Modern Day Society- Male Dating Issues

[propita]

I believe in the whole "love (or lust) at first sight" concept, where I can be interested and attracted without yet knowing someone. It may not always be looks.

When I began working at age 21, I was so obviously a virgin. I met my future husband a year later, when he began working in my lab--he was 26 and also a virgin, though I did not know that at the time.

Evidently, I did experience love at first sight (according to a counselor), but didn’t recognize it, since all I saw was that I couldn’t stand this guy. Somehow I knew that he was going to upend the very familiar rut of my life (co-workers, different cultures, different religions).

Am/was I cute? Well, if you squint a lot ... yeah, stop when your eyes are fully closed. There! I’m cute.

Is/was he cute? To me, and that’s all that matters. He’s smart (really smart), and funny. But when people ask why I fell in love with him, I’ve always said, “Because he tries to do what’s right.” He may not always succeed, but he tries. And that’s what matters to me.

I know a guy who only wanted “hot” girls when he was in his 20s, but refused to date them because they expected him to pay. He was cheap and their money was spent on looking good (makeup is expensive). Once he turned 30, he realized that being able to talk with someone was more important. Unfortunately for him, in Fresno, that means that most 30+ yo women have at least one kid, and he didn’t want a family. His own stupidity blinded him from finding a “nice” girl who wasn’t necessarily “hot”. He’s since screwed around and has a baby with a woman (divorced with 3 very undisciplined kids) whom he does not want to marry, nor she him--and they both KNEW they did not want to marry each other before they ever had the kid! STUPID! My husband has lost a lot of the respect he had for this guy for the guy’s initial childishness about objectifying women and later stupidity in selecting one. Being divorced and with kids does not cause the problem, but having totally undisciplined kids and literally refusing to say “NO” or teach them manners? That’s a problem.

 

[Listener4]

For me the issue of virginity isn't so much the biological urge, although that is part of it. Virginity itself isn't what's most distressing, but that I have never felt it was my choice. I would have liked to meet someone in high school, or college, or at some point in the five years that have followed.

It's also hard to avoid the thought that I've missed my chance. There's a french movie based on a book of the same name called EXTENSION DU DOMAINE DE LA LUTTE, in which one of the main characters is a 28 year old virgin man. He has a discussion with another man, himself far from successful with women, in which the older man tells him to just give up, that he's so damaged by being rejected and loneliness that even if he did manage to finally have a relationship that it couldn't possibly work out.

My views aren't quite as negative as the movie's but it usually does feel that my options are shrinking. I almost have to limit myself to fairly young girls, as I don't want to raise another man's child. Indeed she basically has to be a virgin. Part of this is a holdover from my religious upbringing, and part is just my jealous personality.

 

[Amaris]

I believe in the whole "love (or lust) at first sight" concept, where I can be interested and attracted without yet knowing someone. It may not always be looks.

When I began working at age 21, I was so obviously a virgin. I met my future husband a year later, when he began working in my lab--he was 26 and also a virgin, though I did not know that at the time.

Evidently, I did experience love at first sight (according to a counselor), but didn’t recognize it, since all I saw was that I couldn’t stand this guy. Somehow I knew that he was going to upend the very familiar rut of my life (co-workers, different cultures, different religions).

Am/was I cute? Well, if you squint a lot ... yeah, stop when your eyes are fully closed. There! I’m cute.

Is/was he cute? To me, and that’s all that matters. He’s smart (really smart), and funny. But when people ask why I fell in love with him, I’ve always said, “Because he tries to do what’s right.” He may not always succeed, but he tries. And that’s what matters to me.

