Movie Caption Contest #98: Frustrations

[Rat Boy]

What does God need with a caption contest? I don't know, but I'm fairly sure it's time for another one. First, may He have mercy on the souls of...

For basically summarizing existence itself, our winner is:

God: "EVOLUTION! WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?"

Spock: "Centuries of scientific research have shown that all life-forms have risen from lower life-forms through a process of natural selection. This can be seen in the evidence visible in the fossil record of many planets, and..."

God: "DINOSAURS! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FOSSILS RIGHT? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT. I JUST SMOKED SOME LETHAL WEED ONE NIGHT AND WAS GOOFING OFF. I JUST PUT ALL THEM OLD BONES DOWN THERE TO FUCK WIT Y'ALL"

Spock: "The duck billed platypus?"

God: "HAD SOME BITS LEFT OVER..."

Kirk: "About the ten commandments..."

God: "THREE COMMANDMENTS..."

Kirk: "What?"

God: "STUPID COMMITTEE! MINE ARE JUST THREE. 1) I AM GOD! SELF EXPLANATORY THAT ONE, 2) DON'T STEAL AND 3) DON'T KILL. YOU'D THINK THAT'S ALL YOU NEED, BUT SOME IDIOT DECIDED THAT WE OUGHT TO COMMISSION AN INQUIRY, HAVE A QUORUM, A QUANGO, IT'S ALWAYS THE WAY, YOU HAVE A GOOD IDEA AND THE BUREAUCRATS GET INVOLVED."

McCoy: "I don't believe it."

God: "HONEST TO ME! DON'T TAKE MY NAME IN VAIN, THAT WAS STEVE'S IDEA, HE'S A COPYRIGHT LAWYER. OBSERVE THE SABBATH, YUSUF'S, AFTER HE INVENTED THE CALENDAR. HONOUR YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER... MY 'RENTS MADE ME PUT THAT IN. THREATENED TO CUT OFF MY ALLOWANCE, ADULTERY? FUCKING DIVORCE LAWYERS. BEARING FALSE WITNESS... SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU READ SOME OF THE STUFF THAT HAPPENS IN THE BIBLE? IF THAT SHIT WEREN'T MADE UP IT WOULDN'T BE A BEST SELLER NOW WOULD IT? AS FOR THE COVETING STUFF, BOB NEXT DOOR CAUGHT ME MAKING EYES AT ALICE... AND ALICE, SHE READ ABOUT SOME OF THE WEIRD SHIT I DID WHEN I WAS ZEUS. I WAS YOUNG, I NEEDED THE MONEY

For pointing out that someone's feeling a little neglected, our winner is...

"I am being ignored this week... this far no further!"
"I don't think anyone heard you... maybe break some more ships?"

And for summing up a case of Spontaneous Shatner Combustion, our winner is...

McCoy: "Well that's something new. Usually when he eats chili its his asshole that explodes."

Our Photoshop winner...

[Image removed per board rules]
Kirk: We brought it like you asked.

Alien God Thingy: Good.

Kirk: If you don't mind me asking, what does God need with an inflatable doll?

And a special "How the hell did this end up in the contest?" award...

Kirk: What does God need with a starship?
God: Oh, you know...Burger King.

Janeway: Do you want supersize?
Paris: Ya think?
God: I have a coupon....

Congratulations to the winners and here are your updated totals:

Nerys Myk (Hall of Fame) 42
Candlelight (Hall of Fame) 42
cooleddie74 (Hall of Fame) 32
Gertch (Hall of Fame) 25
Shatmandu (Hall of Fame) 25
The Laughing Vulcan (Hall of Fame) 22
Triskelion 18
Outpost4 16
Turd Ferguson 15
Diesel Micky Dolenz 13
middyseafort 13
Nebusj 11
scottydog 11
DS9Sega 11
EliyahuQeoni 10
BriGuy 9
zephramc 9
LeadHead 9
Kegek 8
cultcross 7
Tharpdevenport 7
John_Picard 6
Atavachron 6
Herkimer Jitty 6
Alrik 6
SciFi75 5
Finn 5
The Cutest of Borg 5
Skywalker 5
CaptainJon 4
Haggis and Tatties 4
NCC-1701 4
Defcon 4
Kirby 4
jptrekker 4
Bad Atom 4
Peach Wookie 4
TheGallifreyanSith 4
Sisu 3
David_Leese 3
archerguy1701 3
Starpaul20 3
ancient 3
chancellorjake 3
J. Allen 2
Arthur Frelling Dent 2
Lloyd_Dobbler 2
nil_jones 2
OphaClyde 2
Gagarin 2
casey 2
Redshirts Widow 2
Cky 2
Mistral 2
captain crow 2
thedude 2
cardinal biggles 1
Vasquez Rocks 1
Valin 1
Nathan_Heller 1
Guartho 1
Alyssa 1
A beaker full of death 1
rmkwebdesign 1
Starlock 1
Admiral Garak 1
Broccoli 1
Mister.Woof 1
The Squire of Gothos 1
A Chimpanzee & 2 Trainees 1
battrekker 1
DrBob 1
Sector7 1
USS Mariner 1
hmbnimbus 1
S'Kai 1
H F Mudd 1
dukesman 1
Fire 1
Super Grover 1
Johnnyracefan 1
SciFi75 1
jongredic 1
BriGuy 1
26138 1
Toban Kal 1
trilbymonkey 1
Will 1
Captain Mike 1
Civil Shadow 1
Piper 1
T'Boggan 1
Daneel 1
Dimesdan 1
shivkala 1
Deranged Nasat 1

