tights
I know most people will say to just go find someone else but's hard when it's your first love and you've been together for 6 years.
It's not love -- never love if he calls you a "slut".
Amen. Yes, it's hard and scary to move on after so many years together, but time heals. She'll get over it and be more experienced for her next love.
No one is telling her how to live her life, we are expressing opinions. There is a difference.
AFAIK, KT has in the past described the relationship as common-law, a term which most definitely *is* a marriage.
Although I'm late to the game and haven't read everyone's replies, I'll respond bluntness since I know that's the sort of cat KT is.
Your man...simply...is a douche. Anyone over the age of 18 who lives rent free and complains about ANYTHING is a douche.
Any grown man who calls his sig-other a slut, is a douche.
Sadly, there is no medical treatment for douchiness and it's terminal.
Yada yada you're hot...blah blah you're better than this guy...yada yada you know all this.
Your man...simply...is a douche. Anyone over the age of 18 who lives rent free and complains about ANYTHING is a douche.
Any grown man who calls his sig-other a slut, is a douche.
Sadly, there is no medical treatment for douchiness and it's terminal.
Yada yada you're hot...blah blah you're better than this guy...yada yada you know all this.
Does she have to get a legal divorce? Hire lawyers, split property? No? Then she's not married. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to minimalize her feelings. They have been together for 6 years, and I'm sure it feels like a marriage, but getting legally married is a HUGE commitment that they have never made.
Actually, YES, she does.
Depends on the State. In SC we no longer have Common Law Marriage (Seven years being thought of as being married by family and Friends). Abandoned several years ago. Those who previously qualified are now legally married and must, generally speaking, file for Divorce. But not always if there is no disputed joint property or minor children.
She's Canadian.
I know what this is like. Without going into details, I've found myself considering things in my own life lately. It has not been pleasant.
Asking people on the internet or anyone else can be tricky. It's difficult to give an accurate picture of the relationship and everyone has different standards of what is okay and what isn't. To me, being called a slut is unacceptable in a relationship. I know that there are things in my marriage that other people would probably find unacceptable by their standards.
I guess what I'm saying is, what are your standards? What are you okay with, and realistically, what do you need in a relationship to make you happy? I think you could find someone who treats you better in certain ways. I'm sure you know that. Do you want to? Are there things about him that you don't think you would have with anyone else?
I've realized something recently that may or may not be relevant to your situation. I have at times found myself thinking "I should have more patience" or "I should find a way to deal with this" etc. Not necessarily with my husband, but with other people around me as well. However there comes a point where "should" becomes irrelevant and one must look at what she is capable of.
I am all for compromises and working things out, but if there comes a point where you simply cannot find a way to cope with something about another person, you have to accept that and find a way to move on. I think there comes a point in an unhappy relationship where it stops being about who is right and who is wrong, but it is simply about the fact that there are two people together who make each other unhappy. And if the two people are really both miserable, it may be time to move on from the relationship.
Love is important, history with someone is valuable, but other things are necessary too. I hope you figure out what is necessary for your happiness, and I hope you find it.
I'm always around for anyone that wants to vent. I hope the rest of your weekend goes better.
Just living together does not make a common law marriage. You still have to apply for legal status.
That was the impression I got as well.
The decision is ultimately KT's to make, despite all the encouragement that totally anonymous strangers on the Internet are giving her.
Word of the day: "Grain of Salt"