I know a guy who only wanted “hot” girls when he was in his 20s, but refused to date them because they expected him to pay. He was cheap and their money was spent on looking good (makeup is expensive). Once he turned 30, he realized that being able to talk with someone was more important. Unfortunately for him, in Fresno, that means that most 30+ yo women have at least one kid, and he didn’t want a family. His own stupidity blinded him from finding a “nice” girl who wasn’t necessarily “hot”. He’s since screwed around and has a baby with a woman (divorced with 3 very undisciplined kids) whom he does not want to marry, nor she him--and they both KNEW they did not want to marry each other before they ever had the kid! STUPID! My husband has lost a lot of the respect he had for this guy for the guy’s initial childishness about objectifying women and later stupidity in selecting one. Being divorced and with kids does not cause the problem, but having totally undisciplined kids and literally refusing to say “NO” or teach them manners? That’s a problem.

Excellent points, and what a sweet story about you and your hubby.

For me the issue of virginity isn't so much the biological urge, although that is part of it. Virginity itself isn't what's most distressing, but that I have never felt it was my choice. I would have liked to meet someone in high school, or college, or at some point in the five years that have followed.

It's also hard to avoid the thought that I've missed my chance. There's a french movie based on a book of the same name called EXTENSION DU DOMAINE DE LA LUTTE, in which one of the main characters is a 28 year old virgin man. He has a discussion with another man, himself far from successful with women, in which the older man tells him to just give up, that he's so damaged by being rejected and loneliness that even if he did manage to finally have a relationship that it couldn't possibly work out.

My views aren't quite as negative as the movie's but it usually does feel that my options are shrinking. I almost have to limit myself to fairly young girls, as I don't want to raise another man's child. Indeed she basically has to be a virgin. Part of this is a holdover from my religious upbringing, and part is just my jealous personality.

I will say this; only you can break the loneliness. No one is going to come along and do it. I waited and waited and waited, and nothing happened. I'm 30 years of age, and up until recently, nothing was happening, because I was waiting for someone to come along, for the right person to come along, for them to recognize that I was a nice guy who would treat them like women and not objects, but it just wasn't happening, and that's because many women with similar situations have the same fears toward men, the same biases, that the right one will simply come along, that they will see her as a woman who likes them for who they are, and so it's like two ships passing in the night, but totally unaware of the other.

 

[Jetfire]

I think if you want a partner...you have to get up off your ass and do something about. Sitting around and complaining and questioning isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

[RJDiogenes]

I'm waiting for Ms. Right to come along and sweep me off my ass.

 

[Amaris]

I think if you want a partner...you have to get up off your ass and do something about. Sitting around and complaining and questioning isn't going to get you anywhere.

Very true. Some people are naturally afraid of social situations. They are the ones that need helped if they really want to be a part of a relationship. Help can be given from the outside, but there has to be a desire by said person to do something about it.

I'm waiting for Ms. Right to come along and sweep me off my ass.

That's just because you leave cookie crumbs on the couch.

 

[Jetfire]

I'm waiting for Ms. Right to come along and sweep me off my ass.

I am hoping she is on her way!

Very true. Some people are naturally afraid of social situations. They are the ones that need helped if they really want to be a part of a relationship. Help can be given from the outside, but there has to be a desire by said person to do something about it.

Eventually you just to have to get past it... professional help, non-conventional methods...like hypnotherapy...anything to get you to where you want to be.

 

[RJDiogenes]

^^ Thanks, pal.

That's just because you leave cookie crumbs on the couch.

And potato chips. Don't forget the potato chips.

 

[Amaris]

Eventually you just to have to get past it... professional help, non-conventional methods...like hypnotherapy...anything to get you to where you want to be.

Yep. What helped me was taking a big risk, and making myself completely socially available. It worked. Now, my results aren't typical, but I didn't sleep much over the weekend during that convention.

^^ Thanks, pal.

That's just because you leave cookie crumbs on the couch.

And potato chips. Don't forget the potato chips.

Ruffles have ridges.

 

[Jetfire]

Yep. What helped me was taking a big risk, and making myself completely socially available. It worked. Now, my results aren't typical, but I didn't sleep much over the weekend during that convention.

That is usually it...the greater the risk...the greater the reward...glad things worked out for you.