This week, our theme is moments that make you want to bang your head against the wall. Not too hard, though, since the set's made out of plywood. First up, we discover that Captain Picard didn't invent *facepalm*. Second, we have the bad guys of Insurrection politely asking Picard to lose and wondering why it doesn't seem to be working. Enjoy:

 

[Rat Boy]

Auditions for Uhura's replacement as ship's fan dancer weren't going so well.

Ru'afo: "Don't make me split my own head open and bleed on your carpet!"

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Spock: "No scotch eggs at the post-production buffet table? You, sir, have crossed the line".

Uhura: "God, here we go..."

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Dougherty: "And if this doesn't change your mind, Captain, nothing will. Er, ready Ru'afo? Good, good, er, bear with us, Captain..., er, a-one, a-two, a-one, two, three (jiggles)".

Ru'afo (sings): "I've loved, I've laughed and cried, I've had my share, my fill of losing. But now, as tears subside...er, you're not buying this are you?"

Dougherty: "keep going, Ru'afo!"

 

[Captain Crow]

Thanks for the photoshop win Rat Boy.

Spock: Jim, you forgot to put your pants on again.

Uhura: And you underwear.

 

[Mistral]

Federation technology let the crew gather in the Rec Room to watch Shatmandu post to the TrekBBS in realtime. Then the words "fan dance" appeared...

 

[Mistral]

Ru'afo : "Damnit, Picard! The invoice for your last head waxing is over 30 days past due! Pay up or we throw the admiral, here, out an airlock!"

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Winning is cool! I noticed that three captions only got me one step up the ladder of infamy. I guess Bill Hicks got the other two, after all, I did nick... was inspired by his material.

Anyway, it looks like I'll be going to hell... I'll need marshmelons.

Spock: "If I were Mexican, I'd say 'Ay Caramba', if I were Mexican that is."
Uhura: "Ay ay ay!"

Stewart: "I heard they had to melt down your Oscar to make those gold things on your shoulders."
Abraham: "No they didn't."
Stewart: "After you see this movie, you'll wish they had."

 

[Shatmandu]

That's two wins from the same horrific, amateurish, Microsoft Paint photoshop.

Life is good! Thanks much!

Spock: "'If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down' is a simple axiom to follow, Captain Scott."

Ru'afo: "We don't grow hair. Sorry."

 

[SeerSGB]

Spock: Zar put your pants on.

Uhura: My god, it bifurcated.

Crewman next to Uhura: Me like!

 

[Turd Ferguson]

"I see by the way you're sitting there, Captain, that you must be taken aback by my badassery. While never having said so myself, I have heard that I was rival to General Chang and possibly Khan Noonien Singh himself in the terms of evilness."

 

[Shatmandu]

Crewman walking in, whispering: "Okay, who gets the 'KICK ME' sign?"

 

[Shatmandu]

According to Dr. McCoy, Starfleet medical's nude jumping jack provision became a manditory public display on Stardate 9521.4.

 

[Daneel]

SPOCK: "Good morning cadets, and welcome to 4th year advanced biology. The topic of today's lecture is 'Intimate Inter-species Relations'. As members of Starfleet, you will encounter many new alien species on your missions, and if any of you took Captain Kirk's leadership skills course, you will probably end up having sex with them. It is important to note, however, that not all species have sexual relations in the same way, and if you do not educate yourself on their mating habits prior to attempting a physical relationship with them, you will most likely find yourself in an awkward and problematic situation -- like the one that can be seen in this recording of Commander Uhura and I during our Academy days. Witness her struggle and frustration over being unable to 'turn me on' in the manner she expected. Now, are there any questions?"

 

[Shatmandu]

During inspections, Spock never missed a skid mark.

 

[Captain Crow]

Spock: When drunk it is ill-advised to run around the ship naked with these hanging off of your penis

and so are these.

Kirk, sheepishly: Sorry.

 

[cooleddie74]

STARFLEET IDOL auditions went well until Chekov decided to belt out his rendition of "Faith of the Heart."

RU'AFO: "Believe me, Captain...Admiral...

my FACE isn't the only part of my anatomy that leaks and oozes...if you know what I mean."(*Winks*)

 

[cooleddie74]

UHURA:"Oh, HELL NAW...

he did NOT say that...he did NOT go there!!"

 

[Captain Crow]

Voice off screen: I think the animated series should be considered canon!

Nimoy: Out.

Meyer: CUT! Leonard quit pointing at the words on the cue cards as you read your lines!

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Spock: You will face fear. Fear in certain death. Fear in...
Uhura: Not this shit, again, dear. The man's been a captain for four decades now.