 

[RoJoHen]

Yep. What helped me was taking a big risk, and making myself completely socially available. It worked. Now, my results aren't typical, but I didn't sleep much over the weekend during that convention.

I'd probably have more luck if I could pursue my interests around here. I'd love to go to a convention like you did, but I'd have to drive 3 hours away. This town is boring as hell. Aside from drinking in dive bars, there isn't much in the way of extracurricular activities. Believe me, I've looked.

 

[Amaris]

That is usually it...the greater the risk...the greater the reward...glad things worked out for you.

Yep. I took the risk and it paid off. Danced with lots of women, kissed a lot of them too, and did a lot more than that with a few of them. It was so much fun, so very liberating. Then again, I'm a romantic, in a big way, and that paid off, too. I love women. Love women. They mean more to me than any hobby, any other interest. Also, I had no inhibitions this time around, nothing to make me pause and stop myself. I was nowhere near anyone who needed me, had no responsibilities, and so I opened up completely. In fairness, I had a lot going in my direction that ended up helping.

Yep. What helped me was taking a big risk, and making myself completely socially available. It worked. Now, my results aren't typical, but I didn't sleep much over the weekend during that convention.

I'd probably have more luck if I could pursue my interests around here. I'd love to go to a convention like you did, but I'd have to drive 3 hours away. This town is boring as hell. Aside from drinking in dive bars, there isn't much in the way of extracurricular activities. Believe me, I've looked.

I empathize. I live in a little country town out in the middle of nowhere. Your choices are drinking, um, drinking, and sports. Oh, and drinking.
This just happened to work out very well for me because of the situation. I was damn determined to make it worthwhile, and I did for both me and the young ladies who were with me.

 

[Jetfire]

I can't pursue my interests until I get myself together financially...I love music...going to concerts and performing...actually being in a band and singing...actually screaming.

 

[Amaris]

I can't pursue my interests until I get myself together financially...I love music...going to concerts and performing...actually being in a band and singing...actually screaming.

Sure you can. Take a weekend, go to the bar, dance with some ladies, romance them, make them happy, and maybe you will be happy.
Oh, and most importantly, be a good listener! You listen to everything, what she says, how she says it, what she doesn't say, and should something happen, you are in tune with her body, her spirit and everything she needs. Trust me, I'm not going to lie to you.

Which reminds me how much I dislike pick up artists. They twist what people like me do, instead of listening, they force their own wants onto her, and make her feel bad for not following them. It's a disgusting perversion of everything good. The downside is that both of us can look alike at first, giving a false sense of security.

 

[Jetfire]

I can't pursue my interests until I get myself together financially...I love music...going to concerts and performing...actually being in a band and singing...actually screaming.

Sure you can. Take a weekend, go to the bar, dance with some ladies, romance them, make them happy, and maybe you will be happy.

I appreciate the intent of that...but my interests have nothing to do with finding a woman...it is just something for me.

 

[Amaris]

I can't pursue my interests until I get myself together financially...I love music...going to concerts and performing...actually being in a band and singing...actually screaming.

Sure you can. Take a weekend, go to the bar, dance with some ladies, romance them, make them happy, and maybe you will be happy.

I appreciate the intent of that...but my interests have nothing to do with finding a woman...it is just something for me.

Well, that's good. Do what you love.

 

[Jetfire]

I think that is the thing...you focus on the things you love/want and everything falls into place.

 

[Amaris]

I think that is the thing...you focus on the things you love/want and everything falls into place.

Yes. Do what you love and things will fall into place, I agree. Me? I love to dance.

 

[Jetfire]

A lot of girls like to dance...good on you!

[edit] I am not calling you a girl...you share something in common with those girls who do like to dance.

 

[Jetfire]

as I don't want to raise another man's child.

To quote my favorite show...

"Anyone can be a father...bet it takes someone special to be a Dad."

If that is what you don't want then so be it...but I never thought it as a big deal.